Understandings and Misunderstandings
by Su Freund
Summary: Jack's world starts to fall apart when he finds out something about Sam's life outside of the SGC.
1. Understandings & Misunderstandings Part

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 1  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: su.freund@blueyonder.co.uk  
  
Website: (all of my stories can be found here)  
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: Minor allusions to Children of the Gods, A Matter of Time, Divide & Conquer.  
  
Season: Future  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Part 1 of the Understandings & Misunderstandings Series  
  
Rating: PG (see content warnings)  
  
Content Warnings: Adult Themes (not totally sure about that and may be over cautious). Minor use of bad language (nothing worse than what appears in the show).  
  
Summary: Jack's world starts to fall apart when he finds out something about Sam's life outside of the SGC.  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright (c) 2003 Su Freund  
  
File Size (kb): 32 KB  
  
Author's Note: This was my second fic, the first having been a drabble. This was posted on an S&J group but my beta has encouraged me to send it elsewhere as well. She did not beta this fic as we got together after this was originally posted. But hi anyway to Bonnie and thanks for all the encouragement. Fingers crossed (Jonas style) that you like it.  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings  
  
22:50  
  
If he went into the house and waited she would be really pissed. She'd probably be pissed anyway but, if he broke in, there'd be hell to pay. So he sat outside, watching, waiting for her to come home.  
  
He'd been through it all: anger; resentment; hurt; bitter regret. Now he felt numb, that was it, numb. Must be the whiskey.  
  
What the hell was he doing here? He couldn't quite believe he was doing this. It was crazy. He didn't do this stuff. This was so not Jack O'Neill. But something had changed. Something had broken inside him and he needed to try and fix it. Otherwise.otherwise he couldn't live with himself, he'd crack.  
  
The effect of the whiskey was beginning to wear off. Jack's system could take a lot of alcohol and he'd certainly had plenty. But its courage inducing effect was evaporating rapidly. What if he lost his nerve before she got here? The great, fearless Jack O'Neill loosing his nerve? It was ridiculous. But he didn't feel great and fearless. He never really had. That was the O'Neill myth. The myth was a handy cover.  
  
He couldn't just let her go. He couldn't. He wouldn't. So he waited, motionless, in the cool night air.  
  
He'd always thought he'd be happy if she was happy. So, what if he wasn't happy? It didn't matter. As long as she was happy. He'd sacrifice it all for that. He just had to know that she was happy. **********  
  
18:45, that day  
  
When she'd told him she couldn't come he had backed out of the drink with the guys. He wanted to be alone, get quietly dunk. Hell, he actually wanted to get very noisily and obnoxiously drunk. The sort of drunk that would have him appearing shame faced in front of General Hammond the next morning; noisily, obnoxiously and depressingly drunk.  
  
He found a little bar that none of the others frequented, taking up residence in a dark corner, a surly and solitary looking figure. He was always accusing her of over thinking things. Now it was his turn to over think. It was a lousy habit.  
  
The drinks went down quickly, far too quickly, alcohol being a depressant and all. Deep down he knew that he was probably making himself feel worse. He wanted to feel worse. He wanted to get falling down drunk, and to feel worse. And before that he wanted to get good and fighting drunk and punch someone on the nose. He'd be grateful to be facing Hammond in the morning, feeling a lot, lot worse. He wanted to feel as bad as he could possibly feel. If he hit rock bottom he could only go up again, right? How much worse could he feel? He knocked back one more whiskey, swiftly followed by another, in an effort to find out.  
  
Was he just going to take it? Just let her go? He knew that if Daniel was with him he'd try to persuade him to do something about it. He could picture it, Daniel, pushing his glasses up his nose, leaning towards him over the table and peering.  
  
"Jack, for God's sake speak to her. At least speak to her. Tell her how you feel."  
  
Good old Daniel. Always trying. She knows, Daniel. She knows how I feel. She does know, doesn't she? Maybe he should go over, profess his undying love or something. He could never do that. Never. That was not Jack O'Neill. He didn't do that stuff, and certainly not to his second.  
  
He had thought they had an understanding. One day. How wrong he was, how totally and utterly wrong. But if this was what she wanted, didn't he want her to be happy? Sure he did. He figured that he mostly wanted her to be happy with him, though. But she wasn't. Otherwise she wouldn't.  
  
All this time he had thought there was something special between them. Wrong again. How could he have been so wrong? Nothing special, nothing between them. No siree. It hurt. It hurt so much that it was almost unbearable. He could hardly think straight, hardly breathe, hardly live.  
  
Maybe he should never have left it in room. Maybe he should have taken it out of the room a long time ago. Was there any point in regretting it? He could never have taken it out of the room. That's what he was best at. Hiding things away, suppressing them, containing them, and controlling them. Hell, sure he regretted it. Just chalk it up alongside that very long line of regrets he had notched up over the years: Charlie; Sara; four months in an Iraqi hellhole, even Frank Cromwell... Too many regrets. This wasn't the worst of them. Charlie was first in line and always would be, of course. But for right now, this would so not be considered as one of the high points of his life.  
  
He had no right. He knew that. No right to crash into her private life. But he was letting her slip away from him. He just had to know she was happy, that was all. Daniel would probably encourage him to ask her. Hey, Sam, are you happy without me in your life? Yeah, sure you are.why wouldn't you be?  
  
Once he had drunk himself into a suitably maudlin state, he left. Daniel was sitting on one shoulder, whispering quietly, and his own alter ego was sitting on the other, shouting loudly.  
  
*********  
  
17:15, that day  
  
Without waiting for a reply to his knock, he sauntered into Sam's lab.  
  
"Carter.?" He was talking to himself. The cupboard was bare. "Sam?" Just in case. Maybe she was hiding under the desk or something. He smiled at that thought. Sure, he might do something like that, but Sam.?  
  
She breezed in, disturbing his thoughts and looking like she was about to go home. That surprised him. Sam never left the SGC this early.  
  
"Sir? Can I help you?" She was dashing over to her desk, picking up her bag. "I left this behind otherwise I'd be gone already."  
  
"Leaving so early Carter? Shame on you. Perhaps I should report you AWOL? That would give Hammond palpitations"  
  
"He knows I'm leaving earlier tonight"  
  
"And I don't.? Because.?  
  
Avoiding that question, Sam looked at him enquiringly. "So, Colonel, did you want something in particular?"  
  
"Well, Danny, Teal'c and I were thinking of going for a drink tonight. Wanna come with?"  
  
"I can't Sir. Sorry. Not tonight"  
  
"Oh.? Gotta hot date, Carter? That why you're leaving so early? Gotta get all dressed up for something special?" He should have known not to ask, not to be so flippant.  
  
"As a matter of fact, Sir, yes, yes and yes." Hiding her embarrassment with a cough, she smiled brightly at him.  
  
Jack was stunned. He felt he must look like a goldfish, opening and closing his mouth but nothing doing. Sam sensed his discomfort and tried to make light of it.  
  
"Well I do have a life outside of this place, Sir. You kept ordering me to get one, so I did." An even brighter smile appeared on her face and Jack's stomach took a very nasty turn.  
  
Finding his voice, he stuttered, "You never said. I thought."  
  
What? Did he think that she was still interested in him? He was disappointed, irate, devastated, if truth be told. She could have said. She could at least have hinted. Then he could have let it go and got on with his own life. Well maybe not that, but he surely deserved to know. He had thought.  
  
"And you didn't see fit to mention it?" The words escaped him before he could stop them. He sounded angry. Crap, he was angry. Sam was caught on the defensive and lashed back at him.  
  
"I'm not sure that it's any of your business what I do off duty, Sir." It came out sounding worse than she intended, but he caught its meaning only too well and flinched inside  
  
"Yeah, I get it Carter! I get it!" And he stormed abruptly from the room.  
  
**********  
  
23:15 that night  
  
She had been in a bad mood all night but tried to hide it. She wanted to have a good time. Wasn't that rather the point of a date? But she didn't. She knew when it had started. The Colonel. He could be so infuriating sometimes. It really was none of his business. He had no right.  
  
The first thing she saw as they approached the house was his truck, then him. He was waiting. He looked like he might have been waiting a while. Her anger started taking the upper hand. What the hell was he doing here? How dare he come here! He knew she was out on a date. This was supposed to be THAT date. It had been a long time since she.  
  
Frankly, she was glad of the excuse to get rid of Bob. She really wasn't in the mood. Great excuse, beats a headache. Jack was her CO; something important must have come up at work. That he had neatly provided an excuse, albeit a lie, didn't change the fact that she was pissed with Jack. He was so gonna get it. Giving Bob a small peck on the cheek, she got out of the car. Her anger was just waiting for the right time, and that time was quickly approaching.  
  
Stalking furiously towards her house, she barely acknowledged Jack's existence. She merely gestured with her head for him to follow her inside. Jack's heart thudded desperately. He knew she was pissed. He knew he was for it. He decided to take it on the chin, let her say her piece. Let her scream at him, even hit him if that's what it took. If they both went into the house guns blazing it would be hell. He was surprised at himself. This was so not Jack O'Neill. He felt a cold dread envelope him.  
  
Only when she took off her coat did Sam let rip. Jack was barely through the door.  
  
"This isn't business, is it, Sir?" It was said abruptly, rudely, a disrespectful emphasis on the Sir.  
  
"No." Jack was quiet. Subdued. Although surprised by that, it didn't deter her. She should have realised what it meant, but she ignored the warning signs.  
  
"Ok, Jack!" She emphasised his name, spitting it vehemently, and he cringed inside, externally impassive. She hardly ever called him Jack. It disturbed him that she used his name thus now. "How dare you try interfering with my private life! How dare you wait outside my home for me as if you were my father waiting make sure I came back on time from my date!" Jack was startled by the comparison to her father. Is that how she thought of him these days, protector, father figure, old? Was that how wide the gulf had become? Oblivious, she continued. "You have no right. It's none of your business."  
  
He knew that was true. By being here, he was making it his business. She was much more pissed at him than he had imagined. This was going to be worse than he'd anticipated.  
  
"I can't.God.! Don't you think I get lonely? Don't you think that I long for someone to hold me, to touch me, to love me?" I love you, he thought, but he said nothing, just waited for her to get it all out.  
  
"Don't you think I need someone to keep me company? To share dinner with, go on holidays with, go places with. Someone to listen to my troubles and my joys, to sit in comfortable silences with and, bluntly Jack, to have sex with? I want something of my own outside of the SGC. I haven't been.with any man for .a very long time. I can't go on like that forever. I have to get a life. You're always telling me that. You can't have expected that I'd wait for you!" The emphasis on the final word hit him, hard. It made him sound like something slightly nasty that she'd picked up off the sidewalk. He shrank inside.  
  
But she was right. He had told her to get a life. Repeatedly. Now she seemed to have done that and he didn't like it. Anyway, he'd meant for her to take up knitting or something, hadn't he? In his heart he knew that wasn't really what he had meant. He had imagined she should move on and be happy. He had imagined that he could let her go but, deep inside, he had never really expected her to.  
  
In a spiteful and bitter tone, she continued. "You can be so cold Jack, so distant, and unfeeling sometimes. You've been trying to shut me out for so long I'd forgotten we were meant to be friends. How exactly do you expect me to react to that? Ignore it? I can take a hint, Jack." Each time she spoke his name, it was as the very first time she had spoken it tonight. She had never used this tone with him before. It shocked and wounded him deeply. The use of his name rubbed more salt into those wounds.  
  
"We don't even really know each other." He thought that she probably knew him more intimately than any woman he had ever known, even Sara, but he remained silent. "We've worked together all these years and I might know Colonel Jack O'Neill, but not Jack. You may know Major Samantha Carter, but not Sam. And we will never know." He was screaming inside. It's not true. Tell me that it isn't true. Tell me that it doesn't matter, none of it matters. But it obviously did matter, to her. The words 'we will never know' echoed through his head.  
  
She was so right. The real Jack wasn't a very interesting guy. And he carried way too much baggage. Okay, some people might see him as a hero. He could passably lead a team. He could make people laugh. Make them cry too, he'd found, far too frequently. He might even appear interesting on the surface - as Colonel Jack O'Neill, maybe, but plain old Jack? She would find him tedious within the first five minutes, even though he'd always been able to make her laugh. He thought he had that going for him at least, his ability to make her laugh. It wasn't enough, though, was it? What else did he have to give her?  
  
She was so full of life, so exuberant, so.fascinating; even when she was confusing the hell out of him, explaining some new doohickey, or wormhole physics, or one of those very many things that she was so good at. Okay, it drove him nuts sometimes. But even just listening to her voice. When he wasn't in a goddamned hurry it was mesmerising. On the other hand, what was he good for? Killing people. He'd discovered that at a pretty early age. And.? He could think of nothing. Not a single thing in his favour that could keep someone like her interested. He hadn't even been a good father, a good husband. She needed someone who could be, would be. She needed someone who could express himself, tell her how beautiful she was, how bright she was, what good company she was, how much he loved her. She needed someone who would buy her flowers, dine her by candlelight, and take her on romantic holidays.. He was crap at that stuff.  
  
He stood, dumb, saying nothing. The knot deep inside him tightened. The feeling of dread deepened. He wanted to throw up. He wanted to grab her, kiss her, make her understand how he felt. He wanted to beg her, plead with her.. He did none of those things. He was numb, dead, done, finished. His little world had just tilted off its axis. It took so little to devastate him, to leave his soul torn apart; so few words; just a few minutes of time.  
  
He guessed he'd never totally believed that this "thing" with Sam could ever be true. It was a fantasy, a wonderful, exhilarating fantasy, but a fantasy nonetheless. For starters he was getting too old. She nearly looked as young as ever, the passage of time making her an even more beautiful and captivating woman. He was getting past it, his hair almost totally grey, his skin too big for him, and his health and fitness getting more questionable as time passed. He was a grumpy old man. One look in the mirror told him that he was past his prime and could only go downhill from there.  
  
Apart from that, when compared with her he was pretty dumb. She was so bright, brilliant, a genius in fact. How could she be interested in someone as dumb as him? She was bound to find some good looking, younger, more intelligent, more appealing man. He had always known that.hadn't he? Hope had been a flame that burned eternally, until now. He had just never realised quite how false that hope had been. How impossible. She probably thought he was a total jerk for even thinking about her that way; a dirty old man, fantasising about a pretty younger woman who was out of reach. The torment of Tantalus.  
  
He'd seen her as the light at the end of his tunnel for such a very long time now that he could hardly imagine his life without her in it. The hard struggle would be worth it all in the end. It was something worth fighting for; safety of the planet, not to mention the rest of the universe, aside. Now the end of that tunnel looked dark and bleak. What was left to fight for? Zilch, zero, nadda, nothing.  
  
He knew that she was right. Everything she'd said. She was always right. How could he continue without hope? How could he turn up at the SGC everyday and see her, knowing that she was with someone else? How could they continue to work together on SG-1 with all this truth now stated so openly and so painfully? But how could he let her go? Surely he couldn't just let her go? He had to; choice less, he saw that now.  
  
Her anger had dissipated. The little she'd said had contained plenty of meaning and there was even more in the way it was said; hateful, heartless, cold. He still said nothing, just stood there, uncharacteristically still. She had never seen him this still. The tirade of words seemed to wash over him. No sarcastic ripostes, no anger, no lashing back at her. Nothing. And she knew each word had hit him as hard as a bullet. She could feel his pain, his anguish, although he tried to show her none of it. He was bleeding inside. She might as well have tortured him. he would have felt that less. She knew - his whole demeanour, his dull, lifeless eyes reflecting his inner pain. So typically Jack, not meaning to show anything, but he did. He felt it all. Deeply. She might as well have killed him.  
  
"I just wanted to know that you were happy, Sam." He was choked, his voice straining with the words. Then he nodded at her, turned on his heel and walked towards the door.  
  
"Is that it? Jack. Don't.don't go without saying anything." She ran to catch him up, firmly grasping his arm, as if that would undo everything and make it better. He shrugged her off, seemingly uncaring of her plea. "Please, Jack. Please! Say something. Tell me that you hate me. That you hate everything I said to you. That I'm wrong!" Answering quietly and deliberately, he turned towards her.  
  
"I can't tell you that. I don't hate you. I could never hate you. Everything you said was true. It was all true." And he left. 


	2. Understandings & Misunderstandings Part ...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 2: Aftermath  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: su.freund@blueyonder.co.uk  
  
Website: (all of my stories can be found here)  
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst  
  
Pairing: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: None.  
  
Season: Future  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings & Misunderstandings. This fic will not make sense unless you read the first part.  
  
Rating: PG-13, maybe?  
  
Content Warnings: Adult themes? (What does this mean anyway?) Mild use of bad language (nothing worse than what appears in the show)  
  
Summary: How will Jack deal with Sam's rejection? And what does Sam do now?  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright (c) 2003 Su Freund  
  
File Size (kb): 43  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to the wonderful Bonnie again for betaing this fic, and her comments and encouragement. Clearly, despite Bonnie's hard work on my behalf, any mistakes are my own.  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 2: Aftermath  
  
23:30, that same night  
  
The door closed quietly behind him. Quietly? Jack never did anything quietly. That wasn't his way. It disturbed Sam that he had been so quiet, so still. She was shaken, exhausted. Anger stirred again followed by something else. Once she started sobbing she couldn't stop. Her shoulders shook uncontrollably. She fell to her knees, beating the floor with her hands.  
  
Goddamn him! Only he could make her feel this bad. And only he could make her feel better. This she knew instinctively. All the pain and anguish she now felt, regretting her bitter tirade, she acknowledged that she deserved to feel that way; she'd hurt him so very badly. He wasn't going to get over that any time soon. He wasn't likely to forgive her. It wasn't Jack O'Neill. He bore grudges. He bore them for a long time. Probably forever. He could be the Olympic champion of grudge bearing.  
  
What had she said? What had she done? Why had she acted like that? Attacked him, denied the very possibility of any future for them together? His very presence here tonight told her that he still cared for her that way, despite the fact that she had convinced herself he didn't. That's how she had mentally justified the dating. Well he might have cared before, but now? Now he would never forgive her, would be unyielding towards her. Sobbing more convulsively, more loudly, she felt very sorry for herself as she realised the full impact of her words.  
  
This was it, the end of SG-1, of them. She was certain of that. So impassioned, so cruel, she had sounded like she hated him, had no respect for him. The latter would have cut the deepest. Hate he could probably handle. But lack of respect was a killer. Stupid, stupid, stupid. For an intelligent woman she could be so dumb. Resentment of his cooling towards her had been festering within. Tonight it had chosen to manifest itself and turn her into the bitch from hell.  
  
Perhaps she could retrieve it, save it. She could go over to his place. Force him to listen to how sorry she was. No, she could never do that. Never. Anyway, he'd throw her out on her ear. No matter his feelings, he was too proud to act otherwise.  
  
She had always feared taking that step with him. It scared her half to death. He didn't know Sam Carter, only 'his' Major. Sam was dull, boring. She led a mainly dreary life outside of the SGC and her friends there. If she let something happen between them, he would find her tedious within the first five minutes. She couldn't bear to contemplate that she might be a disappointment to him, after all the waiting, the anticipating.  
  
Okay, so she looked pretty good. She wasn't vain exactly, but was fully aware that she had great eyes, an enticing smile, and a pretty passable body. It wasn't enough. How could that ever be enough for him? Often, he couldn't even listen to her for more than two minutes without his eyes glazing over; interrupting, fiddling, finding the sarcastic riposte. She tried his patience. Frequently. She knew that. How could she not? He made it so obvious sometimes.  
  
Recently he had been more distant and remote, as if he were trying to back away from their friendship and their unspoken understanding with each other. An unspoken understanding about a possible future together. She figured he'd wised up and changed his mind about his feelings for her. That had driven them to this point, driven her to trying to get a life. It had saddened her, shaken her to the core, but she had tried so hard to carry on as normal, hiding her feelings even as he did. God, how she'd missed him.  
  
And yet he had come here tonight. Why had he come here tonight? It was so not like Jack O'Neill. He wasn't a face up to, get it out in the open kind of a guy. Not in that way. As an Airforce Officer, yeah sure, he'd face anything. But personal stuff? It was locked up so tightly inside of him; he would never let it out, never let it go. He kept it all hidden in a special part of his brain that was more difficult to break into than Fort Knox.  
  
So, why had he come here tonight? To declare his undying love? Hardly. So not Jack O'Neill. Just to ask if she was happy? It couldn't be as simple as that. Could it? He wanted to know that she was happy and he would be alright with that? Was he really okay with her having a life, away from the SGC, away from him? His behaviour towards her of late had forced her into thinking that but his actions today.tonight, belied it.  
  
Happy she most definitely was not. Did he really think this Bob guy was a replacement for him? How could he think that? She'd only seen Bob a couple of times before tonight. He was alright. He was good company. He was just a little bit older than her, moderately good looking, held down a very good job. Personality wise he was amusing and interesting to talk with. But he was no Jack O'Neill. He didn't stir anything within her. She had just been going through the motions. There had been nothing more between them than a few laughs and a couple of chaste kisses. She knew that he'd had expectations for tonight. She had been deluded to think it would get that far.  
  
Jack, on the other hand, stirred so much in her. He didn't even have to say anything. He just had to be there. His smile, his eyes, his boyish good looks, his humour, his sense of the absurd, his sarcastic wit, his often childlike behaviour, his pretence at dumbness. All that, and the so much more than that made him Jack O'Neill, stirred passions in her that she hadn't even known existed. He was a complicated and fascinating man.  
  
Daniel came into her mind unbidden. He would probably try to persuade her to do something about it.  
  
"Sam, for God's sake speak to him. At least speak to him. Tell him how you feel."  
  
No. He would never forgive her now. Anyway, he knows how I feel. He knows. Doesn't he? She had been so implacable. How could he know? Maybe she could persuade him. Maybe she could bring him around. He had been so not like Jack tonight. Something was different. Maybe it was enough.  
  
Suddenly she thought she understood something of his recent aloofness. He was being noble, protecting himself, maybe. Did he think she'd be happier without him, somehow? Did he think he should accept what he thought was inevitable, that she would have a life without him in it? Or, perhaps, he'd been scared of his feelings? Running away from them? Something stupid like that. He probably didn't even know himself for sure. He was a master at self-denial. Whatever it was, he'd put up the shutters on what he felt for her. It was very Jack. She should have known, guessed. She had so totally misunderstood. everything.  
  
And he'd come here tonight. It was significant that he had acted so against his own nature like that. The way he'd behaved, the silence, the stillness, the look of pain so intense in his eyes; had to be significant, right? He'd come here tonight and she'd.  
  
With that thought, she pulled on her jacket, picked up her car keys and headed for the door. She had to try. She couldn't just let him go without trying. He was her friend. If nothing else, she didn't want to lose that. Surviving without even that would be too hard, too painful.  
  
**********  
  
00:55  
  
Staring hard at the whiskey bottle, Jack sipped his coffee. He didn't really want to sleep, probably couldn't anyway. He felt empty depleted. Not even whiskey was going to fill that sense of loss. Never should have gone tonight, never. Should have waited, but he'd screwed it up. Only one of the most important things in his life and he'd screwed it up.  
  
That was so like him, so one of the many reasons why she would be better off without him. He should have known that she didn't want him anymore. That she was happy as she was. That she would turn against him for trying to involve himself too much in her life outside of the SGC. He should have left well alone. He'd left it too late to change his mind about letting her go. Change his mind? Not that; he'd never really wanted to do that in the first place. He's been trying to bow to the inevitable, a life for Sam without him in it. A life where she could be happy.  
  
Now, he had probably lost it all; her respect, her friendship. That hurt more than anything. He could just about bear to lose his hopes and dreams for the future, but to lose her respect and friendship. That was a killer. He'd already lost too many people, too many friends. Sam was important to him. Her friendship was important to him. So much more important than any temporary satisfaction he could get from kissing her, touching her, holding her, making love with her. More important than that ache he felt inside, that yearning.  
  
The whiskey bottle stared right back up at him, teasing and taunting. Jack poured some into his coffee. Good compromise.  
  
Had he really been shutting her out? He guessed that he had. He'd been more.what was it she'd said? Cold? Distant? Unfeeling? Bad plan. No plan. He hadn't intended.didn't know what the hell he had intended. What had he been thinking? Had he even been thinking? He felt lost, confused.  
  
Was he trying to be a martyr, or something? Sure.maybe... The gallant Jack O'Neill. Sacrificing his feelings and dreams so that the woman he loves can go off and find a happy life without him. How did he ever imagine that he could live with that?  
  
Or was that it ? His feelings for her had got so complicated, he couldn't disentangle them anymore. He knew that those feelings had grown so much deeper over the years. It had been increasingly difficult not to show them, not to act on them. So he had buried them, stomped on them, tried to suppress them even more than ever. He figured he probably had outwardly cooled towards her. Not sure anymore whether it was a deliberate act but it was the only way he could deal with it, live with it.  
  
He had driven her away. He had hurt her. Of course he had. Go figure! If pushing her out of his life had been his plan, he should be overjoyed. Yeah, sure, you betchya. But he hadn't had a conscious plan, had he? He had just.been typical Jack. Now, he wasn't sure about anything anymore. How could he have been such a fool? He had so totally misunderstood. everything.  
  
She had seemingly never reacted to it before today. Never revealed her pain and anguish. Oscar winning performance there, Carter. Good job. She could hide and suppress along with the best of them. They had acted so business- like towards each other at work. He'd missed the camaraderie, the easy banter, missed her badly. He had kind of wondered about the distance she was putting between them. But he had suppressed it all. Tried not to think about it. Not to think she might be responding to his own withdrawal. He was so good at denial; one of the things he was best at. He'd probably only withdrawn further, turning the bad situation worse.  
  
But at least she had still been in his life, the team had stayed functioning. Now he had torn all that apart. They could never pretend this hadn't happened, never survive this. Meaning to reveal so little, he had revealed too much. And she had said very little while saying so much; turning away from him, hating him, losing her respect for him. He'd gotten his comeuppance all right, his punishment for whatever it was he had done. He deserved it all. At least he had no doubts about that. It was only fitting. Living with the consequences, that was going to be real painful.  
  
**********  
  
01:15  
  
Sam pulled up outside. The lights were still on. At least that might stop her from having to break in. She would if she had to. She'd do anything to make it right. She'd throw her pride right out of the window to make it right. Anything. So concerned had she been with getting there that only now was she fully aware of her actions. She was panicked, terrified. A Major in the United States Airforce, terrified. It was laughable. It was pathetic. If only she could be certain of how he would act towards her. Only a short time before, she had been sure that he would throw her out on her ear. So be it. Screw your courage to the sticking place, woman. Maybe Lady MacBeth wasn't such an appropriate role model.  
  
At first, Jack ignored the knocking. It couldn't be Sam. She'd made her feelings very clear tonight. Who the hell was knocking at this time of night? He corrected himself; this time in the morning. Had something happened at the base? Was his phone out of order? Had Daniel's car broken down again and he was here seeking refuge? The last thing he needed was a crisis right now. The idea of having to transform himself into full on Colonel mode filled him with no joy. He guessed he should answer it. It might be important. It was certainly getting more persistent.  
  
When he saw her his heart leapt; it took his breath away. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying. She looked a mess. He supposed that he looked no better. He didn't care about any of that. Opening the door wider to let her in, she stepped over the threshold, saying nothing, just looking at him imploringly. And something else was in those eyes too. They reflected the unspoken understanding made between them long ago.  
  
They both silently stared at each other for what seemed like forever. They didn't need to say anything. The fact that she was here told him everything he needed to know. The look of sorrow and longing in his darkened eyes spoke to her of something she had never truly thought possible. He reached for her, pulling her into his arms. And they just stood there for a very long time, holding each other tightly. 


	3. Understandings & Misunderstandings Part ...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 3: The Inevitability of Feeling  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: su.freund@blueyonder.co.uk  
  
Website: (all of my stories can be found here)  
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst / Friendship / Romance  
  
Spoilers: Allusions to Children of the Gods, Point of View. Spoiler for Divide and Conquer.  
  
Season: Future  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings & Misunderstandings Part 2: Aftermath. You need to read the first 2 parts to understand this one.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Content Warnings: Very minor use of bad language (nothing worse than what appears in the show)  
  
Summary: After all the turmoil between them earlier that night, Jack and Sam talk  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright (c) 2003 Su Freund  
  
File Size (kb): 33  
  
Author's Note: Huge thanks again to Bonnie, my wonderful beta, who made so many improvements to my original text. Bonnie's efforts on my behalf aside, any mistakes are mine.  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 3: The Inevitability of Feeling  
  
Finally they pulled away, looking at each others faces. No words had been spoken between them. Sam had been sobbing quietly into Jack's shoulder. As ever, he had been trying to keep control of his own pent up emotions. Jack O'Neill didn't do the sobbing thing. Only in his most private moments. And rarely. Jack reached up his hand and lightly brushed her cheek. It made her tingle, shiver slightly, and she leaned into the caress.  
  
Flippant, a ghost of a smile on his lips, he said, "Hey, come on in why don't you?" leading her into the living room. "Drink? Coffee?" Sam shook her head. Nervously, sudden shyness overwhelming them, they sat opposite each other. Time for talking. This was hard.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Jack.I'm just so sorry." Not knowing what she could say or do, she tailed off.  
  
"Me too. It doesn't matter" She was here, wasn't she? That's all that was important.  
  
"Yes. It does matter. I was. I don't know why." Again, lost for words, how could she explain? Surely he deserved to hear her explanation. She owed him that. However, she remained silent.  
  
"I understand Sam. It's all right. It was all true. I deserved every word. I've been a total ass..but.. it will be OK. I promise." Jack prayed that he could keep that promise.  
  
She couldn't believe he had just let her in like this, brought her into his house and held her like that. It was so unexpected. So forgiving. So accepting. So not like Jack. Where was that O'Neill stubborn streak, the O'Neill pride? Then again, how well did she really know this complex man that was Jack O'Neill? She had been right about that, if nothing else.  
  
"Bob and I.we never.um.you know.we never." Sam was embarrassed that she had just blurted it out like that, almost without thinking. Somehow she knew that he would want to know but would never ask. He needed her to have kept the faith. She suddenly understood how hurt Jack was because of her lack of it. It was the one thing she could give him.  
  
Jack felt a sense of relief. He hadn't realised what it might mean to him if she had slept with the guy. It shouldn't matter, but it did. He cared about it. Crazy, maybe, but he did. Sure, he'd have lived with it, and he would never have even known for sure had she not told him. It wouldn't make a difference in the end because he loved her anyway. He'd stayed true to her since they had been forced to confess their feelings in that humiliating way, so long ago. It was corny and stupid, he knew, it was probably even a cliché, but that did not make it any the less sincere. Somehow, her words assured him that their silent pact had remained unbroken, after all.  
  
He merely said. "I'm glad."  
  
Continuing to stare at her, he still found it hard to believe that she was really here. It meant a lot to him. It denied some of what she had said to him earlier. Maybe that broken thing inside him could still be fixed after all. He still wasn't totally clear about where he stood with her, but she was here, that was the important thing.  
  
The depth of his feelings for her frightened him. His uncharacteristic behaviour scared and surprised him. How far was he willing to go for her? Jack knew that if he had opened up to Sara just a little, they might still be together. He didn't want to make that same mistake again. He was fighting against his own nature, and the Jack O'Neill myth.  
  
After the longest time, Jack shifted uncomfortably and, to cover his discomfort, coughed and asked Sam if she was sure she didn't want coffee or something. She snorted.  
  
"We're a great pair for avoidance, aren't we, Jack? We gonna talk, or what?"  
  
Jack fiddled with his hands, trying to look anywhere but at her, then he sighed.  
  
"OK. Where do we start?" Taken slightly aback that he might be willing, Sam got up abruptly. Walking over to him, she took his hand, squeezed it lightly then sat down on the floor at his feet, resting her head on his lower thigh.  
  
A quip about worshipping at his feet passed through Jack's head but he thought better of it. Not a good time for that. He felt a thrill go right through him and tenderly touched her hair, running his fingers through the thick golden locks. Sam moaned slightly, reaching for his hand and softly caressing his knuckles; his touch made her flush and she quivered slightly.  
  
"I guess I did a lot of talking already. Your turn?" She was still avoiding, didn't know what she should say, knowing full well that it should be her that started it. He deserved that. She looked up at him and he shook his head. He couldn't bring himself to say much of anything yet. This opening up idea was harder to do than he had expected.  
  
Sam saw the look in his eyes. He's not ready. "So." She sighed, "I get the go straight to jail card, right? I guess that's only fair. I need to say some stuff." Jack needed her to say it, she thought. Although she fought against the Carter exterior, she knew hers was not as Teflon coated as Jack's. She was much more inclined to wear her heart on her sleeve. He had more to hide from, more to protect. She wanted to know so much about him; the good and the bad; the dreams and the nightmares. Penetrating the O'Neill armour might be an uphill struggle and she doubted her ability to get far. However, she realised that it was her turn to start, by confessing some of what lay in her heart.  
  
So she told him. Told him how lonely she'd felt without his friendship; how she'd hated being shut out from him; how she'd missed him. That was why she'd bottled it all up inside her. She told him a lot of things that she might never, normally admit. Who was it that said seize the moment? What happened right here and now between them could totally change their lives. She had to seize it, it was the only way forward now.  
  
He'd guessed some of it, but liked hearing it anyway. She was talking about her feelings, an event worthy of a diary entry it occurred so rarely. This time when she spoke his name, it was softly and sweetly. It filled his heart with joy. He didn't get to do joy that often anymore. It was a novelty.  
  
Running out of steam, she drew to a halt and he bent to gently kiss the top of her head, tilting her face towards him. He drew a deep breath, hoping the air would give him courage, and then laughed bitterly.  
  
"I knew you weren't happy and I wanted you to be. Maybe I thought I should let you go, I don't know anymore. But I was losing control and had to get it back. I." He sighed. "I. don't. I'm hopeless at this stuff, you know that." Shrugging helplessly, he was frustrated at his inability to express his thoughts. She smiled to herself. So like Jack.  
  
"I was. afraid." Both of them were shocked that he'd said that. "I closed up, Sam. It was stupid. I can be such a jerk sometimes." He continued to stroke her hair as if the movement of his fingers could reveal everything to her without him having to say anything; the stroking was more frantic, more desperate and totally sub-conscious. He wasn't looking at her, couldn't look at her.  
  
"I hurt you and I hurt myself. It felt like I'd cut off my right arm. A cliché, I know, but there it is." Slightly flippant, a cover for the feelings that were threatening to overwhelm him; threatening to make him reveal more than he wanted to right now. He paused to get himself back in control. Maybe he should just come out with it all, tell her everything. He wished he could do that; hoped that he wouldn't. "I didn't want to let you go."  
  
"You did, though"  
  
"Nearly did"  
  
"If I hadn't come here tonight?"  
  
"Who knows? It doesn't matter. You're here. Its all that counts"  
  
What it lacked in quantity it gained in the eloquence with which it spoke to her. Jack had a knack of saying so much by saying very little.  
  
"Jack, you don't have to say anything. I know you haven't got a clue what to say." It was then that he looked at her. That was weird, an echo of another Samantha, another time. A time when he had not fully understood how he truly felt about her. Sure, he'd been attracted to her as soon as they'd met. Who wouldn't find her attractive? She was a beautiful woman; you'd have to be blind not to notice her. But there was a bit more than that, a spark. Something. It was so inappropriate that he had buried it straightaway, tried hard to ignore it. He'd been doing that ever since.  
  
That was how it started. They talked and then talked some more. Not about what was in their hearts but about inconsequential things. It was like being on a first date. They were just Jack and Sam, trying to get to know each other. Not a Colonel, not a Major; not a CO and his second in command. It wasn't as either of them had feared; neither had found the other tedious within the first five minutes.  
  
At some point Jack had coaxed her to join him on the chair. His knees being what they were, she squeezed next to him, and he wrapped his arms around her, resting her head on his shoulder, his head on top of hers. They continued talking for most of the night, waking later that morning curled closely in each others arms. 


	4. Understandings & Misunderstandings Part ...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 4: Decisions We Make  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: su.freund@blueyonder.co.uk  
  
Website: (all of my stories can be found here)  
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst / Friendship / Romance  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: Allusions to Children of the Gods, Cold Lazarus  
  
Season: Future  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings & Misunderstandings Part 3: The Inevitability of Feeling. You need to have read previous parts.  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Content Warnings: Adult themes? Mild use of bad language (nothing worse than what appears in the show).  
  
Summary: Jack and Sam reach a temporary understanding  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2003 Su Freund  
  
File Size (kb): 27  
  
Author's Note: Thanks again to my beta, Bonnie, for slaving over a hot computer to help improve my writing, and for her suggestions and moral support.  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 4: Decisions We Make  
  
Nothing had happened between them; nothing to truly compromise them; nothing irreversible. They were just two friends, talking into the night, comforting each other in an hour of need. Right? Nothing wrong with that; except that it was probably both compromising and irreversible. The non- frat regs did not allow a CO and his second to get even that close.  
  
He woke first, drawing away from her slightly so he could watch her sleeping. He loved that - while they were on missions, or when he happened upon her dozing in the lab - loved that. Sometimes he just reached down to touch her hair, lightly brush her face. Secretly, stealthily. She never knew, no one did; he was careful.  
  
Inevitably, he thought about the previous night, the conversation they'd had well into the early hours. It felt so good to talk to her about that stuff. It was fun, amusing, and warmed his ravaged heart considerably. Conversation between them had been animated, with much smiling and laughter from both. They had talked about their childhood's; things that had happened before they met; since they met; favourite colors; star-signs. Lots of dumb trivial stuff, concentrating on the good things, amusing anecdotes. The time he'd mooned out of the window of Ted's car at some local girls they all disliked. When she'd broken the nose of Johnny Green because he'd dared to call her names. His trouble with the cops for stealing Joe Bradley's bike. Her dad's reaction when she stayed out all night, dancing until the small hours.  
  
It wasn't the right time to talk about any of the bad stuff. Maybe it never would be. Jack knew, if he was ever going to talk about those dark, secret places, hidden deep within him, then she might be the one. However, right now they needed to decide what to do next.  
  
He didn't want her to find out about dark side Jack, didn't want it to end up tearing them apart like it had him and Sara. Eventually, no matter how hard he had tried throughout their marriage, it had destroyed them. once Charlie had died. Maybe Sam was the one that could help him to redeem himself, if only a little. He could never be forgiven for everything he had done, or forget what had happened to him over the years. Instinctively, however, he knew that if anyone could help to diminish the guilt and the shame he felt, ease the nightmares, it would be her.  
  
They had shared so much already, been through a lot together. It just wasn't the same sort of relationship that he'd had with Sara; nothing like the same. It was so much more. He was ashamed to think it. It was a betrayal. Once, Sara had meant everything to him. He would never stop loving her, in his own way. Certainly, he would never forget her, she'd always be a part of him. That was fine with him and he didn't want it any other way.  
  
The thought that the blackness inside of him could destroy him and Sam so utterly troubled him deeply. He quailed inside. Was it too late to back out now? Probably. He was lost. Forever hers. If she'd have him he'd take what he could get and be grateful. Even if she could never give him what he truly wanted. Even if it was only for a little while. Hers.as long as she wanted.  
  
He hugged her lightly, and then gently pushed the stray hairs out of her sleeping eyes, kissing her on the forehead. Sam stirred but did not awaken. It felt so good to hold her in his arms, he wanted her so much. Although he felt himself unworthy, as long as she thought he was, there was still some hope. He had to hang on to that. Jack didn't understand her interest in him, never had, but maybe he could learn to accept. It was a second chance. It comforted him to think that he might get that. The chance to love and be loved by two such extraordinary women in his life? It was remarkable. Not many were so fortunate.  
  
If she couldn't live with that side of him.? How could he expect anyone to do that? Didn't she deserve to know more about what she was letting herself in for? He never thought he could reveal that much of himself. The recent turn of events had changed everything. As a result, something inside of him had been irrevocably transformed. The revelation of his thoughts hit him with a shock. Was he really contemplating opening up to her that much? It would take time. He might never be able to do it and the thought of it scared him. If she knew. if she knew half of what he had done, thought, felt. She couldn't possibly want to stay with him. He couldn't risk that, could he? He could never risk that. So he continued to bury everything deep within that dark place inside of him.  
  
Although Sam was awake, she feigned sleep. She needed time to think before she faced him. When she awoke, feeling him squeezing her slightly, kissing her forehead, she was momentarily disorientated. It suddenly came flooding back to her, what had happened the previous night. Worse, she was in her CO's house, lying in his arms! Ohmigod.panic! No, she was lying in Jack's arms. She remembered that now. The thought calmed her. Boy, it felt good.  
  
She had not anticipated that it could be like this, that he could be like this. That they could talk to each other in this oh, so easy manner, chatter inconsequentially, feeling comfortable in the silences. She had dreamed it, yes, imagined it. She hadn't really believed that it could ever be true. Not recently, anyway.  
  
She loved him so much. She couldn't tell him that. Not yet. She needed to know that it could work between them; that there truly was the possibility of that. There were so many things she didn't know about him. Dark secrets, nightmares and demons. Maybe she could help him to exorcise them. Perhaps not quite that, but to lessen his pain, and his burden. Or maybe they would destroy them. That thought frightened her. It was worth the risk, wasn't it? He was worth the risk? In any event, could she actually back out now? No. She knew it was already too late for her. She was lost to him forever, no matter what. She was his for as long as he'd have her. Nevertheless she wanted to be cautious. She couldn't deny that part of her.  
  
Looking up at him, she smiled in such a way that it made his heart skip a beat. She could do that to him so easily. Then they both suddenly felt gawky and awkward; lying together in his chair, in each other's arms, sleep still heavy in their eyes. Neither was sure enough of what the other was thinking. Despite a reluctance to move, they rose as one and went into the kitchen, feeling the need to do something practical. Almost anything to avoid talking about the next steps.  
  
Sitting companionably, deep in thoughts and coffee, they didn't know what to do, what to say next. Sam decided that she should make some kind of start.  
  
"I'll call Bob. Tell him I won't be seeing him anymore." Jack's heart jumped for joy at the simple statement. But he also felt turmoil, an inner doubt.  
  
"Sam.what if I can't give you what you want.what you need? What if we.? I. I don't want you to burn any bridges, have those sorts of regrets." She could see that he was struggling. He, too, was tormented by thoughts of failure, of destroying them. He, too, wanted to exercise caution, despite his evident desire.  
  
"I'm not going to find that with him, Jack. Never would. I was a fool, stupid. He was. company. That's all. He was. a temporary stopgap." When Jack smiled at that, her heart took a leap at the look in his eyes.  
  
"Your career, Sam, I can't risk your career." He sighed and shrugged, not needing the say it. The regs. they hung heavily between them, a constant barrier. They were only too aware that the wall the regs built could be far worse than anything they could build for themselves. Breaching them was dishonourable.  
  
It gnawed at Jack. Sam had a future in the Air force while his career was reaching a close, probably more rapidly than he welcomed. Sometime soon he would fail the physical that allowed him to continue through the gate. He couldn't imagine sitting behind a desk all day, hated paperwork enough as it was. They were risking it all. He couldn't allow her to do that, though he would do it willingly. All very well when he had so much less to lose.  
  
"My career's not your risk to take, Jack, it's mine. Maybe its time I put me first; think about what I really want. It's worth the risk." Jack's heart thudded loudly in his chest at that. He was worth the risk! He was someone she really wanted! How did he deserve to be so lucky? She was too good for him. It continued to surprise him that she didn't see that.  
  
He pondered how all this would impact and the team, and their work. Screw it! It had to be better than what would inevitably have happened had they continued as before, or had she not come here last night. If she hadn't come. he shuddered to think of what that might have cost him. We'll deal with it. We can do that. We have to. He didn't want to voice his fears. In the end he only said.  
  
"I just want you to be happy Sam. That's all I ever wanted. I guess I always wanted that to be with me. We don't know that. There's so much." Unable to find the words, he gestured his frustration, unsure of what else to say. "I have a habit of screwing things up. The really important things. I don't want to screw it up this time."  
  
She didn't think he even realised just how revealing that was. He thought he was crap at this stuff, but he could convey his thoughts, his emotions, more easily than he wanted to believe. She knew he was full of doubts, about his own ability, about theirs, about how to move on from this. She reached and took his hand, smiling faintly at him.  
  
"There are no certainties, Jack." Then silence again, lost in thoughts.  
  
Neither of them was due in at the SGC today. Sam had been going in anyway, get in more lab time. No way was that going to happen now. She wanted to be here, with him. Anywhere, with him. At least for today. If that's what he wanted.  
  
Unexpectedly, Jack was the one to break the silence.  
  
"What next, Sam? What do we do now?"  
  
Flippantly, she replied. "I don't know. go for a walk in the park? Have a picnic? Go into the hills.?"  
  
He interrupted, feeling the need to sort something out. Anything.  
  
"We have to face this. There are consequences. There are always consequences. We are so close to the line here.over the line. Before going any further over it we need to decide how." He faltered, "We need to talk"  
  
"Aren't you all talked out?"  
  
Getting up abruptly, he started to pace, hands grasped to his head, frustrated.  
  
"You were right about us not knowing each other. Jack and Sam."  
  
"You want a do a bit more getting to know each other before going too far over the line? Take it slow?" Her natural caution agreed with that. But she wanted him badly, ached for him.  
  
"There is so much you don't know about me. So much that could.could." Destroy us, he thought, but balked at using that word. "I know you want.more. God, I want. I want it so bad, I can taste it, Sam. But." He couldn't bring himself to refer to thoughts of making love with her, having that sort of relationship with her. It could undo him. Nor could he admit that it petrified him, his depth of feeling, and the consequences of that. He couldn't tell her he was anxious that she wouldn't like the real Jack O'Neill. That he would bore her. That all that dark stuff inside of him would drive her away. Hell, she'd probably run and hide down the nearest hole. If she knew him, really knew him... She'd seen some of it, sure, how could it not be so? They spent one heck of a lot of time together. She'd seen some of his worst moments. But.  
  
Ceasing to pace, looking over into her eyes, he said. "Look, right now we haven't gone too far, Sam. We can still go back." But he knew it wasn't true. They both knew that. They could never turn back from last night. Not really.  
  
He was gesturing with his hands. She so loved those hands. There was something sensual about them. And he used them to such graphic effect; emphasising; expressing his frustrations; his fears; his acquiescence. Often saying what he didn't articulate verbally. She loved the childlike way that he fiddled with things. He so rarely kept his hands still. Okay, so he could be a menace with them sometimes, particularly in her lab, but she found them fascinating to watch. Sexy. One of the simple things that made up this very complex man. She didn't think he even realised quite how charismatic he could be sometimes.  
  
Standing to touch him, she succinctly voiced his own fears. "Scary, isn't it?" A nod of his head was his only response. "You're right. Let's see how it goes, not rush anything. be sure, be friends." It seemed crazy given the length of time they had known each other, longed for each other. But she could do that, take it slowly. She had a degree in that.  
  
They hardly touched for the rest of that day, although they spent every moment of it together. Despite their lack of physical intimacy, they felt closer than ever before. It seemed so right, so perfect. That night he delivered her to her door, gave her a peck on the cheek, the perfect gentlemen. Right, so he hadn't wanted to part with her. He never wanted to do that again. If nothing else, Jack was a pragmatist. They had work the next day, for crying out loud. It was going to be difficult enough.  
  
Later, he felt so alone without her there. 


	5. Understandings & Misunderstandings Part ...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 5: Feelings We Feel  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: su.freund@blueyonder.co.uk  
  
Website: (all of my stories can be found here)  
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Drama / Romance / Angst  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: References to Children of the Gods and Cold Lazarus, Solitudes  
  
Season: 7 or later  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Part 5 in the Understandings and Misunderstandings series. Sequel to Part 4: Decisions We Make  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Content Warnings: Use of bad language  
  
Summary: 3 months after that fateful night at Jack's place, the relationship between Jack & Sam is about to face a severe test which will change things forever.  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2003 Su Freund  
  
File Size: 51 KB  
  
Author's Note: This has now turned from a one off story, to a series, and a WIP. This was never originally my intention, but I got into an argument with my muse and she won. Thanks to the wonderful Bonnie, as ever, for all her help and suggestions. She does such a great job but, as always, any mistakes are mine alone.  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 5: Feelings We Feel  
  
Prologue: 3 months after the night at Jack's house  
  
If he died now he'd die a happy man. To be honest, he'd rather not die any time soon, not when things were looking up for the first time in quite a while. He hadn't felt like this for a long time; it was incredible. Sam provoked feelings in him that he didn't know existed. He had kept them buried too deep for too long. Or maybe he had never felt quite like this before. He didn't want to think that, but did anyway.  
  
He couldn't compare Sam with Sara. It wasn't fair. It wasn't right. He and Sam worked together. They saw each other virtually every day. They'd seen things of each other, and shared so much, that no one else except other members of the SGC could relate to, empathise with, or understand. Only a few people in the country even knew about what they did and Sam and he were free to talk about work. He and Sara never had been. It was inevitably very different, if only for that reason. His and Sam's relationship was. unusual.  
  
They had never even kissed on the mouth. Sure, they'd pecked at each other's cheeks, Jack had kissed Sam's hair, her hands. They'd touched fondly, hugged occasionally, like two close friends. That's how they behaved, like two close friends. They figured that's what they were, for now. By no means were they lovers, but only because they had never consummated the relationship, never known physical intimacy with each other. An outside observer, watching them on their own together might think that they were a long-time married couple. A couple who had been physically intimate, often, earlier in their relationship but who now valued companionship above everything.  
  
It had been going on like that for a little while. They'd seen each other a fair number of time times outside of work; dinner, movies, walks. Sometimes alone, sometimes with the guys. If Daniel and Teal'c noticed anything different between them, they knew better than to comment. They surely must have noticed. At work they were businesslike, but friendly. They hoped their relationship looked like it had in the days when they were good friends, before they'd drifted apart. No, they weren't lovers. Although they knew in their hearts that it was a delusion, they kidded themselves that, technically speaking, they weren't breaching the regs.  
  
Jack felt uncertain about the whole thing with Sam. Usually he was decisive, could weigh up the pros and cons rapidly to reach his conclusion. That was his job, right? But this? Flouting the regs this way was not his style. Breaching them altogether to have an affair with her would be a violation of his principles. He loved Sam, he knew that; had known it for a long time if truth be told. He was torn between honour and desire. He couldn't stop himself, despite all of that.  
  
What had he expected when he waited at her house that night? He couldn't honestly say. His jealousy, and sense that he was loosing someone very dear to him, had blinded his usual relatively sound judgement. He was spiralling out of control and he didn't much like that. It was the one thing that soured his life right now.  
  
Sure, he had never been a stickler for the regs; he'd bent them, interpreted them loosely, had even broken them. Not for his own selfish reasons though. Okay there had been the armband debacle, the O'Malley's thing, but he was under an alien influence, yadda, yadda, yadda. Then there was that time.better not to even think about that incident. So his breaches of regs, the ones that really counted, they were the life and death times, the saving the planet times. His and Sam's relationship most certainly was not life and death, although it might have saved his scrawny butt.  
  
He'd considered resigning many times. It would be the honourable thing to do. Resign, get on with a life with Sam; if she wanted that. For crying out loud, at least then he could make love with her without adding to his burden of guilt. Once, when he'd broached it with her, he'd been surprised at her reaction. She didn't want him to give up something he loved so much, that he was so good at. She said the SGC needed him, the team needed him. There were too many consequences.  
  
Jack thought she was right about that. It would be hard to give that up, a huge sacrifice. Even so, he pondered whether he was still up to the job. Apart from his dwindling physical fitness, he was concerned that he couldn't make the right decisions anymore; worried that he would put the lives of others at risk because of his feelings for Sam. Increasingly he realised the sense, and reality, of those pesky regs.  
  
The rest of the team, the job and the SGC aside, one of the worst things about resigning would be not being able to work with Sam anymore. He'd get to spend a lot less time with her. She'd find it difficult to talk to him about her missions. It would be insufferable to have to wait for her return, knowing that this time might be THE one; the one she wasn't coming back from. Not being there for her if that happened, how could he live with that?  
  
On the other hand, he didn't want any son of a bitch thinking that she used the casting couch either. It would be an insult to her intelligence, her ability, her integrity; everything. Nor could he bear that people might think he had harassed her in any way, just to get her into bed. That would sully the relationship, make it seem dirty. For crying out loud, they hadn't even slept together yet. Then again, no one knew what was going on between them, but he couldn't be sure it would stay that way. It struck fear into his heart that someone might find out and think such things. Particularly about her. Screw what they might think about him.  
  
He was one confused Colonel O'Neill.  
  
Although he would never have guessed, things were due to change.  
  
**********************  
  
Sam had been stuck in the lab all day wishing she had the day off, along with Jack. As usual, it was her own fault, she needn't have been there, but the experiment she was doing on particle accelerators was just too damned fascinating. Deciding to pop in to see him in on her way home, she pulled up outside his house and ran lightly to his door. Crazy, she realised, but she'd missed him. She was used to him popping into her lab to distract her. It could be pretty annoying at times, but the absence had made her yearn for it.  
  
When he answered he didn't look too happy to see her and she shuddered, already regretting her impulsiveness. He looked sullen, almost grunting a greeting. On the table in his living room stood a bottle of whiskey, more than half empty. Sam could tell by his demeanour that he'd been drinking it and she wondered how much. Was it just this, or was there another finished bottle in the garbage? Jack could take a lot of liquor, and he seemed a little off-balance, so she guessed he'd had quite a few. It puzzled her; she hadn't seen him drink like this, figured he probably only did it when he was alone and depressed. Well he had been alone until she arrived to disturb his obviously wonderful day off. Was he depressed?  
  
"Jack, what's wrong?" She ventured, softly.  
  
"Nothing! I'm fine." He snapped back, his tone denying his words. No, he wasn't fine; he wasn't in the least fine. Was it anger and hurt that she heard there? Jack could be so damned infuriating and Sam wasn't in the mood for his games. She'd been working hard all day and was tired. It was OK for him; he'd just been sat at home all day, probably doing nothing better with himself than drinking. Instead of feeling sympathetic, which she might have normally, she was mad at him. Damned inconsiderate ass! So her tone met his.  
  
"Fine. You don't wanna talk. I don't wanna listen. Screw you Jack O'Neill. I can't handle one of your tantrums right now!"  
  
Jack held up a hand as if to stop her.  
  
"Tantrums? Goddammit Sam, can't you even allow me to be in a bad mood?"  
  
"Drunk, more like. You've been drinking all day when I've been working. Then you decide it would be a good thing to just be downright rude to me? So much for popping in after work to say hi."  
  
"Hey! It's not like that, honest." Jack was starting to get defensive.  
  
"Well either speak to me civilly or not at all, OK?"  
  
"Ok. I get it!" It was an angry and frustrated tone but, after a long pause he continued, more subdued. "Sara called around today."  
  
Sam stiffened at the mention of her name. She had always felt uncomfortable about Sara; the very fact of her She had been a big thing in Jack's life and he had loved her for a long time. She secretly feared that he still did. He'd been happy with her, until Charlie had died. If he hadn't, they would probably still be together.  
  
She felt a pang of jealousy and tried to hide it. She didn't have any right to feel that way. She and Jack weren't even lovers. Nonetheless, she felt the jealousy threatening to overwhelm her. She tried to kid herself that maybe she could have borne anyone but Sara; this was arrant nonsense, but Sara was her worst nightmare. She knew how Jack had felt about her.  
  
Trying to sound casual Sam said "Oh?"  
  
Jack looked pained, pouring himself another drink, not even offering Sam anything. She cringed at that. Then he came straight out with it, much too forthright for Jack about something so personal.  
  
"She's getting re-married."  
  
Sam's eyes widened. So he was hurt and annoyed that his ex was getting re- married? Her stomach lurched. She'd been right, he was still in love with her. Oh, god! Had all this between them meant nothing then? It was hard to believe that.  
  
"I've been sitting here getting maudlin, regretting."  
  
Her jealousy and uncertainty rose quickly to the surface and she flared up. Only Jack O'Neill would have the downright audacity, the sheer arrogance to sit there and tell her that he regrets breaking up with his ex. OK, so she wasn't exactly his current lover or anything like that, but she had thought they were something special; that the relationship was going somewhere. So she lost it. Son of a bitch! How dare he?  
  
"You really are a total bastard, you know that? I can't believe what an egotistical piece of shit you are, Jack O'Neill! You have no thought for anybody's feelings but your own. If you wanted to let me down, tell me you were still in love with Sara, then you could have at least been a bit more subtle and gentle about it." And she was out of the door before he could do anything but gape in shock and dismay.  
  
"Sam! Sam. it's not like that, please! For crying out loud!" He cried after her, too late. She was gone and he couldn't believe she had moved so quickly. His own uncoordinated state made him struggle to reach the door, only to see her driving off already. What? Had she grown wings? Or maybe he had lead weights on his feet, or was just too slow these days. Going back into the house as quickly as he could move himself, he phoned her mobile, frantic to speak to her. Should have guessed that she wouldn't pick up. He left a message. Crap!  
  
Jack had been surprised when Sarah called. He thought she was also surprised to reach him so quickly. She'd probably expected his answering machine, then days waiting for him to return the call. Same old, same old. She's wanted to see him so he invited her round there and then.  
  
It had been a little uncomfortable between them when she arrived, the conversation stilted and about trivial stuff. She had taken a while to get around to the purpose of her visit, as if she dreaded Jack's reaction. He'd been stunned, not knowing what to think or feel about it. Trying to hide his reaction, he'd been polite, saying how happy he was for her, wishing her luck, and giving her a goodbye hug. He wasn't expecting an invite to her wedding any time soon.  
  
Immediately after she left, he got out the whiskey bottle and knocked a few back while he mouldered over the turn of events. He was surprised that his first reaction was a surge of jealousy; it had been a very long time ago. Obviously, he needed to work out how he felt about it.  
  
Sam, he loved Sam. He knew that with certainty. But that didn't mean that he didn't care about Sara. They'd been together for a long time. After everything between them he figured that you didn't stop caring just because a person was no longer part of your life. Sara would always be important to him. He couldn't just snip those years out of his experience of life like you might cut out a cancerous growth. He grimaced at that analogy which was not really appropriate; made it sound like it was something he would rather cut out and that wasn't true. About some small parts of it, true maybe, but most of the time his marriage had been pretty happy.  
  
He sat drinking all afternoon, thinking about Sara, Charlie, their lives, and Charlie's death. The latter part of their marriage had made for a sorry story but there had been some very good times indeed. He reflected on those with longing and regret. He recalled when they had first met and fallen in love. Before he met her he'd been a bit of a bastard with women, though; had never had a shortage of supply in that area. He didn't stay with any of them for very long, generally dumping them unceremoniously. Sara? She'd been different, had totally bowled him over from the get go. Without her, he would have been a different man; she had changed him for the better.  
  
He remembered when Charlie was born, how happy and delighted they had both been; the expression of love on her face when she looked at this tiny thing that was theirs; his stupid jealousy for the love between mother and son; and his own total adoration. Good times.  
  
This all came back to Jack in a flash after Sam had gone. Sure he regretted lots of stuff about Sara; that he had pushed her away, been so cold and distant, when she needed him most. He wished he'd been more. approachable. Yeah, he regretted that she'd gone when he got back from Abydos; signing the divorce papers had sickened him and made him feel dejected and totally alone. He had deserved that, though.  
  
She'd always supported him through thick and thin, even when he came back from Iraq a total basket case. She had probably saved him from himself then. Yet he could not help her when Charlie died. How could he? He had died himself for a long while; he could only deal with it in his own way.  
  
So he guessed he did still love Sara in a way, but not in the way Sam obviously thought. He needed to see Sam, to talk to her, explain. He had never really spoken to her about any of that and maybe it was time he did. He couldn't loose Sam, couldn't bear that now.  
  
He grabbed his jacket then realised that he probably shouldn't drive in this state. Then he tried her mobile again, to no avail. After leaving another message, he called a cab.  
  
************  
  
Sam drove a few minutes from Jack's place, then recognised she wasn't capable, so pulled the car over. Her eyes brimmed with tears, although she wasn't crying. So angry and hurt was she that she couldn't think straight or even breathe properly. She wanted to throw up. God, had she lost Jack just like that? Was it so simple?  
  
Things had been good; great actually. They had been getting closer and she was actually feeling that this thing between them could work. They'd made that agreement a few months ago; to be friends, test the waters, and not risk it all to leap into the unknown. Recently, she'd been thinking she should negotiate some additional clauses.  
  
Now it looked like that wasn't going to happen and she bitterly regretted never having made love with Jack. Although, perversely, she was also glad because it was less embarrassing that way. She'd see Hammond in the morning about a transfer; away from the SGC, SG1, him. Things had gone too far and they could never work together now. How could she ever trust him again, look him in the eyes, take his orders?  
  
Had it all been wrong from the start, as she'd feared? She'd been right when she said she didn't know him. The Jack she thought she knew would never have done this to her, would never have even started it knowing that he still loved his ex-wife. Maybe he hadn't realised until it came upon him suddenly when Sara told him her news. Jack was good at burying stuff.  
  
She remembered what he'd said about Sara when they'd been stuck in that damned ice-cave all those years ago, and how he had spoken of her. It had been very obvious then. She laughed in a resentful manner, recalling that it was in that frigid place that she'd started to realise that she had some feelings for Jack that she shouldn't. It had only been a minor awakening, but it had been there.  
  
When she'd seen them together during that crystal entity incident, Jack had radiated his feelings for Sara. Sam recalled her slight twinge of jealousy over that. All of it was a long time ago. She didn't even think that Jack had seen Sara for years. Although who was she to know for sure? Jack O'Neill was a dark horse; harbouring hidden feelings for his wife for years seemed like something he might do. As this entered her head, she could no longer withhold the flow of tears and she drooped forward onto the steering wheel, crying freely, shoulders shaking as the sobbing wracked her whole body.  
  
******  
  
Jack slumped in the back of the cab, willing the driver to go faster; he desperately needed to get to Sam's. How could Sam even think that? Why did she? Was it because he had said he'd been sitting there regretting stuff? He hadn't intended it like she imagined. She hadn't even given him the chance to finish his sentence. Even if she had, he probably would have screwed it up; he was good at that. Had she so little faith in him then? In their relationship, too? He had to admit it was pretty strange. Two adults who'd been seeing each other for 3 months, lusting for one and other the whole time, but who hadn't even had sex. Madness. Go figure! Why did things always have to be so complicated as far and he and Sam were concerned?  
  
No matter what happened tonight, her lack of faith in them did not fill him with any optimism for their future. Maybe it had always been a non- starter; a stupid fancy they both shared, but that really was just a fancy.  
  
Then he wondered whether Sam had always believed he still loved Sara. Had she no faith in herself either? In her own ability to make him love her? He tried the mobile again, feeling that he must have left her at least 20 messages by now; well, maybe not that many, but a few. Please, talk to me Sam, talk to me. Don't do this to us. His plea went unheeded as he got the messaging service again.  
  
He was leaving another message when it happened. A truck coming out of a crossroads failed to break and smashed heavily into the cab. It slammed into the passenger side, and Jack's world went black around him. 


	6. Understandings & Misunderstandings Part ...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 6: The Guilt and Regret of Loss  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: su.freund@blueyonder.co.uk  
  
Website: (all of my stories can be found here)  
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst / Drama / Romance  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: Allusions to, and minor spoilers for, Children of the Gods, Cold Lazarus, and The Devil You Know  
  
Season: 7 or later  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings and Misunderstandings Series Part 5: Feelings We Feel  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Content Warnings: None  
  
Summary: Jack is in hospital, badly injured, while Sam and the others contemplate a future without him  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © Su Freund 2003  
  
File Size: 83 KB  
  
Archive: SJD, yes. Jackfic, yes. Fic_with_Fins, Gateworld, FanFiction net.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks again to Bonnie for her excellent beta of my work, and suggestions and encouragement. As always, any mistakes are my own.  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 6: The Guilt and Regret of Loss  
  
At the SGC:  
  
By the time the message got through to Hammond he was just about ready to go home for the night. After the call came, he stared at the telephone receiver in disbelief; as if Jack didn't get into enough trouble off-world. It sounded bad. He immediately tried to raise Major Carter both at home and on her mobile, without success.  
  
He summoned Teal'c to his office and, as he waited, called Dr Jackson. More luck there. Daniel was stunned; initially speechless, then stammering that he'd go to the hospital right away, and, no, he didn't know where Major Carter was.  
  
************  
  
At Daniel's:  
  
Daniel called a cab and waited. He was agitated and upset as he paced restlessly around his living room. Jack O'Neill was frequently a whole heap of trouble. Daniel considered this trouble worth it, however, to be able to call the man his friend. Now his friend was gravely injured, by the sound of it. He kept looking out of the window, waiting for the cab, impatient to get to the hospital to find out what was going on. He imagined he could have got one in the street by now and wished he'd just taken his car instead, but he'd had a drink earlier; his bloodstream and alcohol just didn't seem to mix too well.  
  
He brooded about how bad it might be. They'd all seen Jack near death on far too many occasions; he'd managed to cheat it by fair means or foul. Now this? A cab accident? It just seemed too ridiculous for words, given everything that had happened to Jack and the rest of them over the years. How ironic if the great Jack O'Neill was felled by something so mundane. Daniel didn't want to go there; think about Jack dying. He couldn't bear thinking that this might mean the end of Jack, their friendship, and SG-1.  
  
It forced him to reflect on how Jack and the others must have felt after he had 'died' and ascended. He had never really considered how hard that would have been on them all; particularly Jack. He would have bottled it up, buried it deep, and tried to get on with things as if it hadn't happened. Jack would never have talked to anyone about it; it wasn't the O'Neill way. Daniel knew that he would have blamed himself; he cared deeply for his team and took it hard when they were hurt in any way. Daniel's own 'death' must have been like a nightmare for him.  
  
It had been Jack that he had gone to persuade them to let him go. He remembered that at least. Although Jack had done it, Daniel realised that he had asked him to do the one thing that would have been hardest of all, and hurt him the most; let go of one of his team, one of his friends. He wondered whether the others had blamed Jack for it all and what the fallout had been after he'd gone.  
  
He had never really discussed this with Jack or the others and regretted it now. Not that Jack was ever likely to have told him his deepest feelings, but it might have helped him find a little peace or resolution about the whole thing.  
  
Daniel cursed himself for being a selfish son of a bitch. He was taken aback at how much the idea of Jack's possible demise distressed him. It wasn't that he didn't think he'd be affected by it, oh god he knew it would be dreadful, but the depth of that feeling surprised him. They had been through so much together. Jack could be a frustrating, pig-headed, argumentative moron sometimes, but he was always there for Daniel, supporting him and helping him to pick up the pieces. His loss would be fundamental.  
  
**************  
  
At the SGC:  
  
Although Teal'c looked outwardly calm, as always, Hammond knew that, inside, he would be concerned and upset by Jack's accident, just as he was himself. Teal'c was very loyal to Jack personally; wouldn't even be here if not for him. Hammond was aware that Teal'c had an extremely high regard for O'Neill. He would do for anything for him. At first, Teal'c did not respond to the General's bad news, but Hammond could almost see him working through it.  
  
"Is he gravely injured GeneralHammond?" He asked, after a long pause.  
  
"Teal'c, I'm afraid I don't know the real answer to that. From what I could gather it sounded pretty bad, yes son. I'm sorry."  
  
"As am I."  
  
"I've arranged a car to take us both to the hospital, son. However, it seems my attention might be needed here for a while; a little difficulty with SG-11." He noticed Teal'c's eyebrow rise in curiosity, "but don't you concern yourself with that. You take the car and I'll join you later."  
  
Teal'c part bowed and part nodded in acknowledgement, leaving to change into his street clothes, and the hat that was ever present when he went topside.  
  
Both men were deeply disturbed by this turn of events. Hammond had to stifle these feelings to get on with the job at hand. Teal'c didn't show any emotion on his face, but inside he was ill at ease; a feeling that did not bode well for his friend O'Neill.  
  
***********  
  
At Sam's:  
  
When Sam eventually got home she just kicked off her shoes and slumped on the settee. She'd already gone through virtually the whole gamut of emotions over the Jack and Sara thing and was back to good and mad; pointedly avoiding Jack's calls. In fact, she was avoiding the phone altogether, in case it was him.  
  
That bastard had better not come knocking on this door any time soon, no siree. She'd give him what for. Arrogant ass! How dare he have the nerve to call trying to placate her; she assumed that was what he was attempting to do. No way was she was going to let him give her a line of bull. The Jack O'Neill charm was not going to get him out of this one.  
  
Fixing herself a drink, she downed it in one and was seriously tempted to throw the glass at the wall in her current rage. Stupid. It was her wall; she'd have to clear it up. She should have done that with the rat's drink while she was there. Tipped the thing all over his head is what she should have done; the whole damned bottle.  
  
She was aware that the light on her answering machine was flashing. It started to nag at her. Probably the rat. Wheedling and squirming. Let him wheedle. Let him squirm. He could wait on her pleasure. Sure, when hell freezes over. Have another drink, Sam. Cheers!  
  
It dawned on her that it might be the SGC; Hammond. There may have been some disaster or another and they needed her to save the planet. again! It wasn't only the rat that saved the damned planet. She was pretty good at it too; just as good as the rat was; better. It would serve his ass right if it got shafted good and proper after she had gone.  
  
Why should it be her to go, anyway? She loved the job. It's the rat that should go. Maybe she should make his life a misery until he gave up and retired again. Yeah, she was pretty sure she could do that if required. She could just try telling him to. However, it wasn't a word she used that often.  
  
Sighing, she got to her feet and went over to pick up the messages. If Jack was whining down that phone line at her she'd ram the whole thing down his throat next time she saw him.  
  
It was Hammond's voice telling her that Jack had been in an accident, he was in hospital. He suggested that she should get over there  
  
Sam thought her heart stopped momentarily, then it's beat quickly picked up pace to thumping rapidly. Jack? An accident? The hospital? Oh God! Her anger had turned to fear, dread, and regret. She'd just been sat here while Jack was lying in hospital. That was despicable; she should have picked up her messages as soon as she got in. She'd just sat here.  
  
Very quickly, she left the house and got back into her car. Her mind raced. Hammond had said she had better get there. How bad was it? Did Hammond suggest that because Jack was seriously hurt? Was he dying? My god, he could have been dying all that time she was sitting there calling him all the names under the sun. He could already be dead, and she was too late to say goodbye; to ask his forgiveness. She would never forgive herself if that happened.  
  
No. She refused to accept it. He couldn't die. Not like that. Not like anything. Jack! Goddammit! She had to keep herself together, under control, at least until she got there; had to be able to drive. Sam tried to concentrate on the road. Some help it would be if she ended up in a hospital ward too.  
  
It was impossible to stop herself thinking about it; of course it was. Jack and Sara; that all seemed so stupid. Jack was hurt; nothing else mattered. She was desperate to find out how he was; make sure he was alive. She didn't want to lose him; not like this. Not in any way. The loss would be unendurable.  
  
She almost laughed at the irony. Only 10 minutes ago she'd been cursing him; vowing she would never forgive him and that she's make him suffer for his impudence. Now? She'd forgive him anything; she'd win him back, make him love her. Sara was getting married to someone else. Jack would get over it. He would move on; with her. He had to be alive.  
  
How could she ever forgive herself if he died. Her last words to him had been hateful. She loved him, and had been hateful. He'd probably been on his way over to her place when it happened. Christ!  
  
Sam's world had been turned upside down. That had been bad enough. Not knowing how bad it was, how he was, gnawed at her. She loved him. It was simple. She should have thought of that earlier. She hated that she had never told him how she felt. She should have said something; anything. She should have made it plain what she wanted from him.  
  
Sex would have been good, for starters. She'd always imagined he'd be pretty damned hot. She had wanted that, a lot. More important to her, however, was just to hold him, feel his arms around her, and his body close to hers. She wanted to wake up with him next to her in bed in the morning; take a shower with him; have their toothbrushes sit next to each other on the bathroom shelf; be able to smooth her hands through the grey hair on his chest. There was so much she wanted to do. Would any of that ever be possible now?  
  
Bastard! How could he get himself involved in an accident? Was he driving? He was drunk when she left him. Had he got in his truck to drive over in that state? Jack, you fool. She wanted to shout at him, beat him on the chest, slap his face for being so stupid. She wanted him to be alive, to be alright. Thoughts that he might not be made her feel sick. She was to blame. He would never have left the house if it hadn't been for her.  
  
Reaching Memorial Hospital, she pulled into the parking lot and ran quickly inside to find Jack. She was frantic; a mess.  
  
************  
  
Later, at the hospital:  
  
"Come on Sam that's ridiculous, the guy's crazy about you."  
  
"And you know this, how?"  
  
"Well he has never exactly said it. Jack would never say something like that to me, you know that; probably not to anyone. But it's obvious, at least to me, and has been for a while. If you'd seen how devastated he was when he thought he'd had to kill you that time."  
  
She didn't let him finish. "That was a long time ago Daniel."  
  
"Yes it was. But so was Sara."  
  
"That doesn't mean that he doesn't love her."  
  
"No. No it doesn't, but it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you either."  
  
Sam grimaced. "As always, Daniel, your logic is impeccable." She implacably refused to be comforted.  
  
When Sam had reached the hospital she had been so distraught, that Daniel been shocked by her appearance. Jack was in OR and they didn't know how bad it really was, or what exactly his injuries were. He and Teal'c were waiting, worried and upset by what had happened. Daniel thought that Sam looked like hell and, nodding to Teal'c as if in a secret language, had whisked her away to talk, almost forgetting his own concerns, to try and help her.  
  
She had been reluctant to say anything at first, knowing that neither of their team mates were officially aware of what had been going on between her and Jack; whatever that really was. When Daniel had made it clear that he had guessed something had changed between them, the dam had burst again and she had fallen into his arms, crying. Daniel had never seen Sam openly weeping before; she shocked him for a second time. When the sobbing subsided, she had told him almost everything, including the Sara fiasco.  
  
Daniel recalled that Sam's mother had died in an automobile accident. She'd been in a cab, just like Jack; a cab that she should not have been in because Jacob was supposed to have picked her up and was late. Jack shouldn't have been in the cab either; wouldn't have been if not for Sam's jealousy and anger.  
  
Although Sam had not yet alluded to the similarity he knew that the thoughts must going through her mind. She was blaming herself. Her guilt was consuming her, along with her recollection of that first terrible loss and her fears of another, perhaps even greater, one. He knew what it was like to lose a parent; he'd been unfortunate enough to lose two of them. He knew what it was like to lose the person you loved, too; Sha're. He still felt the pangs of that loss after all these years.  
  
Then, on top of that, Sam felt the despair of having lost Jack in another, totally different, way. Daniel believed he knew better than that. Jack might never talk about it but Daniel was absolutely certain that his feelings for Sam were the kind that you felt forever.  
  
Despite what you saw on the surface, the Jack inside was more complex and multifaceted than anyone Daniel had ever met. Although Jack was the type of guy who hid behind the mask of a simple man, he was very far from it. The small glimpses he had seen of that inner Jack were the things that made Daniel grateful for his friendship and loyalty; to have such a friend was a blessing that one did not often encounter in life. It made him love Jack as a friend more than any friend he'd ever had. Daniel, too, was suffering the fear of the loss but, right now, his heart went out to Sam and her despair, so he tried to cover his own turmoil.  
  
"Look, Sam, this probably doesn't say a lot about me, not a lot good, anyway, but. Jack's my best friend." Sam laughed at that. Daniel smiled sheepishly, then continued, "Trust me when I tell you that the guy's feelings for you run deep, ok?"  
  
Sam was too distracted and overwrought to really absorb what Daniel was saying. In his heart he knew that she didn't really believe him; probably only Jack would ever convince her. He'd already tried to persuade her that it wasn't all her fault, without success. Typical Sam, she deflected Daniel away from the subject that she was uncomfortable with.  
  
"You know, I've got some messages from him on my mobile and I can't bring myself to listen to them." She shrugged sadly.  
  
"You want me to do it?"  
  
She shook her head and smiled weakly, "no. I have to face it... later"  
  
"What are you scared of Sam?"  
  
"That he said something that I really don't want to hear right now." She looked at her feet as she said it, knowing what Daniel would say, but not really wanting to hear him. She wanted to feel sorry for herself; guilty and wretched.  
  
"What if he said something that you could really do with hearing around about now, Sam? Have you thought of that?" Sure, of course she'd thought of that; she just wasn't ready. She turned her back on Daniel, looking out of the window, and spoke softly.  
  
"Daniel? My mother."  
  
Daniel moved towards her, turning her to face him and taking her in his arms.  
  
"I know, Sam, I know." He whispered as he held her tightly.  
  
This time there was no crying, but she clung to Daniel as if her whole life depended on that hug. Sam's mind was fit to burst with all the thoughts and emotions that were whirling through it, vying for attention. Suddenly there was one thought that came to the surface and took control. She needed to know how Jack was. She had to put on a public face and meet the world outside of this little room that Daniel had found for them. She pulled away from Daniel, abruptly.  
  
"Daniel. Let's go back. I don't want to miss anything. The doctor." it was left unfinished. Daniel just nodded his head and, with his arm around her shoulder, led her back to where Teal'c sat.  
  
**********  
  
While Daniel and Sam were away, Teal'c waited stoically for news of his friend. He was someone who, even more than Jack, hid the passionate feelings that boiled inside of him. He was Jaffa, raised as a warrior first and foremost, and those feelings he might feel as a man were inappropriate to that training.  
  
The idea that O'Neill might die as a result of these injuries disturbed him greatly. O'Neill was his friend and meant a great deal to him. The loyalty and comradeship he felt for O'Neill was unlike anything he had encountered before; even with Master Bra'tac. It was a totally different relationship.  
  
That day on Chulak, he had immediately recognised something in O'Neill worth the sacrifices he made to save him. He instinctively knew that here was a man that was a worthy leader, who could help him fulfil his own dreams for the freedom of his people. O'Neill had been different; unique. He would probably never find the like again. O'Neill had stood by him through everything, good and bad, and Teal'c had returned that loyalty, trust and friendship as steadfastly as it was given.  
  
It saddened Teal'c that he might lose all of that; and that his friends and this world could lose a man of whom they all had great need. Should O'Neill die now, the fight against the Goa'uld, and all the other evil forces in this galaxy, would lose one of it's greatest warriors; and Teal'c would lose his greatest friend. It saddened him, also, that O'Neill might die in this stupid and unnecessary way when it was only worthy of him to die a heroic and meaningful death.  
  
Teal'c knew that such feelings must also reside in both MajorCarter and DanielJackson. And MajorCarter had a special relationship and feelings for O'Neill that would make it doubly hard for her. He had seen this amply demonstrated on many occasions; the additional concern that both of them had for the other when they thought them at risk. He also recognised that something had changed between them over the last few months. One could not help but observe that their feelings for each other had evolved and deepened in an irrevocable way.  
  
He vowed to put his own feelings aside to help MajorCarter; to be there for her should she require it. He greatly admired the Major; her resilience, strength, intelligence. She was a good warrior, a good woman. She, too, deserved his friendship and respect and he was willing to provide both in abundance.  
  
DanielJackson would also be in need of support, should the worst happen. Despite the obvious differences between O'Neill and DanielJackson, Teal'c knew that the Doctor held O'Neill in very high regard. He would need to watch his friends closely for signs of distress, and help in any way that he could.  
  
Although Teal'c hoped for a better end for his friend, he watched a lot of television while inside the mountain and knew that automobile accidents were commonplace, and frequently fatal. If not fatal, they could have a lasting impact on their victims that changed their lives forever. It was not uncommon for their victims to be severely injured. Even should O'Neill live, he may have sustained injuries that could mean the end to his leadership of SG-1 and his military career.  
  
This, and memories of the times spent in O'Neill's company and under his leadership, was running through Teal's mind, over and over, when DanielJackson and MajorCarter returned to wait with him.  
  
Sam, sensing some of Teal'c own inner tumult, smiled weakly at him, squeezing his arm and planting a small kiss on his cheek. It comforted him more than he had thought possible and he smiled and nodded his gratitude to her as she sat next to him. She lowered her head onto his shoulder, for support, and he put one of his huge arms around her. Daniel sat on the other side of Sam, and she reached out her free arm to grasp his hand in companionship.  
  
*********  
  
They waited like this for quite a while before they heard anything. Then a doctor appeared and they all stood to greet him, eagerly waiting his words, while also dreading them. He turned to Sam.  
  
"You must be Colonel O'Neill's wife or girlfriend? He has a picture of you in his wallet."  
  
Sam felt a flush to her face; she didn't know he carried her picture with him. She pulled herself together quickly; she was a Major in the US Air Force, for god's sake, she would deal with all this. She desperately needed to know how Jack was and looked determinedly at the doctor.  
  
"I'm Sam Carter. Major Sam Carter. He's a close friend. How is he doctor? Please, don't give us any crap; just tell us straight, OK?"  
  
The doctor looked surprised at her forthright and open manner and nodded his assent.  
  
"I'm afraid he suffered major internal bleeding from a lacerated liver. We've done our best in the OR, he's received blood transfusions, but it's pretty serious. He lost a lot of blood, and his liver was badly damaged. I'm very sorry, Ms. Carter, but right now it's difficult to know whether he'll pull through."  
  
Sam inadvertently let out a small yelp, and Teal'c reached over to support her. His strength kept her from buckling. Jack had lived through a lot of very serious injuries. She prayed this wouldn't be one too many. The irony that these injuries had been sustained right here on earth in almost the most prosaic way possible was not lost on her. If he was going to die right now he'd much rather it was in the defence of his planet, or friends; she knew he would passionately wish not to die right now.  
  
"Em. I'm sorry, there's more. His right leg was crushed and is pretty seriously damaged. If he pulls through this, he will need at least one other operation for that. But we can't do any of that until he's stabilised. He's probably suffering from a concussion, but that's relatively minor by comparison. At the very least, he will be in ICU for a few days."  
  
The doctor then went into more detail, but Sam couldn't absorb it all. It didn't matter, she could ask again later. She only wanted to know one thing now.  
  
"Can we see him, doctor?"  
  
"Not right now. Look, he won't regain consciousness for quite some time, Ms. Carter." If at all, he thought. "You'd be better off going home, getting some rest, and coming back later."  
  
"You're kidding, right?" Sam sparked and raised her voice. "No way am I leaving this hospital until I know he's going to be alright!"  
  
As if in support, Teal'c let go of Sam then moved slightly towards the doctor, staring at him silently in that Teal'c type way. The doctor quailed a little, but held firm in his refusal.  
  
"Ms. Carter. Please stay calm. Be reasonable. It could be quite a while before we know that. He is best left in peace right now."  
  
Sam and the doctor argued back and forth about access to Jack. Sam was being very insistent, but stayed business like, the Major in her taking control of her battered emotions. The doctor, however, remained stubborn in his refusal to allow them see O'Neill. Sam was angry; if they had been related to Jack then it might have been different. But they were his family; she could not seem to convey this to the doctor.  
  
Daniel interrupted abruptly, trying to be the man of reason, as usual; trying to placate the doctor and give him an excuse to back down.  
  
"Look Doctor," he said in his most reasonable and diplomatic tones, "I know you are doing what you think is best, but in a military hospital, or the base infirmary, we would at least be allowed to see him for a little while. He would want us to watch over him, he'd do it for any one of us. If he's unconscious, what harm is it going to do to let us see him?"  
  
Despite Daniel's efforts, the doctor remained uppity.  
  
"It really is out of the question for anyone to go in there right now." He responded.  
  
"And exactly why is that, Doctor?" The voice was commanding, one of authority, and it had a Texas drawl. Jack's team all turned as one, nodding an acknowledgement of his presence. A small "sir" escaped from Sam's mouth, almost unnoticed.  
  
"And you are?" Said the doctor, looking towards the voice.  
  
"General Hammond, United States Air Force. Colonel O'Neill's commanding officer. And you, son?" The word 'son' was spoken in a tone that was both disdainful and unassailable at the same time. It almost brought the doctor to attention, despite this not being a military hospital and the doctor not being a member of the military.  
  
Of course, Hammond persuaded the doctor to let them see Jack for a short while. At one point he took the doctor aside, and they held what looked like a very earnest conversation at the end of which the doctor spoke in a slightly louder tone.  
  
"Put that way, I guess it might be alright; for a short while, but only two of you at a time. I do not want the patient disturbed."  
  
Sam snorted slightly at this, wishing that Jack could be disturbed quite that easily, although she said nothing. She was just relieved and grateful that she would get to see him. Thank god for Hammond, she thought. His appearance had its downside, however, as she struggled to remain the perfect Major and Colonel O'Neill's 2IC in his presence. Daniel sensed this and was determined that she get a chance to see Jack alone, or certainly without Hammond in the room.  
  
The doctor, having again explained Jack's condition, this time to the General, left them to the more tender mercies of a nurse. When Daniel suggested Teal'c and the General see Jack first, Sam looked askance at him, clearly annoyed; she so desperately needed to see Jack. Daniel lay a restraining arm on hers signalling with his eyes that this was for the best.  
  
Teal'c and the General were shocked by O'Neill's appearance. They had both seen him look pretty bad before; he had, after all, suffered many injuries in his time at the SGC, some of which might easily have resulted in his death. Nevertheless, he looked as bad, if not worse, than at any time they had seen him injured previously.  
  
********  
  
On the way over to the hospital, Hammond had ruminated about the enigma that was Jack O'Neill, and this accident and it's potential consequences. He had very much wanted to leave the base earlier to come here, but yet the small crises at the SGC had kept him from it.  
  
He fervently prayed that this accident would not be the end of either Jack O'Neill, or his career at the SGC. Jack could be insubordinate, ill tempered, sarcastic and a downright pain in the butt on a frequent basis. Despite that, he was still one of the finest officers that Hammond had ever had the honour to command.  
  
Hammond often thought that it was those very things that helped make him that fine officer. He was a maverick, but it made him see things differently to many other people in the military. He was simply one of the best team leaders he could ever wish for; he got the job done, and executed it with a brilliance that was not replicated by the other team leaders at the SGC, however good they were.  
  
He knew that Jack had a murky, dark past; he'd read his file, after all. He'd done and seen things that would probably shock his team to the very core if they knew. It was all a crucial part of what made Jack what he now was and, however distasteful some of what he had done, Hammond greatly admired and respected the man that was Jack O'Neill; both despite and because of them.  
  
They all needed him; Hammond needed him. He was not a person that was easily replaced and Hammond thought himself lucky that Jack counted him as a friend as well as a commanding officer. If they lost him, Hammond, the SGC, and SG-1 would sorely miss him. He shuddered to think of how they would all react to that loss, knowing that it could have more fundamental consequences than just the loss of O'Neill himself.  
  
SG-1 was the best of the best. He knew that was only in part because of O'Neill's leadership; the rest of the team played their own crucial roles to make up the whole. They were close, sometimes too close for comfort. Certainly closer than one expected from a team in the military. Hammond believed this was both a weakness and a strength; mainly a strength. The loss of O'Neill could turn it into a huge weakness.  
  
He wondered if Teal'c would even want to stay at the SGC if O'Neill were no longer there. He was a true asset to this planet, and a friend; Hammond also truly respected him. He was not sure that the SGC could stand that loss, if it happened. Sure, it would carry on, but it would never be the same again. Hammond too, would miss him. He couldn't help but like Teal'c a good deal. He was an unusual person.  
  
Dr Jackson would be devastated if they lost Jack; he knew that. Daniel and Jack might have significant differences, but he knew that Daniel cared about Jack like a brother and the loss would be hard on him. Now he no longer had a purpose in finding Sha're, he thought Daniel might be tempted to give up the SGC if Jack died. Knowing Dr Jackson, he would hide himself and his grief at an obscure archaeological dig somewhere on Earth.  
  
As for Major Carter? Hammond was far from stupid and knew full well that O'Neill and Carter felt something special for each other. It was definitely something way over and above what was allowed in the regs, even if they didn't do anything about it. He had often wondered whether he would be that bothered if they did do something about it; so long as it did not adversely impact on the team, their work, did it really matter in the grand scheme of things?  
  
He turned a blind eye to his suspicions about them. He sometimes considered that their special relationship was a help rather than a hindrance to the team. There was a time a few moths ago that he was worried it was all falling apart; O'Neill and Carter had appeared to distance themselves too much from each other, and lose their fundamental trust in on one and other.  
  
Then it had all suddenly changed and he had wondered what had happened to change it. It was probably for the best that he didn't know. What he cared about most was that the change has been good for the team, and for the two of them. He could never openly condone any behaviour that was contrary to the regs, but what the eye didn't see. So he mostly feigned ignorance of anything between the two that might be in breach of them.  
  
He suspected, however, that Jack's loss would have a hugely detrimental effect on his second. She may not even be able to bear to work at the SGC any longer, should that happen. The thought of that shook him; she was important to all of them and he loved her like a daughter, nearly as much as his friend Jacob did.  
  
He couldn't bear the idea of losing any one of them. Each time it had happened in the past, or nearly happened, the negative impact on the SGC, and himself personally, was too overwhelming to contemplate it happening again.  
  
**********  
  
When the General and Teal'c returned from seeing Jack, 15 minutes later, they said nothing to Sam or Daniel about what they had seen or felt, leaving them to make up their own minds about Jack's condition. Hammond said he had to get back to the mountain. Daniel had guessed he would and hoped it would allow Sam some breathing room. He was curious about one thing though.  
  
"Um, General Hammond?" Hammond nodded as if in assent for Daniel to speak, "how did you persuade the doctor to let us see him? He seemed so implacable."  
  
Hammond laughed softly, hoping to relieve the sombre mood a little.  
  
"I told him that Murray here," he indicated Teal'c, " was a slightly unstable war veteran; he would be mighty upset if he didn't get to see his commanding officer, Colonel O'Neill, who he had served with faithfully for many years. I added that I couldn't be held responsible for his actions. I just let his imagination do the rest, Dr Jackson."  
  
Daniel didn't know whether Hammond was joking or not about whether he had actually said that, but smiled at the thought of it; it wasn't so far from the truth in any event. He imagined the thoughts that might have gone through the doctor's head at the notion of Teal'c run rampant. Teal'c merely raised an eyebrow at Hammond's words, his face imperturbable.  
  
Once he had gone, Daniel went with Sam to visit Jack. She gasped aloud when she saw him, never having seen so many tubes and bits of equipment attached to anyone in her life before; not even Jack O'Neill. He had a bandage on his head, hence the possible concussion she thought, and wondered how bad that was. Other than the facts that he was deathly pale and had tubes and wires sticking out everywhere, he looked at peace.  
  
Daniel whispered that he would leave Sam alone, and she smiled wanly, squeezing his arm in gratitude. Sitting by his bed, she reached up to stroke his cheek, running her thumb across his brow. Then she leaned over and kissed the cheek gently and took his hand in hers, caressing his knuckles.  
  
"Jack, please don't die on me," she whispered gently. "Please be a stubborn son of a bitch as usual and live through this thing."  
  
She sat for as long as she was allowed, touching and talking to him. All the while she thought about how much she loved this man; how much it would hurt if he left her alone. Please don't leave me alone, Jack, I couldn't bear it, she thought; not now, not ever.  
  
When she left she said she needed some air and rejected both Teal'c's and Daniel's attempts to accompany her. She went out to the front of the hospital and switched on her mobile phone. Plucking up courage, she accessed her messages. The first one was an upset Jack; she could hear the catch in his throat.  
  
"Sam. I didn't mean what you think. Maybe I. maybe I just said it all wrong. You know I'm crap at all that stuff Sam. Please call me."  
  
She swallowed hard and took a few moments to compose herself before listening to the next message. This was a more frantic Jack.  
  
"Sam, give me a break, you're killing me here. For crying out loud, I'm not in love with Sara. Listen to me goddammit!"  
  
Not in love with Sara? She felt a huge sense of relief, before she realised how pointless all this had been. Her jealousy and anger had been the cause of it all. If Jack died, she would have killed him. It was her fault; she should have stayed to listen instead of loosing her temper. Dumb, dumb, dumb! For someone who could boast the letters Dr in front of her name, and quite a few others after it, she was pretty damned stupid. She spent the next 10 minutes chastising, blaming, and flagellating herself; making herself suffer.  
  
When she accessed the next message, it was one pissed Jack, screaming, "Son of a bitch, how many messages do I have to leave?" For some reason, she found herself smiling at his ire.  
  
The final message was the one that cracked her up again. In pleading and subdued tone Jack simply said, "Sam, please call." This was bad enough, but what really took her over the edge was she could hear the accident; the crash; the crushing of metal; Jack's scream; then nothing. She bent over, clutching her stomach as she violently threw up in the flowerbeds.  
  
She had to pull herself together. She didn't want anyone else from the SGC to see her like this. She had to become Major Samantha Carter again. All business, she went back inside and waited quietly with her team mates and friends. They were all desperate for any news about a change in O'Neill. It was a fruitless wait as they learned nothing new that day. Jack remained unconscious and the doctor was no better able to predict his fate.  
  
They sat all day waiting. None of them had had any sleep the previous night and it was now the following night; it had gone without them noticing the passage of night and day. Although the time passed interminably slowly, they were only aware that they still knew nothing further about O'Neill's prospects.  
  
A sympathetic nurse persuaded them that they should go home and get some rest, returning the next day. They agreed on condition that they could see him again before they left. Although the nurse knew the doctor's views on this, it did not mean that she agreed with them. As he was not there to know any different, she let them all go in, making them promise to be quiet.  
  
Yet again, Sam felt the need to touch him; anything to be close to him. She cursed that Jack wasn't in the infirmary at the SGC. At least then she could have stayed on the premises and persuaded one of the nurses to let her sneak in for a peek at Jack during the night.  
  
She was aware that, should Jack survive this and remain stabilised, Hammond would arrange to transfer him to the Air Force Academy Hospital and there she might be able to see him more often. Spotting his dog tags on the bedside table, she picked them up, holding them tightly, rubbing her thumb over them, feeling the need to take something of his with her.  
  
Daniel and Teal'c insisted that they accompany her home, Daniel driving her car, while Teal'c followed in Daniel's. Although they tried to persuade her to let them stay, she was adamant that she was all right. Both Daniel and Teal'c knew better, but Sam wouldn't budge, so they left her, promising to call in the morning before they went back to the hospital.  
  
Sam recognised that, although she had not slept for many hours, she might find it difficult to do so, thus didn't even make an attempt at it. She changed into old sweats and sneakers and, after fixing a drink, sat in her comfy chair thinking about the whole thing over and over.  
  
God, why had she always felt this jealousy of Sara? Envy, maybe, that Sara had had what she thought she never could? The knowledge that Jack had loved her deeply; that she, along with Charlie, had once been the whole world to him? That they were the things that had kept him sane in his insane life? She should be grateful to Sara for that part, at least. Jack was damaged goods, yes; but not so badly damaged that he was beyond repair. At least Sam didn't believe so.  
  
Jack would think she didn't trust him; that she had no faith in him or a relationship with him. Maybe there was some truth in that. She imagined Jack feeling disappointed in her about it; that it would rock what faith he had in her. She knew that she had made a horrible mistake in her reactions to his news; to his perceived feelings about that news.  
  
Deep down she realised that, although Jack still loved Sara, it was not at all in the way that she had imagined. She had let her jealously cloud her judgement; let it consume her in a way that only suspicion could devour a person.  
  
How could he not be moved by the idea that his ex-wife loved someone other than him? He had held onto her love for a very long time, relied on it to help him surmount almost impossible odds. However little she knew about their relationship, she did know that. Jack could not help but have regrets about the relationship that he had cherished so much, even if his life had moved on since then.  
  
She thought she understood it now. He could not have failed to remember all the good times, and those occasions when Sara had kept him sane. She had only failed in doing that towards the end; after Charlie died. Although she knew no details, Sam thought herself familiar enough with Jack to conceive of how he would have pushed Sara out of his life in his need to grieve his son's death.  
  
Jack had never spoken of it, but Daniel had told her that Charlie had shot himself with Jack's own gun. If she knew Jack O'Neill, he would blame himself, and never forgive himself for it. When it happened he would have been devastated to be the cause of his own son's death. It was no wonder he had shut out Sara; that his whole life had fallen apart.  
  
Jack would have been totally unable to express himself to Sara; or to help her with her own grief. How could he not have regrets about how his nature had destroyed them, and how he had let Sara down at the end? He would hate that, and feel, and live with the guilt and regret for his whole life.  
  
How could Sam have been such a fool? If she'd listened to him, rather than leaving, she might have learned something more about the real Jack; she craved that, and was angry with herself for letting that chance pass with her stupid reaction. Sam hoped she would still get the chance to get to know the man intimately; as much as he would allow her.  
  
She kept recalling what the doctor said about her photo in his wallet. A picture of her? In his wallet? She had never even contemplated that Jack would do such a thing. It spoke much to her about things she had never before comprehended about Jack. One of those things was that he loved her; loved Sam Carter. How could she ever have doubted that? He had demonstrated it plainly that night he had waited for her to get home; she had chosen not to recognise the true meaning of his uncharacteristic behaviour.  
  
There had been many times over the last few months that she had doubted him. Their original pact was to be close friends, before they went any further. They had both needed to get to know Jack and Sam a little better so they could decide if there was any hope for them outside of the SGC, and the military personas they knew so well.  
  
She had often thought that he simply didn't want to take it further. It dawned on her now that it was probably his very feelings for her that held him back. He would never have waited like that with anyone else, or for anyone else.  
  
Jack could be perverse. Sam had originally expressed the doubts about them not knowing their real selves. He wanted to be sure that Sam was sure. Why she hadn't grasped this before was beyond her, but she felt the truth of it now.  
  
This was all very well and good in hindsight. As ever, it was something that you could learn from - if you can live with the consequences of seeing too late what should have always been blindingly obvious. Sam knew how to love, how to regret, how to feel guilt. Maybe she wasn't the master at it that Jack was, but she was learning fast. She would be feeling like that a lot in the coming days and weeks. She also knew how to wait; something she would, moreover, need to learn to live with even more familiarly over the next few days.  
  
Sam sat curled up in the chair as she thought all this, continuing to caress Jack's dog tags in her hand. She was pleased that she had brought them away with her; they were a small comfort in her misery. Eventually, she dozed off with them still grasped tightly in her hand. 


	7. Understandings & Misunderstandings Part ...

Title: Understandings & Misunderstandings Part 7: The Power of Healing  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: su.freund@blueyonder.co.uk  
  
Website:   
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst / Drama / Romance  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Season: 7 or Later  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 6: The Guilt and Regret of Loss  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Content Warnings: Language. Sexual situations.  
  
Summary: Jack's in a good deal of pain when he awakes in hospital after his accident.  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright (c) 2004 Su Freund  
  
File Size: 62 KB  
  
Archive: SJD, yes. Jackfic, yes. Fic_with_Fins, FanFiction.net, Gateworld.  
  
Author's Note: My eternal thanks go to Bonnie for her beta of this fic and her ideas and inspiration, especially as she dragged herself away from her own muse to beta it for me. That must have been one heck of a fight! Also, thanks to all the readers who have given me encouragement to continue with this fic.  
  
The Power of Healing  
  
Jack awoke to a world of pain. Crap! His mind felt fuzzy and he was trying to remember what had happened to him this time. As he emerged from his unconscious state, the memories started to hit his brain. He groaned, recalling a cab ride, a truck, loud bangs, clashing of metal, crunching of the cab; of him. Ouch! He was still here in one piece, right? He was. wasn't he? Gingerly, he opened his eyes a little. He could see a little through his blurry vision and it looked like he might all be there. My god it hurt. Crap!  
  
He wondered where he was; probably the Memorial Hospital. Unless hell had changed a lot since his last visit. Oh good, a different set of four walls to the infirmary; a refreshing change. If only he didn't hurt so much. God damn!  
  
Groaning again he looked for a button to summon assistance. A nice shot of morphine would go down real nice right about now; a whole lot of shots of it. Please. Jesus! Having found what he hoped was the right button and pressed it, his mind started to shift to a higher gear, his memory of events coming back far too quickly. Sam! The heartache that came unbidden with her name just added to his list of woes. As if he wasn't in enough pain already. Where the hell was everybody?  
  
A nurse appeared from nowhere.  
  
"Colonel O'Neill. Welcome back to the land of the living. Its good to see you awake at last."  
  
Jack tried to open his mouth to speak but only managed a grunt; it felt like sandpaper and glue had been mixed together in there.  
  
"Don't try talking, Colonel." She reached over to check some equipment. "Are you in pain?" She smiled.  
  
Dumb question, Jack thought, of course I'm in frigging pain. I've had an auto accident, go figure! Instead of attempting to say anything, he nodded as emphatically as he could, given that his headache was the size of Wrigley Field. He felt like he'd been zapped with a Goa'uld ribbon device. Stupidly, he imagined saying that to the doctor when he asked what the pain felt like, and laughed to himself. Trust him to still see the absurd when he felt like crap.  
  
The nurse pressed something near Jack's hand and, almost immediately, he started to feel a little better. She explained to Jack how the Patient Controlled Analgesia pump worked; that he could press it himself and it would provide a pre-set dose of morphine; that it would beep very loudly should it run out. He looked concerned, so she explained that he couldn't overdose or become addicted because it was a controlled dosage and it wouldn't allow him to do that.  
  
Jack figured he'd be pressing that pump a lot. Oh boy, that was good. Morphine; there was nothing to beat it. Almost instant pain relief at his fingertips. Nice! Oh yeah. He'd have to requisition one of those for the SGC infirmary. Hands off, strictly for the use of Colonel Jack O'Neill! He sighed, closing his eyes again, sleep beckoning him with her seductive finger.  
  
**************  
  
SG-1's relief at hearing the Colonel had come round, was palpable. The doctor assured them that Jack had passed the worst. There was no reason to believe that he couldn't fully recover his health, although it might be a long slow road to that recovery. They still needed to fix his badly busted leg; he might need weeks or even months of physiotherapy, lots of rest and recuperation time. Full recovery, however, now seemed a likely outcome.  
  
Sam felt a weight lift. He would live; it answered her prayers. She hoped that the doctor was right about Jack's prognosis. He might get extremely pissed and bored with a long recovery process, but he may not have to give up the SGC and the work that he loved so much. That would mean a lot to him.  
  
When they were eventually told they could see a, conscious, O'Neill, Sam was edgy. Butterflies merrily flew around her stomach, and her heart fluttered nervously. Teal'c took her arm, squeezing gently, and steadfastly supporting her. She nodded her head in gratitude, smiling wanly up at him. He was such a comfort, a true friend. He didn't need to say anything, his physical presence and demeanour said it all for him.  
  
***********  
  
Jack was worried in a way that only he could be. Thoughts of Sam, her reaction to the Sara thing, haunted him, and he desperately needed to see her. He hoped she would come, wanting some assurance that she might be open to reconciliation. Fondly fingering the well worn picture he had of her in his wallet, he turned as the door opened and hastily hid it under the covers. She was here, with the rest of the team, but here nonetheless. His heart skipped a beat.  
  
"Hey Kids." He greeted them, weakly, a small smile on his lips. He was genuinely happy to see all of them; his kids, his team, his friends. He cared about each of them, and knew that they cared about him too. Even Sam cared, despite recent events. Pray to god she cared! They were his family, more important than anyone else in his life now that he had no real family of his own.  
  
As they talked, he noticed Sam's reticence. Daniel did most of the talking, about how worried they been, catching him up with any SGC news, yadda, yadda, yadda. Teal'c was stoically silent, as always, but would occasionally look towards O'Neill and nod, a small smile on his face. With that small gesture, Jack felt the warmth radiate from the big guy, and found it soothing. Sam was withdrawn, holding back from the chattering. It crushed him more effectively than the truck had. Sam, say something other than 'Colonel' or 'sir', please. Jack's silent plea went unanswered and his heart was heavy with dread.  
  
Eventually, Daniel suggested that they go get coffee and come back later, leaving Jack to rest for a short while. When he asked whether Jack would like something, he quipped,  
  
"T-bone steak, fries, onion rings and a bottle of Bud, please Daniel."  
  
Even Sam smiled slightly at that and Jack felt some hope well up inside of him. She declined the suggestion of coffee, and Daniel and Teal'c beat a hasty, tactical retreat, leaving her alone with Jack for the first time. Jack felt his heart race a little. It must mean something that she stayed here. Please god that it means something good, he could do with that right about now. Under the covers, one hand caressed the picture that hid there.  
  
Sam could see both physical and mental anguish etched on Jack's handsome features. He gestured towards the chair next to his bed.  
  
"Why don't you sit down Major?"  
  
Immediately he could have slapped himself. Major? What the hell kind of thing was that to say right now? He noticed her wince at the words and softly said, "Sam, please sit down."  
  
He tried to raise a smile but suddenly his body was wracked with pain again and he shuddered and groaned, reaching to press the morphine button. "Ow, shit!" He cursed. Sam leaned over, the concern showing in her big blue eyes.  
  
"Jack?" She reached her hand out towards him and he grabbed it, holding tight while the pain subsided. Taking deep breaths to steady himself, he said,  
  
"It's ok Sam. It's going. I'm alright."  
  
He still held her hand, determined not to be the first to let go. When she didn't withdraw either, his tension eased a little more; maybe it was just the morphine. Sam reached up and brushed his face with her hand, as she had done when he had still been unconscious.  
  
"I've been so worried, Jack. I'm so sorry. This is my fault. I was stupid; jealous You were with Sara for a long time. I. I. " She tailed off, her words hopelessly inadequate to express her feelings.  
  
"S'ok, Sam. It's not your fault. Don't think like that." He sounded groggy, the morphine affecting his speech, and making him sleepy. "Sam? 'Bout Sara. It's not what you thought. You know that, right? You're what's important; you and me." His words were slurred, barely intelligible, but Sam heard and squeezed his hand.  
  
"I know Jack. Everything's alright. We'll be alright. We don't need to talk about this now. Sleep Jack, you need some sleep. I'll go join the others."  
  
"Don't go Sam. Please stay." His voice was diminishing to less than a whisper.  
  
So she stayed, holding his hand, while he slept again. As she tried to re- arrange his bed covers, a little later, she found her photograph clasped in his hand. Her heartbeat quickened a notch and she smiled. It warmed, moved and excited her. He had been looking at it; holding it as a comfort, like her with his dog tags.  
  
She would never tell him she knew; Jack would be embarrassed that he'd been caught out at being so sensitive. She would probably never tell him about the dog tags either; he need never know what had happened to them. At one point she leaned over to kiss his forehead, whispering in his ear, "I love you Jack O'Neill." Jack, of course, didn't hear her.  
  
**********  
  
When Daniel and Teal'c returned, Sam hastily withdrew her hand from Jack's; she was still reluctant to show her true feelings in front of them, despite that, in reality, they already knew them. Sam almost instinctively returned to Major Carter mode when other people were around. It was important to maintain that fiction; she would need to do so when they got back to normality - if things ever did.  
  
Jack woke again, immediately pressing his pump, and it beeped very loudly once he had done so. It was out of 'gas'. The insistent beeping sent his friends into a panic, wondering what had gone wrong with Jack now. Jack's head felt it was about to explode with the noise of the depleted pump and he grimaced, despite the final dose of morphine working its way around his bloodstream.  
  
When the nurse arrived she was apologetic, explaining about the pump, calming down his friends. Apparently, they were currently out of re-fills for the pump and she was desperately trying to get some more. She turned it off at the control panel, which stopped the loud beeping and caused temporary relief of Jack's head, if nothing else. The dose in his body was insufficient to take away all of his pain. The nurse said she'd find a doctor who might be able to prescribe a temporary relief until the re-fills showed up.  
  
Jack's whole body started to feel as if it were on fire. His friends were shocked by his reaction to the obvious pain he was feeling; Jack was normally so good at pretending, covering up that kind of stuff. It was alarming that he was not doing so now and indicated the depths of pain he much be suffering. Sam's heart broke a little more to watch him.  
  
"Sam." Jack barely whispered, beckoning her to him. She was at his side immediately and he reached to take her hand, grasping it tightly so that she thought he might break it. Nothing of that showed on her face, just her heartfelt sympathy and understanding. Nor did she show her turmoil at his open display of need for her in front of their team mates.  
  
Screw the regs, screw everything, she thought as he squeezed forcefully. Right now it wasn't important; only Jack mattered, what he needed and wanted. She hated to see him in pain but that he was so willing to show their mutual affection to their friends warmed her. Her feelings about the whole thing were a contradiction she would live with for now.  
  
So she sat for a while comforting and soothing Jack; reaching to smooth his pained expression by softly caressing his face. Daniel and Teal'c stood by, slightly embarrassed, but inwardly pleased, that Jack could find some comfort in Sam's presence. Both wondered what impact all this would have on their friendship, the team, the SGC in the future; but none of that mattered for right now. Getting Jack well, fit again, that was what mattered. Both secretly hoped that this boded well for Jack and Sam' own futures; their want and desire for each other was so plainly evident, more than it had ever been.  
  
A little later the nurse returned, this time to administer pain meds via a needle in Jack's arm. His tight grip on Sam's hand started to ease and he smiled weakly at her. It only took moments for them both to pull themselves together and become Colonel Jack O'Neill and Major Sam Carter again.  
  
**********  
  
After that, Sam had found it hard, wanting to spend every minute in the hospital with him, never seeming to get any time alone. Admittedly, it got a little better, when, after a few days, he was transferred from ICU to the step down unit; then again, in some respects, after they moved him to the Air Force Academy hospital.  
  
However, SG-1 couldn't be kept out of the rotation forever. She was made temporary leader of the team; at least they all hoped it was temporary. Her visits were less frequent; sporadic. She would tell him about missions; the latest news at the SGC. They never talked about anything personal, unless it related to Jack's treatment. It frustrated her that she was unable to act as anything more than his second in command towards him; she was almost the perfect model of that after the open display of their feelings on that first day she had seen him.  
  
Sam hoped that no one, besides Daniel and Teal'c, noticed anything different in her feelings for Jack; a step change. She was certain that her feelings and concerns must be written very clearly in her face; that it was obvious they were so much more than they should be, given their ranks.  
  
Each time she visited she tried to touch him, surreptitiously. It was her way of showing that she was there for him and cared much more deeply than she was able to show right now. He knew. He would sneak private smiles at her as much as possible, squeeze her hand if he got the opportunity, so she could see that he knew. She still carried his dog tags, not quite able to bear to part with them, and touched them fondly when she missed him most.  
  
Once they were certain Jack had stabilised, they had taken him into surgery again to repair his leg. His near fatal internal injuries were healing faster than his leg would; as if his legs weren't bad enough with the state his knees were in. He needed a rod and pins to hold his leg together and had joked that the leg would be better than ever now he was part bionic man.  
  
The effects of the damage weren't permanent, but would be debilitating for a good while. He was going to need a long convalescence, a lot of physiotherapy. Jack was a stubborn son of a bitch, though, and would likely cut his recovery time in half just by sheer force of will.  
  
Some of the other after effects were a major concern to her. He seemed more withdrawn than normal. Maybe it was the pain meds, but she believed he was suffering from depression; maybe some form of post traumatic stress. It wasn't unusual with auto accident victims. Sometimes you could hardly get them near a car for ages afterwards. They would have depressive bouts, and then seem all right for a while.  
  
Jack had been through a lot worse, and had always appeared to be fine. Sam suspected that he hid, all too well, the full psychological impact of his past and he would try to do it with this too. She hoped that he wouldn't totally crack up one day under the strain of it all. Sam was fully aware that a lot of bad stuff had happened to him over the years, even if not privy to the details. It couldn't fail to affect him; the guy was only human.  
  
They kept reassuring him that he would be physically okay and, assuming his physiotherapy went well, there was no reason to think he couldn't return to active duty. Sam supposed that Jack didn't wholly believe it; that he was scared this meant the end of the SGC for him. The worry of all this, plus the pain meds, was having a negative effect on him. She could sense it, no matter how hard he tried to put on a brave face. If only she could talk to him about it all, if he would let her; but she never seemed to get the opportunity to raise any of it. She just wished that he could go home where they might have that chance.  
  
Sam was right about him; he was worried and depressed. Jack believed that if only he could go home he'd be fine. He was always fine. He'd managed to get over a lot worse than this. Doubts about his future ability to lead SG-1, however, plagued him. By all accounts, Sam was doing a great job; they didn't need him anymore. Perhaps he just ought to retire again and let her get on with it; leave before he was humiliatingly pushed out.  
  
He alluded to retirement a couple of times when Hammond came to see him. George would have none of it; wouldn't even listen. Jack thought, can no one hear me screaming? Sam might be able to, but they never got the chance to discuss it. He wasn't really sure he wanted to talk about it anyway. Besides, she was so concerned that she that she would give something away that would jeopardise their careers, that she behaved like the perfect 2IC, rather than his close friend. It bugged him, but he didn't say anything to her about it.  
  
The one moment of respite was when he discovered that he would not have to move, yet again, to a rehab hospital. They had the facilities right there at the Air Force Academy. The rehab hospital was a fair distance away and would have entailed even less frequent visits from his friends. It was bad enough already, and he was bored rigid. The inactivity was driving him nuts.  
  
He kicked up a stink about being kept in the hospital, it had been long weeks of almost sheer boredom. There were only so many books one can read, TV one can watch, games of chess and cards one can play. The only interesting break in his day was the physiotherapy; unless he had visitors, or George sent him SGC reports to look through. It really came to something when he found reports a riveting read.  
  
He wanted to go home. He may still be bored there but, at least it would be home. He would be alright; he was a big boy now and could look after himself. Truth was, he couldn't walk very well without assistance, couldn't stand for too long. He would need help and support for a lot of activities that one usually took for granted. He'd be walking with a cane for a good while, too, once he got out. Maybe it would make him look distinguished. He could hope. He secretly suspected that it would just make him look old and that added to his gloom.  
  
Although they tried to persuade him that he should convalesce somewhere with professional care, he was adamant about going home. He whinged, groaned and griped about it, insisting he could manage, until they agreed a compromise. He knew his whining would come in handy one day.  
  
He would be discharged only on the basis that someone stay in the house with him for a while; at first a professional nurse then, maybe, a friend, depending on his progress. He'd have to be taken to rehab for a few hours virtually every day; they might be able to send someone to the house once he had got through the worst of it. He had no hope of going back to work for quite a while. That did nothing to brighten his day but the idea of going home did. Home is where the heart is, there's just no place like it. If only he had a pair of red shoes whose heels he could click together, and just be there. Where the hell was that yellow brick road when you needed it most?  
  
Sam noticed that he perked up considerably as a result of this news. She managed to wangle that an old nurse friend of hers, Betsy Monroe, should live in at Jack's for as long as needed. Betsy was between jobs and it was a perfect fill-in until she got married and moved over to California to get a new job and be with her husband. She even persuaded Jack that this was a good idea, despite his initial reluctance. He loathed the fact that he needed someone around like that but was pragmatic enough to know that he wasn't going anywhere unless he agreed.  
  
Of course, Sam had a secret agenda. Betsy was an old friend; she could probably cajole her into letting her and Jack have some time just for them. She liked to believe that this was what brought Jack around to the whole thing; had seen the expression on his face when the penny dropped that Betsy's presence might allow him more freedom.  
  
Sam also arranged to re-organise the furniture in Jack's house to ensure maximum mobility; fewer obstacles, less need to move around quite as much. Jack was less than happy with the interference, even from Sam, but knew he had to be practical and didn't want to hurt her feelings.  
  
It was sweet that she was trying so hard. She couldn't know what he dreaded. He didn't tell her and, probably, never would. The accident had returned the nightmares to Jack with a vengeance. He didn't want anyone to know that; to question his sanity or probe his past for the cause. It was bad enough that the nurses at the hospital knew; they interpreted it as post traumatic stress from the auto-accident and treated it that way. He could live with that; bullshit his way around it. Jack could bullshit with the best of them.  
  
He was concerned that Betsy was a friend of Sam's; that Sam might somehow find out because of that. He still lived with the fear that Sam would hate his darker nature and that the nightmares would lead her to discover it. He was slightly reassured when he met Betsy. Sam brought her to the hospital so that he could decide if they would get along sufficiently for it to work. She had left them alone for a long chat.  
  
Jack had worked the O'Neill magic on Betsy, captivating her; he could be charming if required. Through this, he tactfully discovered that Betsy was hot on the privacy of her patients. She didn't tittle tattle; would only talk to the doctor whose care he was under. That was a relief. Jack decided that he liked Betsy. The guy who was going to marry her was probably very lucky.  
  
Sam just wanted her Jack back; everything back to normal. Not that there was anything in the least bit normal about the two of them and their relationship. It was time to change that a little; if Jack was willing, when he was better.  
  
Frankly, at the moment she was none too sure about their relationship. Jack's mood swings served to confuse her. As merely his 2IC it might have been different; but she was so much more than that, and her level of sensitivity to his disposition had enhanced considerably. She so needed to see him alone, to be with him, just the two of them. She had missed that a lot, missed him.  
  
***********  
  
So, Sam managed to get Jack alone for a couple of hours or more every so often; she saw him more often than that, but with other company - Daniel, Hammond, Teal'c, Lou Ferretti, amongst others. She was kept busy by work.  
  
When the rest of the world was shut out for a while, they hugged, chattered inanely, sat in companionable silence, sometimes holding hands. They were happy to be together again, at last. They might watch hockey, play chess on the patio on a beautiful day, or listen to music.  
  
Jack refused to be drawn into any conversations about his feelings and Sam decided she shouldn't push it yet. He was guarded and steadfastly refused to let that guard down, deftly managing to find some way of circumventing her. She might have to tackle it head on sometime but. later. She could sense there was something wrong; something brewing inside of him. For now she'd try to content herself with what he was willing to give.  
  
A few weeks had passed like this and Jack was improving daily. Then Betsy called Sam one morning to say that her fiancée had an emergency and needed her to go to California for a few days. There were still things that Jack found difficult to manage on his own, but Betsy didn't believe he needed a professional nurse all the time anymore. She thought that Sam or one of Jack's friends might be able to keep an eye on him.  
  
After some thought, Sam decided that maybe she could look after Jack. It would give her more chance to find out what was wrong, and what she could do to help him. She wondered what Jack would think and considered asking Daniel if he could do it. Jack might prefer that; may not want her intrusion. Then she thought, screw it, and arranged a few days leave; it happened to be good timing SGC wise. By the time Jack found out about it there was something of a fait accompli about the whole thing.  
  
Crap! Under other circumstances Jack would have been thrilled to have Sam there with him. God, he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, didn't he? The chance to spend a few days with her should feel heaven sent. However, as he still hadn't got the nightmares under control, and was feeling pretty down and vulnerable, he was uncertain about her staying there. He didn't want to expose himself to her, drive her away. Maybe now was the time he found out whether she thought she could spend the rest of her life with him. He wasn't sure he was ready. What would he do if she discovered that she couldn't?  
  
Before she left, Betsy did a hand over to Sam, warning her to be prepared for anything. Her deference to Jack's own desire for privacy stopped her saying more. Sam didn't probe too hard; she'd find out soon enough. She felt ready for Jack, warts and all; whatever it was, whatever he needed, she'd be there. Sam needed this; needed to prove something to him, and to herself.  
  
Then they were alone. Despite his misgivings, Sam's presence there warmed Jack. It was nice. He went to rehab for a few hours in the morning, picked up from the door. Sam took that opportunity to clean the place a little bit, then have a long soak in a hot bubble bath.  
  
When he came back they didn't do anything special, just relished each other's company. Daniel popped over for a while in the early evening but didn't stay long. He begged another engagement but actually thought that leaving Jack and Sam alone might be good for both of them. Sam had been a little frazzled of late and he was beginning to worry that Jack might have burned out at last. Maybe they could do something for each other.  
  
Sam slept in the spare room, leaving their doors open so that she could hear him if he called, if he needed her. Well past midnight, she was wakened by his screaming. She rushed to his bedroom then stood hesitantly in the doorway, assessing him, his situation, nervous of intruding on something so private.  
  
He had woken up and was sitting up in bed with his head in his hands, shoulders shaking as he sobbed with whatever nightmare had invaded his sleep. My God, Jack crying? She was stunned and her heart went out to him for whatever it was that had caused this.  
  
"Jack?" She whispered softly.  
  
"Go away Sam. Please. Get outta here!" He pleaded with her.  
  
Jack didn't want her to see him like this, wanted no one to. Sam knew that. He didn't want to be seen to lose control. If she was truthful, it probably embarrassed her almost as much as it did him. She, too, was someone who hid behind shutters a lot of the time. Jack was a master of it. She knew he wished that she wasn't in the house when this happened. Nevertheless, she didn't want to leave him alone.  
  
"I can't Jack. You can't ask that of me."  
  
"Sam.please! Goddammit!" He cried through his sobs. Jack was trying to get himself back under control, but failing miserably. He wanted her to go; he wanted her to stay; he didn't know what he wanted.  
  
Sam followed her instinct and ignored his pleas, moving over to the bed and reaching out her hand to touch him gently. To her surprise, instead of pushing her away, he took the hand in his and squeezed. She bit her lip and winced, he held it so tightly; even tighter than that day in the hospital, if that were possible. So she got on the bed and held him close, comforting him as the sobs wracked his body. It was a Jack O'Neill that she had never seen and had never thought to see. His crying, the vulnerability, both appalled and intrigued her in equal measure.  
  
After a long time, Jack quieted but stayed clinging to her desperately. She told him that she was there for him, would always be there for him, rocking him soothingly, his head resting on her chest. The T-shirt she wore for bed was damp with his tears. He needed her. Failing him was not an option. It felt good that he needed her there at that moment. It told her so much.  
  
Eventually she thought him asleep. She wasn't sure she should stay there and tried to extricate herself from him. But he held on to her.  
  
"Please don't go Sam." He said, "Stay with me." So vulnerable, so exposed.  
  
Knowing that he would normally pretend this side of him didn't exist, she marvelled that he was showing it to her, albeit that it had been reluctantly. Generally he kept himself locked up tight, protecting himself, not wanting to display any weakness. Now, he was letting her share a part of something dark from his past, something dreadful that haunted him. He trusted her that much? It was a revelation and she was humbled by it. He'd probably be self-conscious about it in the morning, she knew that. Right now? He was hers, really hers. Even if only for this moment in time. It was all that mattered. Let tomorrow bring whatever it would.  
  
She didn't care that she knew nothing of what had troubled and shaken him so badly. If he wanted to, he would tell her. When he was ready, if he was ever ready. She doubted that he ever would be, but it was more than enough that he was sharing this much. She curled up close to him and, for the second time, they woke in each others arms.  
  
*****  
  
The next morning, neither of them mentioned the events of the previous night. Sam didn't want Jack to think she was pushing it, being too intrusive. As she had predicted, Jack was embarrassed by his open display of such raw emotion. He looked worn-down. With her help, he managed to get to the kitchen for breakfast. As she made the coffee he watched her move around the room, contemplating the turbulent turn of events. He didn't know how to feel about it, react to it, or to her.  
  
Very few people had ever seen him like that. Sure, he'd woken up from nightmares plenty of times on missions, in the infirmary. Somehow he had always managed to keep these worst times, these awful soul bearing times, to himself. In the privacy of his own home, when no one was there, he could handle it, calm himself, bury it, internalise it, and convince himself that he was alright.  
  
He couldn't recall the last time this had happened, crying in front of someone else like that. Not even when Charlie had died; especially not when Charlie had died. He had been in such a black place then; he'd had to bottle it up, hide it, control it, otherwise he would have been lost forever. He'd so nearly lost it anyway. If it hadn't been for the mission to Abydos, Daniel, Skaara, he felt he might have finally slipped over that precipice. He had been surprised to find that life could go on, after all. And what a life he had led since then. A whole new one was just waiting for him.  
  
He had to admit that it had felt good to be comforted, held closely, caressed, and reassured. However, he hated her seeing him like that; vulnerable, wretched, defenceless. For starters he was her CO; with a stark clarity he understood more than ever why the regulations made sense. How could she maintain her respect for him as the leader of her team when she had seen him so exposed, so helpless? She must think him a weak, pathetic old man. A man like him couldn't afford to show such frailty, such imperfection. Then there was them, their very private relationship. He couldn't bear to contemplate the impact this might have on them, on her.  
  
Swallowing hard, he spoke. "Aren't you going to say anything? Sam.I. Say something, for crying out loud!" A plea; he knew his voice was harsh and cracked, he sounded pitiable. Oh God he didn't want her pity, anything but that, please. A silent prayer. "You must think."  
  
At his first words, she had stopped what she was doing. Now she turned to look at him, wondering what he was thinking about as he began to speak. His face was pinched and pale; he looked so pained, so powerless. Deliberately choosing a slightly belligerent tone, knowing he could not bear her pity, she responded.  
  
"What is it Jack? Worried you've spoiled that O'Neill "way of the warrior" image? Afraid I'll think you weak? That I'll lose my respect for you because you're just a man after all? Only a human being with human flaws and emotions? Scared I'll run and hide at the first hint of trouble?" From the expression on his face she knew she had expressed almost exactly what he was thinking. He was both relieved and terrified that she saw through him so easily.  
  
"You think I pity you? You are so totally wrong, Jack. Sure I'm sorry..saddened by it. Because I hate that your life, the things that have happened in it, have caused you such. pain. Hate that you should have feelings like that inside of you. You deserve better than that.earned the right to more than that. But if you think I haven't guessed. something.that there is some.. darkness inside you.then.then you don't know me very well. Give me some credit." The words stopped flowing and she looked at him mutely, a little hurt that he thought she could react in the way he anticipated.  
  
"I didn't mean. Its just." When he couldn't continue, choked back his words, she went over to him, crouching down in front of him and taking his hands in hers.  
  
"I know Jack. We'll deal with it." Tears threatened to engulf her and she raised her head up to him, cupping his face in her hands and kissing him on the mouth for the first time since all this had started between them. Not a passionate kiss, just a brief and transient thing, but she needed to demonstrate that she loved him, including his imperfections; she couldn't say the words, not out loud, not yet.  
  
When she drew back, and had taken his hands in hers again, he found some courage, although he stumbled over his words. "Some of the things I think and feel, some of the things I've done. They can be pretty scary, Sam. It can be a bleak and depressing place in here" Removing a hand from hers, he gestured to his heart, to his head. "You don't deserve any of that crap. You're worth more than that, more than I can give you."  
  
"You aren't getting rid of me that easily, flyboy." Trying to ease the tension, she smiled up at him. She had started calling him flyboy sometimes, as a pet name. He liked it. It was something uniquely Jack and Sam, rather than the Colonel and his Major. "I'd still follow you through the gates of hell if you asked me to. And not blindly either, Jack. Don't ever think that."  
  
He laughed at that, ruffling her hair, and quipped. "Haven't we been there and done that already? I've got the T-shirt somewhere." It brought another smile to her face and it warmed his battered heart. She kissed his remaining hand, letting go of her grip to take him in her arms, kissing his hair, his face, and his neck. As if he were embarrassed by it, needed to stop it before it went too far, he said, "Hey, where's that coffee, woman?" And, laughing softly at his joking tone, she let go of him to continue making it, breaking the moment. He was pulling himself together.  
  
Initially, things that day seemed to carry on in a normal fashion. Sam determined that she was never going to mention last night again. She knew Jack didn't like to talk about himself in that way. She would not embarrass him further by saying anything else about it. But later he started to tell her. Tell her about some of his nightmares and fears.  
  
He started with Charlie, and inextricably linked, Sara. He hoped she didn't mind him talking about the other single most important woman in his life - outside of his mother, of course. The subject matter scared him a little, given events prior to the accident, but Sam was willing to listen and he needed to talk. He hoped it would help her to realise that his reaction to Sara's news in no way affected his feelings for Sam.  
  
For her part, Sam wanted to share whatever Jack was willing to share. She needed to demonstrate her unwavering support and love for him. He needed her to show it, she realised.  
  
So he told her about his hopes, his dreams, and his feelings. How it had all shattered and fallen apart in the most horrible way that one could ever imagine. The blackness thereafter. How he had struggled with life and so nearly lost the fight.  
  
He told her a little about Iraq; his imprisonment and fight for life. Some of the things he had done to keep alive were nasty, and despicable. He kept expecting Sam to walk out on him part way though telling her about it. She merely listened, sometimes looking horrified that he should have done such things; that he had been forced to do them. She didn't seem to judge his actions; only offer her continued support.  
  
Thoughts of getting home to Sara had kept him from going totally insane during that awful time. He thought he had gone a little crazy for a while. When he had got home to her it had been difficult; his recovery and adjustment. It had been very hard on Sara but she had stood by him, despite his depression, his rages, and his wild mood swings. It had meant everything to him that she had been there.  
  
He talked for a long time, for Jack O'Neill at least. It was hard for him. He was nervous, shy, faltering over his words. She had never heard him say so much at once. She thought he would never stop, almost hoped he never would. He was more frank and open than she had ever believed would be possible, more eloquent then she had ever imagined, despite his stumbling words.  
  
While he talked he held her, caressed her softly, her face, her hair, her back. His voice was strained, rough, slightly choked. He was trying so hard to speak without falling to pieces again in front of her.  
  
A few times, she could see that he was struggling more than ever to find the words to say something to her. She tried to tell him that he didn't need to, that he'd done enough. That she had never expected this much from him, didn't need so much of him. And he would shrug helplessly admitting there were many things he couldn't bring himself to speak of, and probably never would speak of, to anyone.ever. Pain, terror, despair, death - what had been done to him; what he had done to others. Things he would never forgive himself for and couldn't even hope that others would forgive. He couldn't bring himself to believe that she would even understand, never mind forgive.  
  
What he feared revealing most of all was how he could feel about killing people; the thrill it could give him, the excitement and pleasure he could derive from it. That he could be so relentless, heartless, cold and calculating. There was blood on his hands, and it wasn't always acquired legally. However, he was proud he excelled at it, at least he was good at something, though he could never bear to tell her and see his own self- revulsion reflected in her eyes. Some things would stay buried deep; thus, his nightmares would return. He knew that with a certainty.  
  
Sometimes he looked at her, wondering what she felt about his revelations, and he would see she accepted. It was what made him what he was, the leader he was, the man he was. She would never want to change him. He marvelled at that and it pleased him deeply. She wanted what he was, or at least that part of him he was willing to reveal, not something that he could never be, a fantasy.  
  
When he drew to a close he was exhausted, it had taken all his energy, all his will to get through it. He couldn't quite believe that he'd done it. What was normally so unnatural to him had seemed the right thing to do. He'd got through it, without cracking a joke, without a single inappropriate remark, without his usual camouflage. And he felt better for it. Better that she had seen some of this side of him, better that some things were out in the open between them. If she could love him now, after this. It was more than he could have wished for or imagined.  
  
Somehow she knew he wanted to do this before they took a final leap in their relationship. He needed reassurance that she could handle it, that his dark thoughts wouldn't drive her away from him. Equally, she understood that there was so much left unspoken, so much still inside him to haunt his nightmares.  
  
She knew that he was dangerous; had always known that. That was one of the exhilarating things about Jack O'Neill; one of the many attractions. What he told her had just confirmed her thoughts. It had sickened her that he had been forced to stoop to such lengths, and that he might be again. Undoubtedly there was more; worse. It was part of Jack, what made him the man he was; the menace lurking inside of him. She had once told Daniel that she had a thing about men from the lunatic fringe. You'd got that right with Jack. But he was nothing like Jonas Hanson. Nothing at all.  
  
Sam understood that some things would always remain hidden, had to remain hidden. No one could reveal everything about themselves. We all have secrets. What he spoke of might not even be the spectre that had engulfed him the night before. But what he told her was enough, so much more than enough. It was overwhelming, liberating. For him, for both of them.  
  
She just held him, whispered "I'm so sorry Jack" softly into his ear. She didn't have to say anything else, it wasn't required of her. Inside she felt honoured that he could be like this, that he trusted her that much. She was moved to the very core of her being and felt her love for him transform into something deeper. She hadn't thought that was even possible, she loved him such a great deal already.  
  
After a while, she tried to explain her own feelings, what had made her react so badly when she had misunderstood his feelings for Sara that night. Her jealousy, her fears about his feelings for Sara. He held her and told her that he understood, kissing her softly falling tears away as she spoke.  
  
"I nearly lost you Jack. I came so close to throwing it all away, and I nearly lost you." She managed to say between her quiet sobs.  
  
He just held her close, willingly providing the support she needed, like she had with him, and whispered,  
  
"I'm here, Sam. I'm here."  
  
Jack felt that some of the lesions on his soul might have healed a little. With Sam's support maybe he had a fighting chance against some of his demons. She hadn't run or hidden from him; she had accepted and comforted. That, alone, relieved some of his burden.  
  
Her confession had confirmed his own thoughts of how she felt and healed him just a little more. Although she didn't say it, he started to believe that she really might love him; that they were committed to each other now. No turning back; this was forever.  
  
He pondered his luck, having found Sam. Something so wonderful, so unmerited. Something that was his, to cherish, to keep with him forever. Lucky guy. Lucky, lucky guy.  
  
**********  
  
That night he asked her to stay with him again. Initially, they still took their contact no further than before. He just slept soundly in her arms with no nightmares and no restless stirrings. He felt more content than he had for a very long while. However, he knew that the nightmares stilled lurked deep inside, biding their time to come out to haunt him again in his future.  
  
She woke at some point during the night and he wasn't there. She found him in the garden staring up at the stars. That he had got there without her help made her sigh inwardly. He shouldn't have done it yet; typically stubborn Jack. She was about to berate him when he turned, caught hold of her and pulled her towards him, kissing her with a passion that he had once thought he could never feel again. She gasped at the feelings it stirred in her, trembling in his arms, responding to him with a fervour.  
  
With her help, they went back into the house, to his bedroom. As they stood there, neither of them spoke. Neither of them wanted to disappoint the other after so much waiting. They took from each other the few clothes that they wore, stripping themselves bear. Naked bodies and emotions. Naked passion and desire. They made love for the first time, initially nervous and tentative, then urgent and frantic.  
  
It turned into a totally selfish act for each of them. It was rough, raw, awkward, and over far too quickly. It had been a long time for them both. Although they found release, the act of it was far from perfect. In the end, it didn't necessarily surprise them that it should be so. Both were so longing for the other, so desperately seeking gratification and solace. However, they had plenty of time to make up for it.  
  
Later, they explored each other greedily, finding the true depths of their feeling, of their passion. It was an amazing experience for both of them, nothing like either had experienced previously. New heights of arousal, of release. Loving; tender; selfless. Fervent; heated; shattering. All shyness and nerves having been dissipated by that first time, they were more uninhibited. Able to wholly express themselves, able to be adventurous and innovative. They had time to get to know each other's bodies, what stirred them most, pleasured them, what brought them to ecstasy, allowed them to hold back, what teased them, brought them over the edge.  
  
He had hardly expected it to be like this. Sam was so wound up like a ball of string sometimes that, when he could bring himself to imagine it at all, he had thought that this would translate itself into the bedroom. He had fondly thought that he might be her teacher, coaxing her to open herself to him. He couldn't have been more wrong. She was wanton, imaginative, loving, aggressive, gentle. She was everything: so different; so wonderful; so much more than any fantasy he could ever have had.  
  
She was equally surprised. She had always thought him a sensual kind of guy, found him sexy, thought he would be good in bed. This was so much more than anything she could have anticipated. She had imagined him as aggressive, rough, a little selfish, not giving much of himself. But he was so affectionate, tender, giving; so wanting to please her; so wanting to fulfil her needs, wishes and desires over his. Sam wondered how good this could get, once Jack was totally fit.  
  
**********  
  
The few days they had left together passed like this. They were making up for lost time. She was pretty sure the Doc would be pissed with her if it was known how she had exhausted him so thoroughly, and then enticed him into more. He was supposed to be convalescing, for crying out loud. She giggled inwardly at her use of his expression, pondering how she had picked up some of his bad habits over the years.  
  
Sure, their days were punctuated by visits and Jack's PT, but for the most part they were alone. Jack was making a lot of progress, very quickly. She knew that that he was nearly recovered. It would be a while before he was fit for active duty but he wouldn't need help anymore; wouldn't need her help. It was close to that time when they would continue with their normal lives; even before that, she would have to leave him. She felt a deep sense of loss although it had not yet happened. She wanted to stay here forever. Sadly, that wasn't an option right now.  
  
Jack also dreaded her going. They spoke nothing of it, avoided talking about it. The idea of being alone again appalled him, but they had to get some kind of normalcy back into their lives; before he went back to work, back to being her CO. He didn't know how he was going to deal with that, but he would. He always did. He hoped that she could too.  
  
On their final night together they didn't say much. They didn't make love, just lay in each other's arms relishing the contact. A bond had developed between them. An unbreakable bond that would keep them in thrall to each other forever.  
  
Once she'd left, he felt bereft and knew she would be feeling it too. They separately mourned their loss of each other, the loss of their ability to spend that sort of time together. It was a beginning rather than an end, but it still felt like an end. As they sat in their own houses they felt lonelier, emptier, than ever before. 


	8. Understandings and Misunderstanding Seri...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstanding Series Part 8: Dynamic Tension  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: su_freund@ficwithfins.com  
  
Website: Series  
  
Category: Angst / Romance  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: The First Commandment, In the Line of Duty, Secrets, Tok'ra Part 2, Into the Fire, Seth, Entity, Abyss, Metamorphosis.  
  
Season: Future  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 7: The Power of Healing  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Content Warnings: Minor use of bad language and non-graphic references to sexual situations  
  
Summary: How will Jacob react when he finds out about Jack & Sam's relationship?  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate Sg-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund  
  
File Size: 69 KB  
  
Archive: SJD, yes. Jackfic, yes. Gateworld, yes. FanFiction Net, yes. Others please ask.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to Bonnie for her brilliant suggestions and incisive comments. Constructive Feedback Appreciated  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 8: Dynamic Tension  
  
Prologue:  
  
Since they had first made love when Sam stayed at Jack's, they had been pretty tight. They had both missed that special intimacy born from living in the same house day to day, although they never said that to each other. Their relationship was risky, they had to be careful. It was a little like having an affair outside of a marriage; sneaking around unable to do much in public, and not able to stay the night with each other whenever they wanted to.  
  
Of course, after they reached their original agreement all those many months ago, before Jack's auto accident, they had been seeing each other a lot, but as close friends. Because they were now intimate, they felt less able to be as open as they had at that time, and they had hardly been that open then. It was frustrating to them, but necessary.  
  
Occasionally they would go out, not normally in Colorado Springs as it was too close to home. They would slink around Denver, have dinner, maybe go to the opera, or even the movies. They would hit the trail and run off for the odd weekend. They enjoyed rafting at the Colorado River headwaters near Granby, and went over that way to the Hot Water Springs and the Grand Lake. There was some stunning scenery around that area. They went to Mount Evans and Echo Lake, even the Trail of the Ancients, which was much further to go. They thought it amusing to visit somewhere relating to ancients, even if they were not the same ones that they came across in their work; although Jack had quipped about bringing Daniel, who would almost be bound to find a link. A totally different type of beautiful landscape awaited them there.  
  
Jack and Sam both loved that they had someone to share such activities with. They were both willing to be adventurous and it suited them fine. Mostly, though, they stayed at home, ate an intimate dinner together, maybe watched TV, rented a movie, played chess. or listened to music.  
  
It never ceased to amaze him that they could spend so much time together but she didn't seem to tire of him. He loved that they could sit in companionable silences, not feeling the need to force words to fill them. Most everything seemed so right with her, including the sex, which had just got better and better with practice. They practised a lot. They must have made love almost everywhere in his house at least twice over by now  
  
Perhaps they would stay overnight together, perhaps not. They didn't always have sex, it wasn't the beginning or end of their relationship, but sometimes most of their time with each other was totally taken up with it. Often, they would have a quickie, then settle down to watch TV. At times they would sit apart, hardly touching, remote and distant.  
  
It was far from a perfect existence, however it might sound. The having to sneak around business irked them. They could not do what they wanted, when they wanted. They lived with fear that people would find out about them; that their careers, and SG-1, would be screwed forever.  
  
They could fight like cat and dog, often volatile over petty things. Neither of them was used to compromising in a relationship; both totally out of practice. Even Jack, having lived with the same woman for 10 years, was used to being on his own and wholly independent. They tried avoiding fights about work, but that was impossible too. If they disagreed about something, the fact that Sam had to obey the Colonel did not stop her giving Jack a mouthful when they saw each other outside of the SGC.  
  
So, it could be pretty on the edge sometimes, what relationship isn't? Making up always felt good, though. They loved that part. So far, they had managed to do that fairly quickly and live with it. They both dreaded the first argument that continued on; where they might start bearing grudges. They knew that had to happen; it always did.  
  
Those days spent together during Jack's recovery had changed things forever. It wasn't just the sex, although they both enjoyed every minute of that side of the relationship, but they were so emotionally enmeshed that it could be difficult to extricate themselves from it. Jack had bared his soul to Sam in a way he had never done before with anyone. This bound them together as effectively as inseparable Siamese twins.  
  
Jack was never again as open with her as he had been then. Getting him to talk about personal things was an uphill struggle that Sam often found frustrating. Sam was not exactly an open book herself, but she did remind Jack that he should try to avoid the mistakes of his past and talk to her a little. He knew all too well where he had gone wrong with Sara but was not a naturally talkative guy.  
  
Nevertheless, over the months, they had very infrequent confessional conversations. They would sit in a huddle together, as physically close as they could get. Jack would appear to open himself to her, although he never truly spoke of what was in his heart, or of what was hidden in those murky depths of his soul. Sam was not fooled by his apparent openness. Despite her desire and longing for it, knowing Jack as she did, she realised that she was living in dream land if she ever thought he would tell her his darkest secrets. That wouldn't be Jack. Besides, she could be pretty close mouthed herself, so was hardly in a position to pass judgement on him for it.  
  
Jack played it safe by talking about thoughts and feelings he'd had concerning a couple of the horrific things that had happened over the years they had known each other, and Sam would join in with her own thoughts. So, she tried to reciprocate his efforts a little, as hard as it was for her, as well. She could be just as bad at this stuff as he was, but he deserved to receive as well as to give. He had more than earned that right.  
  
She was familiar with his feelings. Many times she had seen him hurt, dying, missing, stranded or otherwise in harm's way; seemingly hopeless situations and circumstances. So frequently she had suffered at the thought of his loss and that she would never see or hear him again: his smile, laughter, wit, confidant swagger, honor, integrity, bravery, foolhardiness; obstinacy - the very essence of him.  
  
So their conversations might go thus. He might start by talking about his devastation that his duty made him kill her when she was possessed by the alien entity; his almost total despair when Janet prompted him about her living will - no extraordinary means. Sam might hold him close and coo comfortingly, caressing him softly as she did so, maybe nuzzling his neck and squeezing him gently. Sam might speak of how frightening it was to be trapped and for no one to hear you, or even know you are there. Jack might return her comfort, his gentle touch soothing all thoughts of the horror away.  
  
Jack talked about his fear when he thought she would die horribly at the hands of Nirrti; that he would see her disappear, dissolving into a puddle of water before his very eyes. Sam too, had been afraid, needing the comfort of his presence, his shoulder to lean on, the only hope she could hang onto.  
  
They discussed the time she had been taken as a host by Jolinar. Jack had been horrified, thinking there was no way out, nothing he could do; hating his helplessness. Sam tried to tell him how it had felt, with great difficulty, and how, even now, although she could see the advantages that a true blending might bring, she hated the loss of control. She wondered how her father could stand it sometimes. Her fears for her father's cancer, and death, had prompted her actions, but she had concerns for him as a Tok'ra; both the dangerous work that he often did, and that he was blended with a symbiote. She worried about the role she had played in bringing it about. Sometimes the whole thing scared the hell out of her. To Jack, of course, the very idea of a snake made his blood run cold; he saw no advantages whatsoever to having a symbiote, quite the reverse.  
  
This reminded her of her culpability in his own ill-fated blending, and subsequent capture by Ba'al. It was she who had persuaded him to be blended with Kanan; how could she not do so? She would certainly have lost him forever if she hadn't, and she had been unable to face that. Jack did not confess anything to her about what had happened to him there. She knew what she had read in his report, but he had ensured it was as anodyne as he could get away with. He did not want to speak of it; it still pained him too much to think about his despair, and the agony he had gone through. He got her off this subject as quickly as he could.  
  
It reminded her, too, of her own horror that he had been forced to become a host, by Hathor, thinking she had lost him forever; that she would die at his hand knowing the Jack inside would have to live with that. It was another subject that Jack refused to get drawn into; his total terror, despite that he hid it carefully behind the O'Neill façade.  
  
She spoke of her mother's death and the way that her father's relationship with both of his children had fallen apart as a result; her joy at their reconciliation.  
  
Although he was curious, she never spoke about her relationship with Jonas Hanson. Jack had prodded gently, but without any luck. He wondered sometimes what it was that she was afraid to speak of, but refused to push it. He had all the time in the world, and he was willing to give her as much of it as possible. Sam was as entitled to her secrets as he was, and he still had many.  
  
He rarely even mentioned his work in special ops, the little snippets he allowed to pass his lips revealed very little. Similarly, his background and family. He was cagey about these subjects. She never tried to push him beyond where he was willing to take her. If she probed gently and found any reluctance on his part, she dropped it. Maybe one day he'd be able to tell her more. She could wait.  
  
The other thing that they never spoke of in all this time was their love for one and other. Neither of them ever spoke the words.  
  
At work it was difficult. To date, they had managed to keep the two things separate. They adhered to the strict rules laid down between them once he had been cleared fit to return to the SGC. It was light duties at first, which helped them ease into it before they had to go on missions together.  
  
Daniel and Teal'c both knew about their relationship, of course; given prior events it was hard of them not to. Daniel would cover for them sometimes. Teal'c, on the other hand, although happy for his friends, was fundamentally uncomfortable with the situation. It went against his honor, just as it did both Jack and Sam's. He told Jack that he would not be duplicitous and lie to GeneralHammond, and both Jack and Sam respected that, never asking anything of him that might compromise his integrity. Except, he promised he would say nothing to anyone about their relationship; that part, Teal'c found easy.  
  
They didn't think anyone else suspected, or no more than the usual base gossip and speculation. The team seemed to be functioning pretty much as normal.  
  
*********************  
  
6 months later:  
  
Something was different. He couldn't quite put his finger on it but. something. The atmosphere? The dynamics? He'd figure it out eventually. Jacob tried to concentrate on fixing the engine. Sam was at his side helping, with Jack watching, fiddling with something in his hands in typical O'Neill fashion.  
  
The mission had gone fine; they'd kicked Goa'uld ass. Except now they had to rely on this rust bucket to get them home, or at least to a planet with a Stargate. It was a heap of junk. Jacob sighed. Getting no younger, not unlike me and Selmak, he thought. Although, in truth, he hadn't felt so young for years.  
  
Jack contemplated what to do about Jacob. Should they tell him? 'Hey Jake, old buddy, old pal. I'm in love with your daughter. I know its in breach of the regs, and puts her career at risk, but we can't stop ourselves from copulating like rabbits.'  
  
He smiled inwardly at that thought. Got that right! Get a grip Jack. You can't afford to be thinking about that stuff while you're on a mission. It could get embarrassing. He wondered if, perhaps, he should start taking bromide with his fruit loops or something.  
  
Besides, he and Sam had discussed this strictly business while on duty thing. It was difficult. In the past they had always managed to push it out of the way. Then again, that was before; things were different now. Most of the time he could do it. In some respects it wasn't that different to before. He'd always had these lapses even when she was just a fantasy to him. It's just that, back then, they hadn't been seeing each other on a regular basis outside of work, or sleeping with each other either.  
  
No doubt about it, life was good right now. This whole thing with Sam had changed his existence fundamentally. He was happier than he had been for such a long time. Except for the guilt about the Regs thing, that he was acting without honor. He tried hard to suppress that, but it nagged at him.  
  
He tried to bring his mind back to the subject at hand. Don't think about Sam. Don't think about Sam. A mantra. All but impossible when she was standing there right in front of him. And looking good too; looking great in fact. But she always looked great to him. Even when she had arrived on his doorstep eyes all red and puffy from crying; probably more so then than ever, because it had returned hope to him. He was eternally grateful to her for swallowing her pride like that. He knew that it must have been hard for her, as it had been for him.  
  
Crap! What was wrong with him today? He couldn't stop thinking about it, couldn't seem to let it alone. Sure he was bored. He could do nothing to help fix the ship, hated it when he was useless. Where was he.? Oh yeah, Jacob. He sighed heavily making the Carters turn as one and glare at him.  
  
"Can you do your heavy sighing elsewhere, Jack?" Jacob said sarcastically. "Sam and I are trying to concentrate here."  
  
Maybe he should join Daniel and Teal'c up front instead, Jack thought, but didn't move. Goddammit. Jacob!  
  
He didn't think Jacob would be thrilled at the idea of him and Sam together, even if it weren't in breach of the Regs. Why would he? Who would want Jack O'Neill as a potential son-in-law? That's how he saw himself now. He knew with eye-opening clarity that he wanted to marry Sam one day, if she'd have him. He really wanted that. She didn't know. He'd never asked her, never mentioned such a commitment; couldn't even contemplate broaching it right now. He wanted to, but he wasn't free to do it. Marry her he would, though, if he had anything to say about it. She'd have to be a crazy woman, but she already had to be that to have gone this far with him.  
  
The bottom line was, he could end up with a snake head as his father-in- law. He cringed inwardly at how Sam would react if he called Jacob a snake head to her face. Any Tok'ra but Jacob could be hard on his stomach. He liked Jacob, respected the hell out of him; he was about the only damned Tok'ra that was worth a dime. That he was a General in the USAF might have helped a bit. But it also made a bad situation worse; the should we or shouldn't we tell him situation?  
  
The idea of telling Jacob filled him with a sick dread. He'd probably bawl him out good and proper; curse him for seducing his daughter; say he should know better; tell him he wasn't good enough for his little girl. He'd be right. Jack knew that. No matter how happy it made him, he knew that what they were doing was wrong, and dishonorable. He hated that he felt that; that such a wonderful thing in his life should be sullied because of it.  
  
An image of Jacob punching him on the nose, blood pouring everywhere, sprang to his mind. If he hit back, Sam would probably never forgive him so he would have to steel himself, keep himself under control. He wasn't a turn the other cheek kind of a guy, but he could probably do it for her. He hoped he could do it for her.  
  
Was he imagining it or did Jacob keep looking at him oddly? He was probably getting paranoid. Jacob always looked at him oddly. He often wondered what Jacob thought of him. He thought he respected him, liked him. Jack hated that this might not last once Jacob knew. Not just because of his relationship with Sam, but it could affect the team, the SGC, the human / Tok'ra alliance, fragile as it was.  
  
"OK, we're done. Lets get moving." Jacob left, followed by Sam. Jack wanted so much for her to stay here with him for a while, so he could speak to her, touch her. But it was the wrong thing to do, and she'd only get annoyed. They didn't do that on missions: Rule 1; always Colonel, Sir, Major, Carter: Rule 2. They had to stay in that habit, it was too risky to do otherwise.  
  
When he re-joined the team and Jacob up front, Jack was quiet and thoughtful, continuing to ruminate about the relationship, and Jacob. He and Sam had talked about telling Jacob. Sam kind of wanted to. She wanted Jack to spend Christmas with her and the Carter family. If he was going to do that, Jacob would have to know.  
  
Sure, she was apprehensive, couldn't predict his reaction. She thought, in the end, that Jacob would be happy that she was happy. It was fine for her but Jack didn't agree, and he knew that it wasn't her that Jacob would take it out on, or be pissed with. He would be to blame, and quite rightly. He was her commanding officer, for crying out loud!  
  
The idea that she should spend Christmas with her family while Jack stayed at home appalled her. She didn't believe he should be alone at that time of year. Besides, she knew she would miss him; wanted them to be together for the holiday. This would be the first Christmas since their relationship had changed. It was important. Jack, on the other hand, wasn't so sure about either telling Jacob, or about Christmas.  
  
The holiday always reminded him of Charlie, always would. He didn't want to get depressed about that and spoil it for Sam. Besides, he was concerned that things might get a bit obvious if they spent Christmas together. Sam didn't see why they couldn't get away with it; they were team mates weren't they? Friends?  
  
Jack was pleased when the old rust bucket finally got them home and he could make his escape from both Carters; he might be able to relax a little instead of feeling on edge, as he had been for the whole mission.  
  
Once they'd returned, Jacob said he had a few days to spare. He was staying with Sam. She and Jack agreed that neither would say anything to him about their relationship until they'd had another chance to discuss it; as if they hadn't run that topic into the ground already. Jack was prevaricating, distinctly uneasy about the whole thing.  
  
*****************  
  
When he answered his door he was surprised and caught totally flat footed by the fact that Jacob was standing there. Oh crap! So much for avoiding the Carters; here was Jacob, standing at his door, large as life. It might just be a social call, right? As if Jacob ever just dropped by to see him at home. Oh, sure Jack. good thinking! But she can't have said anything, right?  
  
"Got a beer Jack?"  
  
Yeah, have a beer; let's at least pretend it's a social call. Jack dutifully went to get a beer, taking longer than he needed to so he could calm himself down. They sat in his living room in silence for a while, then Jacob spoke.  
  
"So, what's going on between you and my daughter Jack? And don't bullshit me by saying you don't know what the hell I'm talking about. One of the things that Selmak has blessed me with is a good set of eyes"  
  
D'oh!  
  
Jack tried to stay composed, quiet. "Don't you think you ought to be talking to her?"  
  
"No. Because I'm talking to you! And, before you ask, no she doesn't know I'm here."  
  
Crap!  
  
When Jack didn't say anything, Jacob persisted. "So what is it, Jack? Can't keep your hands to yourself anymore?" His tone was belligerent. It reminded him of how Sam could be sometimes. Go figure!  
  
Jack spluttered his reply. "Nothing like that! Don't. It's not like that. It's not."  
  
"So, what exactly is it like? Do you think that you're in love with her?" God, Jack thought, of course I'm in love with her, but I haven't even told her yet; never in words. He resigned himself to the inevitable.  
  
"I am in love with her, Jacob. Very much. It's not just about sex, if that's what you're asking. Do you really think I would risk it all for that? She's.she's important to me. Too important for that. I don't want you to think."  
  
Jacob interrupted. "So, something is going on then?" Jack was shocked. Jacob had been fishing? He'd guessed? How in the hell had he.? Oh God! It must be more obvious than he thought.  
  
"Jack. What the hell are you playing at? You're her CO. You should know better. If George knew."  
  
"Do you think I don't know that? Jacob.I.I don't know what to say to you. I haven't got a defence. So just bawl me out, beat the crap out of me, do whatever you have to do. Get it over with for crying out loud."  
  
"Have you any conceivable idea of just how wrong it is?" Jacob was angry, but in control; maybe Selmak's influence.  
  
"Yeah, of course I know how wrong it is. Every day I have to live with that knowledge and guilt! And every day I count my blessings that I have her in my life. That she has chosen to be with me. That's pretty special to me Jacob. Pretty special..." He became more subdued as he continued. "Don't tell me you've never guessed.any of this.was possible. That you never thought this could happen. You've never been blind or stupid Jacob."  
  
Jack was right. Jacob had observed way back that there was something, a certain spark between them. He had never believed that anything would come of it.  
  
"Do you think for one minute that I ever thought either of you would do anything about it? I thought I knew you both better than that. I'm disappointed in her, in you. Jesus Jack! You're the CO here. Do you know how this looks? Not only are you playing with my daughter's heart, but with her career. I can't just let you do that. I'm not gonna let you break either of 'em"  
  
"What makes you so sure that's gonna happen? I would never do anything to hurt Sam. Never."  
  
"That's not how it looks from where I'm sitting. If anyone finds out about this, you're both screwed. Well, I would rather you were screwed than her."  
  
"And what if it wasn't for the regs, Jacob? What makes you think that this isn't the right thing?"  
  
"How can you two ever be right for each other?"  
  
Jack flinched, he had thought that so frequently himself, and that it would catch up with him one day.  
  
"You're much older than her Jack; too old."  
  
That hurt. It was too close to the truth for comfort. At heart, Jack agreed; when he was eighty, she'd still be in her sixties and relatively young. The same heart also told him that he could never part with her now unless it was what she wanted. If it ever happened it would break his heart in two. Age was not a boundary to his feelings; or hers.  
  
"Do you think I've never taken the opportunity to look at your file Jack?" Jacob continued. "Do you think I want my daughter involved with someone like that? I've always liked you Jack, you know that. A good CO, or at least I thought so. A great leader for SG-1, sure. But for my daughter? She's getting herself involved with another member of the lunatic fringe. If you ever hurt her like that Hanson bastard did I will personally hand you over to Ba'al or some other nasty Goa'uld who wants to keep tearing you apart and putting you back together again." Jacob glowered at Jack, threateningly.  
  
Jack was rocked to the foundations that Jacob seemed to be taking it this badly. Despite his misgivings about Jacob's possible reaction, they had always got along. Sure, they'd had their differences, who didn't? But he had thought Jacob liked him, that he would be pissed and then accept it. Now he wasn't so sure. His reply was subdued.  
  
"I don't know anything about that. She's never talked about it."  
  
"Yeah? Well maybe you should ask her to. You might learn a thing or two. I take it that the great Jack O'Neill can still be open to learning a thing or two?" Wincing again, Jack tried to maintain control. "Maybe you should wonder why she's never told you. Not as tight as you thought, huh?"  
  
Was he trying to drive a wedge between them? No way would Jack allow that to happen. It really stung, that Jacob thought of him like that. Jacob knew nothing of his relationship with Sam. It was worse than he thought. God, what was he gonna do? What could he say? Sam was gonna be so pissed.  
  
"What would you have me do Jacob?"  
  
"You should stop seeing her, go to George and hand in your resignation, that's what you should do. Have you no damned honor? I've a good mind to tell George myself."  
  
Jack felt mean and nasty now. It offended him that Jacob referred to his honor, as if he didn't already know he was acting dishonorably. In a loud and aggressive tone he responded.  
  
"Yeah but you won't will you Jacob? It would hurt your own daughter, your own little 'princess' that you're trying so hard to protect. You won't be the one to pull the rug out from under her career. I can't believe you think me so damned awful that it would be worth that." He spat his words distastefully.  
  
Jacob was silent at that, scowling at Jack because he knew was he right. Then he responded in an even nastier tone than Jack's own.  
  
"If you were half the man I thought you were Jack, you'd have done it already. I will never forgive you for this. Never!"  
  
Jack recoiled at that. Jacob didn't pull any punches. Remembering the fateful night that had started all this, he considered how alike father and daughter could be.  
  
It was then he heard the key in the door. No one else would enter his house with a key unless they thought he was in trouble. She'd probably called by because she thought Jacob was otherwise engaged. Well, he was. Boy was she gonna love this.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
Her voice, calling for him. He noticed Jacob's look of abject terror; he'd been found out. He was probably hoping to persuade Jack to his viewpoint and get him to do all the dirty work that would result. Then she need never know that her father was involved. Son of a bitch, wasn't that just like a Tok'ra? Devious. It pleased Jack somewhat that Jacob was so discomforted. He shouldn't think like that, but he did. So sue me! he thought.  
  
Sam came into the room. When she saw her dad she got that deer caught in the headlights look on her face that he loved so much. One among the many facial expressions he adored.  
  
"Dad?" She could tell from the looks on both of their faces that they'd been arguing. There was only one thing this could be about, only one thing her father could be here for. It didn't look like things were going well. "What are you doing here?"  
  
"What do you think I'm doing here Sam?"  
  
"You don't approve." It was a statement, not a question. She was unflustered.  
  
"Damned straight I don't approve! What the hell do you think you're doing?"  
  
"Something that I have really wanted to do for a very long time." Jack smiled inwardly at that. "I'm sorry you don't like it dad but it's my choice, my life, not yours." Their expressions as she'd walked in gave her some idea of what he might have said today. Poor Jack; so she moved towards him, taking his arm protectively.  
  
"Sam, aside from anything to do with the regs, do you really know what you're letting yourself in for here? How much of his past has he told you?" Jack went cold. Surely Jacob wasn't going to tell her. Oh God! Maybe Jacob could tear them apart after all.  
  
"Make no mistake dad, I know a lot more about him than is written in any file. I have worked with this man for a very long time. You've worked with him too, you should know better. There is nothing from his past that will drive me away from him." Although it warmed Jack to hear her say that, he wasn't so confident. Jacob could see her stubborn determination in the set of her jaw.  
  
"So you're making a choice, huh?"  
  
"If you're asking me to choose between you and him, then don't. You may not like the choice I make." She clung harder to Jack and he responded by taking her hand and caressing her knuckles.  
  
"What if I go and tell Hammond?"  
  
"You do whatever you have to, dad. I still think I've made the right choice, whatever the consequences. You have no idea what it's like, and no idea what its been like. No matter what you might think, Jack's a good and honorable man." To Jack this was like a balm salving his soul. He squeezed her hand gratefully.  
  
"Ok. So be it." And with that, Jacob strode out of the door.  
  
Jack pulled Sam towards him, hugging her tightly. He had never wanted something like this to happen. More painful than what Jacob had said to him was that Sam was hurt over this. She and her father had got so much closer since he had become a Tok'ra. He hated that this would spoil that for her. Nevertheless, he wasn't going to give her up to it. No siree, not if he could help it he wasn't. He wondered at the long term result of what had just happened.  
  
"I'm sorry Sam." He whispered to her. "I'm so sorry." He could feel her shaking in his arms and he kissed her hair. She drew away from him.  
  
"Jack, I ought to go after him and see if I can retrieve anything from this mess." She moved towards the door, then running back, took Jack's face in her hands and kissed him squarely on the lips. As she pulled away from him, she said quietly, "I love you Jack. See you later?" He merely nodded, stunned, and she was gone.  
  
She'd just said she loved him. Loved him? He'd hoped, had even kind of guessed, that she might. She had spoken the words! It was remarkable what a mixture of pain and comfort this day had brought to him.  
  
Should he go after Sam? Make sure she was alright? No, she probably wouldn't thank him for interfering. She might need to say some things to her father that his presence would inhibit. Best to let her get on with it. If she needed consoling, or to talk later, he would be there for her. Always.  
  
****************  
  
Sam was angry. How dare her father interfere. How dare he pass judgement. However, she knew that if she let her father go now, without them speaking, then they might never speak again, She had to do something to stop that, though not if it meant giving up Jack. She wasn't prepared to do that for anything, not anymore.  
  
She hadn't expected it. She knew her father liked Jack. She also thought he respected him. Why was he so against it? She understood that he might be pissed with them over the regs issue. It was something that both she and Jack hated too. There had to be more to it. She wished she could have been a fly on the wall during their argument. Her father had obviously hurt Jack by what he'd said, she could see it in Jack's eyes, his stance, everything. How dare her father hurt Jack like that! He probably thought that, as her father, he had a right. Well he's wrong, she thought, no one has the right to hurt Jack, not even her dad.  
  
As she drew up outside her house, her father was coming out, a small bag slung across his shoulder. She leapt quickly from the car.  
  
"Dad! Please don't go like this." It echoed a previous encounter from what seemed like a lifetime ago.  
  
"I'm not sure there's anything left to say, Sam."  
  
"Yes there is. I'm not going to let you force me to make that choice. Please don't let our family fall apart again. Please dad!" She pleaded.  
  
That made him stop short. Inside of him, Selmak was whispering 'she's right, . and you know it old fool.' Jacob recalled the long years that he and Mark hadn't spoken and the mission that had finally prompted him to seek reconciliation; the man who's son had disappeared into a cult and who bitterly regretted their estrangement. Selmak had been nagging him then, telling him he had unfinished business he should clear up. She had been right, and was now; if he left now, this thing with his daughter might become irreversible. He was a stubborn old fool sometimes. He nodded almost imperceptibly at Sam and she gestured him to follow her into the house. It wasn't a good idea to have this sort of discussion right out here on the street.  
  
Jacob started on the wrong foot by saying that Jack was too old for her. Sam laughed.  
  
"Crap! You think that's important? Look, dad, I know there's a big age gap. I'm sure there will be consequences, for us, for our children." She saw the shocked expression on his face when she alluded to her and Jack having children. "You didn't believe it was that serious, huh? It is for me, dad. For him too, I think. If only you understood better how we got to this point; how this relationship started."  
  
She never got the opportunity to tell him any of that. They talked, and they argued; she scolded, and pleaded; he bullied, and begged.  
  
Although Jacob very much wanted to tell her the things he had learned about Jack from his file, he held back from that. He knew that he would never have really said anything earlier either. It would not be proper for him to use that information in a personal capacity like that. It was classified. He had called in a lot of favours to get access to that file. If he told her simply to try driving them apart, he would be just as dishonorable as Jack. Even if he were able to tell her, he was not sure that Sam would either let him, or listen.  
  
When she realised that her father thought that Jack might hurt her like Jonas had, she had to tell him how wrong he was.  
  
"He's nothing like him. I won't let you think it. He would never do anything to hurt me."  
  
When Jacob repeated the argument he had for Jack, that he was already hurting her, she said.  
  
"You think he's without honor? You know full well that he's just about the most honorable man you've ever met. How could you? He has put his life on the line for you, for the Tok'ra and for this planet so many times. Everyone, everything but him comes first, you know that."  
  
"That's not true anymore. He's put this thing with you above your career Sam."  
  
"No he hasn't done that, I have." She bit back at him. "Do you have so little regard for me that you think I don't know my own mind? You think he seduced me in some way? That he persuaded me into it against my will, against my better judgement? If you would only open your eyes to what he's really like, remind yourself of what you've already seen of him, you would never believe that. He's always chosen the honorable way to do everything. Even when I haven't agreed with him, I've known that.." She wanted to continue to tell him that Jack knew that what they did wasn't honorable, and he hated that; explain why they did it anyway. Jacob interrupted, viciously.  
  
"Tell that to a Court Martial! I don't think they accept those kinds of excuses."  
  
So instead she just said. "Well no one knows, they aren't going to and you're not going to tell them. Are you?" He shook his head at that because he wasn't. "I thought that you'd be happy that I finally had someone to love and who loves me. How could I have been so wrong?"  
  
"Sam, I want you to be happy, of course I do. I want you to have love in your life and share it with someone special, like I did with your mother. But Jack? I've always liked him, you know that, but he's a dangerous and deadly man Sam - hard bitten and cynical. He's become cold hearted. Jack's been through too much, and seen too much, of the bad things in life. Do you think I want that for my little girl?"  
  
"Cold hearted? That's a cruel thing to say, Dad, although there may be some truth in it. This isn't a case of worshipping at the altar of O'Neill. Believe me, he has many faults. I know that better than anyone. He might have some cold in his heart, but he is far from cold hearted. He's not how you think of him. He can be gentle and loving, and so much more than that. I love him. It's that simple. I'm happier than I have been for a long time. Can't you accept that? Be happy for me?"  
  
"Sam, you could never be happy while you are breaking those regulations. You know that at heart." She bowed her head, acknowledging the truth of that, then looked her father in the eyes.  
  
"You don't think Jack feels like that too?"  
  
Jacob took his daughter in his arms, holding her tightly, and she thought she had won. Then he pulled away from her, holding her at arms length.  
  
"I'd do almost anything for you, Sam, you know that, don't you? But I don't want to see him, Sam. I don't want to have to work with him." She was shocked by his reaction, his vehemence.  
  
"And you think General Hammond won't wonder why?" He had to admit she had a point. So they talked it over and over; Sam trying to persuade him that Jack was a good man, that he should still respect him; Jacob as stubborn in his view as ever.  
  
In the end all they could do was compromise. He would never see her socially with Jack. He would avoid working with them where possible, but if he had to, he'd get the job done and just ignore Jack. It upset her to think that it was so. She was incredulous that he had reacted this badly.  
  
She wondered whether she should cut him out altogether. She didn't want Jack to think it was a betrayal. It was the sort of thing he might think. If it had just been a personal thing she might have, but there were bigger things at stake, not least of which was the rest of her family. It had taken a long time for the Carters to become a family once more. She had to do everything in her power to stop the rot before history repeated itself again.  
  
Sam persuaded Jacob to stay the night, but said she would go to Jack and see him in the morning. Before she left she managed to elicit a promise. He said that he would think about everything, about her and Jack. She knew he liked Jack at heart. If he hadn't just overreacted maybe things would have been alright. She hoped that some time to reflect might change his mind, soften him a little; some time and a little nagging from the snake, as Jack would so thoughtfully put it. Selmak could whisper in her father's ear, she in Jack's.  
  
Her father was stubborn. Left to their own devices Jack and he were as bad as each other and would glare at each other when they met, emanating resentment and general nastiness. In that way they were too alike. She pondered the idea that women were attracted to men like their fathers. It had never before occurred to her and she wondered if her dad, subconsciously, saw it and didn't like the idea of himself as a son-in-law. Was Jack really like her dad? It gave her some food for thought.  
  
She mourned that their relationship had taken this turn, that the closeness that had developed between them since the blending was now gone. If he couldn't accept Jack in her life then she would minimise contact as much as possible. She guessed that it was now out of the question to spend Christmas with Mark and his family; unless her father didn't come. That saddened her deeply, although she thought Jack might be secretly pleased. He would probably never say it but she knew he dreaded the idea of the family Christmas. He was only contemplating it for her sake.  
  
That was the sort of thing her dad didn't understand about Jack. How could he compare him with Jonas? Jonas would never have done that. They wouldn't have gone to the family gathering if he didn't want to. He was controlling; he'd do it just to spite her, to confirm the power he had over her.  
  
Jack wasn't like that. She had feared he might be, but he wasn't. He was sharing, giving, loving. Sure, he could be a bastard sometimes. He could still be distant, cold, withdrawn, ill-tempered, wilful, and stubborn. And they were just his good traits. She laughed at that idea, thinking she might save it up to say it to him at some appropriate moment.  
  
So what that he was a complicated guy with many facets to his character? Wasn't that the human condition? Was she supposed to live in a glass bubble or something? Now that she thought back, her father had never approved of her boyfriends.  
  
*******************  
  
After it was over she made her way back to Jack's. It didn't take much to persuade him to make love to her. That's what she needed and wanted right then. No talk. Just that and to be held in his arms. Jack didn't mind that she refused to talk about it. He could relate to that in a big way. If she wanted to she would. If she did, when she did, he'd listen and do whatever he had to do to help her.  
  
Later, they lay exhausted each others arms and he caressed her cheek, looking deeply into her eyes.  
  
"I love you Sam." He whispered it, softly, tenderly. It was a simple statement and it made her smile.  
  
"I know."  
  
"You know?" He cocked an eyebrow. She nodded and kissed his nose gently.  
  
"I like that you've said it though, Jack. You can say it as often as you like."  
  
He smiled and said it again. 


	9. Understandings and Misunderstandings Ser...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 9: Bridge Building  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: su_freund@ficwithfins.com  
  
Website:   
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst, Drama, Romance  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: very minor for Tok'ra Part 1, Divide and Conquer, Abyss  
  
Season: Future  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings and Misunderstanding Part 8: Dynamic Tension  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Content Warnings: Use of minor bad language  
  
Summary: Jack is devastated when an uneventful mission turns disastrously wrong  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund  
  
File Size: 89 KB  
  
Archive: My site. SJD, yes. Jackfic, yes. Gateworld, FanFiction net.  
  
Author's Note: Many thanks to Bonnie for her great, as ever, beta work, and helpful suggestions. Any errors, however, remain my own.  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 9: Bridge Building  
  
4 months after the events in Part 8:  
  
The mission had been uneventful and they were nearing the gate to go home. It was pouring with rain and Jack was feeling very soggy, even in his waterproofs, so was grumbling as ever; about the weather, the trees, anything that took his fancy. He had been in a bad mood all day and what happened later did nothing to improve it.  
  
He and Sam had had a stupid argument. It left them both grumpy, something that did not go unnoticed by the other two members of his team. This was one good reason you should never crap in your own doorstep, thought O'Neill; that's what my granddaddy used to say, and he was right. Actually he used a word that was a little more colorful than that, but it meant the same thing.  
  
Jack couldn't even remember what the argument was about. Maybe leaving the toilet seat up? Or was it squeezing the toothpaste in the middle rather than from the end? It was inevitable that they would have dumb arguments. They had always vowed never to go to work with a cross word between them, it was one of their many rules, but this time they had. It wasn't like they stayed with each other every night, like they normally did that on a night before they were due on a mission, but this time they had done that too  
  
They had barely spoken all day and when they did it was snippy, discomforting their team mates considerably. Daniel and Teal'c both thought about knocking their stupid heads together to see if it would bring some sense to the disorder but neither had carried through with the thought. It was a decidedly uneasy mission, the bad atmosphere clearly discernible, and they were all pleased to be on their way home.  
  
The mission had also been a monumental waste of time. Not only were they wet and uncomfortable, but they had wasted a whole day here when they could have been doing something else. Rumour had it that there was a secret cache of weapons near the gate. Rumours were false. They had found nada.  
  
The attack came as a total surprise. Jaffa had arrived on the planet out of nowhere; must have come through the gate while they were taking soil samples and all that other stuff Jack found so totally fascinating. Jack figured that they had heard the rumour and were also checking it out. Why the hell did they have to pick today of all days? SG-1 had been almost totally unprepared. It was pure arrogance that they thought they were unassailable; utter stupidity that Jack was not more wary. He was annoyed with his own incompetence. They were cut off from the gate.  
  
The fight was going SG-1's way, they were running out of live Jaffa. Nothing like lots of dead Jaffa to make your day, thought Jack, unless it was dead Goa'uld of course. Hard to beat the sight of the glow leaving the eyes of a slimy, good for nothing snake head. Jack got real job satisfaction from that.  
  
Jack had hesitated. He should have been quicker. But he had been distracted, had frozen for a few seconds, because Sam was taken.  
  
He had watched as if it was all in slow motion, like a movie. Helpless. Powerless. The remaining Jaffa were opening the gate and trying to get away. The team couldn't stop them from dialling as there was too much cover fire. The wormhole had sprung to life and, horrified, he had seen a Jaffa get to Sam, knock her out and drag her through the gate. In the blink of an eye she was gone. Just like that. Gone.  
  
A little before that, Daniel had managed to get himself shot. While Jack was distracted. And Sam was taken. Oh God!  
  
*********************  
  
General Hammond met them coming through the gate and was asking about Major Carter. Jack was dumbstruck. Since Sam had been taken he had acted as if in shock. Everything was going on around him as if he wasn't there at all but some distant observer of other people's lives.  
  
If it weren't for Teal'c and an injured Daniel he would have still been standing on the planet; disorientated and bewildered. He couldn't believe it was happening. They would get her back, right? They would find her. She wasn't dead, she wasn't snaked, and no stinking man had laid a finger on her. She was gonna be fine. Everything would be fine.  
  
They had dragged Daniel off to the infirmary and he realised that someone was taking him by the arm and leading him there too.  
  
"I'm ok." He protested tonelessly, trying to shake them off. I'm thinking, leave me alone, he screamed inside. They've got Sam!  
  
"You've been injured Colonel." Said the nurse in response.  
  
"Wha...? I have?" He hadn't even noticed the gash over his eye which was still bleeding.  
  
"it's only minor, Sir, but you must have it seen to." She said.  
  
"Yeah, yeah, sure." His voice was a distracted monotone.  
  
Teal'c was the only one capable of telling Hammond what had happened. He was also clearly shaken by the turn of events.  
  
"And you have no idea where they took her, Teal'c?"  
  
"No GeneralHammond. They must have been renegades, but not rebel Jaffa. More likely deserters. They wore the mark of more than one Goa'uld and their armour was in disarray, damaged and dirty. No self respecting Jaffa would embark on a mission dressed in that manner, GeneralHammond."  
  
"Daniel will be ok but Colonel O'Neill seems to have taken it rather badly. I'm worried Teal'c."  
  
"As am I."  
  
Unlike Teal'c, the General did not know that anything was going on between his two officers. However, he was far from stupid and knew full well that O'Neill felt more about Major Carter than he should. This could be bad, he thought.  
  
Teal'c prayed that GeneralHammond asked him nothing about the relationship between his two friends. He had promised to say nothing but had also vowed never to lie to the Texan man he both respected and admired. Fortunately, GeneralHammond asked no such questions.  
  
The General merely sent Teal'c to the infirmary to be checked over and said he would debrief the team when it seemed appropriate. He asked Teal'c to give him his own debrief as soon as he had left the infirmary. Neither O'Neill nor Doctor Jackson were going to be up to it yet.  
  
********************  
  
It had been three days since Sam had been taken. They didn't know where she'd been taken, couldn't rescue her. Jack was devastated. He'd been overly quiet, morose and withdrawn. They were all worried about him; Teal'c, Hammond, and Daniel, the latter of whom was recovering quite nicely in the infirmary, thank you. Jack was sitting next to Daniel's bed thinking that he probably spent more time here than he did in his own house.  
  
"Jack? Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
"What, Daniel? What's there to talk about?" Jack's face was ashen. He was restless, fidgeting.  
  
"Come on Jack, don't play dense." Jack peered closely at Daniel.  
  
"No. I don't want to talk about it, OK? I want to act. I want to do something about it. I'm tired of sitting here not being able to do anything about it!" He slammed his fist onto Daniel's bedside table and stormed out.  
  
Later, Teal'c found him out on the mountain sitting on a rock, seemingly looking at the view. Teal'c thought that he probably saw nothing. He sat next to him, not speaking. It was a vigil. After a long while Jack broke the silence. Teal'c had found his silent treatment often provoked a reaction. Humans were strange.  
  
"Carter and I used to sit out here sometimes. Have a sandwich. Chat a little." Jack was on the brink, reigning himself in. Teal'c nodded towards him, grasping Jack's arm softly with his powerful hands.  
  
"We all miss her greatly, O'Neill." When Jack responded simply by saying "Indeed", Teal'c half smiled to himself.  
  
"Can I do something for you, O'Neill?"  
  
"Only be here, Teal'c. Only be here."  
  
They sat in silence for a long time after that. Jack had been in a semi- dazed state since it had happened. Sam was missing... taken! His mind had gone through every worse case scenario he could think of. He blamed himself totally for her kidnapping. He'd taken his eye off the ball and hadn't reacted quickly enough. It had happened in the blink of an eye, even though he had seen it in slow motion. Acted in slow motion too, he thought bitterly. Didn't act on it at all, in fact - that was the problem.  
  
He'd been having nightmares again and wasn't sleeping well. What would renegade Jaffa want with Sam? He could think of one or two things, none of them pleasant. Jack's recent nightmares were not about his past, like normal, but of his present and future. His worse waking thoughts came back to haunt him. He thought he could deal with the past far better than he could with either his present or his future. That scared the hell out of him.  
  
He would never forgive himself if Sam was hurt or harmed in any way. It was almost inevitable that she was coming to some sort of harm and the longer they took to find her the worse that would be. God forbid that she be dead. How could he live with that? Bad enough being responsible for the death of your own son, add to that the death of the woman you love more than anything...? His friends were worried what impact that would have on Jack. They knew that when Jack showed his feelings, which to some extent he was doing right now, then it was bad. Really, really bad.  
  
What showed in Jack's face and behaviour was just the tip of the ice-berg. As always he wouldn't talk about it. Daniel thought that if he cried on the outside, instead of the inside, it would help him to deal with it. However, imagining Jack crying was akin to visualising the Goa'uld as nice and fluffy. Teal'c, of course, totally understood where O'Neill was coming from. The way of the warrior and all that. Ironically, the one person who Jack might open up to a little was the woman who was lost to him.  
  
He was going through hell and wasn't emerging from the other side. This was not one of O'Neill's usual good acting performances, despite that he was doing his best to pack it all away. He was generally such an expert at it. Sam's disappearance had knocked the stuffing out of him.  
  
As he sat quietly on the rock his mind was in turmoil. Teal'c could see this clearly as O'Neill, though almost still, turned something over and over in his hands. It was his yo-yo. He was not playing with it as one usually would with a yo-yo, it was merely something for him to fiddle with in typical O'Neill fashion.  
  
Jack just wished he could stop himself thinking. All his thoughts were dark, and he saw no light in his future. To distract himself further he then did start to play with the yo-yo, wielding it like an expert at first until it got tangled up in itself. He started to pull it apart and suddenly threw it hard against the ground. It would never yo-yo again.  
  
"Goddammit Teal'c I need to do something! I hate just sitting here!"  
  
"As do we all, O'Neill. We will find her."  
  
"I wish I had your confidence Teal'c. It's a pretty big universe."  
  
"With only a limited number of hiding places for Jaffa deserters."  
  
"I can't stop myself from thinking about what they might be doing to her. She might be dead, Teal'c."  
  
"That is indeed one possibility." Said Teal'c sadly. There was no point in lying to his friend.  
  
"What if they've snaked her? Worse than dead."  
  
"That is most unlikely. These Jaffa serve no Goa'uld."  
  
"Maybe they sold her to a Goa'uld."  
  
"Perhaps. Also unlikely."  
  
"Well something bad must be happening to her."  
  
"I am afraid that I cannot guarantee that this is not so, my friend."  
  
"I know. God, I miss her Teal'c." He was not surprised that he missed her, only frightened by how much he did.  
  
"As do I." Teal'c looked at O'Neill. The sorrow, anger and self recrimination was starkly there for him to see. "You blame yourself when it is not your fault."  
  
"It is my fault Teal'c. I did nothing, couldn't save her."  
  
"Then I am equally to blame."  
  
"You don't lead SG-1. You didn't just stand by and watch the woman you love taken by the bad guys!"  
  
This was the first time O'Neill had ever voiced his feelings for his lover. Teal'c was taken aback that he had let that slip. His friend had said nothing since that occasion, long ago, when Teal'c had witnessed their confessions during the Za'tarc testing. This was so unlike O'Neill; he was not himself, was overwrought. He said nothing in response to this new confession but tried to address O'Neill's determination to take responsibility.  
  
"That you lead SG-1 does not make you to blame."  
  
"I'm responsible for all the members of my team Teal'c. Each and every one of you."  
  
"There is nothing any of us could have done. It happened too quickly."  
  
"Yeah." Jack kicked the yo-yo across the ground, and then hung his head in sullen silence, unwilling to be drawn in further. Teal'c knew that whatever he said it would not lessen his friend's burden. He changed the subject slightly, worried for him.  
  
"You will make yourself ill if you continue in this fashion, O'Neill. I am concerned for your welfare."  
  
"I know Teal'c." Teal'c wondered if he meant he knew he would make himself ill, or knew that the Jaffa was concerned. "I'll be alright. I'm always alright."  
  
"That is, as you say, crap O'Neill." This made Jack laugh. It was the first laughter to leave his mouth since she had gone. For some reason it helped. They said laughter was a good cure. It eased his tension more than the burst of anger he had taken out on the yo-yo.  
  
"Thanks my friend." He said to Teal'c.  
  
"What have I done that you should thank me for?" Teal'c was puzzled by Jack's outburst and even more baffled when O'Neill again laughed at his response.  
  
"Oh, never mind T." Teal'c said nothing, only raised his eyebrows curiously.  
  
After that they were silent again for a while. Jack took some small comfort in his friend's quiet presence. Eventually he got up, suggesting they go back inside.  
  
"Thanks T, for being a friend." He slapped Teal'c on the back. Teal'c did, indeed, think of O'Neill as a friend but wondered, again, about the strangeness of humans.  
  
*******************  
  
When Jack had tried to resign, almost as soon as they'd returned from that disastrous mission, Hammond had refused him point blank.  
  
"I don't think I'm up to it anymore sir."  
  
"Jack, I am not going to let you resign to run away and put your head in the sand, or more likely into a vat of whiskey. I know you blame yourself. You care deeply about your team, about Major Carter." Jack looked up at that. "But running away is not acceptable. You are going to face this and you are going to stay here and help us bring her home."  
  
"Sir, I don't think you understand." Jack was going to confess it all; he and Sam; his lapse of judgement on the mission; his failure.  
  
"Oh, I think I understand only too well son. I don't want to hear it. Don't force me into a position where I've got to take action."  
  
Jack was stunned. Did this mean Hammond knew? Was he turning a blind eye? Not for the first time, he admired Hammond's off beat attitude. It's the sort of thing he might have done if he thought he could get away with it. Assuming that it wasn't affecting the team, the job. But in this case it was. It had. He had frozen. Daniel was a civilian and it was his job to protect him; he'd been shot. Sam was gone. He looked at Hammond pleadingly.  
  
"But sir..." Hammond ordered him to shut up. He told him he expected him to obey that order carefully and said he should wait until they got her back before discussing it.  
  
"Yes Sir."  
  
Hammond had denied him the only thing he was capable of doing to make any amends. His confession. At least he could claw back some honor, even if he did end up in Leavenworth. He left Hammond's office with a heavy heart. The upside was that he could be here to rescue her when that time came. He ardently hoped that the time would come.  
  
*******************  
  
Jacob had thought a lot about what Sam had said to him last time he saw her. True to his word he had avoided them since. Selmak had tried to convince him that he was wrong, that he was being a stubborn old man, and he had even started to listen. He would not admit it openly, reluctant to admit he might be wrong and have overreacted. So in their internal debate it was one of those things they had to agree to disagree on. Selmak knew, though, and bided her time.  
  
Jacob had always had a sneaking admiration for Jack and the way he operated. Sam, however, surely deserved something better than Jack could give her. He was unstable, a maverick, unconventional. That's what made him a good leader. Jacob was angry that he was having an affair with his daughter behind everyone's back, against the regs.  
  
More than that, however, he was worried about how a man like O'Neill might treat his daughter. She had not faired well in the hands of Jonas Hanson. He didn't like to remember that. Jacob had liked Jonas but had totally misjudged him and regretted it. Not that Sam would have listened to his warnings then anymore than she did now. She had changed a lot since the Jonas Hanson days. Maybe she could deal with Jack. He certainly hoped so.  
  
He had thought it would fizzle out. It was only a passing phase, a fancy. Jack would try controlling her, manipulating her, and she would get out of it. She hadn't come running to him with any stories of Jack's mistreatment though. Not that she would, given what had happened. He had been stupid to shut her out so much. He missed her and no longer knew anything about her life. Now she had been taken. This was the sort of time one started to regret ones foolish actions and words. Worse, no one knew where she had been taken, or why. The why was probably because they could take her. But Jack had let them. How could he do that?  
  
When he hadn't come home for Christmas, apparently Jack had gone with Sam to Mark's. Knowing what had happened to Jack's own family he figured Jack wouldn't have relished that idea. He'd probably hoped Jacob would be there so he could escape that happy family stuff. Despite his own misgivings Mark had liked him and said he'd been good company; on his best behaviour no doubt. He knew that Jack had done it for Sam's sake and grudgingly admired that. So maybe he wasn't like Jonas, maybe he was. The jury was still out on that.  
  
Seeing Jack here trying hard to control his inner chaos, only to have it writ large in his tired features and sorrowful eyes, made Jacob's heart melt slightly. He understood that turmoil. He felt it too. Sam gone. But he wasn't going to show Jack the slight thaw. He was pissed that he'd lost her.  
  
"I thought you'd look after her Jack but you lost her, you stupid son of a bitch, you lost her! I hold you responsible. If she's dead, you're accountable to me. Got that?"  
  
Jack had been dreading this encounter, knowing Jacob would blame him. He was right to blame him. It was his fault. He'd been too lax and he'd let her go. He knew that there probably wasn't a thing he could have done about it but he was in charge, right? And she was gone. He'd been tearing himself apart about it. He walked over to Jacob, looked him right in the eye and gestured provocatively towards Jacob's chest.  
  
"If you think you can blame me any more than I already blame myself then you're fighting a losing battle!" It came out sounding harsh and bitter. Suddenly all the fight seemed to leave him and he sagged. "I...I'm so sorry Jacob. Yes it's all my fault, and I don't know what to do to rectify it, but I know we have to stick together now. We have to find her. We have to get her back." He sounded plaintive towards the end. Then he sat down with his head in his hands.  
  
"Yes, Jack. That's something we can agree on too. I hope you've been treating her OK. If she's dead...if I find out you hurt her or made her unhappy...if she's dead, I'll... I'll kill you Jack." It was a simple statement of fact.  
  
Jack was hurt that Jacob thought like that about him. That he'd got so caught up in his own feelings about them, and Sam being missing, that he couldn't see that Jack would never hurt her. Never. And he couldn't appreciate the pain that Jack himself was in. He was suffering as much as Jacob was, maybe more. It was his fault. He was her team leader. He should never have let it happen. At Jacob's words of death he leapt up.  
  
"No! She's not dead. She can't be dead. Its not acceptable." Jack looked weary, like he hadn't slept much and had been thinking too hard. Jacob supposed he might look the same. Two men heartbroken by the loss of the same woman.  
  
"We'll work together on this one Jack. We'll get her back." Inside he despaired that that was true, they had so little to go on.  
  
"Jacob, I would never hurt Sam. I don't know why you believe I could, but I couldn't. I love her. I want to marry her. I want to spend the rest of my life with her, for crying out loud."  
  
"Control her?"  
  
"Control her? Sam? You've got to be kidding, right?"  
  
Jacob laughed at Jack's bemused expression and began to warm to him a bit more. Selmak nagged at him inside. 'Antagonising O'Neill is not going to help you find your daughter Jacob. You and he should be friends again, you know that deep inside. You always liked him.'  
  
Jacob knew that she was probably right. If Jack was going to be his son-in- law, which seemed a likely prospect, he should try to get to know and understand him better. It was probably the right thing to do for Sam's sake. She would be happy to see the two of them reconciled. He wondered if Jack was willing to forgive him; and if he was willing to forgive Jack. He should try.  
  
"How about a truce, Jack? Maybe we should try to build a few bridges here. Do you want to go for a drink?" Jack looked at him warily, suspicious of his motives.  
  
"I never was any good at building things, Jacob. I haven't left the base since it happened. In case they... in case we get any news. I want to be ready."  
  
"And getting yourself exhausted worrying about her is going to make you ready to rescue her?"  
  
Jack merely shrugged. Jacob grasped his arm, looking deeply into his eyes.  
  
"Jack you need to relax more. Come for a drink. Tell me about my daughter. Please. I've missed her."  
  
Jack saw the need for this conversation in Jacob's eyes. So he and Sam had an argument about toothpaste or something and had parted on bad terms. This was driving Jack crazy. He would never forgive himself for not making things right with her before it happened. He wouldn't make that mistake again and fervently hoped he would have the opportunity to live up to that promise.  
  
On the other hand, Jacob's falling out with his daughter had been far more serious and that was probably driving him nuts too. He needed to talk. Jack could see the regret in his eyes. They mirrored his own feelings. For Jacob's sake Jack would do it. And Sam's. Maybe by the time they got Sam back he and Jacob would be friends again. If he was lucky.  
  
******************************  
  
Jack and Jacob went to the Officer's Club at Peterson. Both were reluctant to stray too far from the base in case there was news. The SGC were under strict instructions to call Jack any time, anywhere on his mobile if they heard anything.  
  
Jack surprised himself by opening up to Jacob about Sam. Jacob surprised himself by listening without going off into a rant. Go figure!  
  
"Dumb I know but we had an argument that morning and I can never forget that we didn't make up before they took her. Both of us had been pretty bad tempered the whole day. Daniel and Teal'c were fed up with us sniping at each other, or with the long uncomfortable silences. It was over something stupid and petty, nothing significant or earth shattering. But we came to work angry with each other. We broke one of our rules."  
  
"Rules?" Jacob asked. He hadn't said a lot, only prompted Jack to talk. He wanted news of his daughter. Wanted to know what her life was like. Wanted to get close to her through Jack.  
  
Jack explained the rules. The rules they had made when their forbidden relationship had started. There was a long list. There was the calling each other "Sir', 'Major', 'Carter' rule. There was the one about never doing anything untoward on a mission, or in the SGC confines. They had broken one; that they shouldn't part with an angry word. There was a long list of places where they could or shouldn't be seen together. They should not abuse their friends by getting them to cover for them if it was avoidable. They should not compromise Teal'c's sense of honor and truth. She would never use their relationship to question his command decisions. He would never use his command position to his advantage in their relationship. The list went on. Jack gave Jacob the highlights.  
  
"How do you manage with all those rules, Jack? How can you and Sam ever be happy like that?"  
  
"Hey, there's happiness and happiness, right?" Shrugged Jack.  
  
"I wanted more than that for my daughter."  
  
"So do I Jacob. So do I. Maybe if you understand what got us to that point; the point of no return for us. Sam wanted to tell you, but you wouldn't listen."  
  
"Well I'm listening now Jack." Jacob felt ashamed that he had never listened to his daughter. Obstinate old man, he thought, and don't say 'I told you so', Selmak, or I'll kick your snaky little butt. She laughed. 'I'd like to see you try old man'. He could hear her in his head.  
  
"I don't think I can do it as good as her." Jack replied.  
  
"Try."  
  
Jack nodded his assent and started to tell Jacob how they'd reached the point where the regulations hadn't seemed to matter anymore. Sure they were important, but so were their own private lives, their love for each other. Both of them hated living the lie but couldn't see a way out of it. They would be unhappier without each other than they would be with each other. Neither wanted to resent the other because they'd left the SGC and the job they loved. They didn't want to live their lives with those sorts of regrets.  
  
Jacob listened as Jack told him about Sam and Bob, that night he had gone to her house. About the months they had spent in close friendship trying to find out if they should really risk it all for the big prize. About their huge argument, and his accident; yet another close encounter with death. About finally giving in to the undeniable truth of their feelings.  
  
As Jack spoke his hand was in his pocket, caressing the photo of Sam that he still carried with him always. It had given him comfort in the hospital, and many times since. He didn't even have to look at it anymore, merely touch it. No one need ever know it was there. Even Sam still didn't know.  
  
Jack told him about their lives together, what they did. Their trips to Denver, their days and weekends in the remote wilds of Colorado. Nothing about the sex, of course, which is how they spent a considerable amount of their time. One didn't talk about that sort of thing to one's future father-in-law. He told him of his regret that they had never managed to make it to his cabin. He had always wanted to take her there but somehow something always happened to stop them. They seemed fated.  
  
"Jacob, I don't think you realise that these feelings Sam and I have, they aren't something relatively new. We've felt like this about each other for... years. We were a long time waiting. Almost too long. This isn't some passing phase. This is for life, at least for me. Sam's her own woman; you'd have to ask her what she feels about it. But me? I can hardly remember a time when I didn't feel like this about her. I was married for 10 years and loved my wife very much. With Sam it is totally different. We have shared so much, lived a unique life together."  
  
At one point Jacob noticed that Jack was fiddling around in his pocket. It drove him crazy; he just couldn't stop his eyes straying there once he has spotted it. He had to ask.  
  
"Jack. This seems like a silly question, but what are you doing?" he nodded towards Jack's pocket.  
  
Jack had hardly been aware he was doing it. He stopped abruptly, embarrassed by his actions. He should stop doing that; the photo would be in tatters along with his heart. Nowadays he had other photos, of her and of them both, but they were not this one. This was the only thing he'd had once. The only thing he had thought he was ever going to get and the closest to her that he had come, before all this started. Face reddening, he pulled it out and handed it to Jacob.  
  
"I...um...I." Jack stammered, dwindling into silence.  
  
Jacob was amused by his awkwardness. Looking at the photo he could see it was old and well thumbed; it was wearing out. Jack obviously did this a lot and had clearly stolen it from her service record. He wondered how long he had been carrying it around with him. Not one to mince words, he asked.  
  
"Pretty long. Since before..." Jack trailed off. "I don't think Sam even knows I have it." He was looking at the floor, his shoes, around the bar, anywhere but at Jacob.  
  
As he had listened, truly listened, and watched Jack talk, Jacob had started to realise that Sam might have made a good choice in this man. This was a man who would do anything for her. A man that loved her like no other man was ever going to. More than that, he respected her. Respected that she was her own woman. An intelligent, beautiful and rare woman, irreplaceable to both of them. Jonas Hanson had never respected Sam as an individual. Jacob had been wrong to believe that Jack might be anything like him.  
  
He was pleased that he had asked Jack, and that Jack had shown him what was in his pocket. This photo spoke many words to him that Jack did not say. He couldn't fathom exactly why but this, more than anything, was what turned Jacob around. It was the icing on the cake.  
  
Jack was right, he would never intentionally hurt Sam. Maybe his Sam was a lucky woman after all. He knew there was darkness hiding in Jack's core, was frightened that would destroy them, and his daughter, but was somehow less worried about that than he previously had been. He had a lot of time for Jack and had been stupid and stubborn about this whole thing. Both Selmak and Sam had been right.  
  
Selmak was helping by nagging at his subconscious, determined to reconcile them. This was her chance and she was taking it. She had always liked Jack and thought he would be the perfect Tok'ra host. If only it had not gone so horribly wrong. She didn't blame him for despising most of the Tok'ra; some of them were despicable. O'Neill always seemed to meet the wrong ones. In an ideal Selmak world Jack and Sam would be the Jolinar and Martouf of the future. That this would probably never be so was something she sincerely regretted.  
  
By the time Jacob and Jack returned to the base they seemed to be firm friends again. Neither would ever forget the words spoken in anger that night at Sam's place, but maybe the both of them could learn to live with it. Neither liked that Sam and Jack were breaching the regs any more than they had before, but maybe they could learn to live with that too.  
  
The conversation had helped Jack. He felt considerably better, still worried sick, but better. He wasn't sure what had possessed him to talk to Jacob so openly, possibly the man's need for it. More likely was his own need for it. Maybe he had secretly known that it was necessary. An odd choice of person to confide in, given how their relationship had been before their conversation.  
  
He realised it was not really a conversation. It had been mainly one sided. Jack had not exactly poured out his heart to Jacob, but it was close. He had talked about his relationship with Sam and that had eased him. It was the first time he'd been able to talk about it openly to anyone and it was a relief. The thing with the photograph had almost broken him but he had survived it.  
  
It was a turning point, and he was much more like his old self. Jack had been thinking himself incapable. It scared him that he might not be up to the job of rescuing Sam. He'd been a mess and could never have led a team in that state. Now he could. He was still a mess, but one he could cope with. The whole experience had been therapeutic and liberating. He felt grateful to Jacob for that. There was something to this talking crap after all. He still didn't think he would be doing it too frequently though.  
  
Had he but known it, Jacob felt better too. It had acted as a catharsis for him as much as it had for Jack. He had built a bridge that would lead him back into the arms of his daughter and was pleased with his handiwork. He knew that Sam was happy and understood more about how and why they had got into this relationship. Jack had built up a picture in his mind of a good future for his daughter. One that would be lasting and, with a bit of luck, might produce more grandchildren for him to spoil. Jack wasn't really so old. He might be lying to him of course, but Jacob knew Jack better than that. Inside him Selmak said 'I told you so' and sniggered.  
  
"Leave me alone old woman." Jacob said aloud, sighing. "there's no need to rub it in." She laughed.  
  
******************************  
  
Jacob was in George's office stunned by the implication of this conversation. George had all but admitted that he knew something was going on between Jack and Sam. His friend had always been a quirky commander, but this was something that surprised him. George knew but did nothing.  
  
"You're wrong, I don't know anything, Jacob. I do not take action based on idle speculation."  
  
Jacob was certainly not going to confirm it. He did not want to ruin his daughter's career. Or Jack's for that matter, he had changed his mind about that. Jack was a good man and Jacob was happy that his original instincts about him had not been wrong. Not like they had with Jonas.  
  
He couldn't even remember how this had come up. He'd just popped in to see his friend to check nothing had been heard. He knew damned well that George would have told him if they had heard anything, but he'd gone in to check anyway. As time was passing he was getting increasingly anxious about his daughter's welfare.  
  
He remembered that George had asked him how Jack was holding up. Then he had started about how pleased he was that Jacob and Jack had 'had reached a gentleman's understanding'. They were George's word, not his. It was hardly the way he would have chosen to describe it. He hadn't even known that George had noticed something was amiss. His friend was a much more wily bird than he gave him credit for. As he well knew, you didn't get to be a General in the US Air Force without knowing a few things. He began to wonder what he himself had known to reach that rank. His powers of judgement and observation had been below par of late. Perhaps it was because it was all connected to his daughter, so something that too close to him. Maybe his symbiote had changed him more than he thought.  
  
"Good," Said Jacob, "I would hate to see my daughter brought before a court martial." He was keeping up the pretence of knowing nothing but noticed the sideways glance that George gave him. Yeah, very wily, he thought.  
  
"Jack tried to resign. Did you know?" Hammond said.  
  
"No." That was no lie. "Why?"  
  
"He didn't think he was up to it anymore after..." Hammond let his voice trail off. "He tried to tell me something but I wouldn't let him. I had to order him not to. It was pretty obvious what he was going to say though, Jacob." Jacob was surprised.  
  
"Why didn't you let him?"  
  
"Because he needs to lead the rescue mission, if there is one, and I hope to God there is. I'm not going to destroy Jack's life. I can't do that, he doesn't deserve it. Not being here to rescue her if he can will destroy him more effectively than anything else I can think of. Don't you agree?" Jacob nodded imperceptibly. "Besides, he should be a Goddamned hero, not a disgrace. He's sacrificed enough already to save our butts."  
  
"What are you going to do George?"  
  
"I don't know. I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it." Jacob thought there had been an awful lot of bridges to build and cross lately.  
  
"Sam?" He asked.  
  
"Jacob, let's worry about getting her home first, ok?"  
  
Later on he sought out Jack to tell him about parts of the conversation. Jack nodded as if he'd guessed.  
  
"I'll deal with it Jacob."  
  
"Jack...!"  
  
"I'll deal with it once we have her home."  
  
*****************************  
  
After two weeks of waiting Jack allowed himself to go home. Except for sitting on that rock topside occasionally, and his night out with Jacob, he hadn't left the base. Hammond had tried to persuade him but Jack insisted on waiting for any news of Sam; anything that might give them a clue to Sam's whereabouts, her fate. Anything that would allow them to formulate a plan to get her back. She had to be coming back. Had to be. Hammond didn't have the heart to order him home.  
  
Jack was relieved that Hammond hadn't accepted his resignation. Otherwise he couldn't have been there waiting, couldn't go out there and bring her back. However, thus far the waiting had been in vain.  
  
The house smelled slightly unlived in and there was something worse looking than a Goa'uld living in his fridge. He went to the bedroom and sat for a while thinking of the last time they'd been here together. He was praying it wasn't the last time they'd ever be together. He noticed Sam had left one of her t-shirts on his bed. Had they got so comfortable with one and other? Yeah, he supposed. It had been like that almost from the start. It had been good. He picked it up and held it closely to his face. It smelled of her. He sat like that for a very long time. Then he went back into his living room and poured a very large tumbler of whiskey.  
  
A loud ringing woke him. For crying out loud...! It was his phone. He'd fallen asleep on the couch, not drunk just extremely exhausted. The whiskey he had poured earlier was almost untouched. Picking the phone up sleepily he realised Hammond was on the other end of it and immediately shook himself awake.  
  
"We've got some news, Jack. You'd better come back in."  
  
"What...What kind of news, Sir?" He wasn't breathing, fearful of what he might hear. If she was dead... He couldn't even contemplate what he would do. Jacob would probably kill him and he wouldn't have to worry about it anymore.  
  
"We think we know where she is, Colonel. The Tok'ra think they've found her." Not even waiting to hear anymore, Jack slammed down the phone. He was out of his door so fast his feet didn't even touch the ground. It wasn't until he got in his truck that he realised he was still clutching her T-shirt.  
  
TBC in Part 10 


	10. Understandings and Misunderstandings Par...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 10: Moments of Departure  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: sufreundficwithfins.com  
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst, Romance  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: In the Line of Duty, A Matter of Time  
  
Season: Future  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 9: Bridge Building  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Content Warnings: Some use of mild language and non explicit references to sex  
  
Summary: Jack and Jacob plan to rescue Sam from her captors but are unprepared for what they find  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund  
  
File Size: 56 KB  
  
Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net.  
  
Author's Note: Thanks again to my wonderful beta Bonnie for all her help, suggestions and amendments. Any remaining errors are my own. And thanks to Thalassa whose artwork adorns most of this series on my Fic with Fins website. An intriguing work by her graces this particular fic on the site. Website address in my FanFic.Net profile if you are interested in looking.  
  
Moments of Departure  
  
Stealth, that was the key word. They came in quietly, hidden by the cloaking device, not having dared to risk the gate, which might alert their targets to the possibility of attack. Landing a good way from the camp, they made their way through the undergrowth. Not even Daniel breathed a word or made a sound. Stealth.  
  
Sam had been missing for a few weeks, captured by renegade Jaffa. Her friends, her father, her lover, had all been worried sick. Now they believed they'd located her and would do nothing to endanger her further.  
  
Jack blamed himself for her capture and was praying she was still alive. He thought he might have trouble persuading Hammond to let him lead this mission and was surprised when the General asked him to. His previous mission had been a disaster, leading to Sam's capture, and he wasn't sure Hammond would have enough faith in him and his judgement. The General knew that Jack was hurting badly and lacking objectivity. Jack agreed but was desperate to get Sam back; he had to be there. Hammond knew that too.  
  
Jacob and SG-1 were not alone; Hammond had sent SG-3 as back up. He couldn't expect any objectivity from SG-1 or her father; probably not from SG-3 either. He made the judgement call to send O'Neill as he realised it would destroy him utterly if he wasn't there. If anyone could pull this off it was O'Neill, skewed judgement or not.  
  
If it all went wrong Hammond would probably be hung out to dry but, frankly, he didn't care. The buck stopped with him and he would live with the consequences good or bad. He very much hoped they were good. He loved Sam like a daughter, although he knew he shouldn't. He figured he couldn't be impartial either.  
  
Intelligence told them that the camp was on lower ground. That should allow them to effectively scan the place, find the holes in the Jaffa defences, and come up with a plan. Jack wondered what made these people so stupid. Was it years of blindly following the lead of false gods? Teal'c wasn't that dumb. Maybe this was why they were deserters. Not only were they cowards, but idiots. The camp was in a poor defensive situation. Hadn't these guys ever watched the movies? Jack took comfort in that; they would have left themselves vulnerable in other ways too.  
  
Teal'c was taking point and suddenly stopped, raising his arm with a signal. He had paled.  
  
"O'Neill."  
  
He stared at something hidden in the greenery. O'Neill followed Teal'c's eyes and made a sound that was indescribable. A grunt, a cry, a gasp? It was all three. Blonde hair was visible from the undergrowth. It was a body, poorly hidden. Oh God, don't let it be her, he prayed. Jacob was silent but grasped Jack's arm in dismay. They all stood quietly just staring, none of them daring to make a move because they were too scared of what they might find.  
  
Jack crouched down to uncover her.  
  
"Jack!" Daniel exclaimed, thinking that almost anyone other than Jack should do this; fearful of Jack's reaction if it was Sam.  
  
"I got it!" Jack bit back angrily. If it was her he had to face it.  
  
It wasn't her. The relief was palpable. Whoever the poor soul had been, she'd been dead for a few days. Jack's head spun with thoughts, which were cut short by a call from Jacob.  
  
"Jack!"  
  
He had found some more remains nearby. Nice! These guys didn't even bury their dead. They uncovered a few bodies, in various states of decomposition. It seemed that they might all be women. None were Sam. The group felt collectively nauseous, disgusted with what they saw and fearful for Sam's well being. She was in danger; they had to get to her before she became another victim.  
  
"These Jaffa are not worthy of that name." Spat Teal'c, "we must dispose of these women on a funeral pyre." Jack nodded but patted his friend on the arm.  
  
"If we can, Teal'c. Right now we have other priorities. Let's tend to the living first, huh? Find Sam." Teal'c bowed his acknowledgement, knowing O'Neill was right.  
  
Moving on, they shortly reached the small hill which overlooked the camp and hit the ground, crawling on their bellies so they could not be seen. Jack peered through his binoculars.  
  
"Piece of cake." He quipped after a couple of minutes.  
  
He turned out to be more or less right.  
  
The Jaffa were sloppy and the friends had the advantage of surprise. At nightfall they would make a move, until then they would watch and wait. Jack watched the camp anxiously, seeing no sign of Sam. A couple of other women roamed around doing chores under the cruel and watchful gaze of the Jaffa. Occasionally he saw one of them beaten, pushed or otherwise mistreated and it took all his willpower to stay put. Where was Sam?  
  
When the women eventually went to rest that night they entered the same makeshift tent. There! That's where she would be. Why hadn't she been out here with the others? Jack didn't want to think about that too hard. Soon they would know.  
  
Later he and Jacob approached the tent warily. The Jaffa had so many gaps in their defences that Jack lost count. Most of the guards on watch had fallen asleep. Mediocre and slapdash. It annoyed Jack to recall that these Jaffa had got the better of him. Teal'c and a couple of SG-3 crept around planting as many explosives of various kinds as they could without being spotted. Daniel and the others waited on the hill, watching and ready to signal if there was a problem.  
  
The women were asleep and Jack and Jacob woke them, hands on mouth to silence them. Having satisfied the women that they were here to help, Jack spied another figure under covers. It must be her, please be her.  
  
It was her. She was badly beaten, covered in bruises and lacerations, but alive. It broke his heart to see her like this, but she was alive! Jacob stared down at his daughter and mourned her sorry state alongside Jack.  
  
"We have to get her through the gate." He whispered. "The Tel'tac might take too long."  
  
"I know." He crouched down beside her and stroked her hair, fondly. "Sam."  
  
She opened her eyes, one of which was swollen and black and blue. Jack wanted to knock whoever did this senseless. He softly stroked her face but she shied away, obviously scared. It was not something he was used to seeing in Sam and it hurt and terrified him. What had these bastards done to her? He moved his hand away quickly, as if he had been burned.  
  
"Sam, it's me, Jack." He said gently, in a tone he hoped was comforting.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"I'm here. We're gonna take you home."  
  
"I knew you'd find me."  
  
"Thank your father, and the Tok'ra."  
  
Sam peered behind Jack. "Dad?"  
  
"Sweetheart." Jacob smiled encouragingly but inside he was raging at what had been done to his daughter, sickened by her apparently extensive injuries. "Can you walk?"  
  
"I... I don't know. I think so. Limp maybe." Her responding smile was weak. Jack took her hand and she flinched. "Please don't!" He nodded and stood, thinking very little about it; she was in pain but a determined and independent woman. She wanted to do this alone, if she could. He longed to hold her in his arms, but it could wait.  
  
Sam eased herself up, wincing, while Jack and her father watched in agony on her behalf. Jack handed her his Baretta and, despite her obvious pain, Sam was all business.  
  
"Ok, what's the plan?"  
  
"Oh, you know me and plans Sam..." Jack smiled at her and she laughed softly.  
  
They heard a bird call in the distance. Jack grinned.  
  
"There's the signal. We're on. Come on."  
  
"We aren't leaving them behind are we?" She indicated the other women, her tone horrified.  
  
"Of course not." At that moment, Teal'c's head appeared. He acknowledged Sam with a bow and a broad smile.  
  
"I am most happy to see you MajorCarter." He was shocked by her appearance but did not show it.  
  
"Good to see you too Teal'c." She returned the smile but it was more of a grimace. Smiling hurt like hell.  
  
"May I be of assistance?"  
  
"Watch our six Teal'c" O'Neill ordered. "Jacob, you go first with these women, Sam and I will come up the rear with Teal'c. And be quite."  
  
"Jack, I'm a General in the US Air Force and you are telling me to be quiet? Grandmothers and egg sucking comes to mind."  
  
"Sure, sorry. We don't want to get spotted too soon."  
  
"I know that."  
  
"Ok, then fine. Go."  
  
Jacob's group crept out of the tent, then Jack and Sam followed, with Teal'c coming up the rear. So far they had remained unnoticed but Jack didn't think that even these lackadaisical bastards would let them get clean away without seeing something.  
  
He was right. They had got halfway across the compound when he heard shouting. A guard had seen them and the others were stirring. The whole camp would be awake and after them soon.  
  
"Run!" he shouted. "Get to the others as soon as possible and take cover if necessary!"  
  
The scene became a confusion of staff blasts and automatic fire. As soon as the rescuers and rescued were clear the whole camp exploded. Teal'c and the others had done well in laying their charges, scattering C4 and Claymores throughout. The camp was nearly obliterated in the first onslaught and this gave Jack a great deal of satisfaction. He hoped they'd killed the bastards who had hurt Sam.  
  
She was managing to keep up with him, but only barely.  
  
"Teal'c," he called "carry her if it becomes necessary, ok?" The Jaffa indicated his consent but Sam looked horrified.  
  
"I'll be ok, I'll make it." She insisted.  
  
Jack had no option but to ignore her as he concentrated on firing at their pursuers. Many had been killed or injured in the explosion, but there were quite a few remaining and they were attacking as ferociously as possible. We'll see about that! Jack thought, stopping and turning back.  
  
"Go!" he shouted at Sam and Teal'c and fired at the on-comers, managing to kill or maim quite a few. Good, he thought, with pride in his work. Lobbing a grenade or two for good measure, he turned to follow the others.  
  
Another wave of explosions hit as they reached the top of the hill. Claymores strategically placed to cover their backsides. Very few of the Jaffa were now left to stop their retreat. Jack sent SG-3 ahead to secure the gate, if possible. They'd checked the gate's defences earlier and found them to be equally lacking. He hoped it would be a pretty clear run from here on in, but took nothing for granted. These guys had caught him off guard before and he was determined they would do no such thing this time.  
  
O'Neill, Jacob and SG-1s progress to the gate was slowed by a faltering Sam. Jack considered insisting that Teal'c carry her, but knew from Sam's earlier reaction that she would be pissed. So he allowed her to slow them, fairly confident that they would make their escape safely.  
  
When they reached the gate SG-3 had taken it easily. As they dialled home a handful of Jaffa from the camp caught up with them. They too were disposed of in short order.  
  
"Serves you right for crossing SG-1!" Jack spat at them in delight.  
  
The wormhole opened and the group started to go though. Teal'c was hesitant.  
  
"T?" queried O'Neill.  
  
"Those dead women deserve a better end O'Neill" Oy! "I wish to stay behind and dispose of them properly. I will return in the Tel'tac. We surely do not wish to lose the Tel'tac, O'Neill?" Jack looked at Jacob to gauge his thoughts.  
  
"It's a valuable piece of equipment Jack." He shrugged. "It's your call."  
  
"We could come back for it." Jack replied. Teal'c crossed his arms, determinedly. "I can't leave you here alone Teal'c."  
  
"You and GeneralCarter must return quickly for MajorCarter's sake, O'Neill." She had already gone through the gate with Daniel and SG-3; only the three of them were left. "I will be fine."  
  
Reluctantly, Jack agreed, hoping he would not live to regret it. He and Jacob disappeared through the wormhole, leaving Teal'c behind.  
  
Despite how she looked, Sam's injuries turned out to be relatively minor. She'd been lucky with the eye as a couple of centimetres could have given her some more permanent damage. Jack hated to think about it. She was exhausted, malnourished and dehydrated. The bruising, lacerations and more minor cuts covered her extensively. On the whole, her physical prognosis was good.  
  
However, Sam was clearly depressed. Withdrawn and prone to being tearful, or rages, she was reluctant to talk about her experiences in the Jaffa camp. She would cringe when touched, even by Jack or her father. They gave up trying to give her that kind of solace unless she instigated it, but both spent as much time with her as possible, sitting at her bedside in the infirmary while the staff got her well enough to go home.  
  
Sometimes she would seem quite normal; would smile, take Jack's hand and caress it subtly and gently. Those moments gave Jack hope that her depression was lifting. Then suddenly she would turn on him, her moods seemingly shifting with the winds.  
  
Jack was frustrated that he was unable to communicate his feelings to Sam. He was bad enough at that kind of thing already without the restrictions of being in the base infirmary, and those that she imposed on him. When she was in one of her more receptive moods he asked,  
  
"Is this how you felt when I was in hospital?"  
  
"What? You mean helpless? Afraid? Pissed? Frustrated?"  
  
"Um, something like that." His smile looked forced.  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
Poor Sam. He'd put her through a lot and now she seemed to be repaying that. He had been so happy to find her alive, bring her back, but his anguish had only diminished slightly on their return. He tried to brush her cheek and she flinched away from him, causing him considerable pain and increasing his frustration and anxiety still further. Her mood had swung again. How much of this was he supposed to take? He was desperate to know why she was behaving like this, but could get nothing from her that helped him. He had tried talking to the Doc but with no luck. Doctor, patient confidentiality, yadda, yadda, yadda...  
  
Recalling how he'd felt after his imprisonment in Iraq, he suspected she was suffering from some kind of post traumatic stress; hardly surprising. Sara had saved him then, despite himself, and he would do the same for Sam. He imagined that these feelings she had might be somewhat similar to his, and hoped her PTSD symptoms were relatively mild rather than acute. Mild symptoms might be bad enough to handle. It concerned him that these moods could drag on for years before she got the courage to tackle it effectively.  
  
He wasn't sure he was the right one to help her, though; after all he still got symptoms himself and was hardly a good example of facing it head on. However, he would try. His experience and knowledge of PTSD told him he should try not to take her reactions personally, which was easier said than done, and he pondered raising the issue with the Doc so that she would be forced to go for counselling. That he hated that option so much himself did not endear him to the idea, but he knew it might have to happen anyway. The Doc was not entirely unaware of her mental state and might not even allow her to come back to duty at the SGC unless something was resolved.  
  
The one thing that Sam seemed happy about was his reconciliation with Jacob. She had asked Jack about it, curious as to how it had come about, and he had muttered something about 'coming together in the face of adversity' without going into detail. She did manage to speak to her father, though, who was more forthcoming. Jacob was eager to make up for lost time, get close to his daughter again. He knew he had little time before he would be recalled to duty by the Tok'ra and regretted that duty would once again come between them. However, it had always been so; Sam was used to it.  
  
Jack and the others had to work, of course, so Jacob got to spend a lot of time with her. Sometimes she would be pleased that he was there and talk with him happily, but often she would be depressed or angry and would greet him with derision and rejection.  
  
It worried Jacob that he might have to leave too soon. He now knew that he was leaving her in capable hands with Jack, but Sam wasn't exactly welcoming to him all the time either. Jack hadn't seen Sam like this since Jolinar had sacrificed herself to save her and it nagged at him a great deal. So both men continued to fret, trying not to show their pain to her. They needed to give her time.  
  
Meanwhile Jack tried once more to make a clean breast of it with Hammond. After the debrief he had plucked up his courage and gingerly knocked on his door.  
  
"Come." Hammond indicated Jack to enter. "I'll be with you in a moment Colonel."  
  
He continued to finish something he was writing, thinking that he knew why Jack was here and unsure whether he wanted to face it, or the consequences. So he gave himself a little time to think - as if he hadn't frequently thought about this moment ever since their last conversation about it, when he had ordered O'Neill not to tell him anything.  
  
"What can I do for you son?" Hammond asked, looking up to face him at last. O'Neill stood rigidly to attention. "At ease Colonel." Jack only marginally relaxed. "Sit down Jack."  
  
"I'd rather stand if it's all the same to you Sir."  
  
"Well it isn't all the same to me. Sit." Jack reluctantly obeyed. Hammond indicated for him to speak.  
  
"Sir," O'Neill was obviously uncomfortable. "We said we'd talk once we'd rescued Carter..." he tailed off.  
  
"I'm not sure I'm any more ready for that conversation now then I was then Colonel." They were both silent for a while, then Jack broke it.  
  
"General, I think it's time I retired."  
  
"I don't want to lose you Jack."  
  
"I... there's something that has become more important to me than this job Sir."  
  
"Saving the universe, you mean Jack?" He elicited a smile from his subordinate. "There is only one thing I can think of that is more important than that." Hammond looked at O'Neill meaningfully.  
  
"Then that must be it, Sir."  
  
They were both pussy footing around, avoiding speaking of Jack and Sam's relationship directly. Jack became serious again.  
  
"I've acted dishonorably Sir."  
  
"I won't disagree with that Jack. Despite that you are still one of the most honourable men I have had the pleasure of serving with."  
  
"Thank you Sir." Jack felt genuinely flattered that those words came from Hammond's mouth. He had a lot of respect for the General, despite his own sometimes recalcitrant ways.  
  
"You would be a hard man to replace Jack." Hammond said. Jack felt another swell of pride.  
  
"Colonels are coming out of the woodwork in the USAF Sir." He replied modestly.  
  
"Not Colonels like you, son." Jack's responding smile was boyish, shy and self effacing.  
  
"Sir." He looked down at his hands, which fidgeted and displayed his discomfort.  
  
"You could give me time to think about it, once Major Carter is ready to come back to work?"  
  
"I suspect you have already been thinking about it Sir." Jack looked up at Hammond once more.  
  
"A great deal, Jack. Unfortunately I haven't thought of a solution yet."  
  
"There aren't very many of those in this situation General."  
  
"No." Hammond agreed.  
  
"Sir, I do not want to bring you any... repercussions."  
  
"I know. You might have thought of that earlier Colonel." Jack sighed, knowing that was true. "After Major Carter has recovered Jack. Agreed?"  
  
"Um... yes Sir."  
  
Jack tone spoke of his uncertainty. It put off the evil day but he wasn't sure that was the right thing. He figured that, if it was what Hammond wanted, he was willing to go along with it for now.  
  
Later on he and Jacob discussed it. After the conversation in the Officer's Club at Peterson the pair had become fairly tight, closer than they had ever been. Although they were loathed to leave Sam in the infirmary, she had been very insistent that they leave her alone and take a break. Actually she had told them that she wanted a break; was fed up with both of them fussing over her.  
  
Jack's reluctance to leave the base was not totally focussed on Sam. He was more than relieved when Teal'c appeared back on the scene, alive and well, having completed his private mission. He had returned the Tel'tac to the Tok'ra and arrived through the gate, cutting his journey time considerably. It was then Jack agreed to leave.  
  
Jack and Jacob were sipping Budweiser in Jack's living room.  
  
"George is an astute man. He'll think of something."  
  
"Or I'll retire."  
  
"Jack...!"  
  
"You said you wanted me to!"  
  
"Well... can't a guy change his mind?" They both smiled and sat in companionable silence for a while.  
  
"Sam's gonna be alright isn't she Jacob?" Jack was pretty upset at her rejections of him.  
  
"Give her time, Jack. She'll come around. She loves you doesn't she?" Jacob replied, and Jack snorted.  
  
"I don't know anymore." Jacob said nothing and Jack continued. "I just want her to be her old self. To be well, and happy. If it turns out that it won't happen with me in her life then..." He shrugged but Jacob knew Jack's heart would be broken if that happened.  
  
"If she won't discuss it we can't force her."  
  
"I could order her to tell me."  
  
"But you won't."  
  
Jack shook his head, agreeing with Jacob. As her CO he might have, but his relationship with her meant he did not want to force the issue. Not yet anyway. This was just one of the many conundrums of his relationship with a subordinate. It couldn't go on like this, Jack thought. He would have to insist to Hammond that he left. Sam still had a career to look forward to while his was almost over anyway. It was the right and sensible thing to do.  
  
"George might though." Added Jacob and Jack nodded.  
  
They were unaware that Hammond already had forced the issue with Sam. He had not liked what he heard and was not telling either Jack or her father about it any time soon. He had given his word that he would only do so if a command decision depended on it. Sam would be sent for counselling as a result of that conversation, but Jack didn't find out about that until much later.  
  
Jacob had been recalled and briefly flirted with the idea of telling the Tok'ra to go to hell. Knowing that Sam would go home soon made him want to stay for longer. However, he wondered whether he needed to leave Jack and Sam alone to work things out, and chuckled to himself about how much his attitude towards them as a couple had changed. So he left, promising Sam he would return as soon as he could.  
  
A couple of days later Sam was deemed fit to go home. Jack was alone with her in the infirmary.  
  
"I'll stay with you, make sure you're ok." He stated.  
  
"I'd rather you didn't Jack." Her reply hurt. He wanted to be alone with her more than anything.  
  
"You shouldn't be left alone." He persisted.  
  
"Then find someone else to baby sit!" That really stung. Sam's tone was vicious and reminded him of her vitriol on the night that had started this whole thing.  
  
"I... who else Sam. Who else but me?"  
  
Sam's face scrunched up to quell the tears she wanted to shed and Jack made a move to embrace her. She stopped him, holding out her arms to ward him off. She seemed resolute that he keep his distance. It scared him. What had changed? What had happened that affected her feelings for him this way? He was struggling to maintain control and equally determined to not let her push him away. No way was he giving up on her now. They argued. Jack hated arguing with her, but was even more stubborn than she was.  
  
"At least let me drive you home?" He said eventually and she agreed to that. Once there he was ready to start the argument all over again. For now he let it appear he had given up.  
  
They sat in his truck in silence, although after a long while she spoke.  
  
"What's my T-shirt doing in your truck Jack?"  
  
He looked embarrassed and did not take his eyes from the road ahead. He had forgotten it was there and wondered if it still smelled of her, recalling his absent minded actions while she was still missing.  
  
"I... I'm not sure... I..." Come clean, Jack, he told himself. Maybe it will do something to help turn her around. He was desperate and would try almost anything. "I found it in my bedroom when you were missing. It smelled of you." He turned to look at her and shrugged helplessly. "It felt good to have something of yours, something that reminded me."  
  
She smiled and his heart lifted. Patience is a virtue, Jack, he thought. Practice it, you need to.  
  
He stopped to pick up well needed groceries and deliberately bought enough for two. Sam made no objections. When they arrived at her house he parked the truck and got her bags, walking her to the door, steeling himself for the argument. She surprised him by inviting him in for a coffee. He insisted on making it while she rested in the living room, and put away the groceries while he did so.  
  
Returning to her, he crouched to pass her the coffee, putting his down on the table. She put her mug down next to his and withdrew her hands to her lap and placed a hand over hers. She smiled and did nothing to displace his hand, which delighted him, so he sat down, not daring to remove it. She put her head on his shoulder and they stayed unmoving and silent while their coffee got cold.  
  
Jack was getting a cramp in one leg, and beginning to think he needed to shift. He did not want to spoil this moment with her so decided to stay in this position all day if necessary. So what if he couldn't walk properly for a week; this was worth it. A moment later she spoke.  
  
"Coffee's cold Jack."  
  
"Is that a hint?" She looked up at him and nodded, a glimmer of a smile on her lips.  
  
Reluctantly he stood up and his cramped leg buckled.  
  
"Ow!" he yelped, "I've got cramp." He said by way of explanation.  
  
Sam responded by kneeling on the floor to massage his leg. This pleased Jack immeasurably and he started to feel even more positive and upbeat about them. When he told her it was better she ordered him to make the coffee and their jesting banter seemed almost normal. She was stretched out on the couch when he came back and she sat up to let him in and then lay her head on his lap. He risked draping his arm over her and rubbing comfortingly at her stomach. She responded with a satisfied sigh.  
  
"You can stay, Jack, in the spare room." She offered and he nodded feeling vaguely triumphant, although would rather have stayed in her bed. This was a compromise and better than nothing. She was no longer almost totally rejecting him and this appeased him.  
  
Sam seemed slightly dazed, dreamy and withdrawn for the rest of the day, but she did not turn on him or snap at him and that was enough for now. He hoped to make her reveal her feelings little by little, knowing that a confrontation might not be the best way forward. Back Sam in a corner and she fought back big .  
  
In the middle of the night he heard her softly weeping and went to her room to comfort her. However, she was adamant that he leave her alone and when he tried to ignore her pleas and sat in her bed she slapped him hard around the face.  
  
"I said go away and leave me alone Jack! What part of no don't you understand?" She shouted.  
  
The slap hurt his feelings more than him and he bit back tears of his own, uncertain how to react. In the end he decided to give in and went back to the spare bedroom, lying awake and listening for the sounds of her, fretting about her vehemence. Once more he realised he was going to have to be patient. Eventually she would talk to him and he would know why she was acting like this. However, he was only partially confident that this would be so.  
  
The next morning she did not refer to it and seemed comfortable with him around. He went to his place to pick up some clothes and toiletries, hoping she would let him in when he returned. Her moods were unpredictable. Much to his relief, she did not object to his presence and the day went fairly well overall, although she would allow no physical contact. He rang the SGC to alert them to call him on his mobile if he was needed, rather than his home phone, obviously not telling them he was staying with Sam.  
  
Reluctantly, he returned to duty the following day, hating to leave her there alone and arranging for a couple of people to drop in 'casually' during the day. In a few days he was due off world, which might end up as an overnighter, and he worried about what would be best for Sam. He had to learn to trust her alone, he knew that, but was worried what one of her mood swings might make her do, fearful she might harm herself in some way in a fit of depression. He knew what that was like; had been there and done that more than once.  
  
Having decided to trust her, he went off world with a heavy heart. The mission was supposed to be an easy one, check out the planet, take soil samples and the usual, and it did indeed turn out that way. The ruins spied by the UAV were far enough away to entail a stop over. Lt Barclay made up the four, replacing Sam as scientist - as if anyone could ever replace Sam.  
  
Teal'c was on watch as the others slept, but Jack couldn't sleep. He got up and sat by Teal'c's side. They silently enjoyed each other's company until Jack spoke.  
  
"I'm worried about Sam." He stated, surprising Teal'c with his candour.  
  
"Is she no better O'Neill?" He asked.  
  
"She's... moody, unpredictable."  
  
"Does she need to seek help O'Neill?  
  
"Perhaps. You know Sam." He shrugged.  
  
"Then you should seize the initiative."  
  
"You think?"  
  
"Indeed."  
  
"I'm frightened she'd hate me for it." Teal'c grasped his friend's shoulder.  
  
"MajorCarter could not hate you O'Neill."  
  
"I wish I could be so sure of that T, old friend."  
  
"I am certain of it."  
  
"Then you have more faith and confidence than I do buddy."  
  
"Had you not planned a vacation with her in a few weeks, O'Neill?" Teal'c asked.  
  
Jack wondered how he knew that as he had never said anything. Teal'c was always full of surprises, seeming to know everything about everyone on the base. He never said anything unless moved to for good reason.  
  
"How do you know that?" He could not resist the question.  
  
"Do I not know everything my friend?" Teal'c smiled and Jack could not help but respond with a grin.  
  
"Indeed you do, my friend, indeed you do." They were silent for a while then Teal'c spoke again.  
  
"Perhaps you should await your return from Minnesota before acting."  
  
How in hell had he known that he and Sam were planning a trip to his cabin? They had planned it a long time ago. It was to be their first time there together, her first visit. Fishing, lots of it. He smiled at what had become a euphemism for something else.  
  
"Good plan, Teal'c."  
  
They hardly spoke for the rest of Teal'c's watch, which was followed by Jack's own. Teal'c made no effort to move away when it came to Jack's turn, and Jack was reassured by his presence, not needing any further words to be exchanged.  
  
Jack ruminated about the planned vacation. They had never been away together for any longer than a weekend and the cabin trip was supposed to be for close on two weeks. Before Sam had been taken he had so been looking forward to it; they both had. Now it was a major concern. Should they still go? Would it be good for them? More to the point, would it be good for Sam?  
  
Jack decided they probably should go anyway; the break together might be just the thing to bring them back together. He longed for that badly, often feeling dejected and disconsolate that she was frequently so distant as she continued to push him away.  
  
They had argued a lot while he'd stayed at her house and she had tried to throw him out on a number of occasions, even threatening to get the locks changed. When he returned each night he feared she would have carried through with that threat. Although he could easily break in, he hated to contemplate her reaction if he did. She might even overreact sufficiently to call the police. That would be extremely embarrassing and call too much attention to his presence at her house. There would be no way to avoid the consequences back at the SGC and it didn't bear thinking about. So he trod carefully, on edge most of the time because of it. God he could use the break, but the cabin might not be the break he had hoped for.  
  
He pondered Teal'c's words about taking the initiative with Sam. He truly did not believe she would thank him for it and Teal'c's reassurances made him feel no differently. He decided to put off doing anything until after their vacation, suspecting that soon things would be taken out of his hands. Unbeknown to him, they already had been. Hammond had taken action and was demanding she see a counsellor.  
  
When he got back he went to Sam's as soon as possible. Once more she tried persuading him to leave. This time it was a reasoned plea and they discussed it like the two adults that they were, instead of screaming and shouting at each other.  
  
"Jack, I have to cope on my own. Last night proved that once and for all. I was fine. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me."  
  
She had been far from fine the previous night but was damned if she would tell him that. She needed the time on her own, to think without his presence. In the end he agreed to leave her overnight as long as he could call round each day after work. He hated to do it but hoped it might be the best thing for them. It depressed him, though. If they couldn't live in the same house together what hope was there for their future?  
  
The time planned for their vacation was fast approaching and he still pondered what to do. A couple of weeks of unrelieved Jack and Sam togetherness may not be a wise move. When he raised it she was non committal but in his head he still planned that they should go.  
  
His dream had been to make love to Sam in that place that was so magical and special to him. He fantasised about it frequently, but they hadn't had sex since the rescue and he couldn't see that changing any time soon.  
  
Jack knew that making love, or not doing so, was not the be all and end all but nevertheless it perturbed him. It wasn't even the sex he missed, but her presence, waking up with her beside him in the morning, the cuddling, caressing, and kissing. For crying out loud, they had never even progressed that far! Her rejections wounded him deeply but he had remembered similar feelings after Iraq. How Sara must have suffered; he empathised. Besides, he was far too much of a gentleman to push it too far. He would never try to force such a thing, it was unthinkable.  
  
Sam had been a long time off work and this worried him. He was relieved to discover that she had been called in for a psychological assessment. Hammond, thank the Lord, had arranged it with someone other than MacKenzie; she liked him no better than Jack did. Sam refused to talk about it, her subsequent appointments or her failure to return to the SGC, and Jack did not press.  
  
Instead he concentrated on the vacation ahead of them, organising every thing that was possible to do in advance. It seemed there was a hop due from Peterson to Minneapolis / St Paul that fit in very well with the timing and, assuming it would go ahead, he planned accordingly.  
  
Leading up to the vacation, he had continued to remind her, discussing things they should take, what perishables they would need before they arrived. Sometimes she was quite open and animated, but all too often she was listless and dismissive, not wanting to discuss it. He despaired but plodded on regardless. It helped to have something to plan for.  
  
The day before the scheduled hop he realised that she had packed nothing.  
  
"Sam what do you want to take with you? Shall I help you to pack?" He asked. He had wandered into her bedroom and was peering in the wardrobe.  
  
"Take where? For what?" He stiffened at her response. Crap!  
  
"My cabin, Sam, where else?"  
  
"Oh. Is that soon?"  
  
"Tomorrow. The hop is tomorrow." He forced a smile but it turned to a frown when she snapped at him.  
  
"I don't want to go there Jack. I don't want to go anywhere with you!" Her attitude took his breath away.  
  
"We've had it planned for months."  
  
"So what? I'm not coming with you."  
  
"Sam...!" She could hear the despair in his voice and felt inclined to twist the knife in still further.  
  
"Do you really think I have any desire to spend two weeks alone with you in the middle of nowhere?"  
  
Jack recoiled, saying nothing but leaving the room to recover his composure. He stormed to the kitchen before he totally lost it, helping himself to a beer from the refrigerator and breathing deeply to calm himself. It didn't work. This could not be happening. Noooooo! Finally, it was too much and he returned to confront her, unable to stand back any longer.  
  
"What the hell is with you? If you didn't want to go why didn't you say so before?"  
  
"I've changed my mind about going. Two weeks stuck in the country? Fishing? Let's face it, it's not really me is it?" Jack knew that wasn't true.  
  
"Sam you were looking forward to going. We both were. Please don't do this." This rejection nearly made him lose control. He was hurt, angry and upset, needed to get it out of his system, but wanted to maintain control. "Please don't tell me that you can't bare to spend two weeks with me." She knew he was hurting but, once again, her mood made her turn the knife.  
  
"I can't think of anything more boring. It's a waste of time." Boring? A waste of time? He felt like she had slapped him again. What was happening?  
  
"What have I done wrong Sam? Or are you just taking it out on me because I've let you get away with it? Tell me what's wrong, dammit! We haven't had sex in what seems like an age, and you won't even let me touch you most of the time! Why have you changed your mind about this, about us?"  
  
"I don't want you to touch me most of the time Jack! I don't want to have sex with you!" Jack's heart sank at these words; he was definitely going to lose it anytime now. "I never asked you to be here Jack. I've kept hinting that you should leave me alone but you just don't get it do you? I'm not taking anything out on you. You forced to behave like this to get rid of you!" It was the final straw for Jack.  
  
"You want rid of me? Fine, you're rid of me!" He raged back at her, stamping out of the room once more, towards the front door this time. His heart was pounding and felt ripped in two, but he was way more angry than conciliatory. Sam followed him like a malevolent presence.  
  
"Good!" She shouted, "I'm better off without you in my life."  
  
"You're saying this is it then? The end?"  
  
"Too damned right I am."  
  
"Fine." Screw it; he couldn't take any more of this.  
  
Once he was in his truck he realised he was shaking like a leaf. What have I done?  
  
Sam sat in her living room and burst into tears. She went off to find his dog tags and held them once more, as she had when she'd thought him dying in hospital. What have I done?  
  
The following day, Jack boarded the flight to Minneapolis / St. Paul, alone.  
  
TBC 


	11. Understandings and Misunderstandings Par...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 11: Double Exposure  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email: sufreundficwithfins.com  
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst / Romance  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: First Commandment, Shades of Grey  
  
Season: Future  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 10: Moments of Departure  
  
Rating: PG-13, but please read content warning  
  
Content Warnings: References to rape and termination of pregnancy. Use of relatively mild language and references to sex.  
  
Summary: Following his argument with Sam, and her rejection of him, Jack has gone alone to his cabin  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund  
  
File Size: 61 KB  
  
Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net  
  
Author's Note: Thanks to Bonnie (or Fulinn28) for allowing me to use her location and vision for Jack's cabin and its environs. She has a great eye for detail, which I borrowed in some places, and I will be forever grateful. Her cabin appears in her fics "Hearts", "Tree Top Candles", and "Drifting Snow", which all appear on our Fic with Fins website. Also thanks for her beta of this fic. A totally wonderful artwork by Jodi Marie, turned into a book cover by Fulinn28, illustrates this fic on my Fic with Fins website. The site address can be found in my FF Net profile.  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 11: Double Exposure  
  
Jack sat on his dock feeling lonely and depressed. He had promised himself that he would not give up on Sam, but he had. He'd done nothing much but think about that and their situation since he'd arrived two days ago. Why had Sam been so vile to him? What had he done wrong? He prayed that this was sometime temporary, something he could reverse when he returned to Colorado Springs. Sam had become integral to his life. First she was MIA and now this. How much heartache could he take?  
  
It hadn't taken him long to open up the cabin, make it habitable once more. He could stand a bit of dust but needed to do the vital chores like prime the water pump, get the generator working and bring in wood for the stove and fire. He always ensured the woodshed was well stocked before he left again. Being Jack O'Neill, he also made certain that all the non perishable essentials he kept at the cabin were replenished. He liked to prepare for any eventuality. On his last visit, he had made a note of things that were running low and picked those up on the way there.  
  
He did not feel inclined to do too much when he arrived after the two and a half hour flight and three hour drive. A ten mile hike would be less exhausting. What was it about travelling that was so tiring? So, those chores completed, he sat on his dock watching the sun go down over Lake Rose. It was a beautiful sunset and he wished Sam was there to share it.  
  
Over the last couple of days he'd spent a lot of time just sitting on the dock. It reminded him of his childhood, the visits with his grandmother and grandfather which he loved so much. He would sit out there with his grandfather and a fishing rod learning a lot about the relaxing and the cleansing properties of the act of fishing.  
  
It was a lie that he never caught anything; a joke he allowed to continue with his team. He didn't much care whether he caught anything; indeed he was not really sure that he liked to kill for pure sport. He did enough killing in his line of work. It was no way to relax in his off hours.  
  
Fish were not the point of fishing. He guessed some people might think that a little Zen like, but it worked for him. His granddaddy would also provide him with nuggets of wisdom while they sat there, and these held him in very good stead many times in his life. He figured he learned a lot more sitting there than school ever taught him.  
  
Tomorrow he planned to hike to Charlie's Place. He always thought of the waterfall that way; it had been their secret place when they came here. It took about three hours or so to walk there but was worth every minute. He pondered whether he would have taken Sam with him had she come. He wanted to, even though it had been kept as Charlie' secret place for all these years. He wanted to introduce her to Charlie. It was time. He had intended this act to give her something more of himself.  
  
Sadly it seemed that this was not to be. He had to admit to some nagging doubts about taking her. It belonged to him and Charlie. Maybe it was for the best. No, he shuddered at the thought, it was definitely not for the best that she wasn't here with him.  
  
He'd go alone, as usual, and probably just get himself more depressed. He didn't mind the depression, in fact welcomed it, wanting to feel as depressed as possible. Somehow it seemed fitting to wallow in his misery and self pity. Charlie's Place would be perfect.  
  
After that he would go back to Colorado early and try to reconcile with Sam; hope she wasn't totally intractable. He realised her behaviour might be Post Traumatic Stress driven and still held the hope that her cruel words were in her head but not in her heart. The long and the short of it was that they had broken up, and he could not leave it there. Sam was too important to him. But Charlie first. He needed that. He'd tell Charlie all about it; everything. Sometimes he'd sit for a long time talking to Charlie.  
  
Time for food, he thought, padding back into the cabin's kitchen. He opened the refrigerator and took out a beer. Appetiser? Aperitif? Now what to have for the main course? He wasn't even sure he was hungry but was damned if he was going to make himself ill by not eating.  
  
Jack was hurting badly and confused about both his feelings, and hers, so he vacillated. Anger, pain, sorrow, regret, followed by more anger, pain, sorrow and regret; this is what his last two days had comprised.  
  
One minute he would think that being here alone and leaving her behind was the best thing after all. It would give them both breathing room to think. He'd just got her back, and now he'd lost her again; maybe he'd win her heart once more when he returned. A moment later he'd be so angry that he didn't want to see her anymore. He didn't deserve to be treated like that and he wouldn't put up with it. She couldn't love him if she deliberately hurt him so badly. Confusion reigned supreme.  
  
When Jack tried to step back from it, which was hard, he knew that the sorrow and regret dominated his soul. He would beg and plead with her to have him back, if necessary. It saddened him even more that he was so pathetic he would forgive almost anything. Was he that desperate for her love? He wasn't sure he could deal with the loneliness, the emptiness, he'd felt before Sam. Jack hoped that talking to Charlie about it would help him, just like it had in the past.  
  
He checked his portable CD player and was happy with the disc already inside. Mozart, cool! He switched it on and heaved a satisfied sigh as the music started. Turning up the volume very loud, one of the advantages of having no close neighbours, he prepared a couple of sandwiches. Then he took them, the beer and the CD player, back out to the dock and sat admiring the view and contemplating his life, feet dangling in the cool, still waters below. The music's volume was turned so high that he didn't hear her arrive.  
  
It had taken Sam ages to find the right place, having called on various neighbours en route. Neighbours was a term to be interpreted loosely. These folks all lived a fair way from Jack's place.  
  
Sam had been fretting about the confrontation with Jack. She'd told him to leave her alone, was vehement about it. She'd even told him they were finished. She hoped he realised she didn't mean that but knew Jack too well. He lacked faith in himself and struggled to believe that she could truly love him.  
  
He'd been right, she had been taking it out on him. They say you always take things out on the ones you love. They were right too, whoever they were. He didn't deserve to be treated like that; none of this was his fault. It had taken her a while to come around to it but she decided she had to go and see him in Minnesota. A telephone call wasn't good enough; this needed to be face to face. Besides, this had been intended as their vacation.  
  
Teal'c had provided her with directions, up to a point, but she's needed to improvise. There were lots of winding dirt tracks in the area that looked like they might lead to Jack's cabin. She'd tried a few along the way, hence her meetings with his neighbours. They had all seemed impressed that he was getting a female visitor. She wondered what the grapevine around here was like and guessed it was probably very efficient. They normally were in small communities.  
  
Jack had been right about the country around here. It was truly beautiful. She was looking forward to seeing the cabin at last, although fearful of facing Jack and what she now needed to tell him.  
  
As Jack had locked the gate leading up towards the cabin, Sam had to leave the rental car and walk. She could hear familiar music playing and tried to dredge up the memory of it, but her mind was too full of others thoughts.  
  
When she rounded the bend and saw it she gasped. It was picturesque, perfect. The cabin itself was made of wood, had a nice long porch with a swing and some chairs. A large picture window overlooked the lake. The lake, and the countryside around the cabin, was stunning. It appeared to be an idyllic setting for relaxing.  
  
She saw him sitting on the dock, his feet dangling over the side, back to her, and watched for a short while. Almost paralysed with fear, she wondered whether she was ready to tell him what she needed to. Thoughts of his possible reaction terrified her. She had to face it so forced herself to put one foot in front of the other.  
  
Jack was caught up in the music; Mozart's Requiem Mass. It was a great piece, although Jack preferred the C minor Mass, and even some of his C Majors. However, it was sad and beautifully crafted. The last great work of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, completed by someone else after his untimely demise. Of course the so called mystery surrounding the commission of this work, and Mozart's death while composing it, made it more romantic and gave it a status that might be more than it deserved, especially when compared with his other church works. However, almost everything composed by Mozart was pure genius.  
  
He suddenly sensed her presence. Sam? She's here? He turned to confirm his gut feeling and, when he saw her, stood and switched the CD player down so it was barely audible. Well this was something wholly unexpected.  
  
"Sam." He uttered it almost under his breath. After all these years the sight of her could still make his heart race. Sam could see the pain in his eyes and posture from where she stood.  
  
"Jack." She moved closer, noticing he hadn't shaved for the couple of days he'd been here; the stubble suited him.  
  
Jack said nothing; didn't know what to say or what was expected. He felt awkward, had never imagined this would happen. Sam knew that an apology wasn't nearly good enough. She had practised what she might say but this was reality, not fiction.  
  
"Got another one of those?" She asked, pointing to his beer, and an image of Daniel suddenly came to his mind. Daniel at his door in Colorado Springs a few years back when Jack had pretended to go dark side on them all and was forced into 'retirement'. Hurriedly, he shifted his focus entirely back to her, not wanting to remember the pain from back then; he had enough of that to contend with right now.  
  
She was attempting to ease the tension. Neither of them moved and simply stared at each other silently. Jack was the one who broke the spell by shifting uncomfortably and staring down at his feet.  
  
All the while his mind was frantically racing about how he should behave, what he should say, and what she wanted and would say. Sam had noticed the confusion amongst the pain. She wasn't sure that what she would tell him was going to help any.  
  
"You found the place." He was dismayed at the inanity of their words so far, needing more from Sam.  
  
"I got a bit lost. I think all your neighbours know you've got a female visitor. I went to all the wrong places first. I hope you don't mind them knowing. It's bound to get around."  
  
Mind? He'd be proud to have that sort of gossip spread about him and Sam; she was a very attractive woman. These days folks around these parts had him pegged as a loner, and possibly a bit of a grouch too. He wasn't exactly a social butterfly when he came to Minnesota. Some gossip might improve his reputation no end.  
  
"Um... I'll get you that beer. Stay here."  
  
"I'd love to see the cabin." Sam ventured.  
  
"No! Not now. Later."  
  
He was emphatic. For some reason Jack didn't want her inside his cabin until they had resolved something. This was his sanctuary and he would brook no invasion. He had to know why she was here first. Did her appearance mean she hadn't intended for them to break up? Yes, probably. Should he be so quick to forgive? Possibly not but he probably would. Should he give her a hard time before being so magnanimous? The jury was out on that one; it depended on what she said and did now.  
  
While she waited Sam sat down on the dock dangling her legs as he had. She wondered why he didn't want her in the cabin. When he returned he passed her the beer but remained standing. She recognised his defensive posture. Who could blame him? After a few moments of silence he spoke.  
  
"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong Sam? Or have you come all this way for something else?" She stood up to look him in the eye.  
  
"I don't want to lose you." Her soft voice lulled him.  
  
"Well you got one heck of a way of showing it." It was not uttered with any vehemence, just a simply stated, heart felt fact.  
  
"I know." She paused, confessing at last, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid."  
  
"Of me?" He was startled and perturbed. "I would never hurt you Sam. Surely you know that." She could see the shock, fear and pain in his expression.  
  
"Not like you think." Jack said nothing, waiting for her to continue. "I'm pregnant." She hadn't wanted to blurt it out like that but what other way was there to tell him?  
  
"What? I..." He was stunned. He was going to be a father? A smile lit his face. "But that's great Sam." The smile turned to a frown when he saw her expression.  
  
"No it isn't." That hurt. "Jack, its not yours" Jack recoiled at that implication, which twisted a knife even further into his gut, feeling tears pricking at the back of his eyes. Oh God! He thought. She'd been unfaithful to him, something he could never imagine himself being. Who? When? Cool it Jack, hide it, and bury it. His confusion heightened.  
  
"Oh. I see. I..." He started coldly.  
  
"No Jack, it's not like that. Not what you think..." She hesitated.  
  
"Exactly how is it then?" His tone was scornful.  
  
"I haven't been having an affair."  
  
"Oh, so it's the Immaculate Conception?" He could not help the sarcasm and bitterness. He wanted to smash something, beat his head against a wall. His eyes turned icy and Sam shuddered. When he did that he could be pretty scary. He'd put the shutters up, sealed himself off from his feelings.  
  
"Jack please...! It's not... Goddammit, I..." Small droplets of water threatened to brim at her eyelashes, "I was raped Jack, when I was captured by the Jaffa..." she tailed off, unable to continue.  
  
Immediately she saw the shutters open up again. He'd reconnected. Not wanting him to see her fighting the tears she turned from him to face the lake.  
  
"Sam I..."  
  
Jack took a few of steps and wrapped his arms around her from behind. She stiffened, but he persisted and she didn't push him away. He could feel her shaking in his arms.  
  
"Sam. My poor Sam." He whispered. "You didn't tell me. Why didn't you say anything?"  
  
He was hoping to hell that this was what their recent estrangement from each other was all about. If it was this, not him, maybe he could fix it. He so much wanted to fix it. He recalled it hadn't been the first time he had felt like this as far as she was concerned. Raped? Pregnant? How did he fix that? He felt helpless and that frustrated him.  
  
Normally he maintained control, and he liked that. Sometimes he scared himself when he lost it, and this relationship had spun him out of control many times. Would their lives forever be this constant battle? Just as everything seemed so right, something would go disastrously wrong. Their whole relationship seemed to be a series of understandings and misunderstandings.  
  
"I don't know." She paused. "Shame and self loathing, maybe. I couldn't fight them off Jack, I was too weak and helpless.... " She started to sob. "I hate myself for that."  
  
"You blame yourself? God, Sam... this isn't your fault." He rocked her gently. "Please don't do this to yourself."  
  
"I feel dirty and sullied. How can you bear to touch me?" Her voice was small and weaker than Jack had ever heard it. He hated seeing Sam like this; someone who was normally so strong.  
  
A dry sob came unbidden in reaction to her devastation and sense of failure and he choked it back, not knowing what to do or say to make it better. Jack had no experience of this sort of thing; wasn't exactly well known for his tact, diplomacy, or counselling skills. He was scared he screwed it all up and made things worse. There was only one thing he could say.  
  
"I love you Sam. I love you so much. Tell me what you want me to do. Anything you want Sam. You know I'd do anything for you, don't you? God, I need to fix this; I can't bear what this is doing to us. Help me to help you." He petered out, unable to say more.  
  
Sitting down with her on the dockside, he held her close, caressing her hair softly. It made her happy that Jack was so supportive but she was aware that she still had things to tell him and she finally plucked up the courage. This confession was what she feared most.  
  
"This isn't the first time Jack."  
  
She could not bring herself to look at him, scared of his reaction. Men could be strange about these things, thinking it was all the woman's fault; that she asked for it. As if a woman would want something like that to happen. She was scared that Jack might believe that and hated herself for thinking he might.  
  
"That you've been raped?" Sam nodded and Jack was horrified. "Do you want to tell me?" She nodded again, but didn't speak for quite a while.  
  
"I'll get over it this time. I did before."  
  
"Did you?"  
  
He doubted that. Jack knew damned well that this wasn't the sort of thing that a woman ever truly recovered from. Sam guessed from his tone that he doubted her and she couldn't argue that point. What she wanted to tell him now was evidence of her lie. She wasn't sure why she needed to tell him this, which was ancient history, but was reluctant to speak of her more recent assault; she just did. She nuzzled into his neck and he could feel her quiet sobbing. He just continued to hold and caress her gently, trying to reassure her that he was there come what may.  
  
"I've never told you about my relationship with Jonas Hanson." She started, once she had regained some composure. Jack had been dreading this after Jacob had implied Jack might be too like Jonas, worried what implications it might have for them. The bastard had raped her?  
  
"Jonas was controlling. He liked everything his own way. He wanted to possess me, not love me; he just thought it was love. I was dumb enough to think so too. I've learned differently, Jack. It's something you taught me." She smiled up at him, but her eyes still held sorrow and pain. "Dad was scared you'd be like him, but you aren't. I think he's caught onto that now. You treat me with respect. Jonas never respected me or my opinion. My self esteem wasn't very rock solid." I guess it still isn't, she thought, without voicing it. "I didn't believe I deserved his respect so I never expected him to give it. Sometimes it's looking back that makes you see things in their proper light, you know?" She paused for a long time and Jack wondered if she really wanted to talk about it.  
  
"Sam, if you don't want to talk about this I'll understand. Really I will." He kissed her hair and squeezed her gently.  
  
"I know, Jack. I do wanna talk about it. I haven't talked about it in years; hardly spoke of it back when it happened. I just... I don't know what you will think. I..."  
  
"Hey... shh. Sam, I love you. Nothing you could say to me is going to change that; you have to know it. And if you don't know it then you have to believe me when I tell you that now."  
  
She knew he loved her, even though he didn't tell her much. He hadn't needed to. Almost everything he did when they were together shouted it loud and clear to her. It wasn't his love but his respect that she was scared of losing. Nevertheless, she continued, but not without some trepidation.  
  
"He always held my hand in public but never in private, as if it was to show everyone else that he owned me. It wasn't an indication of his feelings for me."  
  
Jack knew he wasn't guilty of doing that. They were constantly touching, holding hands, and each other. It was a very hands on, tactile, relationship; or had been until her abduction. He figured he could hold her hand all night, never saying a word, and it would still make him happy. He'd never seen himself as anyone special, but she had a knack of making him feel that way. It was a gift.  
  
Their problem was almost the reverse; the inability to display their feelings and relationship in public. It was one of the hateful things about having this relationship behind people's backs. It was limiting, and it cheapened their love. He couldn't allow it to continue like that. They had to be in a position to be a normal couple. Only he could make it so. He had to resign; it was the only way out of this mess.  
  
"We hadn't been getting along. I was starting to rebel against his control. He didn't like that. Losing control over other people was not an option with him." Jack had seen the evidence of that with his own eyes. "One night he was insistent that we attend a party. I didn't want to go. Instead of giving way, as normal, I stood my ground. It infuriated him." Her voice cracked a little as she recounted it and she broke off.  
  
"Sam, you don't have to finish this. You don't need to say anything." Jack assured her. She squeezed his hand, grateful for his support.  
  
"I need to tell you." He nodded and she composed herself to continue. He felt sick inside for her.  
  
"I was taking off the glad rags, changing into something more casual, and he grabbed me and pulled me onto the bed. He was brutish and violent and wouldn't take no for an answer. I don't think you need me to fill in the blanks. I couldn't fight him off, Jack. I couldn't. I should have been able to. I should have tried harder. I was torn between fear, disgust and my love for him."  
  
Why is it that women blame themselves when this happens to them? He asked himself. Jack did not prescribe to the theory that no meant yes, that someone asked for it. He would never force himself on a woman. He had doubts and delved deep into himself to confirm it. He had done some bad things in his time, things he could probably never tell anyone about, but assaulting or raping a woman? No! Never!  
  
Murder was worse though, wasn't it? Thou shalt not kill? He had done a lot of that, too much, and sometimes in distasteful and dubious circumstances. It was not possible to excuse all his actions by saying he was merely following orders. One had to take responsibility for ones own actions, not act like an automaton in the face of doubt. One had to stand up and be counted. Too much happened in this universe because people didn't do that.  
  
He was no moral compass for anything; could not hold himself up to be a judge and jury. Holding a mirror up to himself and looking closely, he found himself wanting. He was capable of anything and that was not a comforting thought.  
  
He fervently hoped that Sam didn't doubt him as much as he doubted himself. The closest he had come to forcing Sam to do anything was when he had persisted in staying at her place despite her protests. He wondered whether she considered that a violation. He had never intended it to be that way but could see how it might be perceived like it. It began to eat at him and he wanted to ask but knew this wasn't the time. All this raged through his head in seconds and he was about to speak, angry with himself, when she continued.  
  
"Dad never knew the half of it. He never knew about that."  
  
It was a relief that, if Jacob didn't know, then his doubts about Jack could not be based on believing him capable of such an act. Jacob had probably thought Jack might be dominating, like Jonas, never giving her the real love she wanted and deserved, or a sharing and mutually supportive relationship.  
  
"What did you do?" A small laugh escaped from her mouth.  
  
"Trained in the next level of self defence and hand to hand combat." Right on Sam, kick ass!  
  
"Did he try to force you again?" Jack hoped she'd thumped him good and proper although he was not shocked or surprised by her next words.  
  
"No, he never had to. Jack, I hated myself for being fooled by him, for allowing him to take control. Not just the rape, the relationship. Even after the rape I carried on as if nothing had happened. Stayed with him, let him have sex whenever he wanted it. It took a long time for me to have the courage to get rid of him. I still thought I deserved it."  
  
She looked into Jack's eyes, wanting to gauge his feelings, not understanding why he might want to be with this weak and pathetic woman she had just described. She saw nothing but love and sorrow there so decided to continue.  
  
"It's weird, you know? I feel more about what happened back then than I do about what happened recently. I can allow myself to believe that I was 'injured' in the line of duty. But what happened brought back my past to haunt me with a vengeance. Am I some kind of freak?"  
  
"Sam..."  
  
"Please Jack, just let me talk." She felt a deep need to tell him almost everything, desperately wanting him to understand but scared it would irrevocably change them, and his view of her. How could it not?  
  
"He thought he was better than me... had a God given right..." She paused, taking a deep breath and clearly nervous of speaking. Jack wondered why but did not interrupt her. "I sometimes wonder how I managed to get myself out of that rut. I hated myself for staying, keep allowing him to dominate me, hated the idea of leaving. I think my self respect bottomed, a spiral into self destruction, so I don't really know what shred of dignity I used to claw my way out, but there must have been some there somewhere I guess. I know I got myself out of it kicking and screaming all the way - against myself, not him. It wasn't easy. It would have been far easier to stay, accept his actions as love and viciously decline into something even worse. See what he turned into. Thank God I escaped the worst of it. How could I have ever loved him, Jack? How can I ever forgive myself for that?"  
  
She started to sob against Jack's shoulder and he had to suppress an urge to join in with her tears. It hurt like hell to see her like this. It was so unlike her and he hated to see her pain and confusion, although he was grateful that she wanted to tell him. She had said she was over it. That was clearly untrue and he realised that she knew it too. She still hated herself for Jonas. For letting him control her, rape her, and then staying with him even after that; for loving him. She still couldn't respect herself quite as much as she should. He knew she would probably always feel like that and he wanted to cry for her.  
  
Jack thought if he had known even a small part of this he would never have let her near Hanson on P3X-513, never have let her on the mission at all. He would have had the guy out of the SGC pronto, if he was lucky and made it out alive! This had hurt Sam intensely and fundamentally, probably irreparably. Things like that did. He wished he could kill Jonas Hanson; that he wasn't already dead by someone else's hand.  
  
Jack had to admit he was surprised and perplexed by her confession. Sam had always seemed such a strong person and her strength and stature had grown over the years he had known her. It was hard for him to perceive her as this different person she told him about; that she had been so lacking in self respect and courage in her past. She could have taken control of her situation and yet chose not to. It gave him pause for thought. Was Sam the woman he'd always thought her to be? He could not imagine what circumstances had made her sink that low.  
  
It occurred to him that this was one of the things that scared Sam, that he would think less of her, lose his respect for her. Once again he had to dig deep within himself to ponder that. Introspection had never been his strong point but he seemed to be getting a lot of practice lately.  
  
He'd known Sam a long time but never like that. He had never suspected that such a thing might lurk under the surface, that she might have this lack of self regard that was still a kernel in the middle of her heart.  
  
None of us are what we appear, he thought; most of us hide so much in the murky depths of our souls. Did she think he would judge and condemn her? Who was he to do that? He had already decided he was not worthy to play that particular role. Had his respect for her diminished? He hoped to God he was not that shallow. Eventually he spoke.  
  
"Sam you can't hate yourself forever for loving the wrong man."  
  
She was surprised at his accurate perception of her feelings. Why the surprise? Jack was an intelligent guy; she should never underestimate him.  
  
"Eventually I got the courage to dump him. He kept pestering me but was suddenly and mysteriously posted a long way away. I always wondered if Dad had something to do with that. It wouldn't surprise me but I never asked. It was a relief."  
  
"You must have been horrified when he turned up at the SGC."  
  
"You could say that."  
  
"You never reported him?"  
  
"Jack. Get real. This is the Air Force. I valued my career too much."  
  
"Things have changed Sam."  
  
"Yeah, sure." She didn't sound convinced and he was not going to try changing her mind. She knew better than he did what it was to be a woman in the Air Force. Who was he to know for sure?  
  
"It's not right to blame yourself." He felt her stiffen slightly, obviously unwilling to accept or acknowledge this. "You get kicked in the teeth and you think it's your fault? That it's right? Well it isn't Sam, that's all I'm saying."  
  
She said nothing. Jack knew that this would impact on the rest of their lives and regretted that. He had dreamed about them being happy and it seemed so unlikely now. Rape, pregnancy, her past. It was a lot to absorb and hadn't really sunk in.  
  
No wonder Sam had shunned him. The touch of a man must have been like a nightmare. As for sex, the whole idea probably made her feel sick. He shuddered at the possible implications for them. Pregnant too?  
  
"I'm not like him Sam, Jonas Hanson. I hope you genuinely mean it when you say you think that."  
  
"I know it Jack. I'm certain of it."  
  
She had never trusted any person in her life as much as she trusted this man who held her so tenderly. Believing her, he gently squeezed her in response and she took his hand. It seemed a long time since they had been so close, both physically and mentally.  
  
"I don't know what to do about the baby, Jack. You have to help me decide."  
  
"Sam, something like that... it's your choice. It's your life we are talking here."  
  
"I think the man I want to spend the rest of my life with deserves a say in our fate, Jack. This will affect you too."  
  
Jack gulped. The rest of her life? It was what he wanted but it surprised him to hear her say it. He felt blessed. She wanted to spend her life with him. He could ask for nothing more. This might not be the best time to vocalise that kind of commitment. Sam was feeling raw and vulnerable and he was still reeling from the shock of her revelations.  
  
He had never wanted to think too hard about her getting raped while she was captive. It had always been a possibility and he was surprised it had never happened to one of them before now. Anger boiled up within. It wasn't directed at Sam, but towards her aggressor. Or was it aggressors? That seemed more likely. Hadn't she said that she couldn't fight 'them' off? Oh God, poor Sam.  
  
He had to ensure that she never thought him angry with her even for one second. So he bottled it up; she needed to be reassured, not unsettled and upset. He wished he'd made sure that all of those bastard Jaffa were dead when they'd rescued her. He wished a lot of things. It was his fault she had been taken. It was another thing he would never be able to forgive himself for. He fought his feelings. This was not about him it was about her. He should concentrate on her.  
  
"Do you want to tell me what happened on the planet?" He whispered it softly, not sure he should ask.  
  
"I... I don't know. It was... horrible."  
  
"It's alright Sam. Whenever you want to, if you ever want to. No pressure, ok?" Another gentle squeeze.  
  
How could she fail to love this man? She thought. All her fears over his reaction had been unfounded. She had known and served with him for all these years and he could still surprise her on a fundamental level. She should have known and felt terrible for doubting him. After all this time together and she didn't really know him? It was an alarming train of thought. Maybe she could blame the trauma and hormones but she wondered how much her fears, doubts and behaviour were rooted in that past she had just described.  
  
His muscular arms were comforting and she felt safe enclosed within them. Absently she stroked his forearm. She found his forearms sensual, masculine and strong and loved the feel of them wrapped around her protectively. Jack sighed at her touch. It was good to be connected with her again. How long would it last this time? He was wary of another mood swing.  
  
"Jack, it's so beautiful here." She changed the subject. Maybe one day she could say something about her more recent experience, but not right now. There had been more than one Jaffa, more than one occasion. They had watched, malicious and malignant. She didn't want to tell him about any of that. Not yet, maybe never.  
  
Jack had to confront her about the other problem, however much she might not want it. He sat in silence for a long time, simply holding her, before he spoke.  
  
"What do you want to do about the baby Sam?"  
  
"I don't know. The Doc recommended a termination. It's an alien's child, after all. No one knows what would happen."  
  
"Jaffa aren't that different to us."  
  
"Different enough."  
  
That was probably true, Jack thought. There was that whole immune system thing, after all. Teal'c might know. It can't be the first time this had happened. Jack couldn't envisage asking him any time soon. Hey old buddy, old pal, what do you get when you cross a Jaffa with a human? It sounded like a sick joke. Besides, he would say nothing to anyone unless Sam wanted him to. She needed to trust him, and he very much wanted that.  
  
"I'm not sure what I think about a termination, Jack."  
  
"You want to keep the baby?"  
  
"I don't know."  
  
"I'll support you; whatever you want; whatever you choose."  
  
"That's no help."  
  
"Oh! Isn't it?" Surely she wanted his support? He sounded disappointed and perplexed. Sam picked up on his feelings immediately and turned her face to his.  
  
"I mean to help me make up my mind Jack." Pausing, she looked at him. "You'd help me raise another man's child?" She sounded doubtful.  
  
In all truth, Jack wasn't sure how he really felt about that. Raising a baby born of hatred and rape held no appeal whatever. On the other hand, it wasn't the baby's fault and maybe he could even learn to love it as his own. He dreamed of having a child or two with Sam, but he had wanted them to be his.  
  
Jack had been raised a Catholic. He was very badly lapsed nowadays but wasn't entirely sure he liked the idea of a termination. He pondered this contradiction because he did not wholly subscribe to the Catholic view of abortion and thought he believed in the right to choose. It was a fine theory when applied to someone else's life but what about his own?  
  
This pregnancy was not something that had been chosen or planned. It had been forced on Sam in the most violent and humiliating way possible. Not only that but if there was the slightest risk to Sam that a Jaffa fathered baby could be detrimental to her physical wellbeing, he was not prepared to let her risk herself. He knew only too well what it felt like to lose her and wasn't about to let it happen again if he had any say in it. If it was his own child he would feel the same way. He could never choose a baby over her, no matter how much he wanted it. In this case he wasn't even certain that he wanted it. Although full of misgivings, he voiced none of them.  
  
"This is all such a shock Sam I don't know what to think. I want you to be happy and if that makes you happy then I guess I would."  
  
Sam wasn't sure she wanted to raise this child, with or without Jack, but it pleased her that he would be so unerringly loyal. It was a surprise that he didn't seem to judge her. He thought more highly of her than she did of herself. She imagined a different outcome to this conversation if the pregnancy was the result of deliberate infidelity.  
  
As she thought further she corrected herself, believing that Jack would have supported her even then. For the first time she truly began to comprehend his depth of feeling for her. He would sacrifice anything, do anything. She hadn't realised that his love was so totally unconditional and was awed by it. Sam was ashamed she could have behaved like such a bitch in the face of this man's love and devotion.  
  
"I have an appointment to see someone about the pregnancy when I get back."  
  
"Then there's still time to think about it. No pressure, right?"  
  
She smiled a response and Jack was tempted to kiss those curving lips but didn't dare. He wanted her to feel safe with him; that he would never force anything physical between them. She had to be ready, and make the choice. She was allowing him to hold her in comfort and that was a first step towards getting their lives back together. It was good enough for now. She would send him a sign when she was ready; he would know.  
  
So he would do nothing to make her think that the physicality of their relationship was paramount. They'd still be together when they were beyond the sex, right? Although he could hardly even imagine that such a time would come. Nevertheless, he could live without it as he had for many years before they finally got together. There were more important things than that. Many more.  
  
He was right, there was still time to think about it. Knowing that the pressure was off for now helped her relax. They sat in silence again, his arms still enfolding her, and watched the sunset. He had claimed that the sunsets over the lake were awesome and she agreed, thinking she had never seen one so beautiful. Watching it with him was soothing, and maybe his presence enhanced its beauty.  
  
"Do you want something to eat?" He asked out of the blue as it darkened. So like him to mention food when he was feeling slightly overwhelmed or uncomfortable. She shook her head and sensed his trepidation once more when he continued. "Are you staying long Sam?"  
  
"Until we have to go back. If that's alright with you. This is our vacation. We've planned it for months."  
  
He smiled and kissed her forehead. She seemed alright with that. He was happy she was staying. Maybe this would turn out well after all.  
  
"Let me show you round the cabin." He stood and took her hand, leading her into his beloved sanctuary.  
  
It was dark inside and Jack went round lighting it. Sam looked around with interest. To the right of the hallway was the living room, with the picture window along one side and large fieldstone fireplace dominating the adjacent wall. The fireplace also had a couple of bread ovens. Quaint. She'd bet they never got used. The décor and furniture was all very Jack. As she moved further into the room she saw the breakfast bar, which separated this cosy living space from the kitchen. She hadn't seen an old ice box like that in years, although she noticed that he also had a relatively modern refrigerator.  
  
He started to explain how things worked; the stove, and the water pump in case it was required. She was curious as to what lay beyond his back door so he opened it to show her the shed outside where he kept the wood pile for the stove and fire, and the power generator, without which most of the things inside the house wouldn't function. As they were there he explained how to work the generator, but thought someone with Sam's technical expertise probably wouldn't have a problem figuring it out for herself.  
  
Jack always kept supplies for potential emergencies, so he showed her where candles, batteries and the like were stored, just to be on the safe side. One never knew when an emergency might occur in these parts, and it paid to be prepared.  
  
"What's that?" she asked, pointing to a screened off area. He took her to look. "A hot tub? Wow!"  
  
Jack had hoped to get in there with her while they were here. He fantasised them making love, although wasn't sure it was practical. They could certainly get up to some pretty decent foreplay. Maybe next time, he thought. It seemed there would be one. She had a life planned for them. He was walking on clouds, despite the horror of her disclosures.  
  
Taking her back inside he led her to the den at the other side of the living room. It was a mess but she said nothing about that, just 'Nice!' and rolled her eyes to the ceiling. He'd seen her do that a hundred times when she was slightly impatient or humouring him.  
  
Leading her up the stairs he showed her the bathroom and bedrooms. Taking her into the master bedroom he said,  
  
"You sleep in here. I'll take a spare room." He took for granted that she would not want to sleep in the same bed as him. Sam was relieved, and grateful for his patience and understanding. Jack O'Neill was one hell of a guy. You might never guess that Colonel O'Neill was like this unless he let you take a peek inside.  
  
She insisted that she have the spare room so he could continue to sleep in his own bed. They argued the toss and he finally gave way to her. It wasn't worth wasting energy on the argument. The spare room would be perfectly comfortable.  
  
"Where's the car Sam?"  
  
"Other side of your gate."  
  
"I'll fetch your luggage."  
  
He went downstairs and dug out a flashlight. By now it was dark and he would hardly be able to see one foot in front of the other without one. Jack wondered whether anyone would notice if he purloined a pair of those night goggles from the SGC. A pair of those out here would be really cool. Two pairs; one for Sam.  
  
Sam had only brought a very small bag. She packed light. He hoped she had enough stuff with her, and that it was practical for the middle of nowhere. God Jack stop fretting, he thought, the woman is a Major in the USAF, of course she knows how to pack.  
  
In the end he made some food and insisted that she eat something. To his surprise, she obeyed. They listened to music for the rest of the night until going to bed.  
  
Sam hadn't been sleeping that well. If she was tired enough she would fall asleep but almost inevitably woke up after a couple of hours and found it hard to go back again. This time she did not wake of her own volition. With a start she realised that Jack was calling out and rushed to his room, standing in his doorway, much as she had on that previous occasion after his auto accident. He was having nightmares again. Had she brought this on him? Sitting in his bed she shook him gently.  
  
"Jack? Jack!"  
  
He woke up wild eyed and then saw it was her. He was sweating and trembling so she pulled herself further onto his bed and held him in comfort.  
  
"It's ok Jack, its ok."  
  
"Shouldn't you be the one with nightmares?" He asked, in that flippant tone that told her he was defensive again.  
  
"I do Jack, believe me, I do."  
  
As they held each other consolingly Jack worried. Did they need each other too much? He thought that the best relationship was one in which your love exceeded your need for each other. Unsure where he had heard it, perhaps one of the pearls of wisdom passed on by his grandfather, he believed it to be true.  
  
He didn't want their relationship to be like that, choosing not to believe they were co-dependent. They had known each other, been friends and colleagues, for a long time. Over those few years they had shared more than most people would share in a whole lifetime. As a result, their relationship was very different to most people's. This was not co- dependency, it was intense and abiding friendship and love. It was nothing like he had ever encountered, even with his ex-wife, and he had thought about it a lot.  
  
He couldn't bring himself to tell her about his nightmare. It was not rooted in his past but in his present and future; Sam and their relationship. The memory of it was jumbled, as it always was with a sleeping memory, but he remembered enough and it had struck fear into his heart. It had been about the death of their intimacy and love. Her embrace helped it to fade from his reality and placated him.  
  
When she pulled away he felt deflated but was surprised when she crawled into bed and wrapped him in her arms once more. They fell asleep like that and both of them slept easily for the rest of the night, not thinking about what tomorrow might bring. When he awoke next morning she was gone.  
  
TBC in Part 12  
  
Footnote Thanks to Aligater for her thoughts, input, and patience, after seemingly endless e-mail discussions about the relationship between Sam Carter and Jonas Hanson. 


	12. Understandings and Misunderstandings Par...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 12: Rejoining  
  
Author: Su Freund  
  
Email:   
  
Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)  
  
Status: Series  
  
Category: Angst / Romance  
  
Pairings: Jack & Sam  
  
Spoilers: First Commandment  
  
Season: Future  
  
Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 11: Double Exposure  
  
Rating: PG-13. An NC-17 version of this fic can be found on my site. See author's notes.  
  
Content Warnings: References to rape and termination of pregnancy. Use of mild language and references to sex.  
  
Summary: Jack and Sam visit Charlie's secret place  
  
Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author. Copyright © 2004 Su Freund  
  
File Size: 62 KB  
  
Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net  
  
Author's Note: 1. Thanks once more to Bonnie (or Fulinn28) for allowing me to use her location and vision for Jack's cabin and its environs - and Charlie's secret place. Her cabin appears in her fics "Hearts", "Tree Top Candles", and "Drifting Snow", which all appear on our Fic with Fins website. Also for her beta of this fic. I am forever grateful for her suggestions and advice.  
  
2. Thanks again to Aligater for her thoughts, input, and patience, after endless e-mail discussions about the relationship between Sam Carter and Jonas Hanson.  
  
3. A wonderful S&J photo manipulation by Jodie Marie illustrates this fic on my site. This has been made into a great book cover by Fulinn28, and can also be found in Jodie Marie's art gallery. If you are interested in seeing this fan art, or reading the NC-17 version of this fic, go to the Fic with Fins site.  
  
Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 12: Rejoining  
  
Jack's heart wrenched painfully, panicking that Sam had left him alone again. Surely she can't have gone! Hurriedly he got out of bed and threw on a pair of jeans and shirt. He quietly opened the door to the spare room hoping to see her shape beneath the covers, the rise and fall of her breath. She wasn't here.  
  
After he had filled more pressing needs in the bathroom, he rushed downstairs and saw no sign of her. Then he noticed a pot of coffee on the breakfast bar. It was still hot. She must be here, outside drinking coffee, he thought, and helped himself to some.  
  
He found her sitting on the porch, obviously deep in thought and oblivious to his presence. Watching for a moment before approaching, once more he was stunned by her beauty and bearing. Sam! His emotions for this woman were incredible, overwhelming and frightening. Sam! This time he unwittingly exclaimed it aloud and when she turned he could see she looked like she had been crying. Jack was reluctant to approach, cautious and nervous, dreading rejection, humiliation and pain.  
  
"Sam...? Honey...?" he said, tentatively.  
  
Sam sensed his hesitation, understanding his reasons, and felt his pain and anguish. I have totally screwed up this relationship, she thought. I've given heart ache where it was undeserved. So she reached out her hand. Immediately he walked over, put his coffee on the table and crouched in front of her, taking the proffered hand in his own and stoking her cheek gently with his thumb. No rejection, no humiliation. However, he was still in pain; it could take a while to stop it rotting his insides. This was his Sam, his greatest love, his future, and his life, and she was hurting. It didn't sit well with him at all.  
  
"It's okay, Jack, we'll be okay." She whispered and he fervently hoped that was true but greatly feared that it wasn't.  
  
"Will we?" He asked, simply, tears pricking at his own eyes.  
  
He fought them off. He had to be strong for her, for both of them, compensate for her own current weakness. She leaned down to kiss his forehead, returning his sweet caress with her own. Her fingers searched his face, soft and loving, and he closed his eyes at the touch, every nerve in his body desperate for the love and comfort.  
  
"Do you doubt me?" She asked and he nodded, determined not to lose the battle he waged with his tear ducts. It was a battle he had won so many times, even when Charlie had died, but he was teetering on the edge and could feel himself falling. God give me strength, he prayed, just one more time.  
  
Sam, was not surprised by his doubt, nevertheless it was painful to her. She had hurt him so badly and it was something else to hate herself for. Add it to the list. She wasn't sure she could comfort him. She could tell him it wasn't him, or them, she feared; it was her and her past. It wasn't entirely true, though. Her past affected them in the present; her fear and self loathing threatened them, could destroy them. It wasn't what she wanted. She wanted her and Jack to be forever. All her uncertainty and self doubt was their biggest obstacle. Jonas Hanson had a lot to answer for; he had come back to haunt her with a vengeance, just like he had always threatened to. Damn you Jonas!  
  
"I feel your pain Jack. I truly never intended to hurt you like that. I hate myself for it."  
  
"Please don't hate yourself Sam, please!"  
  
It was a plea from his heart. He knew what self-loathing was all about; been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt. Sometimes that demon had faced him down and won but mostly he could thwart it, beat it back and deny it. However, it was always there. He realised that it was the same for her. She might have different reasons for feeling it but, essentially, she held it deep inside, always. It wasn't right that she should feel this way. Why was life so unfair? Once again he felt his heart crushing, the tear ducts wanting to open; he could hardly catch his breath.  
  
"I was thinking about Jonas." She said.  
  
Jack was starting to hate the very sound of that name. The bastard had damaged Sam and that was unacceptable. It bothered Jack that he was so helpless to act. He was a man of action who would do anything to help and protect his friends. Why is it that humans so frequently try their best to self-destruct?  
  
"Tell me Sam, talk to me." He urged.  
  
"I'm still scared Jack."  
  
"That I'll leave you? That I'll hate you? That I'll never be able to look you in the eye again? That just ain't gonna happen. You'll never lose me Sam. It's time you understood that. I know a different you. The real you. It's been a lot of years."  
  
"What if that was the real me? Actually, it was the real me!"  
  
"The you that let him treat you that way? Put up with it? Loved it?"  
  
His gaze into her eyes was unwavering and she could see his disbelief there, his faith in her. That faith was a wonderful thing, it always had been, but she feared it was misplaced.  
  
"Yes but..." She hesitated, "but that's not all."  
  
He continued staring into her soul, one hand still holding hers, the other lulling her with its caress of her face and hair. It gave her an indescribable feeling of reassurance.  
  
"Tell me?" Jack's knees were beginning to speak to him, protesting the kneeling position. He bit back the pain, determined not to break this moment. After a while she spoke again.  
  
"I could hardly tell the difference between pain and love. How pathetic is that? He entwined them inextricably. I felt empty, a hollow numbness. The only thing that gave me real joy was my work. I guess that's why I'm such a workaholic. The domination, the rape, that wasn't all it was. There was more to him than that. There were good things too. But he made me feel like a kindred soul, brought out a dark side of me that I didn't know existed. I...I can't put it into words Jack. I'm sorry, it's hard. There's so much you don't know about me."  
  
"Ditto Sam. Me too. For crying out loud, it's something that's in all of us. Darkness. It wants our souls and we are lucky if it doesn't take them. Don't you think I haven't considered my own inner core a threat? It could destroy us. There are things about me that I'm not sure I could bear for you to know. We all have those things. I'm not him and you're not her - we're us, what we are now."  
  
Sam had frequently wondered about Jack's past and his dark side. She had seen it raise its ugly head more than once but had no idea of the extent of it. She loved him despite it, and maybe because of it. Her meagre knowledge of it just brought her closer to him, but he would probably never understand or accept that. It scared her but she didn't shy away from that fear. Perhaps Jack felt the same way, it had never occurred to her before.  
  
"Jack, that's very philosophical." Was her response, her thoughts hidden.  
  
"Yeah, coming from a dumb ass like me."  
  
"You're no dumb ass Jack. Don't be so falsely modest."  
  
"You noticed, huh?" She laughed at those words and he smiled. "Look, all I'm saying is that our work, our lives together... crap!" He searched for the right words. "We've been friends for a long time and have shared so much. That's a pretty solid foundation Sam, more than most people have. It'll always be there."  
  
Gently she kissed his cheek and stroked the hand that still caressed her lovingly.  
  
"You're one hell of a guy, Jack O'Neill. A very special one, and full of surprises. I love you Jack, you know that don't you?"  
  
Yesterday she had revealed that she wanted to spend her life with him. Jack knew he should be confident of her love. Nevertheless the three words spoken meant everything to him. He wanted to make love to her, demonstrate his love in the clearest way possible but there was no sign that she wanted that too, despite the kiss and soft caress. Suppressing his urge to kiss her passionately he just smiled.  
  
"I should know, but it feels really good to hear you say it."  
  
It echoed her words to him that first time he had confessed his love on the night they had argued with Jacob, her father. He clearly remembered every word and gesture. They were engraved on his heart, as they were on hers. So, as he had done that night, she told him again.  
  
"Jack? You there? It's me!" A voice called and a man appeared from the surrounding woods. Jack reluctantly rose from his knees. He was stiff and had to stretch to get his muscles moving again.  
  
"It's Hank. One of the neighbours." He whispered to Sam, who rose from her chair. "What the hell does he want?"  
  
"Jack don't be so cranky." As she said it she grinned. "Try to be sociable."  
  
"He has to come now?" He raised his voice cheerily, "Hi Hank!"  
  
"Hey honey," Jack said. "This is Hank. He lives near here. Hank, this is Sam my, um, girlfriend."  
  
He realised he didn't know how to introduce her to people. Girlfriend sounded a lot less than they were. Partner? Too formal. Lover? Too hot. Girlfriend it was then. Sam smiled brilliantly at Hank and they shook hands.  
  
Jack was much friendlier with Hank than his reaction at his arrival made it appear. Hank was a local, living on his own by the lake. He was in his sixties and remembered Jack's grandparent's well, and Jack as a snotty nosed kid who came to visit. Back then the age difference had meant they were not friends. Hank hung around with an older crowd who thought they were mature and didn't want to play with kids. As one gets older those age differences mean less.  
  
Hank's wife had died at around the same time as Charlie. It had bound them together in an inexplicable way. Hank was one of the people that Jack liked around here and sometimes they would sit drinking beer and chatting about this and that. In Jack's long absences, Hank kept his eye on his cabin. He also kept a supply of Jack's food in his excessively large chest freezer. Jack couldn't keep frozen food here because his place wasn't powered up all the time. Hank's was. It had proved useful on more than one occasion.  
  
Jack had wanted to spend this time alone with Sam, that was why he reacted like that to Hank's arrival. He realised that Sam was right, he should be sociable. Luckily it was being sociable with someone whose company he could stand.  
  
"I'd heard that you'd got a pretty girl visitor Jack. I can see the Robinsons got that right." Sam recalled the Robinson's place as one of those she had stopped at while trying to find Jack's cabin.  
  
Jack realised that this was why he had come round. Hank was being downright nosy, wanting to meet this woman of Jack the Loner's. He was the gossipy type, not in any nasty way, but liked to know what was going on locally. Jack inevitably got the low down on everything that went on while he wasn't here. Hank would have hated not being one of the neighbours that Sam had met when she was on her way here. Jack understood that Hank hadn't been able to resist the temptation to pry.  
  
The excuse that he needed some batteries and knew Jack kept good supplies was simply that; an excuse. Jack bet Hank had a whole supply of batteries stashed somewhere. It amused and pleased him that word had got around but he hoped they didn't have too many locals call in for the same reasons. He and Sam would never get any peace. He exchanged a look with Sam and realised that she had caught on too.  
  
"Well thank you Hank," Said Sam, acknowledging the compliment, "Why don't you come in and sit down? Jack was just about to make some fresh coffee, weren't you Jack?"  
  
When her eyes met Jack's it was like the eye contact equivalent of a kick in the shin. Taking the hint, once they went inside he disappeared into the kitchen to make the coffee and left Sam and Hank to introduce themselves in the living room.  
  
As he found the batteries Hank had asked for, and made coffee, he could hear Sam charming the pants off Hank and smiled broadly. He was proud of her. Proud to show her off, and proud that she was able to charm Hank. It made a refreshing change to be able to show off Sam when they so frequently had to skulk around in Colorado. When he came out with coffee he suggested they go outside and sit on the porch. Sam and Jack took the two rocking chairs.  
  
They whiled away the next hour or so by chatting amiably with Hank, and Jack warmed to the social interaction. Hank's gossipy nature led to him relating a few amusing anecdotes about the locals, both recent and historic. Jack learned quite a few things he hadn't known before, and Sam was delighted with his stories, taking a liking to the man.  
  
When she offered him more coffee he asked whether they had any beer. Sam thought it a bit early in the day but said nothing, leaving the two men alone to go get it for him. Jack declined in favour of more coffee. She was curious about what they might say about her in her absence so instead of immediately going to the kitchen she lurked by the open window, listening out of sight, feeling like a naughty little girl eavesdropping on the adults.  
  
"I'm sorry Jack. I think I interrupted something when I arrived."  
  
"No Hank, not at all." Jack smiled shyly at Hank.  
  
"She's a beautiful, intelligent woman Jack. You're a lucky son of a gun!"  
  
Jack laughed. "I know."  
  
"So when you gonna make an honest woman of her? You are gonna make an honest woman of her, aren't you?"  
  
"Hank!" Hank chuckled at Jack's outraged tone.  
  
"Well, you are, aren't you?" He persisted.  
  
"If she'll have me." Jack muttered to his feet, going slightly pink.  
  
Although his voice was low, Sam heard the words filter through the window and smiled to herself, then went to make fresh coffee and get a beer for Hank.  
  
After she rejoined them they talked for a while longer and Jack decided he should pop back to Hank's with him to pick up some food supplies. For starters, Hank had some juicy steaks in his freezer which he was sure he and Sam could demolish over the next couple of days or so. He had some other things too, which might be useful for a picnic or barbecue.  
  
"Sam. Do you wanna come with?"  
  
"I won't if that's ok." She said looking apologetically at Hank. "I'd love to take a bath."  
  
Jack leaned to kiss her cheek and whispered.  
  
"Are you sure you'll be alright on your own?"  
  
"Jack I don't need a baby sitter." She snapped, immediately regretting it when she saw the expression on Jack's face. As if she hadn't done enough damage already. "Sorry." She grasped his arm and squeezed softly. Jack smiled, reassured.  
  
When he returned about an hour later she was sitting on a rocking chair on his porch, staring at the lake, and he took the other rocker. Hank had very obviously been smitten with Sam, which thrilled Jack no end. These local folks were generally so suspicious of strangers. He joked that perhaps he should take her on a grand tour around to all the neighbours to satisfy their curiosity, and boost his ego. Why wouldn't he be honored if all his neighbours fell in love with Sam?  
  
"I enjoyed his company Jack."  
  
"Yeah. Me too."  
  
They held hands in silence for a while, rocking in their chairs, and Jack pondered how that made them appear an old married couple. He liked that, picturing retiring here someday with Sam and sitting for hours on these two chairs.  
  
A little later they went for a short walk so that Jack could show her the surrounding area, and then back for lunch. Neither one of them had got around to breakfast that morning. He was pleased to note that Sam's appetite seemed to be coming back.  
  
To Jack's surprise and delight, after lunch Sam suggested that he show her how to fish. Unfortunately she didn't mean it in the euphemistic sense, but he could live very well with the real thing. She was a good pupil. They sat companionably for a long time, side by side with fishing rods in hands, sometimes talking, sometimes silent. Neither mentioned the traumas of the past weeks. For now, Jack didn't want to raise it unless Sam did. Instead he told her a little about his family, his grandfather and the pearls of wisdom he imparted, the friends he'd made locally when he visited.  
  
Sam relished any revelations that Jack made about his past; it wasn't often that he revealed anything about it. Sure they'd had their moments, but Jack could keep things locked up tight where no one could reach them. He didn't talk about his family much.  
  
The day passed too quickly to night, time for dinner, and time for bed.  
  
"Jack, I'd like to sleep with you tonight if that's alright. I don't mean sex, I mean I'd like to be with you. Do you mind terribly about the sex part?"  
  
"Sex isn't everything Sam." He said, taking her hand in his. "It's nice, great actually, but it isn't everything."  
  
So they snuggled up together for the second night running. Jack thought they were making pretty good progress in the circumstances and hoped it lasted. If Sam had PTSD, which seemed even more likely now than when he had originally thought of it, anything could happen.  
  
Sam awoke next morning to an empty bed. He had extricated himself from her embrace and was already up. She went downstairs and found him in the kitchen, back towards her. He was packing some supplies into two rucksacks. As she watched she considered how graceful he could be when he moved.  
  
"Hey." She said and he stopped what he was doing and turned.  
  
"Morning. Coffee? Breakfast?"  
  
"No to the breakfast, yes to the coffee." He poured her one and she joined him.  
  
"No food? Sam you gotta eat."  
  
"I don't think so. Morning sickness Jack."  
  
"Why are you women so lucky? You get all the good things, huh?" He smiled and she reached for his hand over the table, squeezing it to show her affection. Then she dashed upstairs and he could hear her retching violently. Yuck! Poor Sam. He hated being sick. How did women stand this?  
  
"Forget the coffee." She said when she came back. Suddenly, coffee was off the Sam Carter menu. Even the smell made her feel violently ill. "I'm sorry Jack, I can't stand the smell." She ran upstairs again.  
  
While she was gone Jack threw away the coffee and opened the window. At the back of a cupboard he found some air freshener which he sprayed liberally around the room. He would miss the coffee but would live.  
  
"Do you want to go for a long walk today? Are you up to it? There's somewhere I'd like to take you" He said when she eventually returned, sounding eager. She didn't want to disappoint him. "It doesn't have to be today. We have other days."  
  
"I feel like this a lot of mornings Jack. I'll be ok; just give me some time. Where are we going?"  
  
"That would be telling. You'll love it. It's a long walk, but worth it." He considered and added. "Um, we need to camp overnight if we want to spend a bit of time there. I've only got one small tent, Sam. Are you up for sharing? I don't want to..." he looked uncomfortable, "impose anything on you."  
  
"It ok Jack. Really it is. Sounds good." She smiled.  
  
"Would you rather go another day?"  
  
Jack was delighted when she shook her head in the negative. He'd made up his mind that he would take Sam to Charlie's Place after all. It had become overwhelmingly important. He had to introduce her to Charlie. Jack told Charlie everything, unable to tell almost everyone else. He'd come closest to that with Sam but he still had a lot of secrets. She would never know most of them. No one would. Only Charlie.  
  
Charlie knew about his divorce from Sara. He'd been troubled when he received the divorce papers for signature and gone to consult him; venting his frustration, disappointment and anger. He'd told him how he had felt when Charlie had died; how depressed and suicidal he had become and how the SGC and his team had given him a new life and something worth living for. He had spoken of Ba'al, his torture and many deaths. Charlie knew about a lot of things, including how Jack felt about Sam, although not lately. Jack hadn't been there for a while. Charlie was far better than Confession. Often, Jack's visits to the waterfall helped settle his wounded and troubled soul and mind.  
  
Given Sam hadn't eaten breakfast, he packed some extra supplies. It was a long walk on an empty stomach and he planned to coax her to eat en route. They set out heading north along the lake. Jack told her little stories on the way. He'd fallen from that tree and broken his arm. He'd kissed a girl for the first time just over there when he was five years old. A few things like that. She'd learned more about his childhood over the last couple of days than he had ever previously revealed.  
  
He also mentioned some father and son incidents too; he and Charlie. They had gone camping for the first time just a little further down that path, Jack told her. Charlie had been very young and Sara had insisted they not stray too far away from the house. She hadn't slept all night worrying about father and son and big black bears. His stories warmed her. Jack would be such a wonderful father.  
  
She admired the countryside and Jack pointed out things she would never have noticed or known about, like a plant that was great for easing the pain of stings, or the butterfly you rarely saw in these parts. It was a revelation and she was very happy to be here. After about an hour they reached a large stream which emptied into the lake.  
  
"Let's sit for a while before we move on, huh?" He said, thinking that Sam might need a rest. Coaxing time. "Food?" Jack was pleased when she nodded assent without any argument and reached for one of the rucksacks, digging around inside. "Ham sandwich?" It seemed an appropriate breakfast. She nodded once more and he made it for her.  
  
"What else have you got in these bags?"  
  
"Ah, that would be telling." She reached for hers and he stopped her hand, waggling his finger at her. "No peeking. That would be cheating."  
  
"It's ok. I like surprises. As long as they're good ones." Jack merely smiled enigmatically.  
  
She trusted that he knew she'd like whatever it was and ate the sandwich without speaking further. When she finished he made her eat another.  
  
"They were good. Thanks, just what the doctor ordered."  
  
"You know me. Mr 'be prepared for anything'."  
  
"So, shall we go?"  
  
"Hey, you don't want to get indigestion do ya?"  
  
"Jack I've walked miles on a full stomach and you know it. If you are going to handle me with kid gloves all the time then it'll drive me nuts!"  
  
"You haven't given me much option recently Sam." He stated sadly.  
  
She saw the pain flicker through his eyes once more and knew she had a lot to make up for. Could she do it? It scared her that her mood might change again at any time. She did not have total control, although thought that the counselling had helped a little. Dr Zeller was extremely good and Sam was relieved her counsellor was a woman. She could never have opened up to Mackenzie like she had started to with Zeller.  
  
"I'm sorry Jack."  
  
"We'll deal with it Sam, Whatever it is, we'll overcome it." Since she'd mentioned spending the rest of her life with him he'd become pretty confident that they would; somehow.  
  
When they set off this time he headed upstream and they stopped a couple of times along the way, Jack not wishing to tire her.  
  
"We're nearly there." He seemed excited.  
  
Then they came out into a large clearing and the waterfall was in front of them. It emptied into a pool. The place was delightful. Sam gasped and Jack smiled.  
  
"Come." He took her by the hand and led her round the side of the pool, closer to the waterfall. "Let's sit."  
  
After a while he started to speak, needing to tell her a little about this place.  
  
"This is our secret place, Charlie and I. It belonged to us and no one else ever came here with us, not even Sara." Sam's eyes widened. He'd brought her to somewhere his wife didn't come? She was sincerely flattered.  
  
"It's lovely Jack. Magical." He was pleased she said that because he thought it magical too.  
  
"These days I mainly come here to talk to Charlie, to think, recover my equilibrium. I tell him everything." He surprised her by being so open. "I needed to introduce Charlie to you. That's why I wanted to come. Does that sound screwy?" She shook her head. "That's a relief. MacKenzie would probably think so." He laughed and took her hand. If he hadn't believed she would think like that he would never have started this.  
  
"Then we're both screwy." She said leaning towards him and kissing his lips. Although fleeting, it was the first time their mouths had touched since her return. It meant a lot to Jack and his grin grew wider. "You have to be to do our job." He nodded. That might be true.  
  
"Do you want lunch?" He asked, suddenly nervous.  
  
"No. Introduce me to Charlie first. Or are you really famished?"  
  
She gave him a way out, knowing the kind of guy he was. Sam could feel the tension in him. Nerves. He was silent for a long time then looked out over the waterfall. He knew that with her here he couldn't talk to Charlie as he might if he was alone, but that could wait; this was important to him.  
  
"Hi Charlie. I'm back at last. It's been too long." Jack rubbed at Sam's hand absently as he spoke. "This is Sam. I told you she was beautiful. I'm sure you'll agree now you've seen her."  
  
Sam was astonished he had already spoken about her to his son in this secret place. The last time he'd been here was a considerable time ago, before they'd got together. She hadn't imagined him talking about her to anyone back then.  
  
"She's special to me, son, you know that already. I love her very much. I wanted to tell you more about her, what's happened with us since I was here, but I can't say too much because she's with me."  
  
Near the end he used a conspiratorial whisper, as if Sam couldn't hear him, only Charlie. She smiled. It touched her heart like nothing else she had experienced. Jack turned his head to face her.  
  
"Sometimes when I see her and she turns towards me smiling... the world stops."  
  
Oh boy! She thought. Talk about romantic. Her heart fluttered. Jack turned back to the waterfall.  
  
"We're together now Charlie and that has made me a very happy man - most of the time." She noticed him smile and when she squeezed his hand he looked at her again, deep into her eyes. "You should know that I hope to spend my whole life with her, if she'll have me. I wasn't so sure before but now I believe she will. We've got some issues to sort out, who hasn't? The most important thing is that we're together, and stay that way."  
  
Jack thought it sounded terribly corny. Oy! What was he doing? Sam would think he'd flipped. Of course she didn't think that at all. He had used few words but had expressed so much with them. She was moved beyond belief. Jack paused, uncertain how Sam would react to what he needed to say next, so looked towards the pool again.  
  
"Your mom got married again, Charlie. His name's Glenn. Yeech! I know, some name huh? I'm sure he's a nice guy. He can't help his parent's poor taste. I haven't met him so I can't be sure, but your mom would pick a good guy, wouldn't she? Hey, she picked me! Well, hopefully she's acquired better taste since then."  
  
"I want you to know that she still loves you very much. This new guy will never take that love away Charlie, just as nothing will ever take mine away. I hope you are happy for your mom, and Sam and I. I know you'd love Sam as much as I do, and she would have adored you."  
  
Jack paused for a long while, as if collecting his thoughts. Sam hoped he might say more, but there was a limit to Jack's openness. Only in private with Charlie did he reveal his deepest thoughts. Charlie was his confessor and Jack was constrained by Sam's presence. He didn't regret bringing Sam, not for one minute, but promised himself that one day he would come back on his own to tell Charlie everything. Eventually he continued, but only to say goodbye.  
  
"I think I need to go now; entertain our guest. I love you Charlie and promise I'll be back soon. Take care of yourself, you hear?"  
  
Sam felt tears welling up in her eyes. When Jack turned back to her she saw his matched hers. She reached up a thumb to wipe away the wetness that had gathered in his eyes.  
  
"I do love you Jack, despite everything. I wanted Charlie to know it too." She added and, smiling, he ventured a brief kiss on her lips. She let him. "That was beautiful Jack. Moving."  
  
"Thank you ma'am." He coughed to cover his embarrassment, then continued. "Now food." He rubbed his hands together gleefully. There it was, the food thing again. He had to joke, had to say something that detracted from the him he'd exposed so wonderfully to her.  
  
The rucksack contained a cornucopia. Cooked chicken, pasta salad, a cool bag holding some white wine, even unbreakable glasses, plates and real knives and forks. When had he made this? This morning?  
  
"It tastes great Jack." He was pleased to see her tuck in with gusto.  
  
"There's still bread and ham, and I brought fruit for dessert; cherries. I hope I protected them from getting squashed. Hank gave 'em to me especially for us. Oh, and I've got some cheese."  
  
"A banquet in my honor?"  
  
"I guess."  
  
After lunch they sat back and just looked at the scenery. Eventually Sam spoke.  
  
"It's wonderful here Jack. Minnesota, the lake, this place, the cabin." He smiled, slightly dreamy.  
  
"I love this place, and the cabin. It's like a small chunk of heaven that I can visit whenever I like. My granddaddy built it, my mom was raised in it - I almost might as well have been. I have roots are here and I'm proud of that." Sam's mouth turned up into the most glorious smile as she listened to him.  
  
"You should be." She replied, then looked out over the water. "How deep is the water here Jack?"  
  
"About 2 to 3 feet. Not that deep. And there's fish. Why?"  
  
"Fancy skinny dipping? I do."  
  
Abruptly she started to strip off.  
  
"Sam!"  
  
"Oh come on Jack, don't be a spoil sport. It may not be deep but it's deep enough. It'll be fun."  
  
Jack rarely saw anyone in these parts but it didn't mean they didn't come here. He figured that a queue of his neighbours would gather just as he took off his pants. Sam squealed as she entered the water.  
  
"It's cold Jack!" Oh yeah? Go figure! "But it's lovely. Come on!"  
  
Oh, what the hell? Jack started to strip off and was soon as naked as her, gasping with cold as he joined her. By now Sam was splashing around in the water, swimming in the shallow depths like a water nymph.  
  
It didn't take long to get used to the temperature as they swam a little and splashed each other with water like a couple of kids. Jack had to resist the urge to take her in his arms and try to seduce her. Unexpectedly she approached, encircling her arms around his neck and kissing him. A real kiss, tongue and all. After the initial shock he reciprocated. As he was naked it was impossible to hide his desire from her. He was getting excited. When her hands started caressing him intimately he stopped her. Way too excited.  
  
"Sam I..." She put her hand to his mouth to stop his words, and let him go, ignoring his confusion.  
  
"What's that behind the waterfall." She asked brightly.  
  
"That little cave? Charlie and I used to sit under there all the time. It can get a little damp."  
  
"We're already wet." She giggled. It was good to see her looking so happy. "I wanna go look."  
  
She waded over to the waterfall, moving under the flowing water of the falls as if under a shower then jumping away again quickly, screeching loudly.  
  
"That's cold!" Jack laughed and she reached her hand to him. "Come on Jack." She pulled him in with her under the freezing falls. "I'll teach you to laugh at me flyboy!"  
  
It was freezing! Sam thought she had teased him enough, and was frozen herself, so led him by the hand out from under the falls, towards the little beach that was at one side of the cave. She had noticed that his desire was dampened by the experience under the falls and that had not been her intention. She closed the gap between them and a small smile touched his lips as she kissed him again, her hands starting to explore his body with expertise. Oh my!  
  
Sam?" He was panting, "If you don't want me to make love to you you'd better stop me right now." He whispered.  
  
"I want you to make love to me Jack." She replied.  
  
He was stunned, had hardly been expecting it here and now, but was more than happy to comply. Jack was getting excited again; it seemed so long since they'd had sex and he missed it. Although he'd been celibate for years, once they'd started making love he'd got totally hooked on her and craved the intimacy. If he wasn't careful this was going to be over way too quickly. Calm down Jack, control yourself, take deep breaths and recite nursery rhymes or something, he told himself.  
  
He pulled her closely to him, taking her lips into a kiss, caressing her soft skin in places he knew brought her pleasure and determined that she enjoy their lovemaking as much as he did. When the kiss stopped, a sudden thought momentarily panicked her.  
  
"Jack, do you mind us doing this here? If this place is sacred to you and Charlie... I don't want to spoil anything Jack." Far from spoiling anything he thought she was offering him the icing on his cake.  
  
"Maybe its about time Charlie learned a thing or two." He replied jauntily. "Sam, you're sure this is what you want? I don't..." He could say no more as her lips stopped his words.  
  
So they made love on the little beach next to Charlie's secret place, the little cave where he and his son had so frequently sat together. Jack was very gentle, taking his time. He thought that was what she would need after her recent violent experiences and was thrilled when she enjoyed it. Things were definitely looking up.  
  
"Now that's what I call fishing!" He whispered to her afterwards and she giggled a response. "After what you told me I figured it would be a long time before we did that again. You're an amazing woman Sam."  
  
"Thank you."  
  
"You're welcome."  
  
He held her close and stroked her hair with his long slender fingers, marvelling at the strength of the woman who had chosen him to be her mate. Chosen him! Not for the first time he was awed that he had been so lucky to find her and to discover that she wanted him as much as he wanted her.  
  
Sam had been very nervous but tried not to show it. The whole atmosphere of the place, Jack's behaviour since she'd arrived, his words and actions, had inspired her to suggest it. Uncertainty, and memory of the violence that had been visited upon her, made her quiver with the fear of it. She had steeled herself to do it, for Jack's sake, in the full knowledge that he wouldn't want that. It was part of what had prompted her. Had he made the attempt, she probably would have spurned him.  
  
It was an act of self sacrifice but she would never reveal that to him. She had not expected to enjoy it, saw it purely as one of the steps required to start repairing their relationship. It was like falling off a bicycle, wasn't it? You had to get back on otherwise you would fear it forever.  
  
Jack had been so gentle, so loving and giving, that, to her surprise, she had enjoyed it after all. For him it had been an act of love, not of self gratification; securing her enjoyment had overridden his own desire. This was one of the many things she loved about Jack, and that would have surprised those people who knew him only as the hard nosed, tough and cynical Colonel he portrayed himself to be. The more he revealed of himself, the more she loved and admired him.  
  
They would need to set up camp soon so they reluctantly left the little beach and allowed themselves to dry off in the sun, while it still held any power. Jack had not packed towels, although it appeared he had thought of almost everything else. Much to Jack's relief they managed to get dressed again without any of his neighbours, or another living soul, dropping by. At least he was saved that embarrassment.  
  
They set to the task of making camp and building a fire in a safe place, where they did not risk the possibility of starting a blaze that could ravage the forest.  
  
"So what about food Jack? You didn't bring your fishing gear so I guess fish is off the menu?" She asked. "At least that kind of fish." She added with a small grin on her face, alluding to the euphemistic use of the term.  
  
"I could find a way to catch fish if that's what you want. A rod is not the only way you know." He replied knowingly, winking and causing her to giggle at his double entendre. Sam didn't doubt it. Jack was a man who would probably survive almost any disaster in any environment. Survival skills were one of his areas of expertise. "But actually, I did have something else in mind."  
  
His cool bag revealed two large steaks and he'd also brought some green salad leaves, a small bottle of dressing and a rather larger bottle of red wine. Then he withdrew one of those small disposable aluminum type barbecues that you get at the supermarket. Sam laughed thinking the rucksacks akin to Mary Poppins's bag; they seemed to contain a never ending supply of good things. It prompted her to hum the tune to "A Spoonful of Sugar" from the kid's movie, which made Jack laugh. He quipped that the packs they took on missions held a lot more than these, which was true.  
  
Jack cooked the steaks to perfection and they happily sat eating them with the salad and wine as the sun went down. Sam thought he had been right in saying she would love the surprises. He was full of them today.  
  
Much later they withdrew to the small tent, having not much option but to lie close together, which was not an unpleasant prospect to either of them. When he had suggested this trip, Jack had feared Sam may not want to be this close, despite what had happened the previous two nights. Here, there was no where else for her to go if she felt the need to. His fear had passed with their actions behind the waterfall. Neither made any attempt to repeat that experience, just sleeping soundly in each others arms.  
  
When Jack woke next morning his heart soared at the feel and smell of her next to him and the memory of the previous day. It had been almost perfect, nearly making them both forget the reality of their situation and the difficult decisions that now had to be made. They still had a few days before they need worry about reality, although he knew that Sam's mood could suddenly swing and bring them there a lot sooner than that. The only reminder was Sam's morning sickness. She disappeared into the woodland but Jack could still hear her in the quiet of the place.  
  
She once again refused breakfast and Jack resolved to stop and feed her on the way back. They packed up the camp, ensuring they were leaving nothing behind to spoil the landscape, or smoulder into a fire.  
  
"Can we just sit and look for a while before we leave Jack?"  
  
"There's no hurry Sam."  
  
So they sat holding hands without speaking, Sam leaning her head on Jack's shoulder. He changed the hand in which he held hers and put his arm around her shoulder. It felt so comfortable and right. A good while later she suggested they set off and they ambled slowly back towards the cabin, Jack taking her on a detour en route so they could see other parts of this wonderful place and not wholly retrace their steps.  
  
They got back and did all the practical things, unpacking the remains from their rucksacks, disposing of rubbish, topping up the wood needed for the fire and stove and the fuel for the generator. By then it was passed time for lunch. He figured Sam must be starving as he never had persuaded her to eat anything yet today. However, she picked at her food, eating very little, and it worried him. He refused to nag her, yet. Later he would ensure she ate properly, as a pregnant woman should. He was very pleased, therefore when she asked for food that night.  
  
"Jack, I'm starting to get hungry. What are we gonna have for dinner?"  
  
"What would you like?"  
  
"I don't know. What you got? Do you want me to cook?"  
  
"No. I'll do it."  
  
"Then surprise me. I'd like to take a bath; lie and soak for a while."  
  
"Ok. You do that and I'll get dinner."  
  
He could hear her humming happily to herself as she lay relaxing in the bath, and was tempted to go upstairs and poke his head around the bathroom door, but resisted that. Then he could hear her pottering about upstairs getting ready. She took a while and he wondered what she was doing; Sam never normally took ages getting dressed like some women could.  
  
Eventually he heard he clattering somewhat noisily down the stairs and was curious as what was making so much noise so left the kitchen to take a look. He gaped and dropped the wooden spoon he was holding in his hand, surprised at her appearance.  
  
"Wow!" He exclaimed, unable to take his eyes from her.  
  
Sam wore a long, flowing black dress and high heels, had put on make up and fixed her hair. She looked dressed to go out for a night out at a good restaurant, or dancing.  
  
"You... You..." He stammered. "You look... amazing Sam. A little overdressed for the wilds of Minnesota, maybe?"  
  
"But not a little overdressed for you Jack." She beamed at him and took his hand, gripping it gently. "I just thought you deserved... well..." She shrugged. "I packed it just in case."  
  
Jack pulled her into a hug, totally bowled over that she had dressed up like this for him.  
  
"Thank you Jack." She whispered.  
  
"Thank you? What for Sam?"  
  
"For being there for me. For putting up with me. For being my friend. For loving me." His responding smile was slightly lopsided and filled with his innate shyness.  
  
"I feel a bit underdressed here Sam. Do you mind if I have a quick shower before we eat? You smell wonderfully clean. I don't think you can say that about me." He turned up his nose as if he could smell something horrible and she giggled.  
  
"Sure. What did you make?"  
  
"Pasta and tomato sauce. Ma O'Neill's old family recipe. Actually, she got it from Mrs Smith up the street, who was actually Italian and married a Smith. Why am I telling you all this? Shower." And he disappeared leaving Sam feeling mildly amused.  
  
When he came down he had dressed up. He had no clothes in Minnesota that complemented Sam's beautiful gown but did his best with black trousers, black shoes, blue shirt and a tie. A tie? Sam was amazed. Jack O'Neill wore ties as little as he could get away with. It was grey and very stylish with the blue and black. The shirt was actually tucked into his trousers instead of worn loose as was his norm off duty. He had made an effort and Sam thought he looked handsome, sexy and urbane.  
  
He cooked the pasta, opening a bottle of red wine and pouring two large glasses.  
  
"Oh! Maybe you shouldn't be drinking." It had only now occurred to him.  
  
"Probably not." She said carelessly taking a sip. " A little probably won't hurt."  
  
She was trying to persuade herself, feeling the need for an alternative drug to caffeine. Alcohol would do although it didn't have the same effect as coffee. Jack cursed himself for his thoughtlessness but let her have her way. In the end she hardly touched it.  
  
It was a warm evening and they ate outside. Jack knew that once it got dark the external lighting would attract all sorts of pesky bugs. So, instead of the lights, he lit lots of citronella candles and put them everywhere to keep the horrible things at bay. It created a very romantic, and fragrant, atmosphere as they ate and listened to music on the portable CD player he had brought out with them. Sam seemed happy and that made him content. That, and the fact that he now knew she still desired him, started to restore his battered ego.  
  
After they'd eaten he had a crazy yearning and dashed into the house to find something in the small CD collection he kept there. As he looked for suitable music, Sam crept up behind him and wrapped herself against his back, arms entwined around him. He laughed but continued his search. Ah, there! He thought, satisfied, and twisted in her arms to face her.  
  
"Come." He took her hand and led her outside once more, placing the CD in the player. "Dance?" He asked.  
  
Sam was surprised by both the question and the music as it started He'd chosen big band; Glen Miller. It was perfect for dancing slow and close, which was obviously what he wanted, but she'd never thought it Jack's style. Clasping him tightly she lay her head on his shoulder.  
  
"Yes Jack."  
  
Swaying rhythmically to the music, their cheeks lightly touching, they assailed each other's senses with their respective scents. So entranced by the dancing were they that hardly a word was exchanged as they danced. When the music stopped a while later, Jack stopped dancing but Sam held onto him tightly, making him move to the non-existent music.  
  
"Don't stop Jack." She said, encouragingly.  
  
"But the music...?" Sam smiled and squeezed him gently.  
  
"Music? Who needs music?"  
  
The End... for now... 


	13. Understandings and Misunderstandings Par...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 13: Revelations of Humiliation and Pain

Author: Su Freund

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Status: Series

Category: Angst. romance

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Spoilers: Any episode featuring Charlie or Sara, A Matter of Time, The Curse, Abyss

Season: Future

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 12: Rejoining

Rating: PG-13

Content Warnings: References to rape, miscarriage of pregnancy and torture. Use of relatively mild language and non-explicit references to sex.

Summary: Jack is in despair because his relationship with Sam seems to be falling apart... again! Will they ever resolve it?

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

File Size: 75 KB

Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Author's Note: Apologies that it has taken so long to get this next part on line folks. I appear to have been distracted by other fic of late. Blame the muse. My thanks go to Bonnie for beta reading this fic, and her suggestions and corrections. On my site this fic is illustrated with a gorgeous, and exclusive, S&J artwork by Thalassa made into a wonderful book cover by Fulinn28.

**Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 13: Revelations of Humiliation and Pain**

The SGC - the present:

Jack paced his office trying to make up his mind. He was almost bouncing off the walls. Back in Colorado Springs for less than a week, and before she had made any decision, Sam had miscarried the foetus she held within her womb.

Doctors thought her miscarriage was linked to the hybrid nature of the foetus and it was something they had feared might happen; one of the reasons they had suggested termination of the pregnancy. They had hypothesised that, if she carried to full term, the baby might be stillborn or die shortly after birth. Either that or Sam's health might be at risk from the pregnancy. It seemed unlikely that the Goa'uld had 'designed' Jaffa to interbreed with another race. Jaffa were their slave race, bred to meet their own very special requirements.

In some respects it was lucky that her miscarriage took place at the SGC. She returned to work after their vacation, seemingly fine, considering everything, although still off the mission rotation. Working in her lab she was struck down by unbearable stomach cramps and went to the infirmary, almost collapsing as she entered the door. At least she was close to good medical attention when it happened.

It had been very hard on Jack. When he saw her in the infirmary it was as her CO and friend, nothing more. How could it be otherwise? Just like when she was returned to him from her capture, he was restricted in both word and movement while she was there. It was frustrating. The thing he wanted to do most was hold her in his arms, reassure her, but he couldn't.

She looked awful. Pale, dark circles under her eyes. His heart had flinched with distress. Wasn't it bad enough that she had suffered at the hands of those Jaffa bastards? Now she had to endure this? He could see very plainly that she was in pain, certainly mentally, and probably physically. It broke his heart.

Jack was kind of relieved too. He did not wish to see Sam put at risk, nor did he want this baby, the product of her awful experiences while in captivity. He loved kids and very much wanted them to have children; it had been a long held dream. He would have supported her decision wholeheartedly and tried his best to deal with the fact that the child was the product of violence and hatred, not love.

In his heart, however, he had lacked faith that he could bring up such a child as his own and love and cherish it as he had Charlie; as he did virtually all children he ever met. He hoped he could do that because he believed that a baby's origin shouldn't be it's lifelong burden. It was whether he could put that belief into practice that concerned him.

He did not want the child to suffer because of any residual feelings or resentment he held. Nor did he want to risk his relationship with Sam being torn apart by it. They had suffered enough already.

This awful and poignant situation - her miscarriage - left her choice less, which at least took all the uncertainty out of the equation, but Sam was now back in the depths of a dark depression. This was not the outcome he would have chosen.

Just a few days before they had been relatively happy, now it seemed they had taken some steps backwards. He likened it to a game of snakes and ladders and recently they'd slipped down some pretty large snakes. Where are those damned ladders when you need them most?

This time Sam's depression was different. She was trying to pretend that nothing had happened, back at work and seemingly normal. Jack knew she was far from normal and Daniel and Teal'c agreed. Their friends, however, did not have possession of all the facts. They didn't know Sam had been raped by the renegade Jaffa when captured, that she was pregnant, or that she had lost the baby. Jack knew it was her decision to tell them, but he sure wished he could talk to someone about it.

That wasn't like Jack and it worried him that he needed to talk, proving just how stressed out about the whole thing he was. The cracks in his façade were starting to show. The days they'd spent together in Minnesota had merely been a short break from the gloom that seemed to characterise his relationship with Sam right now. He was starting to spin out of control and needed someone to anchor him. This time Sam was not in a position to play that role, nor was she the right person to do so. She was the cause.

Sam was hardly speaking to him, barely even acknowledged his existence, unless she was forced to. He had tried, really he had, but since the miscarriage she had turned her back on them all and become insular and silent. At least he had the comfort of knowing that it wasn't just him. Jack hadn't realised quite how much she must have really wanted that baby, despite it's means of conception.

Abruptly Jack left the room and stalked the corridors of the SGC until he reached his goal. He stood in the doorway a while just watching, reluctant to enter.

"What is it Jack?" Daniel said, sensing Jack's eyes on him. When he looked up he was shocked to see the look of despair in those liquid brown depths.

"You busy?"

"I... No." Daniel was actually very busy but decided Jack didn't need to hear that.

"Can we talk?"

Daniel nearly choked at those words. Jack wanted to talk? He was kidding, right? This was a joke. He could see from Jack's expression that it was no such thing.

"Sure thing Jack, come in."

"Not here Daniel. Can we get outta the mountain?" Daniel nodded and followed Jack to the lift.

When they were up top Jack strode out over the mountainside, finding a quiet place for them to sit. Daniel had immediately figured that it was related to Sam and was still reeling from the fact that Jack might actually talk about it. They sat for a few minutes while Jack looked at his feet and remained silent. Daniel made up his mind he'd wait all day if he had to. Jack was an intensely private and insular person, rarely talking about himself. The archaeologist felt strangely honored that he might want to do so now, and had chosen him to do it with.

Jack was reluctant to start, didn't know how to, so instead he let his mind drift off to their vacation in Minnesota. He couldn't recall the last time he had enjoyed being there that much; probably when Charlie was alive and he and Sara had still been together. He had persuaded himself that he liked to be there alone, and he did, to an extent. However, Sam's company had reminded him what it was like to share, a life, love, and a home; it recalled to mind the loneliness, solitude and bleak emptiness of the last few years

Jack's Cabin - three weeks earlier:

Sam came to his bed on the night they danced, and she never returned to the spare bedroom. That meant a lot to Jack, to be with her and sleep with her in his arms. Except, much to his surprise, that night she seduced him, leading him to paroxysms of joy and pleasure. He was happy that she wanted his companionship - and his body. It felt good to be desired.

Afterwards she wanted to talk some more. Clearly she had Jack's feelings on her conscience. He was dozing lightly when her voice permeated into his brain.

"What Sam? Did you say something." He asked.

"Sorry Jack, I didn't mean to wake you." She gave him a gentle squeeze. "It can wait."

"I was just dozing. I'd rather talk... if you want." Kissing her forehead, he tried to search her eyes, wondering what she needed to say, but it was too dark to see her clearly. Obviously she wanted to say something; she was chomping at the bit.

"I said that you've been wonderful Jack, about everything. Understanding... forgiving. I'm sure I don't deserve it. I've been downright rotten to you."

"You surely have." She could almost feel his pain and Jack was thankful the light was off and she couldn't see him the gloom.

"You must have been angry with me. Hurt?"

Did she really want to have this conversation right now? So be it. Truth Jack, tell her.

"Yeah. I've gone through every emotion in the book Sam. I even started to hate you... sometimes. How could you treat me like that? I did nothing to deserve it. Angry? Sure I was angry. Maybe I still am. Hurt too. It's not entirely gone; maybe it never will be. You treated me as if I was a piece of dirt to be scraped from your shoe. It was killing me. I find it hard to forgive the people who hurt me Sam. I'm not entirely sure that I have forgiven you yet." There, he'd said it. It was a relief to have it out in the open.

She flinched at that but figured she might feel the same way if their situations were reversed.

"Then why? Why have you taken me back so readily?"

"If you think it means you can walk all over me Sam, think again." A bitter tone entered his voice without conscious thought and Sam cringed.

"I don't want a relationship like that with you Jack. Is that what it seems like to you?" She was horrified. Sometimes the truth is unpalatable. "If this is how you feel maybe we should give up now."

"No!" His vehemence both surprised and comforted her. "If I wanted to give up, Sam, you wouldn't be here now. If I didn't think the good outweighed the bad then maybe I would give up. All relationships have their bad side Sam. Our lives aren't entirely normal anyway are they? If we were married would I give up so easily? Richer or poorer, better or worse? Just because we aren't doesn't mean we should stop trying."

"I hope you can forgive me." She feared for them.

"Forgiveness is not something that happens overnight Sam. I'm workin' on it. Don't expect miracles."

"I'm still not sure I understand."

"Do you think I didn't realise there was something fundamentally wrong with you when we brought you back? I know those post traumatic stress symptoms Sam, been there and done that, you know? When you turned up here I didn't know what to think. My emotions had been up and down like a yo-yo, and I was hurting pretty bad. When you told me..." His emotions were starting to get the better of him as he considered her situation, "When you told me what had happened, what was I meant to do? I have to believe that you didn't hurt me deliberately Sam. Not in your heart. If I believed that..." It was left unsaid.

"Just because it wasn't deliberate doesn't make it hurt any the less." She responded, brushing his face lightly with her hand.

She recalled when she had fled from Jack because she stupidly thought he still loved Sara. He had never intended to hurt her then; she knew that. It had still hurt nonetheless.

"No." He was pretty emphatic.

"And sometimes it was almost deliberate. I couldn't help myself turning the knife. But it was never truly from my heart."

"I know. I'm thinking my ex-wife had to put up with the same from me. When I came back from Iraq I was hell on Earth to live with. But she didn't give up on me and we turned it around. Only Charlie..." His words tailed off and, as she stroked his arm tenderly, he decided to continue.

"Look Sam, after Charlie died Sara did give up on me. I know she had her own issues, of course she did. Her heart was broken and I wasn't there for her. But my heart was broken too and I wasn't entirely rational; not for a long time. I don't want that to happen to us. I don't want to let you down."

Sam thought about that. Although he understood her reasons, Jack obviously felt betrayed by Sara's abandonment. He had expected her to support him and she couldn't do that. She had needed him but he'd been equally incapable. He had lost everything and didn't want to go through that again. It hardened his resolve to stick by Sam for as long as he could handle it.

"I'm so sorry I hurt you Jack. Truly I am." She said after a long pause.

"I know. I love you, Sam, and that's something worth fighting for. Sometimes you have to make compromises. I can be an uncompromising bastard, but you're worth some sacrifices."

He gently kissed her on the lips to demonstrate his feelings, pulling her closer.

"I'm glad you asked, glad I said all that. It makes me feel better." He whispered. "Perverse or what?"

"Not really perverse Jack. It's good to have it out in the open rather than simmering inside waiting to boil over."

"It's come very close to boiling over, but I'm getting there Sam. Believe me, I am."

Clearing the air had helped Jack a lot. Now she knew he wasn't just a doormat, he could come closer to forgiving her. It had worried him that she might feel like that; that she could get away with anything and he would take her back. Perhaps it was true that he would. He hoped he didn't have to test himself too often because he dreaded that she would do something that was totally unforgivable. Life without her would be intolerable, but he did have limits. So far he hadn't been pushed to those limits, but had been straining at the edges.

They say time heals all wounds. He knew for certain that wasn't true. He had wounds he would never recover from. However, he realised that the recent ones inflicted by Sam would heal in time.

They weren't overly sexually active during the rest of their time there, although there were moments. His kiss in the hot tub turned into a lot more than anticipated, and he was relieved they got no visitors while they were out on his dock and she initiated intimate contact. They seemed able to both read and feed each other's fantasies and that was a rare thing in Jack's experience.

They spent a lot of time doing other things. Minnesota was a beautiful state and Jack wanted to show off as much of it to her as he could in the time they had for themselves. She asked him what else they could do while here.

"There's lots of lakes." He'd quipped, an understatement if ever she'd heard one. "And then there's the Booming Prairie Chicken... can't visit Minnesota without seeing that."

She could see laughter in his eyes and looked puzzled. He went on to describe the 13 foot tall model chicken in Rothsay, which claimed to be the Prairie Chicken capital of Minnesota, with thousands of the little critters roaming the local prairie.

Sam thought this hilarious, particularly when Jack explained that the male chicken performed a mating ritual called "booming" during which he spread his wings and tail feathers, inflated the orange sacs on either side of his neck, and strutted around making a booming sound; hence the name. His impersonation of this act had her rolling on the floor laughing.

For some reason it made her think of Teal'c and she firmly believed that their team mate would rather have visited the chicken than stay fishing at Jack's cabin. Teal'c had hated fishing. She thought he would probably enjoy a giant chicken, even though he would wonder as to it's purpose. Teal'c seemed to be adjusting to the fact that not everything in the strange world of the Tauri had a purpose.

"Or there's always the world's largest ball of twine." Now she thought Jack was poking fun. "It's the truth Sam, scout's honor." He held his two fingers up at her scout style. "People drive for miles to see it. A giant sized ball of twine made by some guy in a little place called Darwin. Go figure! He must have been bored I guess. Darwin is a very small place." He shrugged and she burst into another laughing fit.

When she calmed down they got to the serious business of discussing the places they'd like to visit and see. There was so much that Jack knew she would love about his adopted second home; too much. The list did not include either giant chickens or balls of twine, although if they went anywhere near either of them he thought they should take a detour just for the hell of it.

He started by taking her out more locally, to Vergas and around Otter Tail County. Vergas was the nearest small town. It was larger than Darwin though. The countryside of Otter Tail County was a storybook scene of wooded hills and crystal lakes amid a patchwork quilt of farmland and pastures. It was relatively "undiscovered" which made it a great spot for a relaxing getaway. Otter Tail contained a plentiful bounty of interesting and pretty places to see.

In Jack's biased opinion, Minnesota was a wonderful, varied and fascinating State. Sam wasn't inclined to disagree with him. From wetlands to pastures, prairies to hills, lakes to lakeside beaches and snaking rivers. There were the Mississippi headwaters, the wildlife refuges, the birds and the fish. Many folks visited the State for the hunting, something Jack preferred not to indulge in, having the same objections as he did about killing fish for sport - he killed too much already.

There was no way they could do everything they wanted to. Minnesota was too large, the time too short. This was intended as a relaxing holiday not a whirlwind tour of Minnesota. Jack hoped they would have many years to explore this place.

They lazed on a lakeside beach, hiked to Inspiration Point, the highest point in north west Minnesota, with a view worthy of the hike. They canoed, relaxed with a book, marvelled at the 19th century architecture of Fergus Falls. They drove part of the Otter Trail Scenic Byway and Sam marvelled at the picturesque vistas. Jack was thrilled, seeing it all though her eyes as if anew.

One gloriously sunny day they rowed out onto Lake Rose. It was so peaceful and satisfying to sit in the boat letting the water move them at it's will and watching the view together, not feeling the need for many words. There was something soothing about the movement of water. They both caught a decent tan that day and almost immediately fell asleep on the couch once they'd returned to the cabin.

Hank came round for dinner one night, regaling them once more with his stories and humour. On that beautiful moonlit night they sat on the porch drinking almost the whole of Jack's supply of Jack Daniel's and slipping into lewd joke telling mode. Hank was delighted that Sam didn't take offence but instead joined in, outdoing the men with her bawdy wit. The more he got to know her the more he liked her. Jack O'Neill was a very lucky man indeed.

It occurred to both men that not everyone got the chance to love two women so deeply in one lifetime, to get two such perfect shots at happiness. Many people never met their soul mates and Jack appeared to have met two; Sara and Sam. It was obvious to Hank that Jack adored Sam, and that she returned those feelings. He hoped they both appreciated their good fortune.

Sam had warmed to Hank at their first meeting and was beginning to think of him as a friend already, or perhaps a kindly uncle. Jack was grateful for Hank's company, not because he didn't love Sam's, but because he believed that to be alone for the whole time they were there was probably not a positive thing. In Colorado Springs they had to be careful as Jack was still her CO. Out here they had the freedom to do as they wished and it felt good to share themselves with someone else without restriction.

A couple of days before they were due to leave they relaxed on the dock. This was shortly before Sam decided to seduce him and got him worrying that someone would come along and catch a peek of her bare backside.

"I guess you didn't get to see much of the Twin Cities when you landed?" He asked, referring to the huge urban sprawl that was Minneapolis / St Paul.

"I was in a bit of a hurry." She replied, snuggling up to him, and he smiled to himself. God bless you for that Sam.

"Do you want a quick stopover and look around on the way back? Luxury Hotel? Dinner? We won't get to see that much, but a little... if you'd like. You could wear that sexy dress again." It was looking into his eyes when he said those words that gave Sam the impulse to seduce him.

"Sounds like a great idea Jack." She loved it there amongst the beauty and tranquillity of the lakes but missed the bustle of activity and longed for some luxury.

So they drove back earlier than originally intended and Jack booked them into an opulent hotel in Minneapolis. He was over extravagant, ensuring Sam got royally pampered. Heck, he could afford it, as long as they didn't get spendthrift too often. A Colonel in the United States Airforce was not exactly among the ranks of the low paid. He secured them a gigantic suite; you could almost have fit his cabin inside it. There was champagne, flowers, and chocolates. They both laughed at the fruit basket, recalling a couple of Jack's less than diplomatic encounters in their history at the SGC.

They went out for the most astoundingly expensive but fabulous dinner and followed that with dancing to a real live band. Jack hired evening wear for the night and looked dashing in the dinner jacket and bow tie. When they returned to the hotel they luxuriated in the en suite Jacuzzi; that was quite an experience.

Breakfast in bed was a luxury that Sam thought she could live with and they read the morning papers and chatted about the news as they ate. He gave her a quick guided tour of some of the high and low lights of MSP

Jack made her giggle with glee when he extolled the virtues of Minnesota once more, explaining that two Minnesota students had invented roller blades while looking for a way to practice hockey off season. He admired that ingenuity and adored hockey, so had welcomed the invention and was, apparently, proficient. She could see the glint in his eyes which indicated that his tongue was in his cheek, at least a little. Sam tried to imagine Jack skating around on roller blades, dressed in hockey gear. It conjured an interesting picture.

She said that next time they came to Minnesota they should visit the Mall of America so she could shop till she dropped. Jack cringed at the very idea. He would drop within half an hour of arrival. You could get lost for months on end inside that vast Mecca to consumerism - once there you need never leave as it had everything you could dream of or imagine. It was a Jack O'Neill nightmare scenario. Camp Snoopy? Puleez! Sam wasn't interested in Camp Snoopy; she wanted to go to Bloomingdales, Macy's and Sears. Jack thought he might prefer Camp Snoopy.

Given the situation they were in, and Sam's recent experience and mood, the vacation had turned out pretty well. They tried not to let recent events invade their rare and special time together and were both loathed to catch the hop to Peterson that brought them back to reality.

The SGC - the present:

Looking back, Jack wondered if they should have taken time to tackle some of the hard issues that faced them; maybe things would have been different now. Daniel sat patiently waiting for him to say something, not wanting to pressurise him into talking. Jack wasn't very good at talking so, if Daniel pushed, he was just as likely to clam up as open up.

"I don't know what to do about Sam." Jack said finally.

"Jack, I'm sorry but she's not really confiding in me right now. I don't know what's going on. Do you?"

"I'm not sure I can tell you."

"So how exactly do you expect me to help?" He wasn't provocative, but sympathetic.

"Good point."

Jack already knew that he was going to tell Daniel about Sam's recent problems, he just wasn't quite ready. He had thought about this for a while and wasn't sure that talking to Daniel was such a brilliant plan, but he needed to vent. What other options were there? Teal'c? He didn't think the big guy was the right person to have this conversation with. There was no one else. These people were his closest friends, if not them then who? Dr. Mackenzie? Sure thing. When hell freezes over, maybe.

So, having sworn Daniel to secrecy, it all tumbled out gradually; the rape, the baby, the miscarriage, their break-up and reconciliation, her current behaviour. Daniel was appalled.

"You think she wanted the baby?" He asked.

"What else? Why be so upset about it otherwise?"

"I can think of other reasons."

"Like what?"

"That she sees the clock ticking and time running out Jack. Maybe she thinks it was her last chance."

"I'd love us to have kids."

"Have you told her that?"

"Not really." Jack replied and Daniel sighed in frustration.

"Then tell her. You have told her you love her, right?"

"Of course I have."

Daniel looked relieved. It wouldn't have surprised him in the least to discover that Jack had never revealed his deep feelings to Sam. He could be such an ass.

"And of course women's hormones are a bitch, particularly in pregnancy, and after. This isn't all in her head."

"I know that!"

Normally Daniel might have got defensive when Jack snapped at him like that, but he tried to ignore the tone. His friend was hurting, a lot if this conversation was anything to go by, and he needed Daniel's unwavering support, not histrionics.

"Jack I don't know what you can do except tell her how you feel."

"Have you tried talking to Sam lately?"

"So you force it. Are you worried it's too tough a nut for you to crack?"

Jack looked pained at that question and stared at his feet for a while, thinking. Was that really it? Was he afraid he'd fail? Sure he was.

"Maybe." He admitted after a while.

"The worst thing you could do is give up on her Jack. You do know that don't you? If you do that it might become irreparable."

"You think you're telling me something I don't know?"

"So why the hell are you bothering to tell me Jack?" Daniel said, finally giving way to his chagrin. "I'm sorry if I'm not helping but I don't really know what you expect from me."

"Daniel, you are helping. I... I just needed to... talk... get it out of my system, maybe. I don't know." Jack was mortified to have angered his friend. He hadn't intended to sound ungrateful.

"Jack. If you don't tackle this head on you're gonna crack. You can't just stay silent."

"What if...?" He didn't finish and Daniel said it for him.

"You're worried you push it too far and lose her?"

"Something like that, I guess." Jack confessed.

"If you don't you might lose her anyway. You have to take a risk. One thing's for sure, you can't go on like this."

Jack was silent for a long time and Daniel was surprised at what he said next.

"I'm scared Daniel."

Jack O'Neill admitting he's scared? The whole conversation had been an eye opener, showing him a side of Jack that you could miss because he would never reveal it to you. You had to look very closely to see the real Jack.

"I know." Daniel replied. He clasped Jack's shoulder in comfort. "It's a funny thing Jack but I used to think you were never scared of anything."

"Shattering your illusions Daniel?"

"Not really. There's always been more to you than meets the eye." Daniel smiled at his friend. "You're a lot more complicated than you'd have most people believe."

"That's what Sam says." He smiled back, although none too brightly.

"Well that just proves she has her finger on the pulse of Jack O'Neill." He quipped, making Jack laugh. "Look, Jack. She came to you in Minnesota. It wasn't that long ago. Do you think her feelings have changed so much in that time? She can be so like you sometimes; bottling stuff up, repressing her true feelings. Have you considered that she needs you to push it? That it's what she really wants you to do, but you aren't doing it?"

"I have tried Daniel."

"Have you?"

Jack considered that and wondered if he'd been too fearful of the consequences to force the discussion they really needed to have. Daniel was right and he was pleased they'd had this conversation; he sure wasn't getting anywhere without trying. Before they went back to the SGC, and parted, Daniel made Jack promise that he'd be open and honest with Sam, it was the only way forward. Jack made that vow to Daniel, and to himself, hoping he could keep his promise.

Sam's house - the present:

Taking a deep breath, he knocked on her door. This hadn't been a subject he could discuss at the SGC so he waited for her to go home, and then followed on shortly afterwards. When she opened the door she looked a little annoyed to see him and his heart sank. For crying out loud, Jack, get a grip, he told himself. Don't lose it now.

"Can I come in?" He asked when she didn't say anything.

"Sure." Her voice lacked enthusiasm but she opened the door wider to let him into her house and he walked through to the kitchen.

"Got a beer?" He asked. They always seemed to start off talking about beverages or drinks in this situation, he mused. How dumb was that? "I could do with a bit of Dutch courage." He admitted, starting out as he intended to go on, with the truth. She raised her eyebrows in surprise at his words but handed him a beer.

"How you feeling?" He enquired, not sure how to start this.

"Fine. I'm fine."

"Please don't lie to me Sam. I know that's not true. You shouldn't have to lie to me."

"I don't want to have this conversation."

"Then tough, because I do. We need to have this conversation Sam, both of us." She could see that Jack O'Neill determined look in his eye. "Can we at least sit down and talk like two civilised people?" She nodded curtly and they went into her living room. The TV was on and she switched it off.

"When we were in Minnesota we got so close again. We talked. You told me things I never thought I would hear, that were... private and personal. Now... well now you're pushing me away and I need to understand it Sam. I need to try and make things right again."

"What if I don't want to make things right."

"I don't believe that."

"Because you don't want to or because it's not true."

"Both." He was silent for a while and she also said nothing, so he continued. "Tell me what's in your heart Sam. Please don't shut me out. I've tried so hard not to do that to you. Letting people in isn't easy for me; you know that. Can't you do the same thing for me?"

"I'm not in much of a letting people in mood right now."

"Even with me?" Jack asked, his voice restrained and quiet, as if he was reigning himself in.

Sam could see an imploring look in his eyes and was fully aware that she had hurt him badly yet again. After what he'd said in Minnesota about Sara she'd promised herself that she'd try really hard because, as Jack said, it was something worth fighting for. The miscarriage had knocked that plan way off axis. She had let both of them down and deep in her heart she knew it, although she figured she had a few extenuating circumstances. Now here he was, seemingly still willing stick with it, putting the Jack O'Neill pride on the line. She felt humbled and privileged.

"You told me you wanted to spend your life with me." Jack continued. "I want that too. Despite everything else, when you said that my heart soared because I thought we'd make it at last. I'd never truly believed it until that moment. Now, however much it hurts to admit it, I'm not so sure anymore. But I still want it Sam. I want it all. You, marriage, children, the whole bit."

"You do?" She seemed surprised.

"You think I don't?"

"I'm too confused to think straight anymore Jack...." Pausing she continued in a small voice, "help me."

Jack was shocked. Surely it couldn't be that easy? He took her in his arms like he had so many times before, holding her as if he would never let her go.

"I'm so sorry about the baby Sam. For your sake." He whispered in her ear, and paused remembering he'd promised Daniel, and himself, that tonight he'd be open and honest, so continued. "I guess maybe I never truly wanted it, Sam. I love kids, but wasn't sure how easy it would be to deal with the whole mess. I hated feeling that, and would have tried so hard to make it work, for your sake, and ours because I love you and would do almost anything for you. You know that. I want our children. I want that a lot. It's not too late."

"I didn't really know how much I wanted kids until this happened Jack. It's not that I wanted that child, because I'm not sure I did. It's..." She couldn't seem to find the words. "I feel guilty that I didn't want it. That probably sounds crazy. I want us to have children Jack, I really do."

"Then be my wife Sam and I'll get you pregnant as many times as you like. We'll have lots of them if that's what you want. Surely a house full of little Carters and O'Neills could be a wonderful thing?" Maybe it wasn't the right time to propose but screw it, it's what he wanted. He had to know if it was what she wanted too.

"It might at that." She didn't mention his proposal. Give her time Jack, don't be so impatient. After a while she spoke again.

"Why did my father think you might be like Jonas?" What? That was out of the blue. What had brought that on? "He alluded to something dark in your past, something you've never told me."

Jack swallowed hard. Crap! Why the hell had he made that open and honest promise? He could lie to Daniel about it, if asked, but not to himself. Besides, he didn't want to have to lie to her; it was hardly a solid foundation for a stable and lasting relationship. Double crap! He hadn't expected this and prevaricated.

"There's lots of bad stuff Sam. I was Special Forces, so go figure! I told you before that not everything we did was entirely... um... kosher. I think he meant I might be a nut job just like Jonas; that I'd lose it some day. I don't think he wanted you around for something like that. I refuse to believe that I'll ever be like Jonas. Tell me you don't think that Sam. I thought you believed that." He was trying to bluff her into retreating but it didn't work.

"I do. It's just... he had to have something specific in mind. You've referred to something too Jack. Will you tell me? I can't help thinking it might be something I should know."

"You have doubts about me. I understand that Sam, really, but..."

"That's not it Jack. Or maybe it is. I don't know. I... I... don't you trust me?"

"You know I do."

"Well then."

"It's not that simple."

"Oh?"

He sighed, realising that she wasn't going to let go. Is this what he had to do to make this work? He'd been revealing himself to her, peeling away the layers of insulation he protected himself with. He had always feared this revelation would be the final death of them, that she would never understand it, and he had vowed never to tell her. Daniel and his words about risking it came to mind. He was right.

"Have you got something stronger than beer?" He asked, knowing that she would have Scotch or Jack Daniel's.

"You know where it is."

He was grateful for the excuse to let go and move away, uncertain of his ability to look her in the eye. After he'd fixed his drink he didn't sit down again but stood by her fireplace, picking up an ornament and fiddling with it nervously. His heart was in his mouth and he didn't look at her, but down at his hands and the ornament within.

"Sam," He said eventually, "I've killed a lot of people in my life...."

"That's part of your job."

"Not like that."

Even though she could not see his eyes she could sense that he felt a terrible sorrow and carried an awful burden.

"Assassination?" She asked, putting together the two and two and coming up with exactly the right answer. He nodded almost imperceptibly.

"I hope you believe me when I say that it's not something I'm proud of."

Why wouldn't I believe it? She thought, I know you Jack and you're a far better man than you think.

"I had a talent, was too good at it." He continued "I guess I'm proud of that in a weird kind of way, that I was so good at something. It was a skill the Air Force was quick to notice and make use of. Why wouldn't they? They need guys like me to do their dirty work for them." He paused, looking very uncomfortable, "I probably know more ways to kill a man than half the United States Armed Forces put together. Stealth, silence, deadliness. I don't even have to leave a trace. No one would know I'd ever been there. It's one thing to kill a fellow soldier face to face, in battle, but it's entirely different to kill a man in cold blood."

There! His awful secret was out in the open at last. Now he would suffer the consequences. He looked towards Sam now, worried what he might read in her face, but this was too important so he forced himself. He wasn't sure what she was thinking. Say something Sam, he willed her, silence tells me too much. His heart hammered rapidly as he tried to read her, feeling breathless and anxious. I don't want to lose you Sam, he thought, please don't let this destroy us.

"You think I'll hate you for it?" She asked him.

"It's not exactly a loveable profession. It's not what most women want to know about their husbands, is it?"

"I'm glad you told me. We shouldn't have so many dark secrets hidden from each other."

She paused, considering what to say to reassure him that his confession hadn't put her off. Did he really think she would turn away from him so easily? She guessed he had the right to believe it possible after all the problems they'd been having recently; mostly of her making.

Sam knew him better than he realised, and also thought more highly of him than he did of himself. Sometimes she figured that wouldn't be hard to do. He too frequently appeared to have a low opinion of himself, totally unfounded. One can't help one's view of oneself. She knew that feeling because she believed it was the same for her. She found her words.

"I've known you a long time. We've worked together so closely and I've seen both good and bad, but I'm still here. I know that things haven't been perfect between us but, despite all that, I'm still here and intend to stay put. I still love you."

Jack let out the breath he had been holding up to that point, the relief of that statement clearly shown on his face. She continued.

"Anyone can take lives, Jack, but it's saving lives that makes the difference. Just how many have you saved? I've lost count since I've known you, but saving this planet counts as billions." She smiled and stood up, ready to approach him.

"I'm glad I know. I don't hate you for it Jack. I don't hate you because I know you're a good man and that isn't you. Maybe it was, maybe sometimes it still is, but it's not the real you. I'm willing to bet that you always did the right thing."

A weight started to lift from his shoulders. He wasn't entirely sure he agreed with her but if she believed it then maybe they'd be okay.

"Maybe." He responded, his voice quiet and subdued, "Depends on your view of who the good guys are I guess. Yeah, in some ways I believe I did the right thing. I believe I was on the side of right; working for the good guys, despite that sometimes I questioned the method. Sometimes doing the right thing isn't the right moral thing." He shook his head in frustration as he wasn't sure he was saying this right. "It can be hard."

Feeling sullied by his past, he had been convinced that she wouldn't want to touch or be anywhere near him at this moment. He was a murderer. Why would she want that? Jack recalled she'd feared that he might feel that way after she revealed her assault. He understood it well and always had. When she approached he was more than pleasantly surprised. This time she was the one to do the holding, which soothed and reassured him.

"Doing the right thing is often the hardest thing Jack. Surely you know that. If that's the worst of it then I think I can live with it. Can you?"

"I don't have a lot of choice."

She took his hand, leading him to the couch and they curled up in silence, simply cuddling for a while.

"There was this one Jaffa when I was captive." Sam said unexpectedly and Jack listened intently. She had never spoken of her capture before, apart from to tell him about the rape. Even then she had said very little about that incident, focussing on her earlier assault by Jonas Hanson. He wanted to know everything, but knew the chances of that were remote. "He kind of reminded me of Teal'c. I could see he hated what they were all doing. It was as if he didn't know what else he could do or where else he could go. He was the only one who treated us kindly and he never laid a finger on us unless it was to help in some small way. He's probably dead now."

"I'm sorry." Jack said. "I didn't have time to choose my targets."

"I didn't mean anything by it Jack. I'm just sayin'..." He smiled into her hair at her use of an expression he used so often.

"Okay." He said nothing else, hoping she'd continue. Sam was staring into the middle distance, her head on his chest, arms coiled around him.

"I fought them at first, as hard as I could. They held me down and did it anyway, of course. Fighting was probably useless, although they enjoyed a fight. They wanted an excuse to beat the hell out of us, not that they seemed to need it."

Jack was wide eyed in amazement that she was telling him this, and his heart ached at the thought of what Sam had suffered.

"Every day..." She stumbled over her words," sometimes... one... more... making us..." She couldn't bear to voice it. "They smelled rancid and unwashed. It made me sick. They didn't care anything for any of us. We were just there to be used at their convenience, and do the chores that they didn't want to do for themselves. They liked to be waited upon, served."

Jack felt queasy at the thought. She had been missing for all that time and this had been her reality every day. He shuddered, wanting to know, but dreading that knowledge. Contrary as usual, O'Neill, he told himself. If she wants to talk you have to listen.

"All those years of serving a Goa'uld had made them hard and cruel, but with a need to lash out, dominate, bully, overpower. Don't say it Jack, psyche 101, right?"

Her laugh was slightly bitter. Jack thought it typical that she try to analyse it and guessed she felt that need. His anger bubbled beneath the surface and he tried to control it, feeling the need to lash out himself. Those bastards! He could feel his caress of Sam turning into something more brutal and had to exercise self restraint. It was not Sam he was truly angry with, it was what had been done to her and those who had done it.

"I'm glad I'm not having their baby. Why did I even consider it? How could I have loved it? But it wasn't the baby's fault."

He felt her body shaking as if she was sobbing, although she made no noise as she did so.

"I was too weak!" She cursed, under her breath.

Jack recalled her words about this before. She thought she should have been able to defend herself. How could she expect to have done that? There were a lot of Jaffa at that camp; far too many to make a stand. He was certain that, had she contrived to do so, her body would have been amongst those they had found dumped so unceremoniously. He recalled how his heart and breath had seemed to stop while they had searched amongst the remains for any sign of Sam. He didn't know what he would have done if they had found her there.

"You're not weak Sam you're strong. You lived through it."

"Is that how you deal with it all Jack? Is it as simple as that for you; to believe that you've lived through it so everything is ok?"

"You know it's not as simple as that." He replied defensively.

"I wasn't trying to accuse you of anything." She said immediately, leaning back to look him in the eyes, not wanting him to misconstrue. "Most of the time you cope with the horror. I know you've been tortured badly Jack, suffered from loss. Who knows what else I don't know about, but I'm guessing there's still a lot of bad things you hide in there," She gently touched his head, "even after what you told me tonight. You're still sane. How do you do it?"

"Sometimes I don't, you know that. Sometimes I'm not sane."

She squeezed his hand, recalling the nightmares he'd had, holding him in her arms. It had brought them together.

"It's my fault." Jack said, "I couldn't... couldn't save you. I froze." He was struggling to maintain control, the cracks in his veneer widening.

"Oh Jack!"

"I let you go. How do I live with that?"

She pulled him closer, wanting to convey that he wasn't to blame, her breath catching in her throat.

"Jack, this was never your fault! You didn't let me go, you couldn't have saved me.

"I froze and I let you go."

Much to her surprise she saw tears well up in his eyes although he didn't allow himself to give way to them, obliterating the signs with a swipe of his hand. For the first time, she truly understood what a strain these past weeks had been for him, how close to the edge he was. He tried to be strong for her but was dying inside, eaten by his own guilt and powerlessness.

He blew. The rage and frustration he'd been feeling overwhelmed him at last and he pushed her away, getting up. His ire was directed at himself, although he was angry at the Jaffa who had taken Sam and probably still with her a little too. With an expression on his face that spoke of his horror, exasperation and shame, he picked up the glass he's been drinking from and threw it violently against the wall. Smashing into tiny pieces, it showered little fragments of shiny glass over the room.

He didn't want her to see him like this so stormed out of the room. She followed in trepidation and he shouted for her to leave him alone. She didn't think she had ever seen him this furious. He flung open the back door and stomped out into her yard, hitting the wall hard with his fists, cursing load enough for the whole street to hear. Sam wasn't sure whether to try to stop him or let him get it out of his system. She was worried he would hurt himself as he kicked and punched the wall so hard. Dreading approaching him, she realised she had to try.

"Jack stop!" She cried, trying to grasp his wrists. Her heart was in her mouth in case his anger turned against her. If he hurt her it would be the end of them. Of course he didn't and she felt terrible for thinking he might.

"For crying out loud Sam!" He exclaimed as she tried to calm him. "I let the person I love most in this world get hurt. I will never forgive myself for that. I'm entitled to be angry!"

Tears of rage fell down his cheeks and his face was red. Finally catching his wrists, she stood between him and the wall, desperately trying to maintain her grip, and she was having trouble holding him still.

"Jack, I don't blame you."

"Well I do!"

He escaped her grasp and started kicking her garden furniture and knocked the trash everywhere, violently using his fists or feet on anything within their reach. Her yard looked a mess. The pent up anger and frustration had to find a release; his engine was letting off steam. In the end she let him rage, realising that he needed to do this or next time he exploded he'd probably level a couple of city blocks. She could see he was hurting himself. Finally his aggression started to peter out and he sunk to the ground with his head in his hands. Sam knelt in front of him.

"You have to forgive yourself. For my sake, for our sake, dammit, and your own. I know I haven't been great at showing it lately but I do want us to survive this Jack. I want that very much." She said, reaching over to grasp his arm gently.

He looked up into her eyes and stilled, placing his hands on her shoulders. Seeing blood on her shirt he realised it came from him and he looked at his hands. They were grazed and he'd have to clean them up.

"I want that too." He said quietly, bending his head towards her so that their foreheads touched and then kissing the tip of her nose softly. "I want that Sam."

"Come." She urged him to follow to the kitchen to clean up his hands and he meekly followed.

As she helped him clean up, Jack once more started to tell her how sorry he was, how helpless his felt, wishing he could help her. Sam had been building up to her own small explosion and was fed up with him taking the blame on himself. To his horror, she snapped at him.

"Oh please Jack, you're sounding like a cracked record!. I was raped. It's a fact, okay? Can't do anything about that now. So let me deal with it in my own way and it'll all be alright. Stop going on about it for Christ's sake! It's not as if it's ever happened to you! You can't possibly understand."

Almost immediately she regretted it, and the look on his face told her that she was right to be sorry. Jack was totally motionless and initially said nothing, but she caught his expression. His face and eyes hinted at... something nasty he would probably rather not think about, and he was angry.

"Jack...?"

"Don't you dare assume to know about my life Sam." His anger was controlled and she was startled by his tone, and the implication. "I can't understand? Well damn you! You'd be surprised what can happen during a few months in an Iraqi hellhole." He couldn't stop himself.

"Oh my God!" She was aghast. Jack was raped?

"How do you think some of those guys entertain themselves?"

She could see pain in his eyes, a memory he'd rather forget. She thought, stupid Sam! Why did I snap at him? Why did I say that? Dumb, dumb, dumb! I should have thought of this. It's the kind of thing that happens when people are confined. Somehow woman can assume it is only them that suffer from sexual assault. Poor Jack!

"So don't think I don't understand some of what you're going through Sam.... And, no, I don't want to talk about it right now, ok? Believe me, the pain will diminish, but it'll always be there."

Sam nodded and stroked his cheek, kissing it lightly. He was amazed he'd admitted it, but never wanted to have to lie to Sam. When he'd made his earlier confession he'd thought that part of his life would be intolerable to her and she would never accept it. Now he believed anything was possible. She would understand this most humiliating of experiences and continue to love him.

Jack had never told anyone about this aspect of his captivity. Like Sam he'd been ashamed, as if it was his fault, and the memories had been too painful. He had been weakened by hunger, thirst and the horrific tortures he had endured. Name, rank, serial number, yadda, yadda, yadda.

He had nothing very useful to tell them but they had persisted anyway. He thought they enjoyed it. Fists, feet, cudgels, electro shock, starvation, solitary confinement, darkness, silence, sleep deprivation, nudity, cold, heat - terror. Jack remembered lying in his own faeces in a dark, damp cell, every part of him in searing agony. He was alone, friendless and surrounded by nothing but silence interspersed by their beatings and the rest. Humiliation and pain.

They had burst into his cell, laughing, taunting him and kicking him while he was down. It was impossible to defend himself, pointless too; there were too many of them and he was too weak and exhausted. Then he had realised their awful purpose and they held him while each took a turn invading his body in the most brutal and painful way possible. They had sniggered and joked amongst themselves, their sweat mingling with his blood, and then kicked him again for good measure as they left him to his solitary misery. Humiliation and pain.

That had not been the only time. They had persisted on visiting on a frequent basis, forcing him to do things with their bodies that he would never have done with a man otherwise. He had gagged and thrown up bile when there was nothing else. He had never felt so alone and desolate. Humiliation and pain.

It had stopped only once he was taken out of his solitary confinement and thrown in with the rest of the prisoners. Other prisoners had tried but Jack had been better able to defend himself, was building his strength little by little, living on reserves he hadn't known he possessed. Those who tried lived to regret it. You had to be strong in prison or life was hell. Humiliation and pain.

He didn't count it as one of the high spots of his life. His experience with Ba'al, dying painfully over and over, being revived in a sarcophagus, losing his soul piece by piece, was probably worse. The memory of that torture was more recent; vivid and raw. You have led one heck of a life, Jack O'Neill, he told himself. Humiliation and pain.

Sam's experience had brought it all flooding back with startling clarity. He had tried not to think of it, concentrating his efforts on her own predicament. Now she probably knew the worst of everything about him. She'd been so sure that this degrading act was something that had never been inflicted on him. His expression had given him away and he could not deny it. He hung his head with embarrassment and shame and Sam continued to stroke his cheek hoping to ease his distress.

She was stunned into silence. Jack had never really spoken about his imprisonment in Iraq. She had guessed he was tortured, but this too? So they had something else in common. A pretty negative thing to share but it might explain a lot about Jack's attitude towards her own living nightmare. There was some comfort in that and she started to revise her low opinion of herself and her inability to stop it. Even Jack O'Neill had been defenceless against such an onslaught, although she felt guilty that she took solace from his misery.

Sam knew he would never have confessed this if she hadn't got so frustrated and spat those words she now deeply repented. It was bad enough to remind him of this through her own recent experience, but she knew that she'd sounded cruel and spiteful and that made the recollection worse for him.

"Don't feel ashamed Jack. I know I'm one to talk but it's not our fault, none of it. Look at me, please." She paused and he raised his eyes to meet hers. "I'm sorry I've been so... hateful."

He didn't reply for a long while and she was beginning to think he wouldn't.

"You have good cause Sam, but not with me." He replied eventually.

"I know. If not you, then who else do I take it out on?"

"Practically everyone on the base I think."

"Really? Oh. Daniel? Teal'c?" She cringed when he confirmed it with his eyes.

"They're worried about you, and they don't understand what's going on."

"I'll try... harder." She didn't look convinced.

"We all want you back Major Samantha Carter. I want you back."

"You've never truly lost me Jack. You never will."

"I hope not. That would be too cruel."

Sam gave him the sweetest kiss and a small smile invaded her lips. He hadn't seen her do that enough lately and his heart was gladdened.

"Come on Jack, let's go to bed."

"It's early."

"That's the point. I want sex."

"Oh! Well, hardly romantic but who am I to refuse?"

She had seen his look many times and it still made her smile. A cheeky grin lit his face and his head was cocked to one side, shoulders holding a slight shrug. He had boyish charm written all over him.

"How are your hands?" She asked.

"Oh, they'll be okay."

"Good, 'cos you're gonna need 'em."

He opened his mouth to quip something but changed his mind and followed her out of the room silently.

"Ummm... Sam?"

"Mmmm?"

"What about all that broken glass?"

"Now who's being unromantic?" He laughed and she continued. "It's not going anywhere, but we are." She said stubbornly. Sam had an urgent desire to get very up close and personal with Jack O'Neill and was going to get her wicked way. She knew he wouldn't need a lot of persuading.

Afterwards, when he was spooned against her back and they were feeling strangely satisfied with their lot in life, despite everything, she surprised him.

"The answer's yes, by the way."

"What? What was the question?" He said sleepily.

"Something about getting married and having babies."

"What? I... what?"

That well and truly caught his attention and he could hardly believe his ears. Earlier today they'd barely been speaking and now she was agreeing to become his wife. He had confessed his darkest secrets, and she wanted to marry him anyway. Had he died and gone to heaven? Mrs Sam O'Neill; it had a certain ring to it. Jack propped himself up on his elbow and Sam turned to him.

"Married... babies. As many O'Neills and Carters as we can stand. Remember that conversation?"

"I... I didn't expect..."

"You didn't expect me to say yes?"

"I didn't expect an answer so quickly, that's what I was gonna say."

"Now all we have to do is find a way around the regs." She said with a taunt on her face.

Triple crap!

TBC in Part 14

Su Freund

Stargate SG-1 Fan Awards 2004  
Best New (Ship) Author  
Best Angst (Sam/Jack): Understandings and Misunderstandings  
Best Hurt/Comfort (Sam/Jack): Not Letting Him Down


	14. Understandings and Misunderstandings Par...

Title: Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 14: End of the Beginning

Author: Su Freund

Website: www ficwithfins com (insert . instead of spaces in the address)

Category: Romance

Content Warnings: Use of relatively mild language, although reference to one strong swear word, and non-explicit references to sex.

Pairings: Jack & Sam

Season: Future

Spoilers: Brief references to A Matter of Time, Abyss

Rating: PG-13

Summary: More that a year after the traumatic events that befell Sam, she and Jack re-visit Charlie's secret place to tell him all the news

Sequel/Series Info: Sequel to Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 13:

Status: Series

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Copyright © 2004 Su Freund

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Archive: My site, Jackfic yes, SJD yes, Gateworld, FanFiction Net

Author's Note: Thanks to Bonnie for her patience with this fic and helping to inspire me. On my site this fic is illustrated with a beautiful J&S artwork by Thalassa made into an equally gorgeous book cover by Fulinn28. If you want to see that, go to the Fic with Fins site.

**Understandings and Misunderstandings Part 14: End of the Beginning**

More than a year later:

They walked hand in hand through the trees and came upon the clearing suddenly, having heard the falling water for some distance. Smiling at each other when they saw the falls, Jack led her to sit by his side next to the pool and they watched them flow over the rock face.

This was a special place, made doubly so by their trip here last time they'd been to Minnesota. Jack would never forget when they'd made love in this spot; he'd been so certain that sex was not in the cards. Things had changed a lot since then, although bad dreams often haunted them both. However, this was a special place because it was Charlie's place. Jack had come here to talk to him.

"Charlie," Jack started, "I know I haven't been here for a long time and that I haven't had the chance to tell you anything lately. I'm sorry, but some pretty important things have been happening and it's time you knew."

Sam grasped his hand and squeezed lovingly, encouraging him to continue.

"Sam's with me again, you'll notice. I think that's pretty amazing, don't you? We're still together in the face of adversity. But you don't really know much about that because I haven't told you. Sam and I... our recent past and all the problems... they don't matter too much anymore Charlie because what you need to know is about the now.

"We got married son. I hope that isn't too much of a shock to you; I'm sure it isn't. You must know it's what I wanted. I guess Sam wanted it too, which makes me a very happy man.

"I've retired from the Air Force. It's probably about time. It's been hard but I don't regret it for one minute. It seemed the right thing to do and still feels that way. It was the only way that Sam and I could be together like we needed to be; open and honest. Living a lie would have killed us in the end. That was not an option I was willing to risk. Maybe there were other solutions, but it has it's advantages; lots of 'em. The biggest is sitting right here by my side. Mrs Sam O'Neill. Imagine that Charlie, Mrs Sam O'Neill."

He paused, looking at Sam with adoration, and pressed her hand to his lips, brushing it lightly with both his breath and his mouth. She felt herself flush with the feelings he provoked with that simple act, and the expression on his face. Jack was the only man who had ever been able to do that to her and she loved that he still could; probably always would. She hoped so.

Jack was silent for a while, deep in thought, looking back over some of the events of the last year and putting them into words for Charlie.

On the whole things had gone pretty well for their relationship after the night of the proposal. They had their bad moments, but did either of them expect perfection? Sometimes it was wonderful, near flawless, but nothing was totally perfect. Everyone had cracks and they both accepted that there was a lot for them to strive for, but it was more than worth the effort

Sam continued to receive counselling and Jack thought it helped, loathed as he was to admit it. Sam and the counsellor agreed that she needed a hobby. It should be something creative that had nothing to do with her work; something of beauty. It was intended to help Sam relax, and be therapeutic, take her into another part of her mind.

At first she took up painting but the artwork was dark, dismal and ugly; exactly how she felt deep down in her head. Both Sam and Jack found the images disturbing. He worried about her, finding it hard to deal with the outpouring of emotion in her work. It screwed with his mind to know that she hurt that much. One day she spoke to him about it.

"I don't think I'm really enjoying painting Jack. What I paint... scares me. I don't want to be in that place. And I know it bothers you too."

"If you don't enjoy it Sam, give it up. But don't give it up for me, not if you want to do it." Not if it helps, he thought.

"I'm not sure I want to do it anymore."

"Okay, then don't do it. Whatever you decide Sam. You'll find something else, something you like a lot more."

She did, taking up gardening instead. He was happy to support her choice, whatever it was, and encourage her as much as he could. This particular choice gave him a lot of pleasure.

Sam had always loved plants and flowers but now she took to growing and nurturing lots of them. He recalled a few years ago when she had self-consciously confessed she sang to her plants. He and the rest of SG-1 had been amused but she certainly seemed to have an affinity with them. He gently poked fun but found joy in listening to her sing softly as she encouraged them to grow. They seemed to thrive on it.

It was truly beautiful. She lived with Jack now, in his house, and the garden and house were saturated with various greens, and all colours of the rainbow and beyond. She was good at it, the garden design and the nurture, and was in a much happier place.

As a result, Jack was in his happy place too. She made him feel whole even though she was incomplete herself. It was a wondrous thing to Jack and not a day went by where he didn't rejoice his good fortune.

Sam might seem vulnerable and delicate sometimes, just like one of her flowers, but she was tough, resilient and brave. These were some of the traits he had fallen in love with. He'd fallen for the soldier and scientist, Doctor, Captain and Major Samantha Carter, and now he was very much in love with the woman underneath. They had been through a lot as colleagues and friends, and now they had also been through much as lovers, a couple.

He remembered way back when all this had started he'd been afraid she wouldn't love the real Jack O'Neill, because she only knew the Colonel, not the real deal. They'd spent a lot of time getting to know those real people, building up a relationship slowly and bit by bit. To Jack's eternal astonishment she did love the real Jack. She knew more about him than any other person, the dark depths of his soul, his fears and nightmares - and his dreams. This was as real as it was ever going to get with anyone; more real than he had ever dared hope for.

Jack had spoken to Hammond pretty quickly after he'd proposed, tendering his resignation from the US Air Force. Although retired, he was called in to the SGC from time to time as a civilian consultant. Hammond liked having him around and was reassured by his advice and guidance on certain matters.

This had surprised and pleased Jack as he'd never really thought of himself as an expert on anything except killing folks. He was wrong and this forced him to start seeing himself in a slightly different light, much to Sam's delight.

Not wanting to atrophy with inactivity, Jack had taken up 'hobbies'. He'd always been good with cars and their engines so had starting fixing them up for people he knew were hard pressed for the money to pay someone to do it. This led to him getting involved in a community project working on mechanical skills with kids from a deprived neighbourhood. Later, he added a smattering of sports coaching too.

He charmed the kids of course, always did have a way about him, and was getting increasingly involved. A lot of time was invested in the project and he helped out any way he could, even with the paperwork. Jack claimed that was an improvement on writing reports for the USAF and it amused Sam that he got so much pleasure from it, as if doing it for free enhanced its virtues.

Sam had wanted to get married quickly but Jack insisted that he woo her a little first; up front and in public, no more hiding in the shadows. Secretly she had been pleased with that decision. This gave them time to step away from the darkness that had surrounded them on the night he proposed, before they finally tied the knot.

Even so, they set a wedding date for 6 months after that fateful night, which must have seemed quick work for anyone who didn't know they'd been seeing each other. This was a long list. Very few people ever learned that Jack and Sam had been breaching regs because Jack hadn't wanted to sully Sam's spotless reputation in the Air Force with even a hint of it.

Sam had become leader of SG-1 but it wasn't until four months later that the Air Force had seen fit to reward her with promotion her to Lt. Colonel. Jack knew George had been pushing for it and was annoyed that the wheels turned so slowly.

He was so proud of her and delighted that his security clearance at the SGC meant he could attend a ceremony in the gate room. He stood to one side of her, with Hammond on the other, and had the honor of pinning his own silver oak leaves on her uniform. She was thrilled to receive them; that they were Jack's old insignia meant a great deal. Meanwhile he fervently hoped that one day he could give her his Eagle insignia. He was confident she'd get the full bird, if not more than that someday.

She had always respected and admired Jack as her CO and he gave her a lot to live up to. Sam would wear her silver oak leaves with pride because they had once belonged to a talented, brave and worthy man, a true hero, and because she deserved them. That this man was to become her husband was the icing on the cake. She loved him dearly.

Both halves of the couple beamed with happiness afterwards, with Daniel and Teal'c following suit, delighted with Sam's promotion and this wonderful relationship between their friends.

"Congratulations boss." Daniel joked to Sam as he hugged her. "It's about time. You deserve it."

"Thanks Daniel."

"I am also happy for you ColonelCarter."

Teal'c bowed but she would accept nothing less than a hug and a kiss on the cheek so he obliged, seeming quite pleased, and then she was led away by General Hammond.

"So you missing the old place Jack, the action?" Daniel asked as he saw Jack looking around at the familiar sight of the gate room. Jack sighed.

"Yes and no. It's not like this is the first time I've been back Daniel. Sometimes I miss the action, yes, but you know... I keep myself busy."

"Busier than ever it seems. No regrets?" Daniel pressed and immediately saw the answer in Jack's face. Jack shook his head.

"You're kidding right?" He responded. "She is... I keep thinking that someone's gonna pinch me and I'll wake up. It's like a dream. I don't want her to disappear in a puff of smoke."

"She won't."

"I think I know that deep down. It's taken a while though."

"I know." Daniel's smile was infectious and Jack's face cracked in two with a large grin but soon became serious again.

"Sometimes... Sometimes I worry when she's away on a mission."

"That's natural. We'll take good care of her Jack." The silent Teal'c inclined his head in agreement.

"I know that. I worry that she overworks herself taking good care of you Danny boy!"

"Hey!"

Jacob had been thrilled they were getting married, which amused Jack given how pissed he'd been with them before. Indeed, Jacob's attitude towards Jack and Sam had changed so completely that he would have been disappointed if they didn't get married. He wanted Sam to have a family, children, and believed Jack would be the perfect father for his grand kids, and a good husband for his daughter. He and Jack had become firm friends since they'd reconciled.

Sam's father had managed a few short visits over the year but came through the gate a couple of weeks before the wedding. Thus he was able to attend Jack's stag party. Jacob was amused by the antics of the guys as they got less than quietly drunk around him, and sat observing, thinking about his daughter's future with Jack.

Jacob imagined them all getting along together wonderfully, playing with the kids in the garden, barbecues with friends and so on. That is, of course, when he was able to visit his home planet; the Tok'ra kept him pretty busy.

He wondered how they would deal with that in the future; his grand children couldn't know about it any more than his own son could. That troubled him. Eventually someone would catch on that Jacob was a little too long lived, a little too healthy, and start asking questions.

Jacob imagined a time when he would have to disappear from their lives forever and that saddened him. Or maybe his secret had to become a close held family one too. Unless it all became public knowledge of course but, even if the gate did, his situation might not. It was a conundrum that troubled him from time to time but he wasn't going to let it spoil the current celebrations.

Jack's stag night was going very well and the only sober people there appeared to be Jacob and Teal'c, plus Jack himself. Daniel Jackson only had to take a sip of beer to get drunk, it seemed, and most of the rest were hard drinking SGC personnel - armed forces, go figure! Jack had drunk a little but remained stubbornly sober. He seemed to be enjoying it, although Jacob suspected he'd rather spend his time with Sam, or just his old team.

Jacob pondered the reasons why the timing of Jack's retirement coincided so closely with Sam's rescue from the renegade Jaffa. Perhaps Jack's priorities had changed; he'd so nearly lost her and that sort of thing can make one reflect deeply on life. However, Jacob figured that Sam's capture had been more traumatic for both of them than they would admit to him, and that the two events might be related. He'd probably never get to the bottom of it.

Despite his previous doubts about them carrying on against regs, he regretted Jack's departure from the USAF and wondered whether they could have handled it differently. It was too late to go back now and the result was their pending marriage, so he wasn't complaining. He was pleased Jack remained at the SGC in some capacity, convinced the place was much better with him than without him, and that his daughter was safer too.

"Hey Jacob, penny for 'em?" Jack looked down on his future father-in-law with a curious and amused expression.

"I was thinking about you and Sam. What else?"

"Ah!" Jack replied as he slid into a seat opposite Jacob. "Care to share... dad?" His smile broadened and his voice held a sardonic tone. "The old father / son pre-nuptial advice maybe?"

"If I wanted to talk to you about that I don't think I'd choose your stag party... son." They both laughed. "Besides, I get the feeling that we don't need to have that sort of chat Jack." He smiled at Jack slyly. "I think you'll do a pretty good job without my advice. And Sam would only tell me to mind my own business."

"Yeah, probably." A shy grin appeared on his face at the mention of Sam.

"You seem remarkably sober for someone who is the guest of honor at these proceedings, Jack."

"I'm holding this thing so that everyone else can get drunk, not me."

"Isn't it the groom's duty to get drunk?"

"No, only to get married." Jack's smile was cheeky this time and Jacob could see the eager anticipation in his eyes.

"You still intend going through with it then?" The question was a jest.

"What do you think? Try keeping me away."

"Yeah, well let's hope Thor doesn't show up and grab you in a beam of white light just as you're saying I do."

"That might do it. Maybe I should have invited the little guy."

Just then Daniel drunkenly grabbed Jack shoulder.

"Hey Jack, come over here and see what Feretti's doing." He slurred, excitedly.

"I hope you aren't gonna drink alcohol before the wedding Daniel. I need my best man on his best behaviour."

"Would I let you down?" Daniel used his perfect hang dog expression, then pulled at Jack's T-shirt. "Come on Jack, come see."

With that, Jack left Jacob to his own thoughts once more.

Jack gathered his thoughts again and came back to his revelations to Charlie.

"We aren't perfect, Charlie, who is? We've gone through some pretty tough times in this relationship. But it's made us stronger rather than tearing us apart, although there have been moments when I believed it would tear us apart. Sometimes it seemed we'd given up, yet somehow we managed to fight to stay together, and win. It's been an experience, that's for sure, and much harder than fighting those pesky Goa'uld ever was.

"I couldn't let Sam go as easily as I did your mother Charlie; I couldn't live with that again. The only good thing about that stupid mistake is that it brought me to this point, with Sam. I love her so much, Charlie. You know that don't you?"

Sam leaned to kiss his cheek, basking in his words about them. Jack often said little, could keep his cards very close to his chest, but once he started he could be a wonder to behold. He was surprisingly complex for someone who thought himself so simple, and never seemed to get that about himself. Even after all this time, it frequently took her aback that a man like Jack could be so modest and self deprecating. He simply didn't see himself as other's saw him. Sometimes it irked her but she had to accept that it was an integral part of him.

Sure, Jack had his faults, and she wasn't blind to them. She had entered this relationship with her eyes wide open and most of the surprises had been positive ones. Jack's dark side could be scary and difficult to live with, but she understood it more fully now and it was worth every bad moment for the good. It seemed he felt the same about her, for which she was truly grateful.

They say your wedding day should be one of the best days of your life and it had been. The outcome had at least. She wasn't sure how much of it she really remembered as it had passed in a blur of nerves and overwhelming emotion. Jack paused to think again which allowed her mind to drift off to her special day.

Sam was giddy with excitement. Cassie was with her and Sam had regressed to her teens, twittering, chattering, giggling, and anticipating the big event. Her father was staying at the same hotel but discretely kept out of the way to allow the women their pleasure.

Jack was elsewhere with Daniel, Teal'c and a vast assortment of SGC buddies. She hoped he didn't get drunk and turn up at their wedding with a hangover, or worse. Sam harboured secret visions of him getting into a fight at an Irish bar in down town Chicago and ending up in jail or with a black eye. In reality she thought it unlikely as Jack hadn't even got out of control at his own stag party. However, this was the City of his birth, his old stomping ground, so who knew what might happen, or who he might meet up with?

She had been astonished when Jack expressed a desire to get married in Chicago. He didn't even have any family there anymore and Sam thought that, if he didn't choose Colorado Springs, he would have opted for Minnesota. To Sam, home was Colorado Springs. That was where she lived right now, and for longer than she could ever recall.

As the daughter of an Air Force Officer she had travelled around a lot and hadn't put down roots like a lot of people. Her own career in the armed forces had emphasised this. She was happy with that as it was her life. Jack had a strong sense of where he came from, or so she now discovered.

It hadn't even occurred to Sam that they might get married outside of Colorado Springs. She was looking for likely venues when Jack had ventured Chicago, describing the sort of wedding that any woman would find romantic. Apparently he harboured a secret dream of getting married on a boat on the Chicago River. Go figure! She never did find out the origin of the fantasy but loved the idea. She hadn't fixed on anything certain herself, although had one or two unusual possibilities in mind, and decided she preferred Jack's idea. It would be unusual and special.

So they had uprooted all the friends they could muster and moved into a couple of hotels in the centre of Chicago. George Hammond had worked miracles with the rosters at the SGC to allow as many of Jack and Sam's friends to attend as humanly possible, and had arranged to cover his own absence. No way in hell was he missing the big day of two of his favourite people to mind shop at Cheyenne Mountain. If there was a Goa'uld attack while he was gone then the US Government could sue his ass.

A couple of Jack's old Chicago buddies were the only locals who were attending. Sam's brother and family were there from California, Hank had arrived from Minnesota, and a couple of Sam's old colleagues from Washington and the Gulf. There were the odd few friends from both of their previous existences. Jack and Sam didn't have that many friends outside the close circle of the SGC, or the Armed Forces. They were both delighted that Catherine and Ernest could make it. It seemed that everyone of any importance would be there and holding the wedding in Chicago had made little difference to the guests.

Recalling his conversation with Jacob at the stag party, Jack had joked about inviting Thor. They laughingly agreed that little grey men were probably out of the question, and at the notion of dressing Thor up so that he wouldn't be noticed, like ET in the movie. A drunk and staggering Thor conjured another hilarious vision along similar lines.

On the morning of the wedding Sam was pleased to learn from Daniel that Jack did not have a hangover, or sport any black eyes or other visible injuries. On top of that, he had singularly failed to spend the previous night in a holding cell at the local police department. Apparently he had taken Daniel and Teal'c out away from the rest of the crowd, spending his last night as a free man quietly with his closest friends. No strip joints or lap dancing had been involved. All was right with the world.

Both the ceremony and reception were held at the same venue, aboard the yacht Chicago's First Lady. The boat set sail along the Chicago River at 19.30 whether all the guests were there or not and the bride and groom were pleased to find that they all turned up on time.

"You look really beautiful Sam." Her father said when he saw her. She grinned but he could tell she was nervous. "You happy? Any doubts?" he asked, wanting to know she was sure about this commitment.

Previously Jacob had severe misgivings about this relationship but had come to accept it; much more than merely accept, he wanted this marriage to happen. He could see the pair were head over heels in love with each other and knew Jack would look after Sam, not mistreat his baby.

"No doubts dad. A little nervous, but not a single doubt."

"Come on then, let's get this show on the road!"

He took her arm. Sam was so happy that her father had come around to the notion of her and Jack. Nowadays he seemed to positively relish it, a total about face from his first reaction, which had torn them asunder a few months before.

She loved her father dearly but loved Jack more and chose him in an instant when it appeared her father forced her into a choice, and would do the same again. If she couldn't readily make that choice then she had no right to be going out there to marry Jack at all. That hadn't made the choice easy as it had broken her heart to be estranged from her father once more.

Her heart hammered as her father took her arm. He was about to give her away to the man that she loved. It thrilled her that she was about to commit her life to Jack and she felt lucky that he loved and wanted her so much. It didn't seem that long ago that she had believed this would never happen, or that she would ever even kiss or make love to Jack. This day would change her life forever. The smile that she wore as she walked towards her fate could not have been happier. God, Jack looks handsome, she thought - lucky, lucky me!

Jack thought Sam looked stunning as she approached him on her father's arm. She wore a simple dress with no ornamentation. It had a sleeveless peau de soie bodice, empire waist, a very slim organza skirt with organza train and an elbow-length organza veil. In fact the word stunning imperfectly described how he felt when he first saw her on their wedding day.

He still couldn't quite believe this was happening. They had been through hell and back a few times over the previous few months. He hoped that had made them stronger. Their bond certainly seemed to be pretty unbreakable now. They knew each other's dark secrets and that was a blessing, something he would never have imagined as even possible. He was just an ordinary guy but she had chosen him, to be with him and to love him. That was very special. Life had kicked Jack in the teeth many times and now he was getting the best possible reward for his sacrifices. He was a very happy man.

The ceremony took place with the dramatic back drop of the city surrounding them. The sun was setting behind Chicago skyscrapers as they said their vows. By the luck of the Irish, or so Jack claimed, a spectacular fountain on the river bank shot water high into the air just as they exchanged rings. Sam thought he might have arranged it deliberately somehow or, if not him, then General Hammond who always seemed to be owed favours by someone or the other.

The yacht sailed out onto Lake Michigan where they partied the night away with their guests. They both felt good when weeks and months later people were still talking about how exciting and different their wedding was.

Certainly the crew were impressed, and became increasingly willing to please, when they realised that The President of the United States sent his best wishes to the happy couple. The Captain called Jack and Sam to the boat's radio, an astonished look on his face. It had taken the White House staff a while to convince him that this wasn't a prank; it really was the President wishing to speak to the Bride and Groom. Jack and Sam were delighted, of course; it added a certain something to their special day.

Immediately after the ceremony Jacob hugged and kissed his daughter with joy, and shook Jack's hand until it ached. A little later, when he got the chance, he took Jack to one side.

"What is it Jacob? That little father / son-in-law chat?" Jack's eyes twinkled.

"It's a bit late for that Jack." Jacob replied, grinning broadly. "I just wanted you to know how happy I am for you both. Welcome to the family... son."

"Hey, thanks dad!"

"Yeah, well I'm not sure about the dad part."

"Shucks!" They both laughed.

"Selmak wants to speak to you Jack."

Jack was taken aback. He rarely talked to Selmak. The snake kept herself pretty much hidden when he was around knowing he wasn't happy in the company of either the Goa'uld or the Tok'ra. Jacob led Jack to a quite spot on the boat to ensure no one was around to see or hear his symbiote.

"I want to congratulate you Colonel O'Neill. This is a day that I have wished to see for a long time." Selmak said, and Jack raised his eyebrows, even more surprised. "Long ago I saw your love for each other, even when you denied it yourselves. I am very happy to see this union of kindred spirits."

"Ummm... thanks Selmak" Jack wasn't sure what to say.

"Jacob can be a silly and stubborn old man, especially regarding his daughter. But I want you to know that he is genuinely happy and delighted that this day has come at last, despite his earlier doubts. He respects and admires you Colonel, even if he would never say that himself." Jack blushed profusely.

"I'm glad. I hated losing that respect."

"I know, because you feel likewise about him." Jack smiled a response.

"Yes I do." He agreed. "Despite the fact that he's grumpy and obstinate."

"Yes, which reminds me of someone else quite close by." Selmak added humorously.

"Now who could that be?" Jack asked, taking it in good part. He knew there were similarities between Jacob and him and that fact didn't worry him one little bit. Selmak laughed.

"You should get back to your bride Jack O'Neill. Fill your house with children." She said and Jack nodded, leaving Jacob and his symbiote alone.

"Let me at her!" he cried as he approached Sam. She was being given a gigantic bear hug by Teal'c and Daniel was close by. "Hands off my wife you great oaf."

He took Sam away from Teal'c and gave her a long passionate kiss. Suddenly it seemed as if it was just the two of them alone on the boat; everyone else simply melted away.

"Wow, Mr O'Neill, that was quite something!" She exclaimed.

"That was just for starters. Wait 'til you see what I have in mind for the main course." He responded, pulling her close to him. "We're married Sam. We did it!"

"No regrets I hope" She jested.

"Ask me again in another.. oh... say 100 years? You?" he grinned.

"You're kidding, right?" She did a great impersonation of Jack and he laughed. "What did dad want?"

"To welcome me to the family. Selmak wanted a little chat. She seems to like us. Don't worry Sam, it's cool."

"Good. Now give me another kiss like the last one."

So he did. The photographer caught it and, later, it was given pride of place on the mantle. After that things became a bit of a blur.

Daniel had practised his Best Man's speech over and over until Teal'c had got fed up with it and rolled his eyes to the heavens when he heard Daniel say 'How about me saying this Teal'c?' Although Daniel was the chief communicator of SG-1, he could tend to get a little flustered when he spoke and wanted this to be perfect.

It wasn't an easy job to come up with things to say that didn't breach SGC security. He managed to phrase his Jack stories in such a way that nothing secret was revealed to the audience. Jack was pleased to find he was witty and amusing, like a good Best Man should be. Afterwards he struggled to remember Daniel's words and was pleased they had a video of the whole event to jog their memories, and view at leisure again and again.

They took great pleasure in that, skipping to their favourite parts. In the end Jack got a video made of all those parts so they didn't have to keep winding it forward. Daniel's speech was prominent on that video, as was their exchange of vows and the miraculous appearance of the fountain in the background. Jack certainly never admitted to having anything to do with that. The General denied it too.

He remembered one part of Daniel's speech, however, without any prompting.

"Jack O'Neill can be cantankerous, sarcastic and irreverent. He can act like an overgrown kid and drive us all to distraction." Amen to that, thought Hammond at the time. "He isn't the type of guy one should get on the bad side of or wish to make an enemy. I certainly would be worried about meeting him in a dark alley one night. He can be stubborn, harsh, forbidding and downright scary. He was an Officer in the US Air Force, for crying out loud," The gathering laughed at Daniel's use of Jack's favourite expression, "so go figure!" Another titter. "Sam has her work cut out for her, that's for sure. Good luck with that Mrs O'Neill."

This was all said with good humour, the contrived, pained expression on Daniel's face merely adding to the amusement. The smile he gave Sam when he said those latter words was bright as can be and spoke to the assembled crowd of his deep regard for his friend Jack, and his new wife.

"But he is also the most loyal, courageous, gentle, kind and giving man I know and would do anything to help those he considers friends, and frequently those he doesn't. I feel honored that he calls me friend and that he asked me to fulfil this important role for him today. That's very special to me because Jack O'Neill is one in a million. He is the best friend a guy, or gal," He looked at Sam as he spoke, "could wish for and all of us invited here should think ourselves lucky to have such a friend."

Jack was moved by those words. Shucks, they'd noticed his soft side! What had given the game away? He squeezed Sam's hand gently as Daniel spoke and she knew he felt equally honored that Daniel Jackson had chosen to say such things about him. She turned to smile winningly at Jack, leaning to give him a kiss, at which point virtually the whole room cheered, stealing Daniel's thunder. Daniel took it with good grace and managed to soldier on after the guests quietened.

The marriage bound them together as it should, while somehow freeing them to be what they wanted with each other. It was liberating.

Sam was the one who suggested what they do for their honeymoon. Jack imagined they might go to a sunny spot and laze their days away on white, hot sands with water lapping up the shore. He envisaged scuba diving, water skiing and other such extra curricular activities. His thoughts also fondly turned to the time they might spend on extra curricular activity of a totally intimate kind.

Instead Sam expressed a desire to visit Europe. That wasn't the relaxing type of honeymoon Jack had in mind but he was willing to be persuaded. After all, he was getting almost entirely his own way for the wedding itself. They went to a travel agent on Academy Boulevard, which specialised in honeymoons, discussing their options and warming to their suggestions and proposed itinerary.

Thus they flew to London, England to start their honeymoon off. Jack suggested they go for luxury all the way and Sam was in agreement. They spent most of their lives without opulence, sometimes in downright discomfort, and their honeymoon should be something entirely different and totally memorable. It was certainly both of those things.

They stayed in Central London at the Savoy Hotel. It was very plush and wonderfully art deco in it's design. This historic hotel had hosted Elizabeth Taylor's first honeymoon and boasted of pouring the world's first martini in its American Bar. They took a luxury suite which overlooked the River Thames and was excruciatingly expensive. It was worth it. The Hotel was very central, in London's West End, close to most of the major sights and London's theatre land. It even had a rooftop pool and state-of-the-art massage rooms, both of which Sam and Jack took advantage of while there.

As it was on their doorstep they went to the theatre and even managed to catch an opera at London's famous Covent Garden Opera House, which thrilled Jack.

They took in the well known sights that all visitors to London yearn to see. The fairytale quality of the Houses of Parliament were almost on their doorstep, and Trafalgar Square, with Nelson's Column and irritating plagues of pigeons, was literally at the bottom of road. Buckingham Palace was, frankly, disappointing for a home of Kings and they preferred Windsor Castle, outside of London, which looked much more like a Royal residence.

The Tower of London was forbidding and they both imagined that it had been a highly unpleasant place to be imprisoned. It was renowned for it's tortures and beheadings, neither of which held any appeal whatever to Jack or Sam.

You could almost walk from one side of central London to the other through it's large parks and they did just that, from St James to Kensington Gardens, via Green and Hyde Parks. Along the way they stopped off to take a boat out onto the Serpentine in Hyde Park, which reminded them of their day spent on Lake Rose while at Jack's cabin, although the surroundings were entirely different.

"Are you happy Mrs O'Neill?" He asked as he stopped rowing and reached to take her hand in his.

"Very much Mr O'Neill." She smiled.

"I love you Sam."

"Well that's cool Jack because I love you too."

They moved carefully around the boat, so they could hold each other, and let it drift around. Jack was occasionally obliged to take the oars to avoid a collision.

"Hey we're really married!" Sam enthused delightedly. "Man and wife, the honeymooning couple."

"Yep. Great isn't it?"

London contained some of the most varied architecture in the world and both of them enjoyed the wandering the streets marvelling at the different wonders around each corner. Many people walked in London, or used public transport or cabs. Driving around this place would be a nightmare, they imagined, and parking a car near impossible.

There was the very modern mixed with the extremely old in the City of London, which they discovered to be a relatively small part of the relative whole. This was the home of Wren's St. Paul's Cathedral, The Bank of England, Lloyd's of London - the sublime to the ridiculous.

The newly erected Swiss Re skyscraper, known as the Gherkin for its unique shape, took the cake. Jack joked it was a giant phallus blotting the landscape of this great city, and a monument to man's obsession with the size of his private parts. The Gherkin was nothing compared to plans for the gigantic London Bridge Tower which they learned was to be shaped like an tall, thin pyramid and was planned to be the tallest building in Europe at 66 stories high.

"At least it won't be shaped like a giant dick." Jack commented on learning of it. Sam had giggled and then looked apologetically at their present company. No wonder the Brits thought Americans loud mouthed and garish.

When they discovered that the City had been rebuilt after the Great Fire in pretty much the same layout as before, they wondered about the horror that fire must have been with people trapped in the narrow alleyways that comprised much of it. After the fire, Wren had wanted to rebuild a different city, with wide vistas and regimented, straight roads. How different such a city could have been to what they now saw.

The London Eye was, effectively, a giant Ferris wheel on the opposite bank of the river Thames to Westminster, where the Houses of Parliament resided. It's massive steel and glass construction dominated the London skyline but Jack thought it looked cool and was somehow a perfect fit, unlike the giant gherkin. They took the ride and were rewarded with stunning views of the city from it's huge windows.

They took a boat trip down the River Thames from Westminster to what was called the Thames Barrier, a strange construction designed to stop the constant flooding the river's banks, which had caused millions of pounds worth of damage to London over the years. This took them under the famous Tower Bridge and into the heart of London's East End, well known for it's former slums, dock lands and cockney locals but now converted to ridiculously expensive and up market housing and river boat moorings.

Another day they decided to go along the river in the opposite direction, to Hampton Court Palace, another place more fit for King's than the more well known palace in the heart for the city. That trip afforded them very different views of the river and it's environs, passing, as they did, through leafier and greener pastures.

They enjoyed playing tourist and irritating the locals but were disappointed to find that Londoners were not exactly renowned for their welcome and friendliness.

They found the same thing with Parisians when they moved onto Paris, France; the locals were polite but cool. This view was exacerbated by the fact that one of their cases got lost in transit. It was Sam's and she was very pissed. What would she do about clothes? In the end she was pleased she had another case with her as well. They were away for a long time and she had come prepared. Sadly, the lost one contained most of her casual wear.

They were delayed at the airport for a long time while the airport staff seemingly tried to be helpful while they actually weren't. Finally, Jack put his foot down and used his best Colonel, 'in control and you have better do what I say manner', which certainly got their attention. It turned out that Sam's case had mistakenly gone on a flight to the USA, which made both Sam and Jack laugh at the irony. Jack was pissed as he had wanted the honeymoon to be perfect.

"Sam, I'm so sorry. I hope this hasn't ruined it all for you."

"Don't you dare start blaming yourself for other people's incompetence Jack O'Neill. I don't want to let this spoil everything for us. I guess something was bound to go wrong somewhere."

"Damned French! They're so rude!"

"Jack, it's a refreshing change from fake smiles and 'have a nice day!'. " He chuckled.

"Well I guess I hadn't thought of it like that. Thanks you for your unique slant on things Mrs O'Neill."

"Anytime Mr O'Neill." They kissed. "Let's get to the hotel. They say they'll send it to us there, so let's trust that will happen."

"Meanwhile, the first thing we do is go on a shopping spree and buy you some clothes."

"Well, I can't say I have any objections to that. Shopping in Paris?" She grinned and Jack rolled his eyes.

"Hey I wasn't thinking Dior!" Jack knew that once Sam got to shopping it could take forever... and ever, and promised himself to suffer stoically for her sake. He hated shopping. Maybe shopping in Paris would turn out to be different.

Their five star Hotel suite overlooked the River Seine and they could see Notre Dame and a glorious view of the city from their window. However, they were not impressed with the snooty attitude of many of the staff. When Jack explained the luggage situation, asking them to keep an eye on it for them (after all, these folk spoke French and he didn't, neither did Sam) he was angry at their casual, disdainful and unhelpful manner. Similarly when Sam asked them about shops, they seemed determined to set them on the path of designer clothing. It was as if the only part of Paris which existed was that created for the wealthy.

Jack had no objections to Sam buying some designer clothing, if they could afford it. However, they wanted to look elsewhere too. All she wanted was some jeans and a couple of tops. Simple! They hoped her case wouldn't take too long to get there, unless the baggage handlers sent it on a world-wide merry-go-round.

"When I pay this much for a hotel I expect to get the 5 star service thrown into the package!" He ranted.

Finally they found someone who was more than willing to help with anything they wanted - the Hotel Manager. Jack had got their attention at last. They found a great little boutique which fed Sam's need to shop, for now. Jack promised they'd do more shopping another day.

"Jack, I can always go shopping on my own while you do something else."

"What? And let my new bride out of my sight? You're kidding, right? I'll come. If I get bored, I'll leave you there and go get drunk!" he threatened jokingly and she giggled.

"Okay, I'll try not to wear out your very limited patience and attention span."

The luggage showed up two days later, delivered to their door by the Hotel Manager personally.

They did all the usual tourist things. The Eiffel Tower had dizzying and fabulous views over the city; the Louvre, Mona Lisa's enigmatic smile and huge collection of Egyptology, which made them laugh. Monmartre, with the beautiful Sacre Coeur perched on the hillside, it's famous street artists and The Moulin Rouge, which they simply had to visit one night if only for the infamous can-can dancing.

They travelled out to Versailles, which truly was a Palace of Kings; vast and overwhelming with huge and very beautiful gardens. Another must for them outside of Paris was the stunning Giverny, home to the artist Claude Monet, whose works they both admired. The garden of his home was a haven of beauty and the inspiration for his famous works with water lilies.

They were thrilled to see many of these works on perfect display at the Musée de l'Orangeriei in the heart of Paris itself. The paintings were displayed in two oval rooms especially designed for them. The Musée d'Orsay housed the national collection of his art and was worth visiting just to see the building. The site was the converted Gare d'Orsay, an old Paris Railway Station, and was transformed to it's present use in spectacular fashion - it's domed glass roof and vast welcoming vista uniquely highlighting the statues that adorned it's vast interior.

Paris was romantic. They treated themselves to a fabulous array of food while there, from the simple French bread and cheese consumed while sitting on the banks of the Seine watching the world go round, to the truly awesome five course luxury of a candlelit, typically expensive, French meal they had in a restaurant recommended by an unusually friendly hotel employee.

Sam thought that one of the most romantic things of all was the night spent taking a dinner cruise on the Bateau Parisiens along the Seine. The Nouvelle cuisine, and sipping good wine in the charm of Paris by night, accompanied by the sound of a violin playing romantic music, was a highlight of her trip.

"I love you so very much, Mrs O'Neill." Jack declared, having taken her hand in his over dinner, and he slipped a beautiful bracelet around her wrist. Earlier that day, she had admired it, but had thought it a little expensive so Jack managed to sneak off and buy it for her.

"Oh Jack!" She exclaimed, eyes widening in surprise. She loved it, but also knew how much it had cost. "That's... oh my... thank you!"

A thrill of excitement ran through Sam at his declaration in such a romantic setting, and his very generous gift. She had to keep reminding herself that she really was married to this man; that this was for life. She was not daunted by that thought, rather it made her feel safe and secure and filled with her love for him.

"I want to spoil my beautiful, and extremely sexy, wife while we're on our honeymoon. No more gifts after this for a very long time - I can't afford them. I'm retired you know." He grinned and winked at her.

"You think I'm sexy?" She queried with a smile.

"The sexiest! Especially in BDUs with mud all over you. Now that really does something for me." He teased.

"I'll have to bring a pair home then. Who needs sexy underwear?"

"Sexy underwear? You could wear that under the BDUs. BDUs, mud and sexy underwear? Whoa, down Jack!" he waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"You feeling horny Mister?"

"Sam, you always make me feel horny."

"Sorry, I forgot to pack BDUs."

"Yeah, but I know you packed sexy underwear!"

"Ummm... I think it's time to go back to the hotel."

"Hey lady, are you propositioning me?"

"Too right I am."

"Great!" he grinned. "Dang! I knew there was something I didn't like about having dinner on a boat!"

When it finally docked, they made their way swiftly back to the hotel. The bed was so huge you could get lost in it, but they must have used every inch of it that night, and hardly slept. Both of them were exhausted, sated and extremely happy.

They had decided to really go for broke by travelling to their next destination by the world famous Venice Simplon-Orient-Express. This might be slower than flying but had luxury written all over it's blue painted carriages in big gold letters. It would carry them across Europe to Italy in the style of a bygone era and the passage through France and Switzerland to reach their goal gave them the chance to view the scenic route it took and, thus, more of the continent.

This was sumptuousness with another huge price tag attached. Neither Jack nor Sam ever spent all their hard earned cash and had money saved, so agreed that it was worth the cost for a truly unique, once in a lifetime experience. If you couldn't do that on your honeymoon, then when?

The journey from Paris would give them a night on board the train and the following day travelling through the towering Swiss Mountains and Austrian Alps before an early evening arrival in the magnificent city of Venice.

The carriage which housed their compartment was built in France and decorated by René Prou. The car had elegant circles of stylised flowers in an ivory-like inlay set in a chequer-board design. Apparently it had been popular with the notorious Duke of Windsor, England's lost king who had fallen for a divorced American commoner and shocked a nation.

The compartment was a private lounge during the day with a banquette sofa, footstool and small table. It had it's own original washbasin cabinet with hot and cold water. They were attended by a Cabin Steward throughout the journey, who was there when you needed him but discreet, staying out of the way when you didn't. When they came back to their compartment after dinner and drinks that night, he had transformed it into a cosy bedroom. To call them bunk beds was to give a lie to their opulence but that's what Jack called them anyway, making Sam smile.

"Don't they do Queen sized?" He murmured when he saw how small each bed was. He wanted to seduce his wife but there was hardly enough room.

"Jack, if we can have sex on the couch at home we can certainly manage it here, if that's what you're thinking." She smiled in a way that showed she was more than willing to participate in such activities and Jack pulled her to him and started to strip off her evening wear with enthusiasm.

This was the sort of journey you dressed up rather than down for. Jack wore a dinner jacket and Sam a long blue dress which showed every curve in the most discreet yet sexy way. Jack had bought it for her in London especially for this night.

They had started their evening in the Bar Car with cocktails, something for which the train was famous. Then they dined in the 'Lalique Pullman', so called because it was decorated by René Lalique in the 'Côte d'Azur' style. The faintly blue opaque glass showed various classical figures holding grapes, with a matching frieze of smaller panels. The tables were laid with fine linen, French silverware and heavy crystal glasses. Jack noticed they had a very large array of cutlery, flawlessly polished and placed.

Dinner was a marvel and they were curious how the French chefs pulled off this miracle of cuisine on a moving train. They ate lobster followed by roast duck supreme with white truffleflavoured 'foie gras', served with baby pumpkins, silver onions and sautéed potatoes. Fine wine was served throughout the meal. Dessert was a crispy bitter chocolate and bergamot ice-cream. Neither had room for the French cheeses that were also on offer, so they washed it down with superb coffee and retreated back to the Bar Car.

The bar was lavish and housed a baby grand piano, which was played skilfully by the resident pianist. Jack thought that must be one heck of a job.

"How do you think they got that baby grand in here?" He pondered aloud.

"Built the carriage around it?" Sam replied jokingly.

"I bet it's like getting the gate in or out of the mountain. The roof retracts or comes off. We could ask a waiter."

"Don't suck the fun out of it Jack," she replied, borrowing a phrase he had said to her on more than one occasion, "I'd rather keep the mystery." He smiled, suggesting they retire for the night and Sam knew what he had in mind from the start.  
  
The next day they breakfasted in their compartment and watched the tranquil beauty of the snow capped Alps as they passed through. Then they passed their time talking with fellow travellers in the Bar Car sipping delicious coffee.

Lunch was served in a different Pullman; this time the 'Voiture Chinoise' which was lined with beautiful black lacquer panels. The lunch was almost as ridiculous as their evening meal the previous night, including smoked Salmon and scrambled eggs as a starter. They both could have drawn a line under that but went on to demolish the main course and dessert anyway.

"I hope you're gonna be able to get into your uniform when we get back." He joked, having sworn he could see them both putting on weight during this trip.

"I'll be lucky if I can get up from the table." Sam said in response, looking replete and satisfied.

"I'll have to hit the gym when I get back. Maybe I can go a few rounds with Teal'c."

"You've never been able to go a few rounds with Teal'c." She smirked.

"Hey, you're my wife, you should be on my side."

"Only when your right Mr O'Neill."

"You mean you don't always think I'm right? Some wife you're turning out to be. Think I can trade you in for a dark haired Latino beauty once we get to Italy? I hear those Italian men really go for blondes."

Jack had always been able to make her laugh. Humour was important to their relationship and it was one of the things that had first attracted her to him all those years ago; that and his ruggedly handsome looks and amazing smile.

In the afternoon they relaxed in their compartment admiring the spectacular scenery as the train travelled through the Italian Dolomites. Later they had afternoon tea, served in the compartment as they passed though the Brenner Pass. All too soon it was time to prepare to disembark as the train crossed the Venetian Lagoon and pulled into Santa Lucia station.

To arrive in Venice on the Orient Express felt very special indeed. This was the final stop of their small but perfectly formed tour of European countries. Jack had insisted on the romance of Venice with it's myriad canals and fascinating architecture. It also had the advantage of it's close proximity to the Lido, so they got some beach time in after all.

They stayed in another wonderful but expensive hotel in the centre of Venice, overlooking one of the canals, and generally arrived at by boat. It was a hop and a skip from Venice to the Lido, which had once been considered highly chic but these days was mostly a little more down market.

They sat happily in the Piazzo San Marco, sipping coffee or beer and eyeing the very special view it provided of The Basilica of St. Mark the Evangelist, the cathedral church of the city and seat of the Patriarch of Venice. The mediaeval mosaics inside the Cathedral were wondrous, depicting stories and episodes from the Old and New Testaments, and akin to the icons of the Eastern Church.

The Bell Tower, or 'El paron de casa' (the lord of the house) as Venetians called it, was also visible from the comfort of their chairs. Each of the five bells in the tower had a name and a purpose. The history of the places they visited enthralled them both.

Just around the corner was the marvellous Palazzo Ducale, the Ducal Palace which was the residence of the Doge up to the fall of the Venetian Republic. All historic periods were represented in it's structure and décor, from the antique foundations, to the huge halls dedicated to political life and decorated by the canvases of the great masters of the Renaissance.

"These guys could out do Ba'al or those damned Iraqis any day." Whispered Jack in the knowledge that many tortures had taken place within those walls. Sam looked him in the eye to judge his mood and saw no horror there, which was a relief. She kissed and stroked his cheek to provide reassurance, in case he hid it well.

Venice was a mass of narrow passageways and canals and an adventure of exploration, but they often ended up in the glorious Piazzo and admired that view. It amused them to think of this place as flooded, which had happened, the only way to get around the Piazzo being a boat.

So convoluted where it's alleyways that they got lost on more than one occasion. Jack cursed that he had never needed to learn Italian, but somehow managed to get by on a mixture of Spanish and pidgin English.

"I like getting lost in Venice." He declared on the third occasion it happened. "I bet we've seen more this way than most tourists ever get to see."

It was true that they'd found some interesting little places off the normal tourist map; caf's, churches, beautiful little houses, intriguing miniature canals and bridges. They even managed to find a small glass factory that was obviously not really intended for visitors. Jack charmed them into letting them in, claiming that Sam's blonde hair and wonderful smile held the key; they'd all fallen for his wife. She was special so he guessed he couldn't blame them for that.

Watching the men blowing glass had literally... blown their minds, mesmerised as they were by the skill involved in the making of complex and delicate glassware and ornaments. They bought gifts for themselves and Daniel and Teal'c while they were there.

Then a very strange thing happened the fourth time they got lost and were wandering aimlessly around the beautiful by-ways of the city.

"Jack?" A familiar woman's voice cried.

Jack and Sam both turned at the same time and shocked expressions appeared on their faces.

"I thought it was you but I wasn't sure."

It was Sara. She was holding a man's hand and Jack guessed it must be her husband, Glenn.

"Um, Sara?" This is weird, he thought.

"You must be Sam." Sara smiled at Sam and reached out her hand to shake it. "this is Glenn, Jack."

"Hi." They too shook hands.

"So what are you doing around these parts?" Sara asked. He blushed deep red to the roots of his hair and his reaction bothered Sam. Was he ashamed to introduce his new wife to his old one?

"We're on our honeymoon." He replied, shyly.

"Oh? You got married. Congratulations."

Jack felt guilty that he'd never thought to tell Sara that he was remarrying.

"So... you?" Jack asked.

"Well, actually Glenn is in Italy on business so we thought we'd combine it with a little pleasure."

"Well, this is a weird coincidence." Jack commented.

"Yes it is."

The conversation continued mainly about nothing of consequence for a while, where they'd been, what they'd seen. Both Sam and Glenn shifted uncomfortably, feeling slightly left out and strange about the whole thing.

"So how about we get together for a drink while we're here?" Sara suggested and Sam's eyes widened in horror at the idea.

"Excuse me." she said, running off and disappearing before Jack even had time to react.

"Um, I sorry Sara, I think..." he indicated the direction Sam had taken and that he intended to follow, telling her which hotel they were staying in before he ran to find Sam.

However, Sam remained stubbornly difficult to find and Jack got even more lost while he looked, figuring that she probably was too. He was frantically worried. It was a pretty strange thing to bump into one's ex-wife while on a honeymoon with the new one. How spooky was that? Had it freaked Sam out?

He recalled what had happened months previously when Sam had believed him to still be in love with Sara. Surely she can't think that? Was that fear still lurking deep within her? It scared Jack, particularly given everything which had happened to Sam since then. Life hadn't always been a bowl of cherries; far from it.

Oh God, please don't let anything happen to her, he begged silently, please don't let this quirk of fate ruin everything. He wondered if maybe she was trying to find her way back to the hotel, and imagined her being overwhelmed by one of her black depressive moods and running around the streets getting increasingly upset and lost.

Jack, of course, was never totally lost anywhere. He knew which way the sun rose and where it set - east, west, north, south. It wasn't really that difficult to navigate his way around. So he set off in the direction of the hotel, hoping he'd find her already there. She wasn't, although he looked everywhere possible and quizzed half a dozen hotel staff and even a few guests.

He sat in the bar and bought a drink, following that with another drink, and then another. After the first few he got maudlin and manic. He managed to keep his mania to himself and disappeared back to the hotel room to continue drinking so that, if he lost it, no one else would bear witness.

It got dark outside, turned way too late, and he worried himself sick and got increasingly drunk in response. He didn't know what to do. At one point Sara called to enquire about Sam and he tried his best to sound sober. He didn't want to admit that his wife had run off and hadn't come back yet. He lied big style and said they were having some quiet time together and that he would call Sara tomorrow, getting rid of her as quickly as seemed polite.

Didn't Sam trust him? The notion that she didn't truly bothered him. If she didn't this marriage might be dead before it had even started and he couldn't countenance that option. His mood wavered between depression and anger as he cursed his new wife and her pigheadedness and lack of faith, following that with thoughts of loss and love. Trust. It was important to him and he couldn't help but regret the lack of it.

Meanwhile, Sam was wandering around the streets of Venice upset, although not entirely lost. She just wasn't sure she was ready to be found yet. She wasn't really certain why bumping into Jack's ex had upset her so much. The idea of having cosy drinks with Sara and her husband filled her with dread. What did Jack want, for Sara to become her new best friend? Yeah, like that was going to happen. This was their honeymoon and one wasn't supposed to have drinks with ex wives on a honeymoon; one should spend one's time giving total and loving attention to one's new wife! Did that seem like too much to ask?

Although she knew deep down she was probably overreacting, she couldn't help herself. Since her capture and repeated rape she sometimes did overreact to things - go figure! Jack had been wonderful throughout their honeymoon but she still cursed him for being a selfish son of a bitch, along with many other choice insults.

It was gone midnight when she eventually turned up back at the hotel. She opened the hotel room door at probably the worst moment possible. Jack was very drunk by then and was in one of his cursing phases.

"Where the hell have you been?" he shouted at her angrily. His tone frightened her.

"None of your damned business." She screamed back.

"How dare you embarrass me in front of Sara and her husband. What the hell to you think you're playing at? What will she think?"

"I don't give a f what she thinks Jack! I'm so sorry if the humble Sam Carter has embarrassed the almighty Jack O'Neill." Her tone dripped with vitriol and sarcasm.

"Need I remind you that you're Mrs Jack O'Neill now?"

"Sam Carter! Or Sam O'Neill at best Jack. Are you drunk?"

"Yes I am. What is it to you?"

"Absolutely nothing Jack. Why should I care about anything you do anymore you self satisfied, selfish bastard?"

Jack stormed over to her and grabbed her shoulders roughly. She flinched but he didn't even notice.

"Me selfish? Take a look in the mirror and then you'll know what the word selfish means." He dragged her over to the mirror and stood her in front of it.

"Leave me alone Jack! Let me go!" She cried, struggling to get away from his iron grip. He was drunk and no match for her in that state. Using her best self defence techniques she threw him to the floor and ran off to lock herself in the bathroom. He pounded on the door.

"Bitch! Let me in, or come out! Sam!"

It was useless. There was silence from within the bathroom. Sam sat curled up in the corner softly crying. She was frightened of his mood. How did she come to be scared of her own husband? This was crazy. He continued to knock and curse for a while and then stopped. She heard him slump to the floor outside of the door. Was he alright? Should she worry? No! Screw him!

She stopped sobbing and went to the door, putting her ear to it and listening. She could hear Jack crying and, although the idea broke her heart, she believed he deserved to feel bad. She felt bad so why shouldn't he? Besides he was drunk and she was damned of she was going to deal with a drunken Jack O'Neill. Or, for all she knew, he could be faking it and lying in wait for her out there. She shuddered at the thought. Jonas had tried that trick on her once.

She thought about it some more, trying to reason with herself. Jack wasn't like that, she had to have faith in him. She had told him she didn't believe him to be like that and now she was doubting him. He was an ass sometimes, but not that kind of an ass. On the other hand he was very drunk and it had hurt when he grabbed her earlier, but he had never been violent with her, not once. They might have played rough sex games occasionally, but that was fun, not threatening. Jack might be a lot of things but he was not a wife beater. If he thought for one moment she believed that it would break his heart.

Pulling herself together at last she turned the key and slowly opened the door, peeking from behind it, ready to snap it shut again. Jack had been leaning against it but as he felt it opening behind him he moved away a little and turned to look up to meet Sam's eyes.

"Sam?"

His eyes were bloodshot and his face damp. Jack wasn't given to crying much but it happened occasionally. The first time she had experienced it she had been overawed. He hadn't wanted her to see him like that but it had shown her a Jack O'Neill that she hadn't expected. This time he was drunk rather than sweating and afraid after a vivid flashback nightmare. However, she still saw some fear in his eyes and knew that it was fear for them and their relationship. They'd been through too much already; there had been a lot of pain and sorrow.

He stood up unsteadily and looked at her for a while without saying anything. She made no move or sound but just stared back at him.

"I'm sorry Sam." He whispered eventually. "I don't know what I did to cause you to run away but I'm sorry anyway. If it was Sara... Sam, she's my past, you're my future. I don't want to see my ex-wife on our honeymoon, if that's what you think. I thought you trusted me."

"I do."

"Could have fooled me." He seemed to have sobered up almost completely and she wondered how he did that.

"I'm not sure I was very... rational Jack. Sometimes I..." She faltered.

"I know."

It was true that he knew. Both of them had suffered traumas and they had left their mark. It was another reminder that not everything in their lives was going to be perfect, that this wouldn't be the last time something similar would happen.

"Me neither I guess." He added. "Will you remind me never to get drunk? I would never hurt you Sam. You have to believe that."

"I do. I just..." She didn't know how to explain.

"Can't help remembering?" he asked and she nodded.

Jack really hated that brutal events outside of his control marred their happiness. However, he was resigned to that as an inevitability. Nothing truly erased those sorts of scars - he knew that better than almost anyone. They only appeared more bearable and less ugly with the passing of time. He and Sam would be happy enough. It was way more than he deserved although he thought she could have done better. She didn't seem to agree and that was what counted.

He was reluctant to touch her, afraid that he might see her recoil. He couldn't stand that sort of blow right now. However, she touched him, her hand reaching to his face to wipe away the moisture. He gently placed his hand over hers and lifted her palm to his lips, kissing it.

"Are we gonna be okay?" He asked.

"I want us to be. Is that enough?" She replied.

"Yes, Sam, it's enough."

No more words passed between them. Jack simply took her back to their bedroom and they slept in each others arms. The next morning they stayed in bed and hardly surfaced at all that day. The bitter argument the night before served to enhance the making up.

Needless to say they didn't call to arrange to meet Sara and Glenn for drinks. The vacation continued almost as if nothing had happened.

No trip to Venice is complete without a romantic gondola ride. It was a little corny but they had to do it. You couldn't get around Venice properly without using boats of some kind, so it wasn't as if they hadn't been in one before, but they took a special trip on their own to view the sunset over the lagoon and fulfil their romantic image of the place.

Sitting back in each other's arms, they took in the sights as they wended their way around the city. Jack wished they could get rid of the gondolier so he could make love to his wife in the thing, but that was one fantasy that was not to be.

As they passed under the Bridge of Sighs they sat in dreamy contemplation, until the gondolier told them that the name was derived from the sighs of the 17th century prisoners who passed through it on their way to the prison cells on the other side, most likely seeing the beautiful sight of the lagoon, the island of San Giorgio, and freedom for the last time. That took the gloss off a bit.

In all they spent a month in these three parts of Europe, which gave them lots of time rather than having to do what they wanted in a rush. Even so, they could not see everything although they felt that if they ever visited Europe again they might go to different places. Both had fancied other cities like Prague, Rome, Barcelona and Amsterdam. It was not possible to fit all of that into their honeymoon plans. For starters they determined to factor in lots of snuggling time, leaving them less time for the actual sightseeing, but more for the sort of pleasure that honeymoons were intended for.

They had discovered a mutual affinity to water and the wedding and this whole trip satisfied even their yearnings to be close to it. The only thing that marred their amazing honeymoon was Sam feeling sick towards the latter end of their trip, although they were delighted with what they believed to be the cause.

The memories flashed through Sam's mind while Jack continued to talk to Charlie. This was way longer than what he had managed to say on their previous visit.

"I guess you've noticed something else Charlie." Jack continued. "You'd have to be blind to miss it. We're having a baby. You're getting a brother or sister. You always wanted one so I hope you're happy for us. We can hardly wait. Less than three months to go, Charlie, only three months."

They had both stopped using any form of birth control a couple of months before the wedding. They figured she was probably already pregnant on their wedding day but hadn't known it yet. They had both been totally overawed and happy that it happened so quickly.

Jack figured he wasn't getting any younger and wanted children before he got too old to enjoy them. He imagined all the things he would do with them; the games they would play together and the places they could visit. He didn't want to miss any of that.

He might be lucky enough to witness the first step, and live long enough to see their children marry and have babies of their own. Jack liked the idea of being a grandpa. After Charlie died he'd lost all hope of that happening but now that hope was renewed in his new and wonderful life with Sam. However, that was getting ahead of himself, he wasn't even a dad yet.

Sam, of course, was positively geriatric in maternity terms. Thus she was glad to start a family so quickly, and start living a family life, as fast as she could. The doctors saw no reason why she shouldn't be able to get pregnant again and carry a baby to full term. That didn't stopped her fretting to herself about the possibility they might be wrong. She was careful, not risking anything that might harm this child she longed for so much. It was the end product of her and Jack's long-lived love for each other and that made it very special.

When the doctor first confirmed the good news she whooped with delight and was deliriously happy. Jack's reaction had topped it all. She didn't think she'd ever seen such a bright and exultant grin, and he picked her up in his arms, swinging her around the room in his delight.

Jack continued to talk to tell Charlie about it, his exuberance and joy crystal clear in every word.

"I'm gonna be lucky enough to be around to see this one grow up. I missed a lot of that with you. It seemed that almost every time I saw you something different had happened and I'd missed a crucial stage in your life. I regret that so much, but now I have a chance to make up for it. It's poor Sam who will be the one to miss out once she's allowed back through that gate.

"Now she's doing my old job she needs to keep on her toes to outdo your father's heroics!" Jack laughed. "No time for babies... yuck! But that's fine by me because I'll be home taking care of him or her. Don't worry Sam, I'll keep the video camera on hand at all times." He smiled broadly at her and she responded in kind, staying silent as this was his moment with his son.

Sam imagined Jack taking literally hours of footage to ensure she didn't miss anything. He'd almost have the camera strapped to his head! She'd felt torn about how they handled the baby, wondering if she should take a different job instead of continuing with the leadership of SG-1. The team had a temporary leader on missions at the moment, while she wasn't allowed to go through the gate.

She had decided to go for it. After what had happened with Charlie, Jack had been scared that she wouldn't trust him with their child. She did. She trusted Jack totally. This would prove that to him once and for all, but it wasn't the reason she had decided to take the job. It was what she really wanted, at least for now. Who knew what the future would hold? If it came to it she could request a transfer later, even leave the Air Force. For now she was happy with the idea of this arrangement.

"I guess they're the main things I need to tell you Charlie. So much has happened. These days I have Sam to talk to and that has made such a huge difference to my life. It feels really good to share, Charlie, really good. Damned amazing, if you ask my opinion. I never believed I could be so blessed, or that I deserved it after you died and your Mom left.

"Nowadays? I think I deserve something; a shot at happiness, another life. I paid a huge price for my mistakes, but now I think I've earned that second chance. I hope you wish me well with it. Bye Charlie, for now. I promise we'll be back to introduce you to your brother or sister one day soon. "

Sam leaned her head on Jack's shoulder and he put his arm around hers. This felt so comfortable, so right. Jack considered what he had said to Charlie. In the end, life wasn't a romantic novel with a happy ever after ending. It was a series of ups and downs, and understandings and misunderstandings. You just had to hope that the ups and the understandings won out and, in spite of everything, for Mrs and Mrs O'Neill, they did.

The End of The Understandings and Misunderstandings Series


End file.
